mossymaplediaries

[mossymaplediaries]

Refuge.

[mossymaplediaries]

What’s your fantasy?

[mossymaplediaries]

i thought i was at my lowest but holy shit it gets lower

[mossymaplediaries]

They should invent a new kind of Being Alive where it's not painful and it doesn't hurt constantly and actually feels worth it and you're happy for more than a few hours at a time

[mossymaplediaries]

It’s one of those nights where I feel like people would be better off without me,

They wouldn’t have to deal with my bullshit, or the fact that I always leave a mess, or ask for extra help and become a burden.

Because I’m a mess, and a burden, and a lot to deal with. I get it.

Hitting myself over and over again due to self inflicted anger for forever fucking up good things and scaring people .

God forbid I ask for extra help. It won’t happen again. I’ll be content from now on I promise I’ll be good. I just need to be better.

Be better than this, even if it kills me.

[mossymaplediaries]

11/08/2024 12:53 PM

My younger self won’t stop crying today, and the teenager in me is angry at the world.

We have this big exiting thing happening that we never thought would happen. Yet it feels like the support isn’t there.

It’s like all the times we had concerts, recitals, yet my parents and family didn’t or couldn’t show up. It feels a little worse; however; since the people who I think and are like family can no longer be there. Despite everything I do to change my schedule, to make sure they’re accommodated for. What’s the point?

So my younger self cries, my teenage self is angry at the world.

Does any of this even matter anymore? If I just stop talking, distance myself; take in what I need. I wonder who would actually reach out.

[mossymaplediaries]

10/30/2024: 8PM

Wake, Work, Study, Repeat A cycle unbroken My steel bones creak in a weary tune, While my heart hums low, forgotten soon. Wake, Work, Study, Repeat Eyes open, with my vision glazed, Lost in the passing hours within the haze. I shuffle around, my gears shift and grind I'm a mimic of my own life, only half-blind. Wake, Work, Study, Repeat Somewhere whithin this metal core, There's a voice, a sign, a cry to ask for more- Beyond this endless cycle, an endless spin A spark will wonder: How can I be me again?

[mossymaplediaries]

10/28/2024: 3AM

I find it really funny how much I've changed.

Going from someone who didn't care about anything, my looks, my grades, keeping my room clean, because who really cared; I was gonna be gone soon anyway; to suddenly caring about everything. I'm now 25, almost 26, and this thing consumes me. And I'm not talking about "oh I'm going to hyper-fixate on this for awhile and put it away" like a toy, I mean it severally consumes me to make sure everything...and I mean everything is perfect. Am I a good partner? Friend? Coworker? Student? Am I skinny enough? Am I pretty enough? Will going to the gym more and eating better make my partner happy? How many hours do I have to slave away to prove my worth to my co-workers, both in working for a company and running one. Do I need to do better? And suddenly It's a spiral. Because of course I'm not. I need to do better. I need to do more. I need to become better. I need to do more, do more, DO MORE, D O M O R E Its consuming me. Gnawing at my brain until I break down. I'm surprised I haven't yet. It's funny how life works that way.