morethanamillennial

[morethanamillennial]

It’s The Little Things

We are humans. Filled with microscopic cells that work together to create our tissues. These tissues then make up our organs which then work together to make larger organ systems that allow all of our bodies to function. Yet if we are all made of the same little things on the inside, why do we try to find the merely superficial differences? Why do we look for the dissimilarities when the majority of our bodies are the same? We are humans. Ordinary organisms that continue to do extraordinary things. Building rocket ships or self driving cars. Finding cures to diseases or winning the Super Bowl. Yet, these things we accomplish do not just appear from thin air, but instead take many little things that eventually work together to make something great. 

We are just humans and in your lifetime no one is expecting you to find the cure to cancer or win a noble prize. It’s about the little things. It’s about your daily encounters and the attitude that you decide to have every time you get out of bed. It is how you treat your best friend and how you treat the old lady that needed help with her groceries. It’s about how you treat to the blue man the same way you treat the purple or pink man. Imagine this, each person in the entire world has an imaginary circle around themselves. Everyday people pass through your circle whether it’s your friends, family, or strangers. If each person treats the people that pass through their circle with respect no matter their shape, color, background, etc, eventually these circles will overlap and great bigger and bigger circles of positivity. 

At the end of the day we are all humans. Made up of little things that must do little things to achieve greatness. It is a process and you can start at any point in your life. You can post a black square on social media or march in a protest, but its what you do when no one is watching, when the dust has settled and most people have moved on. It’s about treating people how you want to be treated and not how society or someone said they should be treated. And these little things can be as simple as a smile or a “have a nice day”. Everyone can be the change, but only a few will rise to the occasion. It is important to remember that at the end of the day no matter who you are, the king and the pawn go back in the same box. So you better be the best pawn or the best king you can be because that is what matters. Life is simple. It’s the little things.

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What I Feel Is Wrong?

As I sit at my comfortable table, with my comfortable job, with my comfortable education, with my comfortable socioeconomics within my comfortable apartment I wonder what went so wrong. Is everything that is taught to us to be a comfort, actually the catalyst for misery. If you go to college and get a job and make money you're a cog in the wheels, pushing us to the top, The USA, the GREATEST Country in the world. Corporations stand strong and the CEOs are vehemently worshipped. Dimon the bank god! McKinsey the consulting gods! Jobs the apple god! If this path is so just and dignified why aren't all people or even the majority of people thriving & happy...As someone who followed this path although with some minor dips and dings I find myself looking back and thinking that it was all explained wrong. When people are raised they shouldn't be told that success is the doctors and the lawyers but success is daring to think differently. Success isn't the people who go to college but indeed have the confidence and self awareness to take risks. As someone without this confidence I sit now anxious and depressed, knowing that I followed the steps but mentally never thrived. The next job or the next activity for me has always felt like the magic pill. If I make this much more money I will feel it! If I date this girl I will feel it! If I get in shape I will feel it! All of these pursuits found short term satisfaction and took time and effort, time and effort to keep the blindfold down. This reckless approach in steadfast is why in many ways this country doesn't move forward. By pushing a pay to play mentality the mountaintop remains out of reach. Take for example private school. The concept was built to segregate the haves and the have nots, to keep the children of the people who can afford 50k a year in school fees away from the people who can't. To ensure that future brutal capitalists can be molded as children and to Keep the blindfold down.  Why does the president care so deeply for the stock market? Think about it, the stock market is their vice, locking up their fortunes and another generation of institutional brainwash with funds for private school tuition. Wealth is the great divide and to give that up is dangerous, so dangerous they play propaganda wars and elect unsuitable politicians in all moral aspects. Keep the immigrants out, don't allow people to vote and keep the blindfold down. Stock buybacks, lobbyists, gerrymandering, tax havens, shell companies, and neighborhoods. Places like Scarsdale and Beverly hills and Institutions like Exeter and Harvard. You are taught that this system was built for us and to hold tight to it or risk rebellion and keep the blindfold down But now we have the great equalizer. This is a pandemic and the blindfold will begin to raise, ever so slowly. If we can afford trillions in Bailouts we can offer: Universal Healthcare Universal Basic Income Free/Discounted College  If taken at face value with only a thought of if these policies will help people on an individual basis there is no denial that these items are justified. But why are they fought so hard against? To Keep the blindfold down. The blindfold slowly raises, millions of Americans begin to see. And the rich will begin to play a true capitalists game with an unimpaired rival. Those are the days that are coming and I look forward to it.

