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munchflix · 2 years

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MUNCHFLIX - THE REQUIN

IMDB BLURB: A couple on a romantic getaway find themselves stranded at sea when a tropical storm sweeps away their villa. In order to survive, they are forced to fight the elements, while sharks circle below.

WARNINGS: Cheesy gore, the ocean, unbelievably cheap CGI, unbelievable amount of yelling. Gifs include cheesy blood/gore and, unfortunately, terrible special effects.

RATING: A movie about a heroic shark that trying to rid the world of stupid people. ( shout out to chriztwisted on the imdb page )

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: I wanna give a quick shout out to Alicia Silverstone for her incredible lung power in this movie. Girl, you are an internet icon, wtf are you doing in this movie. There has to be a better way out there for you. This is some Lifetime Original shit. You're not going to see anything original in this god forsaken cookie cutter "shark" film, but you are going to root for the shark. Biscuits once again making margarita. People are gonna start to think you're an alcoholic.

Biscuits: Is this a shark movie? I don't know. We both watched this and all I remember is it sucked and these people are DUMB. What is this even called?

M: The Requin, which is french for shark.

B: I forgot about this backstory at the beginning!

M: So our main chick, Alicia Silverstone here, had a miscarraige? Either way she lost a baby. This will be really and not at all important throughout the film.

B: I don't know what this has to do with anything at all. She has a husband. Kyle, HusbandMan. He is as generic as she is. That's how the internet works, buddy, everyone is your therapist.

M: For context, the happy couple is going over some text messages from her friends. It adds no depth to the characters. We have not been told where they are or why.

B: They're on a vacation of some sort in a bungalow near some water in a place with palm trees. Could be Florida, could be the other side of the world. There's some establishing shots that imply an asian country. Oh no the movie has now told us that they are in Vietnam.

M: Now a vacation montage! With some bad bad music.

B: This fully looks like an advertisement. I’m expecting an end card that says - Ask your doctor is Shlorpex is right for you. Side effects may include spontaneous human combustion. My margarita is crunchy. First world problems.

Ask your doctor if getting eaten by a fucking shark is right for you.

M: This has been going on for like five minutes.

B: To establish they're happy! This is just a movie about two white people who have a great vacation! They go to a war memorial!?

M: And ask white people questions. What is the point of this? I don't understand what any of this lead up has to do with the rest of the movie. Are we supposed to draw some parallel between her and Joan of Arc?

B: Now she's video chatting her mom? I didn't catch this part the first time we watched this.

M: There's so much work up to where ANYTHING HAPPENS. Like an hour of it.

B: She has family members. Like a mom and a sister so you empathize with her. I have family! We're so alike!

M: Side note, the acting is....incredible. The dialogue is also incredible.

B: So she lost her job, and her kid, which is kind of a big deal. And it looks like that might have been her last chance.

M: WOW.

B: Time runs out! She's getting up there! I'm just saying! How's Kyle? Oh he's fine! He seems like he's not sad at all about our dead child! Maybe we shouldn't do this review, I’m getting spicy in this one.

M: You are! Oh there's a hurricane, but feel free to video chat even longer. That literally went on for ten minutes. They could have cut like the entire first hour of this movie out.

B: My first review of the Requin, you can watch only the second half and get the same experience. Oh look, being on vacation has not served to make me no longer sad about my traumatic experience.

M: I'm still reeling from Kyle's dadbod.

B: Bring back Jared Leto.

M: No. But this movie might be improved by Jared Leto.

B: I'd pay attention for a couple seconds at least. Alicia at least has a natural looking body which is nice to see. They didn't try to make her or him look artificially hotter or anything.

M: Now a long pointless bit of them going swimming/scuba diving. And some stock footage, which there is a TON of. Like the dude just went on youtube and looked up scenes from underwater.

B: A turtle! I love sea turtles. Look at this wise creature - they always look like they've got some sage advice for you.

This stock footage of a sea turtle is the most exciting thing that’s happened in the movie so far.

M: Now Kyle has cut his foot like really badly on a rock and we're getting flashbacks to the worst pregnancy belly we've ever seen while Alicia has flashbacks to, I guess losing her baby. I'm still not sure what that has to do with the movie.

B: This isn't a movie about a woman dealing with the grief over the loss her her child though, it's about a fucking shark. You would not believe the turn it takes if you didn't know where it was going.

M: The shark doesn't even show up until an hour into the movie. Now she's crying and screaming again, she's gonna do this a LOT. Kyle is explaining that his wife isn't at fault while she stands in the water, crying about blaming herself.

B: The acting is really bad. Like, I might actually feel for the backstory if the acting wasn't really really bad. I have trouble reconciling that this is the same movie that the whole shark thing happens in.

