my-verklempt-mindspace

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

No date. No context.

Since this is pretty much my digital journal at this point, here’s a random poem I wrote the other day but didn’t put here,

“That place, that time”

Sometimes I think about how

The same tours must be going on as I write this

Tourists must be vacationing still

Restaurants would be crowded even now

The buses and Ubers must still be driven by the same set of drivers

The hotels would have the same employees as earlier

The locals would still be living a similar life,

What changed was my brief period of living that life

My reality has changed, but theirs hasn't

And this way, so many of us intersect with so many parts of the universe in so many little ways

And leave our imprint some way or the other

The mighty universe comprises of all of these interactions and intersections all intertwined in a lot of ways, forming a web

That's why they say "it's a small world",

We might collide with the same set of drivers, hotel owners or tour guides at some point, but wouldn't realise

What remains is a void for not being able to experience "the other world",

Hence the constant fear of missing out akin to the "fear of oblivion" after death.

Deterministic philosophy makes me ponder if we are where we are for a predetermined reason, and how might the order of existence would've changed, had I not been at that place, that time?

That’s it for today.

With love,

Until next time

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

1 January 2025

Wednesday

Wow. It’s 2025. Back when I was a child, I used to picture what 2025 would look like and all that occurred to me was flying cars and robots and time machines. (That’s not very different from the reality lol.)

But anyway, it’s for sure an important year. This year is going to be very relevant for me and my family, for multiple reasons. Before I delve into my 2025 vision board curation and new year resolutions, I want to pause and reflect. Reflect about 2024 and what this year brought to us and meant to me.

2024 was a rollercoaster of emotions, quite literally. I lost some very important people, and it’s not at all easy, constantly being satiated from delving on their memories. Let’s just leave it at that because there’s nothing more, nothing less to say in it.

At the same time, the realisation of time ticking and us growing up way too fast and the fact that I’ll be leaving home in a year, has also been hitting and taking a toll. But this is a reality that I, like most other people, have to face and come to terms with.

I grew closer to my family this year. I’m eternally grateful for the fact that I have them by my side to experience life and all of its highs and lows.

I also travelled this year. 5 countries. Damn. There’s nothing that makes you learn as much as exploring and the memories stay with you for life. I’ve truly gained so many insights from my travels.

I also attended 3 concerts. A different experience again.

I lost friends and made new ones. I found very important friends in college, who I know would stay by my side always, in some capacity or the other.

I grew professionally and academically. Imposter syndrome is a regular visitor and the feeling of not doing enough is always lurking. But I’ve come to realise that my journey is unique and I don’t need to compare it with anyone else’s, because everyone has different aspirations and goals, so naturally the trajectory to reach that end goal would differ as well.

I’ve matured. Emotionally. Sometimes, I think about stuff the younger me used to spend sleepless nights worrying about, and how today, while it’s not like everything is fixed, but what matters is the fact that I’ve come to be at peace with things being imperfect. I’ve come to value experiences of all sorts, and viewing things not as events in singularity, but appreciating the bigger picture of things, which would enable me to be truly happy in the long term.

This year was a year of many firsts. My first snowfall experience. My sister’s convocation! My first true leadership position in college. My first heartbreak. My first trip with college friends. My first proper concert. And so on and so forth. Overall, it’s been an eventful year. I can truly say that I’ve experienced life this year.

This year humbled me and brought me clarity and also led me to ask a lot of questions, the answers to which I can’t say I’ve found yet.

Regardless of how 2024 was for you, I’d just like to say- honestly, all of life is a play. A play of time. The cycle will go on, and keep repeating itself in different patterns. At each point of time, endless hearts are being broken, and endless others are getting married, endless people are dying, endless people are being born. Endless people are getting sacked while others receive acceptance mails. Such is the nature of time. At each point of time, some will have time by their side, others will be on the other side. So even if you have been having a rough time, remember that better times lie ahead.

Here’s to hoping time is on our side in 2025! 🧿🪬

Cheers and Happy New Year.

Until very soon,

Mahika

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

22 December, 2024

Sunday

Christmas is around the corner, cafés are decked up, the atmosphere is for sure cheerful, there is a freshness in the cold air and yet, my mental health feels a bit rotten. Somehow, this always ends up happening on occasions like birthdays, festivals, etc. It’s like everyone is so happy that the happiness starts feeling forced and oppressive. Not sure if I’m making sense lol.