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Too Quick, Too Deep, Too Soon

Here I am again, as with every challenge, I try to put my feelings into words in an effort to move on. It works sometimes; sometimes it gives me clarity, sometimes it just makes my breathing easier. And just being able to breathe more easily is enough because I am tired of this heavy feeling. The following is a letter, a letter to a stranger that I met on Bumble.  I am not sure how I fell for you so fast and hard. I am not sure when it started or how I did not see it coming or see myself going so fast. I try to convince myself that I am not new at this game of dating and my plentiful experiences taught me some things, but I wonder if this is just me helplessly trying to convince myself that this guy is the exception, when in fact, it is a flaw in my character that I fall for the image I create of a guy, and not the guy himself. The desire and the passion I have to be with my perfect guy makes me idealize my partners and fall too hard. Is that it? Should I just admit it? Am I that hungry for a good, passionate love that I do this to myself? Then I should just admit it to myself. I feel like it would be easier to admit that part about myself, as shallow as it seems than to deal with the thought, and really the pain and disappointment, of falling for a guy because of who he was and not my idealized image of him...as perfect as he seemed, and as gone as he is now.  I try to think of the moments I first started falling for you. I realize I had not even met you yet. My obsession with the idea of you started really after a couple of days of conversation. I was first impressed that I got such a good looking guy to swipe me right and to continue talking to me (something that I realized, as cocky as it may sound, that it is usually how it goes with me the more I stayed on Bumble so please, don’t flatter yourself here. Plenty of good-looking guys swiped me and showed interest. I was quite cute after all). But what was so impressive was how organically and smoothly our conversation developed. I felt like I had so many things to share with you because of the effort and the interest you showed in me and what I was saying. Oh, how much I was craving that attention and you gave it to me. I loved all the common topics we could find to talk about and all the philosophical questions we would open up and discuss - felt like I peeked in your soul and I just wanted more and more. I was patiently (okay, maybe inside me, not as patiently) waiting for you to mention meeting up. I eeked when you first mentioned it and I pressed by enthusiastically saying: I am down to meet up! I said that casually, but I felt my body feel with excitement. I just felt good about everything "you" and I could not wait to confirm that with an actual face.  I remember that Tuesday as it was yesterday. I was getting ready all day, even when I was trying to downplay that whole date. My brother teased me that I put so much effort—it is just one guy and one date...but no, I was excited and I felt some vibration in my gut. (Note to self: If this is not obvious evidence that I was in love with the idea of him before I even met him...).  I am trying to replay the first date in my head and really, really figure out whether everything is as perfect as I imagined or was it again just my idealization. But I am afraid it was perfect...I mean, we never stopped talking (mainly me, but you too), you never took your eyes off of me, we rolled with the night and we laughed and we opened up some deep stuff that I did not think had a place during a first date. I was not even nervous to mention a second date— there has to be a second, this is too good to finish here. I knew you felt the same way. You just did not want the night to end; tell me I am making this up, tell me.  And that kiss in my car, our first kiss...it was as lusty as gentle as passionate as kind as loving as a first kiss could be. It might have been a kiss with a stranger I just met five hours ago, but it felt like a lightning bolt just stroke me as we kissed. It was good; tell me that it wasn’t, tell me.  As much as I was afraid to let my imagination grow wild and my hopes high, and as much as I was suppressing my fears of going too fast or diving in too deep, that much more I was getting involved with every text, with every joke, with every thoughtful response. I was happy. I was on cloud nine. I was rewinding our conversations and anticipating more. I was imagining our next meet up. I was thrilled to have met someone I can connect in this way with; tell me that I was the only one feeling this connection, tell me.  Second date came. I felt good. Your place charmed me. Your gentle loving swiped me off my feet. Your music record player vibed so well with my style. You kept saying how good of a kisser and lover I am, and I kept repeating - it is the chemistry between us. It really was; tell me you did not feel it, tell me.  