milliesmuses

[milliesmuses]

What Are You "Supposed" To Do?

When I was in high school, my friends and I would talk about college and our futures. We would discuss what majors we wanted and what colleges we wanted to go too.

We all thought that the only way you were going to succeed in life was by getting a four year degree. People who went into the army or community college were losers who weren't going to make it.

I laugh to myself now thinking back on how ignorant we all were. We were all teenagers who lived with their parents and only experienced part time work. How did we think we knew what success meant?

But we were influenced by the public school system. Teachers teach you that the only way to succeed is by getting a four year degree. Because that's what they did and that's the only way they know how to be successful.

I think teachers are academically smart but have hardly any intellect outside of that. Starting a business, owning property or taking any risks is something that they know nothing about and would not encourage you to do. Even though that's how you actually make a lot of money. All they know how to do is get into a lot of debt for a degree so they can work for someone else.

So I partly attribute teachers for public school students' ignorance about success. There are so many ways to be successful besides a four year degree, such as starting a business, getting a trade or joining the army.

I ended up going to community college and getting into a serious relationship with a blue collar worker. I loved community college and my boyfriend loves his job. My college was small enough that I could get around with ease and I was able to get close to a lot of people! If only I knew when I was a teenager that I would be in the position I am in now and would be very happy. I didn't get a four year degree nor did my partner and we are okay!

Ego is the killer of happiness. Doing things just to appeal to others erodes your soul and diminishes your quality of life.

The majority of people follow the crowd and do not question what their thoughts and opinions. This is because people have herd mentality and fear that if they do something different they will fail. I do not blame or judge these people because this is a very natural thought process. Humans are tribal animals so we don't like to stray away from what the others are doing. But it usually doesn't help you to succeed or live a life true to yourself.

But I am happy that I went from the ignorant teenager who looked down on those who strayed from the norm to a happy woman who loved going to community college.

Life is so much bigger than you think and the options are endless.

[milliesmuses]

What Do People Think Of Me

I'm 100% positive that everyone has this thought.

And I just randomly remembered that if I ever get into a lawsuit and the opposing legal team finds my blog, they will pull up every post. Be careful what you post online. It can and will be used against you in a lawsuit. You can trust me. I went to paralegal school.

Back to my point. I often wonder what others think of me. This is a natural thought as humans are social animals.

The others I'm talking about are people from all parts of my life, past and present. Do my co workers enjoy my company? Does my family? Do old classmates and friends I've drifted away from think of my fondly? I hope so. I do not wish ill will upon any of them. Life is too hard already for me to send negative vibes toward any of their ways.

Sometimes I wonder what those people who I embarrassed myself in front of think of me now. Do they think to themselves, "Oh, Millie was just a teenage girl. She didn't know any better." Or, "She was 21, still just a kid. Maybe she's not as embarrassing now."

I have these thoughts about people I knew when they were teens or early twenty year olds. I remember embarrassing things people did in high school. And embarrassing things people I knew just a few years ago did. But I think to myself, "They were just kids trying to figure it out. I am sure they are much more mature now."

I also have thoughts like this about people I know who are also 24 years old. I am not old and people my age are still pretty immature and tend to act like teenagers. I try not to judge. They will grow up one day. And in some ways, I will too.

I also wonder what those who I have been kind too think of me. Did I change anyone's life in any way? Or at the very least, make their day better? Has anyone ever thought to themselves, "She was really kind when I needed it." That's what I would like to know. That I improved the existence of another person.

Do people like me? Do people prefer to not be in my company? Do people appreciate my help in the past? Do people cringe when they think of me? Do they miss my presence? Do they wish they'll never see me again?

These are all natural thoughts. But I hope that people like me, obviously. And I hope that I put more positivity into people's lives than negativity.

[milliesmuses]

Transformation

As a young girl I was pretty shy. I was the tall, skinny, pale girl who was always reading and was always very nervous. I never wanted to go up to the front of the class and was constantly scared of being teased. I remember in 5th grade I was secretary of the 4-H club and I had to read the minutes during a meeting. While I read them, someone yelled for me to speak up. I was so embarrassed.

The popular kids in elementary school fascinated me because I knew they knew something I didn't know. And it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what it was. The feeling of confidence. Knowing how to breeze through social interactions and the capability of having a lot of friends.

But as teenager, I became a lot more confident. I was fairly liked in high school and I wasn't afraid of being in the spotlight. I loved to go in front of the class and make them laugh with a funny presentation for a project. Anytime I had to do a project, I would go all out because I was a natural entertainer. I wanted to show people what I could do.

I also was pretty well dressed in high school. I wore skirts, heels and cute sweaters. I did my hair and my makeup and put on a big smile. I looked good and I knew it.