M: *checks time* *sighs* Oh apparently vacation time is over because Alicia has PTSD and isn't having fun ANYMORE. So they're gonna leave. Except they're not.

B: Her name is Jaelyn. That's a Hobby Lobby shopper name right there.

M: What a white fucking name. Shout outs to all the Jaelyns reading this. We could literally skip ahead half an hour.

B: We gotta stop reviewing movies where nothing happens.

M: But shit is gonna happen! I also love that she saw a fucking hurricaine warning and not only didn't tell Kyle, but they're in a FLOATING VILLA.

B: And the hotel wasn't like - hey maybe we should evacuate the people from the floating bungalows.

The hurricane’s getting closer.

M: Kyle says it's fine though. Just a storm. No big. I wanna keep a tally of BAD DECISIONS. 1 - not mentioning the hurricane to kyle. 2 - not relocating. Okay so somehow they slept clear til their entire bungalow was flooded up to the bed and water is literally raining down on them but now they're awake! Kyle got thrown by some poltergeist and he's badly injured now. I guess the room thing is floating away. Alicia tries to make a call on a water logged phone.

B: His leg is broken and their fucking bungalow gets swept out to sea. This was a sad movie about a woman on vacation but now it's a disaster movie! And it turns into a shark movie! Hey you know that Motley Crue movie the girl at Sam Goody was talking about? It's on Netflix. We should watch it for Munchflix.

M: *stares* So anyway, bad decision three...they see themselves floating away and DON'T swim back to shore.

B: I don't know if I would, the water is very stormy.

M: And badly cgen'd. I would consider swimming if my other option is drifting out to sea??? Where I would die slowly and horribly??? I'd risk drowning.

B: A bad situation in general. Kind of not excellent for our dudes.

M: Alicia is hanging out the window of the bungalow and the cgi is so bad, this movie came out this year. Kyle throws her under the haus so she doesn't hit the big obvious rock and the ocean is suddenly remarkably calm. Hurricane over.

B: Kyle is in the remnants of the villa. His leg is REAL fucked up.

M: What are we gonna do? Make BAD decisions. Number four - we're gonna wait it out.

B: Again, you don't have a lot of options.

M: He's not even bleeding that much.

B: They put a tourniquet around it. Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, I'm just a drunk guy on the internet, but I feel like should not do that. You apply pressure to stop bleeding. If you're like at risk of bleeding out then a tourniquet will probably work, but he’s not bleeding that much. Again...I'm not Bear Grylls....but do you want gangrene? That's how you get gangrene.

M: That's just basic first aid tho. This does not require a doctorate. Don't tourniquet shit unless you absolutely have to. So that's number five. Now oh look...they're not land locked!

B: They're in the wreckage of a villa in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

They be in situations.

M: “We couldn't have drifted that far.” In a hurricane, Kyle?!? Alicia is gonna scream and cry some more. She's kind of mad that she didn't swim for help.

B: What's important right now is that we are fucking dying. Kyle tries to stand on his broken ass leg.

M: Number six. There's gonna be a lot more here real quick, these people never watched Man vs Wild.

B: Someone watched I Shouldn't be Alive and went - what if that but with bad acting?

M: Also they rip off the Shallows a lot. And that movie sucks too. We actually thought about doing it for Munchflix.

B: It's a similar kind of nonsense. Who was that even made for?

M: People who like Blake Lively?

B: Ryan Reynolds exclusively.

M: Alicia goes snorkeling without a snorkel to get some water bottles that have magically stayed under the villa this entire time. And a backpack. And some dramatic musical stings. And a school of what look like fucking piranha. Who knows if they're even native, it's stock footage. Kyle actually says - Honey, what's wrong?

B: She literally says - I got scared by fish. ( Insert repeated attempts at a failed ‘me every time I go to...’ joke here. ) Kyle is trying to be the optimist, but optimism is really all they have. Little gallows humor here. Kyle is bleeding a lot into the water despite the fact that his wound seemed to have stopped bleeding. Wounds don't bleed forever, unless you're a haemophiliac, in which case he would be dead.

M: As far as I can tell, they're implying a compound fracture in his leg anyway because it's open through the skin. He would be having FAR bigger problems from that already anyway.

B: Oh by the way it's hot. Hot enough to burn the inside of Kyle's thigh. He is hot. Fun fact, heat is very dangerous. Especially if you're stranded in the middle of the ocean with no water.

M: So what do these idiots do? They take a nap in it. These two white people would be burned to SHIT. Alicia tries to signal a plane but there's no way in hell they'd see them.

B: If that's a commercial airliner it can't just swoop down and pick up some randos anyway. Could maybe send for help, but it can’t just stop and grab you like it’s a fucking bus.