Most days are undeniably good, some feel heavy for no apparent reason at all. Life just chooses to hit you on those days. Guess this is one of those days.

Here’s a poem or rather, a free flow of thoughts, to acknowledge these emotions (coz why not)

“The Girl on the Sidewalk”

Isn’t it strange

How she feels the loneliest when she’s surrounded by people,

Yet not half as much when she’s alone?

Guess she’s just used to being her now;

The girl on the sidewalk,

The one nobody waits for

When she bows down to tie her laces.

The girl who always stands awkwardly on the corners in group photographs,

The girl who is used to being the one without the seat

The girl who nods and smiles to everything

The girl who hesitates because she might come off as “too much”.

She never felt truly heard as a child

Or seen, or acknowledged

There was always this invisible barrier between her and the world

Making her feel like she exists on the margins

That has her her to become reticent,

It’s just an ironic self-fulfilling prophecy at this point;

Even when she is objectively a person of importance in a gathering,

Her thoughts take over and gaslight her into thinking she’s the girl on the sidewalk.

“I always feel like I'm nobody, mm

Who wants to fit in anyway?”

The song “I don’t care” hits way too close to her heart

But it doesn’t have to stay this way

There are some people who make her feel seen and heard

Who acknowledge her presence

And make everything better

With such people, she no longer feels like the girl on the sidewalk.

But her thoughts often get in the way and wreck it,

It doesn’t bother her that much anymore

After all, why do we have to be the main character all the time anyway?

And what’s so wrong with being the girl on the sidewalk

The girl who cares, the girl who shows up, the girl who listens

And so today, I will gladly embrace this and refer to myself as,

The girl on the sidewalk.

That’s it for today! Sending lots of warmth and good wishes, especially to all those who aren’t feeling so festive/cheerful at this time, it’s okay to feel this way and take it slow. Please take care!

Until next time,

Mahika

Here’s a song that feels like a warm hug on cold winter mornings to make you feel better. <3

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 10? 11? 8249??

17 November 2024

Sunday

I don’t even know what day it is, it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s been ages since I opened this app because apparently more important apps like LinkedIn and Instagram took Tumblr’s place.

A little bit of context:

When I last wrote, I was unsure of what I want to do in life. Fast forward to now, I secured admission into the top college for my desired course, and a lot has happened since then, at both the personal and professional front. It’s sad to see how simple things lose their charm once the more popular things enter in. Once I entered college, imposter syndrome kicked in, and LinkedIn was the norm. I mean, you’ve got to be writing on LinkedIn if you want to be seen!

And so, I started writing a bit there instead.

But I realised that that was not my cup of tea. I don’t want my writing to be dictated by my sense of worth and productivity in life. I don’t want to portray myself as a successful, sorted person in life who’s achieved everything she wanted to, because I’m not that person. And so today, I free myself of the need to do, and am content with my state of being.

I lately started writing once again more often, not on LinkedIn this time, but Instagram, documenting my thoughts, emotions, vulnerabilities, etc. and I realised how much I enjoy it. This app and blog have been on my mind since then, and to top it off, a few days ago, a few friends asked me why I stopped writing and someone else advised me to continue writing. Even then, I did procrastinate taking this step because,

“Who would read my blog on Tumblr” is what I thought, and it’s probably right, but at this point, I don’t care. I’m doing this for myself.

This is my digital archive, my personal diary, and I will write here for myself, whenever I feel like. Regardless of whether anyone reads it or not, I know for a fact that few years down the line, when I open this app and go through these blogs, I’ll have something to look back to. I’ll have something that would make me feel bittersweet & emotional, seeing the person I’ve evolved into, and would make me feel proud of my journey, the journey of that anxious 16 year year old Mahika who started this endeavour as a cathartic outlet, to the 20 year old Mahika, who’s grown so much from then, and onwards and upwards.

P.s. You will see no use of Chat GPT here. I don’t care if I make a few grammatical errors here and there or if I sound way too simple in my words, but using AI to express myself and my thoughts would mean stooping too low.

A LOT has happened since I last wrote lol, but I can’t wait to put it all here and make sense of it all with whoever is willing to read along. <3

For today, I will not write anything specific or go into the details. I’m excited for this new journey, and so ready for what the future holds. 🤍

Until very soon.