Now as an adult, I don't give a flying you know what. I feel that my social skills are okay, I do well for myself. And my confidence isn't perfect but in some circumstances it is rock solid.

For example, when strange men approach me and try to intimidate me, I will not hold back. I will say "F**k Off" loudly in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone.

Or when it comes to following my heart or saying what I think, I will do so instinctually.

Basically, I shook like a leaf as a little girl. I became a sturdy branch as a teenager. And now I am an adult tree that tells you to screw yourself.

[milliesmuses]

Appreciate Every Moment

Two of my cats, Spooky and Little Bear, love to jump on my bed when I make it. They love it when I put the sheet or comforter on top of them. They'll crawl around underneath the bedding or just sit still, delighted to play one of their favorite games.

But I never find it to be cute.

When I was a little girl, I would want nothing more than to have two silly kitties run around under my comforter as I tried to make my bed. I would have thought it was so cute and fun for them to do that.

But now, I'm a grumpy, busy adult with so many things to do. Important things, serious things. There's no time for silly kitty cats.

I want there to be time for silly cats though. I want to appreciate it. Instead of focusing on completing a task, I want to slow down and have fun with Spooky and Little Bear.

My cats won't live forever. One day I won't have two fuzz balls playing around in my apartment. I want to appreciate their playfulness instead of getting aggravated that they are in my way.

Let the kitties play.

[milliesmuses]

Don't Live A Life Of Regret

Studying the decade that I am currently living in has been one of my recent passions.

"What to do in my twenties?" Is something I have googled search more times than I would like to admit.

That is partly why I began this blog. If you are in your twenties, let's go through this harrowing decade together. You don't have to be alone.

I have watched "I have wasted my twenties", "What to invest in in your twenties", "You're not behind in your twenties", "Why it's okay to broke in your twenties" and many other existentially exhausting videos regarding my age. As well as so, so many articles.

If you have also spent time frantically researching in similar ways, please message me. Maybe you have figured out something I haven't.

My early twenties were intense. From 20-23, I had no idea which way was up or down. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to do. I spent years searching majors and careers online in my room, anxiously pondering what would not be a huge mistake.

But in my 24th year, my mind has calmed down a lot. I don't have it all figured out but way more than I did when I was a freaked out 22 year old.

The way I figured out what I wanted to do, for the current time anyway, was by trying out things. I learned nothing about what I wanted to do with my life sitting frozen in fear in my apartment. Now, I am working a job I like, B Dubs, I am going to film school in the fall, I am writing a lot and I feel much more fulfilled.

How To (Somewhat) Figure What You Want To Do (It will never be perfect so don't stress about that) :

Try new things so you know what you like and don't like

Be completely honest with yourself about you truly want out of life

Know that dying peoples most common regrets are "I wish I didn't work so much" and "I wish I lived the life I truly wanted, not what was expected of me"

Be nice to yourself. Life is too hard and people are too mean for you to beat yourself up. This will help you think clearly

Travel. I learned a lot about myself and had a lot of fun moving out of my home state to Texas and California

I truly believe that the Universe wants the best for us and loves us. This helps me find the courage to live the life I want to live. I hope it does for you too.

Kill your ego. Being humble will help you see yourself clearly

Don't surround yourself with fake people who judge you. Get real friends who support your true self and your dreams

Get off of social media. It's distorting your view of the world. It's not real and it's melting your brain

I hope this helps. Message me if you found this helpful or how your twenties journey is going!

[milliesmuses]

I Like Working Part Time More Than Full Time

I recently graduated from college with an associates degree in Paralegal Studies. I was proud of myself. My family was proud. People seemed somewhat impressed with me when I told them or perhaps they pretended. As people do. We are all actors.

I got a job as a legal secretary in a law office. I wasn't able to find a paralegal position after college so that was the best I could do. I told myself I would find another job later.

At first I enjoyed it. I liked wearing a nice blouse and pants everyday. When I put on my plain, black office heels, I felt like a real grown up. I would drive to the big tower that I worked in and walked through the front doors like a boss. I had made it. I am a career woman in the legal field.

But as time went on, I began to dislike my job. I didn't get along with my co-workers, the office environment was dysfunctional and I had no free time outside of work.

After work I would be so exhausted that I would watch tv until it was time to go to bed. And on weekends I would clean my apartment, run errands and cook meals so I wouldn't have to during the week. And during the time I wasn't doing chores during the weekend, I would collapse in exhaustion. Basically, I had no life.

And the most bizarre part of the job was the reoccurring social interaction I had with every person in the elevator. Every time I would ask how their day was, no matter who it was, they would all reply the same. "It's almost Friday!!!!" "Two more days until Friday!!!!!!!!!!!" It was terrifying and depressing. I would guess most people in that building hated their job, where they spent 75% of their life.