Third date came. It felt natural. I felt like I was slowly becoming even more myself around you. I talked less but opened up more. You were leaving for a week the next day and I told you I will give you my all when you get back as I felt we have come to that point. I could not wait to make love to you, and your desire was also evident when I said that as you whispered “you are gonna make me think about it all week” and threw me onto the bed before I caught Uber home. And then I pulled you into me at the door as we were waiting on the Uber for one last passionate kiss. You were gentle yet playfully held my neck as you kissed me passionately; tell me this did not spark your gut, tell me. Because it sparked everything in me.  This next part is what gets me. We were texting and wanting each other. I find it hard to comprehend that while I am feeling all these things, you find the need to be updating your Bumble profile and actively looking to impress other girls as I later found out. It gets me because it makes me doubt that all the feels and all the “tell me’s” were maybe indeed only in my head. Because, why the hell would you want to impress someone else when you are parallelly sweeping me off my feet? When we are feeling all that we are feeling, that passion, that spark, that chemistry, that organic flow?  Fourth date came and I cooked for you. You were as gentle and as thoughtful as ever. You patiently watched me cook and shyly made a comment on how you like to watch me cooking. I jokingly made the comment that that is very patriarchal of you. We ate the somewhat okayish dinner I made, and yet you generously complimented. As we were sipping red wine from our glasses, the tension was too much to bear and soon enough, we found ourselves passionately kissing in my bed. I reminded you of my promise, which you have conveniently remembered and we had some passionate, yet gentle loving. Felt good feeling your manhood, especially since my juices had not felt the presence of manhood in a while. I opened up as a flower, you made me weak in my knees and dizzy in my head. It was much wanted, it was much needed. I needed it, I wanted it. I wanted you. And more importantly, I felt wanted and needed and desired. You made me feel all these things at once. And as we continued the fun in your apartment and your bed, as I kept getting the same feelings that such powerful and hard manhood gives you, I could also feel your touch pulling me towards your embrace, your soft kisses on my forehead, your gentle efforts to shape your body on mine. And as the night fell and we fell asleep, our bodies felt like one. I felt such happiness and such completeness. As I laid there, I remembered the emptiness I felt when I would lay with my ex after sex. It was empty, it was shallow, it was strange. You would think seven years of desire, friendship, respect and five years of relationship would give that to me. No, it did not. It did not give me what you gave me after not even two months of knowing you. It felt good.  The next week proceeded as always. We talked, we just clicked. It bugged me that you are not making plans to see me, but I blamed it on you being slow as always. I decided to take things in my hands and I invited you over. You spoke about telling your best friend about me and it felt as things were following their natural course. We had sex to the music of H.E.R. We laughed as we drank red wine. We had sex again. And we fell asleep in each other arms. You smiled as I emerged out of bed in your shirt in the morning. You stole a kiss on the mouth as I sleepily reached for your cheek. We hugged and you left. “Have fun hiking this weekend”, you said, not knowing that the next day you will start doubting your feelings and your fears will take over.  And this is where the story ends. This is how I want to remember it ending. I don’t want to remember the sadness and fear that overcame me when I started getting that gut feeling that you are pulling away. I don’t want to remember that feeling of wanting to have control over this, wanting to make it last, wanting to pull the ends together and stick them together again. I don’t want to remember the talk in the coffee shop when you said “let me think about it”, I don’t want to remember the “you were my first swipe, I wish I did not swipe you so soon”, I don’t want to remember “this just feels like bad timing”. I don’t want to replay any of that in my head because I catch myself analyzing and reanalyzing what your words mean and finding hope in them, while one thing is for sure - you just did not like me enough to keep this going. Some may say it was fear, some may say it was overthinking. I say that if you wanted it badly enough, you would have made it through regardless of any feelings of pull back you might have had because you wanted this girl and you did not want to miss the chance to be with her, get to know more of her, get to treat her kindly before anybody else does. She was not worth enough, and unfortunately that she is me. The me that felt all those sparks and chemistry and connection and desire and passion. The me that desperately and silently tried to keep the ends together. The me that fell for you too hard and too fast.  A month has passed since we last saw each other. While all you could say about us that last time was how great it felt after we had sex last, all I could think about is how I want more of us and how I cannot wait to get over the feeling of needing and not getting what I need. 