M: Bad decision six? Seven? They decide to build a fucking FIRE in the villa, their only source of shelter, using a water bottle as a magnifying glass with wet wood and wet paper. Alicia is screaming again.

30 ways to set your only shelter on fire for $2 or less!

B: They look very sweaty. Fun fact, you can die of dehydration in a couple hours!

M: Doctor Biscuits in the house. Fire failed but it's fine because they're still lost at sea. And still laying in the sun. Like a couple of morons. They could like...move, or try to rig a shade structure.

B: Alicia is collecting moisture from a tarp. There's like zero indication of how much time has passed ever in this movie, but I guarantee these two motherfuckers are dead already of heat stroke. People have survived some really extreme situations in real life but people have also DIED in really extreme situations.

M: She screams at a distant boat and then decides to start a fire again. Her constant whimpering and moaning are just insane. Montage of her yelling while Kyle starts a fire in the fucking villa.

B: There's smoke. Congratulations, you set the villa on fire. When will you learn that your actions have consequences?

M: Not anytime soon! The entire villa goes up in flames. She tries to put it out by hitting it with a backpack.

B: She went to the Malin Ackermann school of firefighting. Now they have NO shelter. And Kyle is still bleeding somehow into the water. Is he, you know....(ominous music)

M: So now our idiots are floating on pieces of debris in the open ocean. Just like the end of titanic except that it's just like a twig. Now for another fake out jumpscare. There's dolphins. OH MY GOD DOLPHINS. Okay but you should legit be afraid of dolphins, they are vile.

B: I mean a dolphin might try to molest you but it probably won’t kill you.

M: *dies laughing* Alicia, adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean says - " We have to get out of the water!"

B: You'd better swim like there's...fuck, what’s something white people like? You better swim like there’s Blake Shelton at the other end of the pool!

M: How many times has Kyle's leg like actively made a cracking noise. Alicia is like utterly freaking, she is whimpering constantly.

B: I like how Kyle is the calm one. He's just chill. A dolphin! He jumps. Beautiful creatures of nature. Also that was a bottlenose dolphin and in the next shot those are not. Different dolphins. These fools can't tell the difference between species of dolphins.

M: So they paddled to a bigger piece of wood. Kyle's leg would be like...swollen and infected and like...gangrenous by now. Unless it's only been like an hour. We have no idea.

B: This is all my fault, woman continues to blame herself. Is this character development?

M: Is now really the time for this talk, Kyle?

B: All in all he seems like a nice man.

M: She is really awful though. Oh Kyle is coughing, he got pneumonia. Alicia assures him they're not gonna die. You remember when I saw you with that Pitbull? Why is it capitalized?

B: She didn't have a dog, she had Pitbull, the man. And she was like - well I could be dating literally anyone other than Pitbull so yeah, I'll go out with you. So yeah, white people dying at sea ‘like rock stars’. That's not how rock stars die. They die of a cocaine overdose or they get arrested or something. You're gonna have to eat Kyle and drink his blood for hydration.

M: You really are spicy.

B: The first time I watched this I was rooting for her to eat him the whole time! Spoiler alert! She doesn't eat him! This movie has such a low budget I feel like filming this was as dangerous in real life as it is in the movie. Kyle is still bleeding, he would be dead by now.

M: Oh yeah there's a shark now, and somehow it split the piece of wood they were on. Alicia yells FUCK YOU at shark, which would be a rock star death. She's stabbing it with a random piece of wood. That was a great white stock footage shark.

‘Thrashing in a sea of blood’ may sound like some sick heavy metal lyrics, but it’s actually way lamer than that.

B: Where is my husband? Based on the amount of blood, he's dead. Oh no he's alive, but the shark is biting his legs off. Kyle is like - I am dying RIGHT NOW you're gonna have to leave.

M: Because splashing a lot with a shark nearby and blood in the water is good idea number seven.

B: Just push Kyle's body off the raft at this point. He's fucking dead. I guess the shark is just gone? Now it's nighttime so at least one day has passed but it feels like more than that.

M: It would help if they gave us some clue. Kyle is still somehow on the "raft" but he's fucking dead. They found a key or something of land. Or she did. Kyle's dead. She's gonna cry and whimper again.

B: The shark bit both his legs off! He is DECEASED. I understand you're upset but my man is dead. They show his leg stumps while she cries.

M: Oh god now more flashbacks to her losing her baby for....some reason???? What is the point of that?? Woman vocalizes. Solemn music. Let your aaaaaaarms enfold uuuuuuuus. Now she's gonna have a dream sequence?

B: She hallucinates him walking toward her. I don't know what purpose this serves. He tells her to live. And then very creepily says - do you remember the feeling of the baby inside you? Simba, remember who you are.

M: Alicia wakes up in the sand.

B: I hate sand. It's coarse, rough, irritating. Gets everywhere.