But I quit that job and started to work at Buffalo Wild Wings. And I have to say, I love it. I love running around the restaurant and laughing with my co-workers.

When I worked in a law office, I was alone most of the day, confined to a desk and staring at a computer. I felt antsy sitting all day and sometimes felt the urge to run around the block. It felt like my body and mind were breaking down.

I do feel somewhat ashamed about going from law to the restaurant industry. I have a fantasy of my old high school classmates coming into the restaurant after a long day at their nice office or lab jobs. They sit down, I serve them and when I walk away they laugh about what a loser I am.

But now, I really do not care. I love the part time life because it's a LIFE. I have time to live. My co workers are nicer. I am exercising at work. You wouldn't believe how many overweight women were in my office building. I didn't want to spend my life sitting all day in front of a computer eating vending machine snacks like they did.

I have killed my ego. Laugh at me if you must. I want to be happy and free.

[milliesmuses]

Overly Emotional

My life, like everyone else, has had some tough moments that shaped me into the woman I am today. I had some bad relationships, bad experiences with family and have fumbled through many social situations.

But I have always been encouraged to speak my mind when I am feeling troubled. So I have no problem doing so. Unfortunately, I have had some bad things happen to me and I have lacked social awareness most of my life. So I have done my fair share of dumping my unpleasant thoughts and experiences on poor, unsuspecting friends, family and acquaintances.

However through learning, patience with myself and seeing my faults as they are, I have become better.

Because honestly, there is a time and a place for tough talks. And that is not at a party, lunch or every time you see your friend. I think that is how I lost a friend recently.

It is also exhausting for me to rant and be overly emotional. And I know it was exhausting for other people when I was like that. But for a long time I was recovering from not so great stuff. And that is how I dealt with it. Now I don't feel the need to do that, thank goodness. I can deal with things in a more healthy way and I am able to let the past be in the past now.

I have tough talks when need be. But now I find myself wanting more positive conversations. Lighthearted, surface level conversations that make me feel carefree.

I think I am all tough talked out. And I am glad. It is freeing.

[milliesmuses]

A Day To Remember

Today I went to the biggest library in my hometown in south Louisiana. Perhaps one day I will share what town I live in. I went to check out "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. I ended up, as usual, checking out many more books because I have no self control and a humble thirst for knowledge.

One of the books I ended up checking out was "Storyworthy" by Matthew Dicks. He is an award winning story teller who teaches people how to tell personal stories as a way of entertainment. This book inspired me to finally start this blog.

I would like to share my life through this blog and hopefully help you feel seen and heard. My twenties so far have been wonderful, insightful, adventurous, horribly lonely and full of existential dread. Please message me if you feel this way. We can feel wonderful and awful together. This is what it means to be human.

Today is a day I would like to remember. And a day I'd like to share with you as it may spark something inside of you.

Like I said, I went to the library today. I sat on my porch and read "Storyworthy" when I noticed heavy, dark grey storm clouds that were coming my way. This is a somewhat common occurrence in Louisiana. I put my plants on the ground in front of my porch and let them get soaked by the rain that came soon after. I continued to read my book and I began to feel lonely as I now do when I am alone.

Before Covid, I loved being alone. I have always described myself as an introvert. But during the pandemic, I spent 2020-2023 in Texas and California. It is hard enough to make friends when you move. Imagine trying to make friends in a new state during a pandemic. I spent an unimaginable time alone. Now I cannot stand it. I am an extravert now through and through.

Luckily, my sister lives in the same apartment complex as me, only three doors down from where I live. So I grabbed my plastic porch chair and my book and walked through the rain to her porch.

She was potting some plants that supposedly attract butterflies while I read my book. I just so happened to began a chapter where the author was talking about one of his ways he comes up with stories to tell people. He began to see the beauty and wonderful moments in his day to day and wrote them down.

I started to think about the moment I was in. I am 24 years old and my sister is 21 years old. I am sitting in a plastic chair that she painted. She spray painted it pink and painted simple purple, yellow and pink flowers all over it. I did something similar with my other porch chair. She is potting plants that we bought with our mom a week ago at a community garden in the downtown area of our city. It is a rainy day on June 5, 2023 and I am reading my library book in a position so that it doesn't get wet.

I am reminded of the all girls summer camp we went too when we were in elementary school. Some days it would rain and all of the dirt paths around the camp would flood. But it would be so cozy in the old wooden cabins during "Rest Hour", our time of rest after all of our camp actives and lunch in the big, wooden dining hall.

Later we will make brownies together.

Many years from now, I hope I remember that simple but wonderful moment in time. When my sister and I were in our early twenties. I was reading a book. She was potting some butterfly plants: Lemon Queens, milkweeds and others. It was June 5, 2023. It was raining softly.

[milliesmuses]

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