I am sad to say I still have not gotten over the feeling of needing you yet. I still daydream and replay our dates. I still hope your words did not mean what I know for a fact they meant. But this shall pass too. I will not suppress these feelings. I will live through them and remind myself that the pain of needing but not having is sweet in this way. At the end of the day, what our story taught me is that I was right to break off my last relationship; there can be someone out there that really listens and makes me feel desired. There is someone out there, just like you, that will make me feel deserving of all the attention and thoughtfulness, even when I am too much. Even when I talk too much. Even when I rush into things too fast. There is someone out there and I will find him. Until then, I will allow myself to feel the disappointment that that someone did not turn out to be you. But not because of you, but because of everything we had...because to think it was all you is to allow myself to think you were the one. And you were not. Because if you were, you would have chosen me. You would have been by my side right this second. And instead of me writing this letter, we would have been making crazy passionate love while listening to some slow jams. And then we would drink red wine and do it all again. Because that is how we rolled. But it is what it is. There will be someone else, for both you and me.

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[morethanamillennial]

Second * On The Right

Escaped from everything Never thought it would be possible  I am the meaning of self entrapment Insecure, never knew any better Self doubt was all I knew Lost boy/girl She had a flashlight  Brought me out of the dark The weight was lifted Quicksand was my only home  Never thought floating would be a feeling I’d feel  Neverland is where she brought me Her name is 2nd Star on the Right

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[morethanamillennial]

Where I'm At

You ask me how I'm doing. I've already had about a million conversations with you in my head. I've told you personal things, deep things, we've laughed, we've cried, we've talked about the serious and the not so serious -- and then I climb out of my mind and all I've actually managed to say to you is nothing. "My weekend was fine." It's the same old rhetoric. It's polite. But it's never been what I've actually wanted to say to you. So I have to manage with looks that I hope you can read, body language I hope that you eventually catch on to. And then there's you. You who my life seems to be all about serving. Everything is okay as long as it's fine for you. It doesn't matter what I want, as long as life is going the way that you want it to. You wonder why I have never fallen in love with you. Plain and simple - I can't. You give me nothing to fall in love with - you just expect me to be there manifested out of your twisted male fantasy. But where am I? You don't see me. You don't hear me. You just bury all of my cries.

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[morethanamillennial]

#Repost @shirien.creates with @make_repost ・・・ Yesterday, in yet another act of anti-black police violence causing mass outrage, George Floyd yelled “I can’t breathe” and pleaded for his life as a white Minneapolis police officer violently pinned him down with his knee on his neck. George died after. He was murdered in broad daylight. His death is reminiscent of the death of Eric Garner. Even with a crowd yelling at him to stop and while folks filmed the murder, the cop did it anyway, showing the massive injustice, zero accountability and white supremacy embedded in the “criminal justice” system. Heartbroken, angry and disgusted. This must end. Much love and solidarity to Black communities grieving another beautiful life lost. May George Floyd Rest in Power. Text ‘Floyd’ to 55156 to demand the officers be charged with murder. You can also call Mayor Jacob Frey at (612)-673-2100, DA Mike Freeman at (612)-348-5550 and demand justice. #blacklivesmatter #georgefloyd #icantbreathe #justiceforgeorgefloyd https://www.instagram.com/p/CAx3rbNnw2-/?igshid=1ppr6c83hij2a

[morethanamillennial]

I'm White - My Opinion Doesn't Matter

My name is Carly Schrantz-Welsch. I’m Irish, German, Dutch, French, English… in laymen’s terms… I’m white. I was born and raised in a predominately “white” town. All the children, all the adults, all the people I was in contact with for a significant part of my childhood, were white. My opinion doesn’t matter.

On Monday evening, May 25th 2020, in Minneapolis, Minnesota a forty-six year old black man named George Floyd died. Let me correct that; On Monday evening, May 25th 2020, in Minneapolis, Minnesota a forty-six year old black man named George Floyd was murdered. George Floyd was not murdered out of “passion”. George Floyd was not murdered in regards to “drug-related issues”. George Floyd was murdered out of ignorance, and blatant disrespect. Since when did being black in America constitute a death sentence? Actually, I should ask a more accurate question; WHEN WILL being black in America STOP constituting a death sentence?

Let me reiterate, I’m white. My opinion doesn’t matter. In regards to the current emotions going through the hearts and souls of the black community, it shouldn’t. Human emotion is not a matter of fact. Who am I to tell someone how to feel about something that I have no emotional connection to? I’ve read about black history, I’ve been current with events happening within that community for most of my adult life; especially recently. It doesn’t matter what knowledge I hold in my brain, these issues don’t weigh heavy on my heart. They can’t, not in the way it does for anyone in the black community. How could it?

I see many different people of different races posting on the defense in regards to what happened to George Floyd. How in the world did we all become so ignorant? This isn’t about cops; it’s about brutality against a race. Anger towards that does NOT coincide with anger towards all. How are we not better by now? How are we not aware? I’m no exception to this, I’m learning daily and it upsets me to say, it’s because of a selfish reason. My eyes are being opened because I have African Americans in my life that I LOVE. How dare I climb up and sit on my throne to preach, when I haven’t before? How dare I make this about ME? THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME. I AM WHITE AND MY OPINION DOESN’T MATTER. I will continue to grow, continue to learn, but I will NEVER in my LIFE fully understand. It’s impossible. That’s not a cop-out, that’s not an excuse; it’s a fact. Just like the fact of the matter is we all need to stop taking “Black Lives Matter” as “White Lives Don’t”, because that’s not what it’s about. In all honesty, it says a lot more about you than it does the black community if that’s the way you see it.

