moodythings-blog

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i tell myself its just winter depression starting to hit but i don't remember the last time i didn't feel like this

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I finally went through my notes app and deleted old ones from like three years ago... it was the same vibes as like my tumblr page now before i had one, with more self-deprivation because i was in a bad place. Guess i've always loved to yap and had no one to do it to

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This might be a bit niche but I absolutely love snoopy and think he's so cute! But the issue is that I've only come to love him in recent years (because i'm ignorant). I cant get anything snoopy related because i dont want to be one of those people that like him just to be trendy and stuff. I KNOW THIS IS SO STUPID AND UNIMPORTANT BUT UGH!

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I’m going to learn how to do everything

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I want to learn myself, and grow into the best version where I can be proud of myself every day. But I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll mess it up, or I won't like who I see through the reflection in the mirror. I'm scared that who I am is not who I want to be, and what if I can't change? What if I change so much I can't recognise who i am anymore? What if I turn into the very thing I've tried so hard to avoid?

But what if I turn into a version of myself that I absolutely love? One where I can do and wear what I want and not care about the opinions of others. If I don't take the risk, then i couldn't get to that amazing point.

Change is terrifying, but absolutely necessary.

"What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?"

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Ending is sad: ouch

Ending is happy: nice

Ending is bittersweet: I'm going to think about this every day for the rest of my life

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THE GOOD PLACE (2016 - 2020) I 2.12 - Somewhere Else

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Rewatched The Good Place for the first time since s4 dropped and. Oh my god. The Good Place said "people are a result of their environment but we always have a moral responsibility to be better" and The Good Place said "every day the world gets a little more complicated and it gets a little harder to be good" and The Good Place said "even in the face of total nihilism, when nothing you do will matter, you still have to at least try. Because trying is better than the alternative" and The Good Place said "if you have bills to pay and shit to deal with you don't have time or energy to become a better person" and then The Good Place really said "people get better when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't " and THEN The Good Place really said "no one is irredeemable. Everyone can try to be better today than they were yesterday" AND THEN! The Good Place said "Heaven is just enough time with the people that you love" OH MY FUCKING GOD.

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clocking into another shift at the wanting things factory

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sometimes i hate being autistic and 'weird'. I see everyone around me have fun and enjoy their teen years, hanging out with each other and living my dream. and i'm sitting there in my bed watching their stories on instagram wondering why that can't be me. why can't i just be normal like everyone else. why am i like this. what is wrong with me

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oh to be immortal and be able to consume every piece of knowledge and literature ever

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photo albums - growing up

sometimes i look at old photos of myself I look at facebook posts and photo albums I look at the little girl in those pictures

she's so naive, so sweet unaware of what was to come unaware of the pain she would cause she's smiling a big toothy grin she has straight dirty blonde hair she's tall for her age but at a point where the rest of her body hasn't added up she watches dora, peppa pig, and disney movies over and over with her older sister she had so much potential

i look in the mirror to see where that potential got me

i don't smile naturally much anymore and if i do, it certainly doesn't show any teeth i've - we've - learnt to be ashamed of our smile because our teeth 'don't sit right' (since when did we care what other people thought of us?) my hair is wavy and brown from all the times i've dyed it I'm still tall but much more grown into my - our - body (yet it still doesn't stop you from critizing what became of it in the mirror, picking apart at every flaw until looking at ourselves became unbearable) it got to the point that i don't recognise the girl in the mirror and can only look at the remains with disgust i watch romcoms, stupid sitcoms and depressing shows over and over and over again because it's stupid and comforting i'm not nearly as close with our older sister we're burnt out we used to be smart and then everyone caught up and we struggled to keep pace

what happened? where did it all go wrong? where did i fail that little girl?

the person we are now, i don't know who they are but the person we were between this happening is gone. dead. and when i look at myself i can't find that little girl she's gone, replaced i'm a monster now a wasted shell of my former self a disgrace would it be wrong, to grieve what could have been? how amazing she could have become? would it be wrong to mourn someone who didn't die, but merely changed?

to that little girl

if you can hear me, I'm so sorry for what you have become

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When Noah Kahan said "i miss being alone when it didn't mean being alone" and "pain's like cold water, your brain just gets used to it" i felt that on a spiritual level from the bottom of my soul

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"I wish I didn't care at all. I wish I didn't care about anything. But I do care. I care too much."