With love,

Mahika

(Here is a picture I clicked recently on a trip that makes me feel at peace.)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 9 July 18

Monday

Hello! Writing a blog after so long, considering the fact that the last 2 "blogs" weren't actually blogs, they were poems. Probably I finally feel like speaking. Talking. It's been long since I let out my emotions.

Life can be a struggle sometimes. We all go through a whirlpool of emotions and battle with our own selves each single day, and on top of that, since noone's aware of everything going on inside of us, it makes it even more difficult to battle with it all by ourselves, with noone by our side.

They say "Ignorance is bliss." And I couldn't have agreed more. Since the last few months, I had been blissfully livong in ignorance, not aware of a lot of stuff happening around me. I've been so wholeheartedly engulfed with examination anxiety that I hardly paid attention to anything else. And when everything finally hit me, it did like a truck; I realized how much I had been missing out on. You know, sometimes, we push ourselves so much, we're so harsh with ourselves that we let go of all the things that used to make us happy at a point. And when we finally achieve what we had been fighting for, we're left alone asking ourselves, "Was it all even worth it? All this struggle and sacrifice at the cost of what? Our health? Our relations? Our happiness?"

In the last few days, a lot of the scars, wounds and bruises that I had been repressing since so long came afresh. I was reminded of all my insecurities all at once and it'll take me time to make peace with them, or rather, make peace with the way I am.

And what makes it all worse is the realisation that you don't really have anyone, the reason for which is you, yourself. It's like, you push people from your life yourself, and then complain of losing out on friends and connections. It's a vicious cycle.

The purpose of sharing all this is not seeking sympathy in the slightest sense. I don't expect anything from anyone. The sole purpose is just putting across this message- that whatever it is that you're pursuing or chasing in your life is undoubtedly important, but it isn't worth you sacrificing all the things that made you happy. I feel like the modern day hustle culture reinforces the idea of us ruthlessly pushing ourselves towards our aims and goals, but we should ensure that we take care of our mental and physical health while we're on that journey. We deserve to be happy and we deserve to take a day off for how hard we've been working. This is something that's taken me long enough to realise.

Do what makes you happy. Spend time with your loved ones. Pursue your hobbies. Spend time in the nature. Read books. Do art. Dance. Eat your favourite food. Play games. Watch movies. Pamper yourself.

Do all that you want to do, you have just one life- don't spend all of it toiling because if you do so, you might become successful but in spite of all the wealth and luxury, you'll end up feeling poorer than the most impecunious person out there, lacking that sense of fulfillment and peace in life.

The motto of our lives should be "Work to live", not "Live to Work".

Really felt like I needed to put this across. Thanks if you stick by, and read till here!

Today's reminder: Create a balance between what you're required to do, and what your heart actually wants to do. Make time for things that make you happy because it's these little things in life that matter most.

With love

Mahika

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 8 June 29

Wednesday

Hello once again!

Since I'm not in the mood to say much, I'll express myself through a poem yet again. Take it as a mid-week reminder that whatever you're going through will get better, and what you're experiencing is a phase of your life, a phase that will pass just like all the others do. <3

So here it goes~

"Life is Beautiful"

I sigh

My head buzzing with thoughts, on the bed I lie

And I start to think

Deeper and deeper into my thoughts I sink

I think about the life we're living

Except the fact that we aren't actually "living"

"Life"~ they say it's beautiful

But I find that doubtful

It's vexing

Frightening

Exhausting

Why does it feel like a lost war

All this pain was surely unasked for

They say, "there are ups and downs"

Why then am I surrounded by fake smiles hiding frowns

There is a significant amount of distress

Life, it's been a mess

Every single day, one needs to fight

With all their might

Happiness in today's times is a privilege

But as we know, privileges are often abridged

I feel anxious

Nervous

Ah, I'm guilty

Of not doing things as I should be

I'm confused

Sometimes, I even feel used

I try to do my best

But at this point, my body needs rest

Life; it's unfair

Contentment in today's times is something rare

I feel burdened with people's expectations

My shoulders can't bear the weight of all the anticipation

I know it can be overpowering

Yet

Here's something we must never forget

Life is a gift, as one says

I guess it's just been a rough phase

I know you've been feeling blue

But here's a reminder for you

You're doing great,

Have patience my love, just wait  

I know it feels like there's no light ahead

But as a wise person once said

"This too, shall pass."