M: Also still in the middle of the ocean. ( B: The ocean, Bob? You don’t know anybody in the ocean! ) Now it's raining. This bitch can't catch a break. She sadly watches the shark devour Kyle's remains. No, really. Oh shit the water is rising REALLY FAST.

B: Coral.png.

Those are some glossy saucy jpegs!

M: She's just gonna walk around in the coral with the sharks and get all cut up on some sharp coral jpegs and the shark comes up on land like sharks do and bites her fucking leg repeatedly but she's gonna grab a piece of coral and stab it.

B: The special effects look... really good. Also even though it looked like the shark was chewing her leg off, she's just got a wound there. She wraps her shirt around it and goes for a walk. Takes three steps and faceplants in the sand. The most relatable thing her character has done so far.

M: She would also be a much more serious situation considering how dehydrated and tired and hungry she is at this point. Somehow she can walk on that leg. The movie makes it look like she's crossing the fucking Sahara even though it's a sandbar.

B: How big can this key possibly be?

M: Wait, she found rocks. I thought she was on a sandbar?

B: Well they didn't have any establishing shot of the island so she could be on the goddamn moon for all we know. Also she's really good at climbing despite severe leg injury. She finds a local fisherman passed out in his boat.

M: She swimmy out to him and is like BITCH HELP. But he drunk. And asleep.

B: He's vibing. She tries to steal his water and realizes it is not water. He's like wtf with this white woman.

M: They have obvious “I don't understand what you're saying” conversation. But he can see that she is bleeding and he decides that he's gotta look at her wound.

B: He's gonna sew up her leg. Like just paddle your fucking boat back to land! It can't be that far! She was doing okay for the 12 hours or so she was fucking passed out for!

M: Bad decision number 12 or whatever, stitching up without clean instruments or fucking proper antiseptic. She don't like having booze poured on it but he's gonna have some too so it's fine. This goes on for too long for no reason. He doesn't even properly stitch it up, he puts in like one stitch.

B: Maybe they just abbreviated the scene unlike every other scene. And we think maybe the movie is coming to a close, ,aybe he'll take her back to town - but first he's gotta get his crab cage.

M: Woman's dying in my boat but whatever.

B: Fucking tourists. The sharks are near! Like she can telepathically sense the sharks. He's a fisherman, wouldn't he know there's sharks around here??

M: His severed arm floats up and she's screaming again but she's trying to pull up the anchor but OH NO IT'S A SHARK. The shark grabs him and he grabs her and pulls her in the water.

A very serious film dealing with the heavy subjects of grief and loss.

B: Now they're both in the water so that's a bigger problem. She's like nah man, fuck you, you're on you're own. She does try to haul him up into the boat but the shark is back and it has grown SIGNIFICANTLY.

M: The shark that took limbs off other people just kind of nibbled her. She gets the anchor up after some serious whimpering. She's amazingly strong all things considered.

B: The fisherman had a propeller tho so she's gonna use it to fucking fight the shark. She's gonna chainsaw the shark with this propeller. Shark takes it like a champ tho.

M: NOT TODAY, SHARK. Oh also she can't see land anywhere else so where the hell is she gonna go. The shark is coming BACK for some reason, but the propeller is out of juice and the cgen is oh....man....

B: *chefs kiss*

M: Oh man...an even LARGER cgen shark jumps out of the water and flips over the boat and Alicia is still whimpering, but the anchor has dropped again and this shit is getting The Shallows all over. She's tied up in the ropes tho.

B: It bites the anchor tho, and into the brain and DEATH.

M: Because that would happen. So now she's alive and the shark is dead and she's gonna climb onto the overturned boat thing and LIIIIIIVE. But not without whimpering ever more.

B: She's finally safe from Shia LeBouf.

M: Turns out there's land like....10 feet away.

B: The people are like hey it's whatsisass's boat but he's dead so she lives I guess.

M: And now some amazing Hayley Westenra style music again and Alicia floats slowly to safety and the movie is over.

B: *moans loudly making up his own lyrics* WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND HNNNGGGGG

M: Stunts? There were stunts?

B: Water safety.

M: Shoutouts to the...covid officers??

B: I guess for covid safety rules?

M&B: THE PRODUCERS WISH TO THANK FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY!

M: Oh god closing thoughts. Uh....I mean we review bad movies but this one really isn't worth your time. You saw the gifs. That's as good as it gets. Ever. The acting is bad, the cgen is bad, the plot is bad, and confusing, the people are dumb, and the point is lost.

B: This movie is kind of fascinatingly bad. I mean, like, it was kinda entertaining, but it's not good. The acting is pretty terrible and you don't actually care about any of the characters. But it's sorta got that 'watching a train wreck' vibe about it, you just can't look away.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.