If you are any other race rather than African American; being on the defense is not okay.

If you are any other race rather than African American; being silent is not okay.

If you are any other race rather than African American; YOUR NEGATIVE OPINION ON THIS DOESN’T MATTER.

Be better. Please, for the love of GOD and the FUTURE OF OUR HUMAN RACE – BE BETTER.

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We’re Not Really Strangers

[morethanamillennial]

Basilica of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Mary Magdalene and Saint Stanislaus, Poznań, Poland by starjan_art

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[morethanamillennial]

Artist Spotlight: Nightspring

The music scene is full of plentiful talent across the pop punk spectrum, however Nightspring are much more than that. The band hailing from Brisbane, Australia brings a mixed bag of sounds to the table. The five person band consisting of Michael Hermon (Vocals), Myles Vele (Vocals/Bass), Alex Woolard (Guitar), and Matthew Barkmeyer (Drums) recently released “Surrender” followed by debut album “Reflections”; a six track EP full of emotion. I sat down with the boys of Nightspring to discuss their success throughout 2019, the best tracks for newcomers, and of course their new album ‘Reflections.’

More Than A Millennial: 2019 saw the release of latest Ep ‘Reflections’. How does the music making process come about, and what inspires you in the songwriting process?

Michael: Our process has always been a bit weird, purely because we all have such conflicting schedules for the moment and don’t always have time to write together. It tends to start off with Myles writing anything from a simple seed idea to randomly showing up with a whole song already mapped out. We’ll add it to the band Dropbox and chat about it, then him and I will usually get together to work on lyrics and vocals. After that, it’s just the job of getting everyone’s parts recorded. Hopefully things will become a lot more organic in the future as we all get used to our individual writing styles.

Myles: Yeah, we’re definitely not a band that works like the old-school model of sit in a room and jam it out until you find something you like. I think that kind of mentality when it comes to writing songs like Sydney is admirable to anyone who can pick things up quickly without any real idea of where a song is going!

   More Than A Millennial: The music you make embraces writing from real experiences and feelings ‘Surrender’ in particular sounds like it was a personal story. Do you find creating music easier drawing from your own lives, making it a free flowing procedure?

Michael: Surrender is definitely inspired by a personal story, it was something that happened to me a few years back. I told Myles about it and he got inspired by it I guess! In regards to drawing from real experiences, 100% easier. Every song off of Reflections was inspired by real things we’ve been through, so it adds a level of reality to the messages we’re trying to share.

Myles: Surrender is strange to me because I don’t really remember writing the lyrics so much as the instruments. I was listening to a lot of Don Broco, Muse and Limp Bizkit at the time, so instrumentally, the bass was a big factor in shaping that song. But I must say, it was super fun to experiment with how we’d lyrically showcase the personal experience through the chorus. Some of those lyrics in Surrender are some of my favourite we’ve written just because of their quotable nature.

More Than A Millennial: Who influences your style of music, is there a particular artist who inspires you all individually or as a group?

Myles: I would say there’s no particular sound that influences us, more so common bands that we listen to but don’t really aim to sound like.

Michael: We all have wildly diverse tastes in music, from metal to country to K-Pop, but I think if we all had to narrow it down, I'd probably say we’re all inspired by Linkin Park and Hands Like Houses. Our vocal inspirations tend to be very different from instrumentals though.

Myles: One hundred percent. Where we get vocal inspiration can range from a specific style to a vowel pronunciation from a specific artist, album or even song! Instrumentally, it’s just looking for something fun, be it bouncy, catchy or dramatic. That kind of unbound creativity was definitely from watching the making of Linkin Park’s Minutes to Midnight documentary one too many times.

   More Than A Millennial: If you had to play a newcomer a Nightspring song to introduce them to the band, which song would you pick?  

Michael: Oh man, either ‘Sydney’ or ‘Goodnight’ I think! Goodnight displays our poppier side the most and Sydney the heavier side we seem to be naturally moving towards, those seem to both be favourites at the moment for their relative dichotomy.

  More Than A Millennial: A lot of musicians have recently talked about how streaming services pay very little to featured artists on their platform – what is your take on the situation? And what is the best way to support an artist in this digital age?

Myles: I think Spotify is the current trend of the music industry to evaluate an artist’s worth, which is ironic considering how little the direct return an artist gets from it is. However, I do think that from a consumer to company perspective, it does make a lot of sense how little artists receive as listeners don’t actually purchase nor own that music they listen to. It’s basically a modern-day online Blockbuster, or Video Ezy for those old enough to know what that is.