No matter how much you've gone through

The pain and the trauma will subdue

And the saying will become true.

So have faith in life, which is bountiful

After all as someone rightfully said, "Life is beautiful" :)

Nothing great, but I just felt like I needed to say this.

Until next time!

With love

Mahika

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 7 June 21

Tuesday

On the occasion of World Music Day, here is my heartfelt note about the love of my life, my life saver, my ride or die, that is- music. <3

You're sad, go calm yourself by listening to music, You want to feel motivated? Go feel pumped up by listening to music. You're happy and want to party, duh, blast the music!

Music is something that finds its place in our lives, no matter the situation we're in, no matter the current mood we're experiencing.

Most of the people have found respite in music as it helps them escape from the humdrum routine and worries of our lives.

No one can deny the fact that music has the potential of stimulating all kinds of emotions in us, whether it's joy, sorrow, love, nostalgia or even pain. But something that most of the people don't realise is, that music has the potential of making us numb and immune to feeling the same emotions as well. 

For a 'normal' person, the idea of making yourself go numb, or immune to feeling anything might sound weird and unappealing. 

But when you're emotionally an overwhelmed person, too burdened by the weight of your thoughts, wholeheartedly engulfed by your emotions, and possessed by your demons, and when you constantly need a distraction in your life, a distraction from everything that's going on in life, music can be a life saver. It'll make you go numb. It makes you immune to feeling the emotions, it makes you forget that there's a life outside of those beautiful music videos and near perfect lyrics. When this happens, you start feeling the emotion being manifested by the piece of music you're listening to. You start feeling the vibe of the music and you're immersed by the emotion being portrayed in the song. Hence, you forget what you truly are feeling, you forget what your emotion was, and start feeling the way the music wants you to feel. There have been times when I've listened to romantic songs, and they were so idyllic, that I myself felt like I had found love. Or when I'm dancing on party songs, I forget what I'm actually going through, and it makes me feel exhilarated, rather, euphoric.

(made this exactly one year ago-)

That's not to say that music always makes one feel better. Sometimes, music can trigger you, for instance, if you're feeling dejected and you listen to sad songs, it might make you even more miserable. But that depends upon us, and upon the genre of music we prefer to listen to, at times of sorrow, that'll decide how we feel and for for same reason, I feel that a person's music taste really tells a lot about them, which is why it is said that a person's playlist is deeply personal to them.

The thought of having to live a life without music scares me, and shakes me to the core because I have no idea how I'd able to deal with the whirlpool of emotions that go inside me, had it not been for music.

Music, is simply a healer.

It's therapeutic. It's cathartic.

It's like the aroma of the petrichor for a pluviophile; it penetrates through your soul, it ends up making you feel wholesome and makes life complete.

With love,

A forever musicophile :)

(Here is my spotify profile. ps- I add songs to favourites without adding them in playlists, which is why these have comparatively less songs, and the list of my liked songs is longer)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 6 June 11

Saturday

Hello again! This time, I have something different. I know this is meant to be a blog, and I've always been into writing longer pieces of writing.

But i tried writing a poem for the first time! Here it goes-

"Her eyes"

I look into her eyes

They sparkle the light of a million stars

They carry the brilliant universe

They shine with childlike happiness at little things

They feel at peace when she sings

They get moist just at the thought of losing someone

It seems they're saying "You need to escape. Run!"

Sometimes, they twinkle at the thought of love

A truly sublime emotion, symbolised by the dove

It's as if they're trying to tell something to someone

But there's no one to listen

They have questions, they seem perplexed

When they're unanswered, she feels vexed

They show objection

Objection for which there is no justification

They show fury, they show rage

The one which no one can assuage

There's no one to see the tears

There's nobody to sense her fears

There's no one to feel the agony

If only people could just let her be

The teardrops which were hitherto in her eyes are now falling

Making a trail, rolling

Down her cheeks

Just a little bit of consolation she seeks

Oh my, they are helpless; they are in despair

If only someone was truly there

Or maybe she's just paranoid

They're sinking...deeper and deeper into a void..

