midwizard - Tumblr blog

[midwizard]

Imagine you’re in the “using-my-god-like-powers-of-precognition-to-prove-I’m-in-a-time-loop” stage of a time-loop and you stick out your arm to catch a tray of falling dishes but you fuck up the timing a little bit so it completely looks like you intentionally tripped that waitress and now Gary the truck driver’s bacon and eggs (side of hash browns, go easy on the salt and a dash of vinegar on the eggs please) are all over your true love’s face so not only do you look crazy but also like you’re kind of an asshole and you’re embarrassed as fuck because even in a time-loop there’s a first time for everything but you’re not that worried because nobody else is going to remember it when the loop resets but then you wake up the next morning and the alt-rock radio host isn’t playing “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons and it turns out half-elbowing that part-timer in the gut was the thing that broke the loop and now you have to go back to work where you know you’re going to run into the woman who rejected your heartfelt confession because messing up that tray-catch meant that no matter how much weirdly specific information you had about her personal life she still didn’t believe you were in a time-loop.

[midwizard]

Times it is acceptable to smoke:

You are literally anyone at anytime in a heist/war/detective/noir movie.

You are a grizzled police chief/captain who’s chewing out their subordinates for reckless behavior.

You’re an old sea captain who people just noticed in the bar and is about to tell their tale. (Pipe and Cigar only)

You’re a demolitions fanatic/expert. (Cigar only)

You’re a wizard informing a halfling that the jewelry given to them by their uncle is in fact a magical artifact created by the dark lord and is the one thing he needs to take over the realm. (Shire Pipe Weed only)

You and your friend are halflings who, with the help of tree people, overtook a wizard’s domain and are now welcoming the king of nearby lands. (Shire Pipe Weed only)

You are Samuel L Jackson.

You are a member of a cartel/mafia.

You are a modern day wizard replenishing their mana by smoking Arcane Crystals (meth) and Moon Stones (crack).

You’ve been fatally wounded by your enemy, then they offer you a smoke in your final moments.

You’re down on your luck and you light a cigarette, but the lighter won’t work and it starts to rain.

You’re explaining the terrifying capabilities of someone who is currently infiltrating your building. (Eg: John Wick, The TF2 Spy.)

You’re about to have a flashback.

You’re Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You’re a fantasy dwarf.

[midwizard]

Uh oh! The Oracle has killed herself rather than face the future she foresaw. Market analysts are speculating this may be bad for the economy

[midwizard]

hello! thought it was time to introduce myself :)

[midwizard]

[midwizard]

Wells are a type of wizard tower, they're just inverted

[midwizard]

I can't be cursed by The wizard council. My robe is too smooth. The ancient magics simply slide right off.

[midwizard]

A wizard that uses a wrapping paper tube as their magic staff. They cast spell of *bonk*

[midwizard]

reblog to cast Fentanyl's Curse on a cop

[midwizard]

Alright, I'm tired of these secrets! I'm tired of lies! I'm revealing an ancient secret long kept by the wizard council.

Not a single wizard, none, can cast any form of teleportation spell. They don't exist. It's just time stopping spells repurposed with a little bit of flair.

We just walk everywhere man. I'm tired of this shit.

[midwizard]

looking for wizards to follow! if you have the words wizard, mage, orb, warlock, etc. in your username or are particularly susceptible to evil curses and hexes then please like/reblog this post! <]:•}

[midwizard]

Bro can you please stop disintegrating strangers, you are scaring the hoes

[midwizard]

does anyone have a recipe for a NICE and non-weird soup?

[midwizard]

it was revealed to me in a prophetic dream that i should be given a little treat right about now!!!

[midwizard]

I'm not corrupted by the amulet or anything but people who might try to touch or steal it from me definitely have to die. just as a moral thing

[midwizard]

Wearing a dagger strapped to my thigh that is exposed by a scandalous slit up the side of my wizard robe, letting my enemies know that I am a bit of a slut and also that I will stab them viciously if they approach me while I am reading my incantations

[midwizard]

Oh damn guys my brain is making thoughts