More Than A Millennial: What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received, and who was it from?

Michael: Something along the lines of ‘Sometimes you’re going to fail ten times before you succeed once, you’ve just got to make sure you keep pushing through those ten times to reach the successes’. That was Josh Ramsay from Marianas Trench after a show once. Always stuck with me.

Myles: Indirectly, ‘Love keeps us kind’ from the LInkin Park song The Messenger. Those are four impactful words to incorporate into your day to day life.

  More Than A Millennial: In the last 12 months, what would you say was Nightspring’s biggest achievements?

Myles: Probably self-producing our EP. I can definitely hear things that I would change now, but if you’d have told me after ‘Looking Back’ that we’d be crazy enough to do this when we’re trying to establish ourselves strongly in the Brisbane rock scene, I’d have said it’d never happen!

Michael: It was a pretty uneventful year musically for us. ‘Reflections’ was definitely the biggest part of our year, as well as playing our first show at the premiere of a TV series. 2020 is set for much bigger achievements, I think.

  More Than A Millennial: If you could put on a festival with your dream line up who would headline, and what would the theme be?

Michael:I’d annoy a lot of people and do a country festival on one stage with Sam Hunt, Florida Georgia Line and Dan + Shay, and a rock festival on the other stage with Hands Like Houses, One OK Rock and Avenged Sevenfold. See how delightfully that goes down :’)

Myles: Let’s be honest, I’d be similar and have a “levels to a mosh pit” themed festival and have a single line up with Ed Sheeran, Mike Shinoda, Stray Kids, You Me At Six, Hands Like Houses, Our Last Night and Parkway Drive! Headliner would have definitely been Linkin Park.

  More Than A Millennial: With 2020 being a new decade, how will Nightspring evolve?

Myles: Oh man, in so many ways. We definitely want to not just be a band, but a broader family within the music and local community. I personally have a dream to really get into some charitable stuff like getting out on the streets and helping those in need or running fundraising events for some really cool causes through the band. The music really is just the tip of the iceberg for the kind of group Nightspring wants to evolve into, I think. 

Michael: We’re always evolving, to be honest. Even in the year and a half since we released our debut single ‘Looking Back’ we’re a completely different band, so that’s a definite yes I think to evolving.

More Than A Millennial: What would be the absolute dream goal to achieve in the future? And where can our readers follow your musical journey and hopefully see you perform live? 

Michael: We’re very much a band that looks to the foreseeable future first and foremost, so playing a festival Like Good Things would be an awesome achievement. 

Myles: I think it’d be fair to aspire to play Good Things in Brisbane. But playing any sort of national tour beyond just the east coast would be mental.

Be sure to follow the boys over on the following social media pages below:

► Spotify - open.spotify.com/artist/1tWMgYGK6JoGRVEmZrcKN6

► Facebook - facebook.com/NightspringAU

► Instagram - instagram.com/nightspringau/

► Twitter - twitter.com/NightspringAU

[morethanamillennial]

I Forgive You

It's been a really long road between you and me. We always thought we were on the right track. Ignorant to everyone and everything. We took any type of criticism as an attack and would act against in a destructive way. We saw accepting help as a sign of weakness because through it all, we felt we knew what we were doing. So naive. Went about our days thinking if we let time do its thing, theres no need to change because it would all blow over and handle itself. Wrong. We were never the problem. I let you tell me there was nothing wrong with us and everything was okay. Im surprised you don't know what went on in our minds during that period.  The dark days. You left me. I left you. Either way, depression took its toll and all we thought we could do was succumb to it.  I never thought, maybe we should be this way instead, and everything will be okay. So reliant on time and thinking at some point there would be that "perfect" moment. Without doing anything, things would only get worse. The lifelong insecurities. The premonitions, the self doubt and self hatred. Picture 10 clowns stuffed in a smartcar. Thats what we were. Not anymore. I need to leave you behind. I need to grow from you. I’m not "us" anymore. I never believed in closure, until i needed it. I don't hate you.  I never will and never can. I’m stuck with you without a choice. For us to change, i need to look at you and tell you I forgive you. You were my worst enemy, but now you're my best mate. I love you and I forgive you, to myself.