At this point, she wants to scream and let it out

She knows there's no way out

She sighs

If only people knew how to read the eyes.

(made this recently-)

That's all for this time!

With love

Mahika

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 5 May 7, 2022

Saturday

Hello everyone! Hope you're keeping well and taking good care of yourselves.

Today I'm going to share my views on how art brings out our innermost emotions- how art brings out life in us.

Whenever we read a book that reflects our own unfulfilled/unexpressed desires (or even desires that have been repressed into the unconscious) or watch a movie where we relate to the main character or listen to a song where we find the lyrics relatable, we feel so wholesome; it's a surreal feeling, isn't it? Ever wondered why?

We human beings are born with a lot of talent, a lot of potential & aspirations inside of us. I firmly believe we're all born with the need to self-actualize, to become the best possible version of ourselves- where our real self and our ideal self converge; where we're exactly the way we wish to be. But we aren't always able to achieve the goals we set for ourselves and we aren't always given a positive feedback about the desires we carry inside ourselves. As a result, we tend to dismiss those aspects of our personality because being aware of them makes us feel at conflict with ourselves since it reminds us of what we could've done but didn't/couldn't. Or it might happen that we don't get the creative outlet to channel those emotions, and it might even happen that we aren't even aware of them; they lie in the unconscious.

For instance- a lot of people who aren't heterosexual, and identify themselves with a different sexual orientation sometimes try to dismiss the reality in spite of being aware of it because they aren't provided the safe space to let out what they feel, which is so sad. And so when they see a TV series/watch a movie/read a book where the main character is portrayed as identifying with a different sexual orientation, they feel safe. Rather, they feel heard. It's like, they literally picture themselves in the character's place.

Basically, we constantly strive to get approval for what we feel, and for what we carry inside our heart. Now when we see our own innermost desires or emotions being manifested in a piece of art or in any aspect of our surroundings, we feel like we're being understood. Because someone else feels the same way we do, and they're expressing it, they're putting it out which is something we couldn't do. As a result, when we come across such works of art, or such creations, some inner chord of our personality gets struck; it's like the reunion of 2 long-lost souls, who're so into each other that they're oblivious to whatever's going on in the world. In a lot of cases, these artforms are therapeutic even. I myself believe a lot of in art therapy and music therapy, and researches have established how they help in providing comfort, and improve our mental well-being. The respite I get while stroking those paintbrushes dripping with paint on the paper, while vibing to the beats of my favourite music, while grooving & dancing to my favourite song, it's magical, really. And for that matter, even while journalling and putting out my thoughts and emotions. (Yes, exactly what I'm doing right now xD )

Now just imagine if a piece of art can make us feel this way, how its creator will. Or in general, imagine when two people meet who share the same taste in poetry, music, films, and feel like they're being understood; 2 human beings looking at something from a similar perspective because of what they feel. In my opinion, it's simply beautiful.

And that's why I adore artistes. Of all kinds. I love singers & all sorts of instrumentalists and musicians; I love dancers, no matter the dance form they practice; I love artists and painters; I love comedians and actors and people who're in theatre. I love filmmakers. I love photographers. Because they are experiencing emotions at a level much deeper than many of us do, they feel things just like us, but they choose to channelise it creatively to express it in the form of art and thus end up winning the audience's hearts. I respect them because a lot of times, it might happen that they don't feel the creative energy to necessarily be able to channel their creativity in an integrated manner, but they still do it. Artistes stir up emotions inside us which I find myself incapable of expressing in words. And in a way, both- the artiste and the audience complete each other; the artiste feels a sense of accomplishment at receiving praise and acclaim for their creation and the audience feels heard and understood. It's a dreamlike connection.

I'll end with a quote,

"The world is a complicated place, and there's a lot of division between people. The performing arts tend to unify people in a way nothing else does."

That's it for today- thank you, and see you soon :)

With love,

a patron of the performing arts

(here are some songs really really close to my heart. They are just some of the many that make me feel a lot of emotions.. I have huge respect and admiration for these songs and the artistes. I can never thank these singers enough for giving me comfort and making me feel like I'm heard. 🤍)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 4 April 22, 2022

Friday

Today I'm not here to crib about this sometimes-miserable-yet-amazing life that I have. Neither am I going to rant about what's happening in the world. I'm going to put out what I feel about a natural element, a natural phenomenon a lot of us are fond of.

