mxserendipity

[mxserendipity]

you are someone ive loved but never known,

left somewhere in the depths of my bones.

maybe you left me to die,

or maybe I wasnt in your favor.

you are someone ive known but never loved,

brothers in arms and fists of blood.

in my dreams, you are gone forever.

in my memories, you are forever.

the parts of me long, wanting to be known.

by the same mind that controlled them.

the parts of me remember, wanting to be loved.

by the same claws that killed them.

but i see you, waiting,

in passers by, in streetlights,

i am not your perfect dog.

i was never your daughter.

[mxserendipity]

— soulinkpoetry

[mxserendipity]

they won't see me on the cover of a magazine,

or read my name between the paragraphs of history books.

people like me don't get that luxury.

the trodden, the poor, the queer,

those like us.

non-white, disabled, immigrants,

even less.

they'll see me in the corner store, or walking down the street,

reading scribbled words from a page i can hardly understand.

but they don't see me.

my eyes are wide and blue, yet theirs are angry and dark, sharpened from all the years of hatred.

they see me as a threat, my very existence, a paradigm of manipulation and false democracy. i should not be allowed near their children, their homes, their stores- for the simple act of living freely should be punished.

i see them as sad.

i fear for what they could do to me, what they'd like to, and what they plan to.

but they are sad. sad for hating the existence of their neighbors, sad for rejecting the differences that make us so wonderfully human.

what are we, if not made from the same stardust?

[mxserendipity]

there is no way for me to string these words

into something soft like morning jaybirds.

i won't pretend, i don't dare deny,

but to say im not angry is a damn great lie.

im screaming, im begging, im praying for change,

to a heavenly father who can't remember my name.

but for those like me who voted so different,

your worst sin is betraying yourself for your ignorance.

and him, with meaningless words and broken promises,

drunkards rallies and lying accomplices,

it is you who i am most disgusted they applaud,

because you're closer to a jail cell

then you'll ever be to god.

[mxserendipity]

my throat is sore from screaming

to a god,

who was never listening.

left somewhere far behind my eyes,

my imagination,

who was never truly there.

[mxserendipity]

My body has grown, but my child has not,

Stuck in the belly of one too old.

My body has grown, but my child has not,

Stuck in my heart, despite what it's told.

maybe it should have wanted less,

given up the half empty glass,

and thought it to be half full.

if only it had needed less,

forgetting the heat,

of the backburner it had pulled.

My body has grown, but my child has not,

And she cannot seem to age.

My body has grown, but my child has not,

And I'm not sure she can change.

[mxserendipity]

i question a class given by a stranger,

as a stranger, with a stranger, one ever so familiar

i wonder who he was, what she said and how they cared,

how i came out, will i come out, when i come out

i question a sex given by a god,

as a God, with a god, one ever so impious

i see as she was born, as she grew and how she felt,

how she'll thrive, if she'll thrive, when he thrives

i question a world given by a mother,

from a mother, with a mother, one ever so distant

i witness her pain, her destruction and her ignorance,

will she die, if she'll die, can she die?

i accept the life given by a friend,

as a friend, with a friend, one ever so remembered

i grasp onto their comfort, their laughter and their forgiveness

he will live, when he lives, how ill live.

[mxserendipity]

when will it matter?

when it's your mother, your sister, your daughter?

when will it matter?

will you always turn a blind eye, for that's what you taught her?

the tale of a handmaid.

[mxserendipity]

in a body, a body that isn't mine

teeming with illness and sorrow and flies

in a body, a body too feminine

stuck in its form as I pump it with medicine

in a body, a body too big

wishing for a mold synonymous with a twig

but im stuck in this body, this body I'm assigned

and ill change it, ill change it until its mine

[mxserendipity]

The last time I laid here,

I was a soldier with bloody knees,

My sword cracked and broken,

my shield destroyed and lost.

The time before that, I was still just a babe,

with wide eyes and tiny hands,

with bluish fingers,

lost mothers,

forgotten fathers.

I've been here countless times,

casualties unknown.

ive lived and ive died here,

with my fogged breath,

goosebumped skin,

scraped knees,

cyanosis.

I remember them all,

each parent and child,

each misremembered comrade.

lost to the blanket of time.

My chest feels heavy, wheezing and weak

Again, my time has come

I'll be reborn at the next light, small and screaming,

but I'll never forget who i am.

The grass tickles my skin,

Reaching out, curling inward.

I can still see the stars,

I don't fear the night.

[mxserendipity]

If these walls could talk,

they would have screamed.

at you, for me, begging for anyone to see

the words I couldn't speak.

they would have wailed and creaked and moaned,

and fought for me to keep my innocence.

they never would have let it happened,

again, and again,

and again.

and afterwards,

they would have set fire to that room,

burning every remnant of your skin.

they would hold me, and tell me,

that i never had to worry again.

and then i would wonder,

why would they have to save me,

when it was your job

to keep me

safe.

[mxserendipity]

even as i die,

rigor mortis

will clench

these bones

that ive sworn

to protect.

because my mother

did not teach her son

to give up

without raising

a little bit

of hell.

[mxserendipity]

my mother stayed silent,

so she could live past five.

and my sister stayed defiant,

so she could keep herself alive.

now i scream twice as loud,

towards people and equals and divine,

because these women taught me to be proud,

and this rage isn't just mine.

[mxserendipity]

Vintage liquor in corroded boxes,

with dusty bellies and fermented toxins.

Fine-aged wine and whisky and brandy,

Flowing off your tongue as if it was candy.

I take a sip to feel how it burns,

Thick like oil and petroleum.

But as I sit I finally learn,

Perhaps I should have stuck with opium.

You'd call it Liquid Gold if I asked to see,

With booze-heavy breath and rotted teeth.

But as I drink and sip and chug,

I understand how alcohol was your drug.

Through drunken hazes and eyelid-heavy gazes,

I wobble out the front door, past forgotten faces.

I've become just like you, my father so dear,

and I remember a time when that was my greatest fear.

But as I hobble along the fog-ridden street,

I cannot help but feel you might want a drink.

So down goes the spirit, made from golden grain,

I pour it, I pour it over your grave.

Liquid Gold.

[mxserendipity]

so if he is my witness then god forbid i sin,

because nobody knows wrongdoing like my very own kin.

[mxserendipity]

Bilal Al-Shams, Sacrifice

[mxserendipity]

"Sit still,

Breathe in whispers"

Anxiety mills

As we're all quiet listeners

I shake my leg to keep it awake

In case I have to run

My fingers shake and creak and quake

As I wait for the taking of the gun

But my sisters mumbling distractions,

Of children's games long past

Can only delay the reactions,

As our fate is forecast.

Strangers I've never known nor loved,

Hold my hand like it's their last

They treat me like a friend beloved,

And I never even had to ask

Backpacks abandoned and friends split up,

A mutual understanding of fear

Something so horribly and gutwrenchingly human,

That we hold those we barely know so dear.