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[morethanamillennial]

To All Those Forgotten Before

My friend is gone now. I don’t know what happened and I never will. I don’t have any photos of her and I never will. All her social media has been deactivated and like all parents, they picked a terrible picture to remember her by; Unkept blonde hair. Alone.  I’d like to think she killed herself. What else could have happened to her to warrant this erase of her existence? But deep down I don’t think she really did. The last time I talked to her was before Halloween. She had moved out of my condo and was living with her boyfriend and his roommate with the possibility of getting their own place this year. But shows how much I know, since I don’t know when they broke up just that they weren’t together in the end. It’s not like we were that close but we were friends, not just roommates glad to get rid of each other.  It hurts a lot that I’ll never know. I suppose I need the truth in order to get closure. It won’t make me a less shitty person if she did kill herself and I didn’t check in on her and she wants to be forgotten. It won’t make me agree with her family’s decision to virtually erase her either. It won’t make the world remember she existed. So what’s the point of all of this? She never finished college. Probably never finished the book she got a grant to write. Never found her dream job or the bliss of owning her own place. But she did get to travel. She road elephants in Thailand, went with her sister to Spain, visited friends in other cities and had vacations with her family. She did find love, and was unapologetic about it. Never afraid to ask for what she wanted, she even flew out to a lover on an island. All I can hope is that she got what she wanted. Because in the end we find out what the end is.

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[morethanamillennial]

Every Day

 I text you every day. It’s become a second nature just hoping to see that “delivered”. Is this how things are going to be? People say the things you desire the most are probably the worst for you.  What if that thing you didn’t desire was the best thing to ever happen to you? What if that message did go through? My nightmare is it’s the wrong number one day.  If it stays the same is there an expiration date on blocks? I’m at a loss just thing everyday thought of “where is she, how is she?” Everyday through all the work and conversations there’s this burning under me as if I’m sitting on a stove that just pushes me to my worst enemy, my mind.  Think here, think there, the message still won’t go through.

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[morethanamillennial]

Love and This Younger Generation

Today's younger generation is a quick one at love. I'm not really meaning to bash anyone's personal choices here, but I do think a serious observation on my part should be shared. I'm 38, married since I was 21 and have a tween and a teen. I met my husband in high school, we married young. We had our babies young. We bought our first home young. We lost our home young. All this happened before we both turned 30.

Most days my husband and I feel we've lived a lifetime together already. We both look at each other and laugh. Behind the laugh things feel real, like really real..like can we continue this life together for 40 more years and still be happy? Will we grow apart any day now? You see, we feel special and pretty woke like the young ones say. Relationships like ours are rare, we know it and see how this younger generation "hooks up" and disposes of their new bae the minute things get a little rough. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think people have to suffer in relationships but people can learn a lot through relationship trials and tribulations. Most things are forgivable. I just keep seeing people dump good hearted people left and right over superficial reasons. Just within my own family, there's more unwed mothers than ever before and these now strong independent man hating women are bitter at just 25 years old. 

Let's get real ladies and gentleman. Your one night stand bar hopping cutie never intended to get pregnant and married all within one night. Stop that bad habit now! For those who are happily married to your bar cutie, good for you! Your relationship is rare, just like mine. Protect that please, respect, trust and loyalty are everything in a loving relationship. Let's break the 50/50 divorce statistic. Keep those three things up and your golden.  Now for those of you single people that still haven't found the love of your life, please stop bashing your married friends for not joining you in your late night bad habit behavior. Be happy for your friends, your time is coming and soon you will be part of that life too, but for now, be nice because that friend who's tied down to their partner is living a beautiful life filled with love. So, stop being a little hater and keep on searching for what you deserve. You can do it!

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[morethanamillennial]

An Open Letter to the Boy Who Broke More Than My Heart

Dear "Sunshine”, Hey, it’s been a while. How’s school? I know you were worried, you’ve never been very good at balancing school work with all the other stuff you do. I haven’t seen you around lately, which is a relief. Sometimes I feel this almost uncontrollable urge to go over to your building and confront you. The thing is, I’m not sure what I would say. Besides, I’m being the bigger person, letting this go, not holding you accountable for what you did. It’s not worth the effort - you’re not worth the effort. If I could talk to you, though, I think I’d just ask why. I want answers. I want to understand what happened, how love turned so sour, why either of us let things happen the way they did.

It turns out that I don’t need you to answer those questions. The more space I get, the more the memories start coming back and filling in the gaps, and the more I trust myself to make conclusions. What I’ve found is this: I had a role in things, obviously, but I’m not the villain I always saw myself as. I was a girl who wanted to please you, wanted to be a “good” girlfriend. Suggestions were requirements in my mind, and I quickly lost track of who I really was in the quest to be what you wanted. Regardless, let’s be real: I came out of that relationship a lot worse than I went in, and you came out of it mostly unscathed. You hurt me, badly, and figuring out why haunted me for so many days and nights.

The answer’s quite simple, really. You’re insecure and immature. They’re harsh criticisms, I’m aware, but they sum things up well. From your irresistible sexual urges to your disputes with the way I dressed and acted and talked to your inability to have a mature conversation or take care of yourself, you truly epitomized a boy struggling with himself and making it the world’s problem.

In our (really, your) sexual life, your urges had to be fulfilled, had to be validated so you didn’t feel like something was wrong with wanting them. Whether I was uncomfortable or telling you to stop didn’t really matter, did it? After you stole my first kiss with my arms pinned to the bed and my head pulling away, I learned quickly that “no” didn’t do much good. What was I supposed to do except be labeled a tease? I was the slut and the ho of the group after all, I shouldn’t have had a problem putting out. So I started saying, “not yet,” knowing I would give in soon enough to the obligations of my “good” girlfriend role. After all, if I didn’t give you what you wanted, you’d go down one of three paths: start rambling about how awful and weird you were for wanting it, find a way to get it by not admitting what you were doing, or just take it anyway.

The thing is, you wanted me to give away everything in the dark, but things were different in the daylight. You didn’t trust yourself to be good enough, so you couldn’t trust me to be myself. If yours weren’t the only eyes that saw me - my top was sheer or too low cut, or I didn’t cross my legs prim and proper - then I was betraying you. Other eyes would turn into other hands, and then you would lose me. Remember that time at a party where I was sitting on the floor with my legs parted and you stepped on the middle of my skirt to make sure no one could see anything? God, I can still feel the humiliation. In a way, it’s funny that I met the boy I love now during a time where I was dressing the most conservative - my heart was stolen from you, but it had nothing to do with my body. It must be crazy to you that someone could fall in love without eyes looking down a dress or hands slipping up one.

But whenever I noticed an issue like those, I was so often faced by an impossible question: how do you argue with someone who crumples at the slightest pang of guilt? It’s impossible to truly express a problem or concern when you have to spend all your energy reassuring the other person that they’re not awful for making you feel the way they did. So I usually ended up just taking it back. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it.” All my pain turned inwards, because telling you about it would just be asking for you to break down. I understand you have a past, so do I. You need to face this, though. You can’t live all your life unable to face any guilt or acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Ultimately, your inability to deal with the little things led to you hurting me on such a larger scale.

Besides your inability to handle guilt, you could never face conflict either. You prefer to stand off to the side, agreeing with one side on Monday and the other on Tuesday - whatever it takes to keep people from getting mad at you. I have to say, that doesn’t seem super healthy, but to each their own. The problem is that I had to fit into that lifestyle. I’m outspoken and strongly opinionated and loud and stubborn. That’s part of what makes me who I am. You didn’t really care about me being me, though, just about keeping out of drama. So you’d complain, asking me if I could just stop being so opinionated, if I could keep my thoughts to myself. My voice was inconvenient to you, and so you wanted it gone. What hurt the most is that, if drama ever did arise, you assumed I was in the wrong. “She says you were being passive aggressive, why would you do that? Now I’m in the middle.” “I heard you called her a slut, so I apologized for you to everyone involved. You can’t say that kind of thing.” Once again, however, I couldn’t confront you about it for fear of you breaking down.

Your immaturity meant I could never trust you to take care of yourself either. My life became consumed by making sure you were okay, since I knew you wouldn’t. You couldn’t stand up for yourself, so I felt that I had to step in. You didn’t eat, so I made you food regularly. Any time I spent talking to you was less time you spent sleeping, so I felt awful for even wanting to talk to my boyfriend. You worked yourself to exhaustion and never took a break, so I watched on, a ball of anxiety, making sure you drank water and sat down. If I couldn’t take care of you, what was I worth?

In the end, I left for none of these reasons, because I didn’t even realize them until your grip on my mind started to fade. Still, I’m glad I left, and I’m not sorry for a second - at least not for you. I’m sorry to myself for staying as long as I did, for ever believing that your needs and feelings mattered more than mine. I’m sorry to myself for learning to be silent and forgetting who I was.

I hope you learn to love yourself as deeply as I once did. I hope you grow up and find yourself the way I’m trying to now. To be blunt, though, I don’t particularly care. You’re not my problem anymore, and you never should have been to begin with. Just one request: let me move on. Best wishes, A girl you’ll never truly know P.S. I’m dyeing my hair pink this weekend. You’d hate it, as you told me so many times, but I really couldn’t care less. I’m going to look so beautiful, a word I no longer define by how much I fit your fantasies.

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