Fun fact about me: I refer to myself as an atheist. I don't believe in 'God' the way most people do. But I certainly believe in the power of mother nature, which I feel is the ultimate lifegiver, the ultimate saviour and the absolutely supreme divine energy that regulates life on the planet Earth. Many a times, we've incurred the wrath of mother nature in the form of natural disasters and calamities as a way of penalizing us for our greed and negligence towards the nature. On this note, a very happy Earth Day to everybody; I hope the human race realizes the consequences of its actions soon, & makes amends. Anyway, I'll talk about the mother nature sometime later.

Today I'll be sharing my feelings about a significant element of it, that is, rain. No wait, baarish. That word truly does justice to how it makes me feel.

A typical my type of a day- wake up, feeling bored, listless, not too active, and it's evening before I even realize it. Until, I start hearing the sound. Yeah, I'm talking about THE sound. The sound of raindrops coming into contact with the ground, the sound of thunderclouds rumbling, just waiting to shed their tears, dying to share their pain, their agony with the world.

I go out, the drops engulf each and every inch of my body. It's beautiful: watching them come down from the sky, and then their body grasping mine. It's as if the drops are coming from another universe, and the senders are conveying a message. A message of peace, of joy, and most importantly, hope. Regardless to say, I have formed a bond with them. A bond which can't be put into words.

It rains, and suddenly the scenery begins to transition..The unearthly lightning illuminates the sky and the spine-chilling rumbling of thunderclouds follows. The clouds which were hitherto filled with teardrops now have an outlet to share their emotions, living creatures like the flaura & the fauna have something worth looking forward to, and don't even get me started about the petrichor; how my heart craves for it. How I let it go inside each and every pore of my body, how I wish to desperately keep inhaling as much of that cold fresh air, trying to take as much of it inside my body as is is humanly possible. (& it's still never enough)

It's like, I'll be having the worst day, life will start seeming to look all dark, and I'll start feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But rain, this baarish, it brings with it hope. It's truly an elixir of life. It brings life to all the living beings, and I wouldn't be exaggerating if I say it makes my happy hormones go haywire. To be honest, I don't really like when people touch me, and I'm not amused with the idea of physical affection. But with baarish, the intimate bond and the physical connection all makes sense. Rain makes me feel a way no human being ever can make me feel. Rain for me, is the bond, the connection that I've been seeking my entire life. In a way, it's a symbiotic relationship; the clouds have been released of the pain they were holding inside them, and I get to experience that physical intimacy I had been longing for.

(here's a video of rain I once took; you can hear the soothing and nostalgic sound of the pitter patter of raindrops in the background)

When it doesn't rain for long, I desperately yearn for it to rain. Like a person madly & hopelessly in love, I patiently wait for the clouds to come and outpour their teardrops, for the fresh aroma to fill my lungs, and for the clear dewdrops to interwine their body with mine.  It's like 2 long-lost lovers getting reunited after centuries. Well, you can imagine what the reunion looks like.

Baarish is my refuge in this bleak world of darkness. It is my safe haven. It is home.

Baarish reminds me of the fact that no matter how much life may suck, no matter how dark it might be right now, there is always light and hope after. There is always something to look forward to, and there are better days ahead. It also reminds us that it's okay to want to cry, it's okay to want to let out your pain and angst, and also reinforces the fact that if we fill ourselves with unexpressed emotions, and don't share them, we'll have an outburst/breakdown one day. Hence, it's best to let them out of our systems when we experience them and not let them consume us.

❤

With love

~A forever pluviophile. A fanatic, of this divine element of nature.

(lastly, here's a song I used to listen to in my childhood that always reminds me of baarish, because back then I used to live close to the sea where rainfall was an everyday phenomenon <3)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 3 April 5, 2022

Tuesday

Hello again! (Yes I suck at being consistent)

Today, I'm here with a specific subject to share my views on.

You know, I often think about love. About what exactly it means to "be in love." I've received a variety of responses from people I know, and media has portrayed a lot of different versions of it- some films/books project it as a sublime fantasy few are lucky enough to experience, some describe it as the "butterflies in your stomach" and the "violins playing in the background", yet others confuse it with infatuation.

Well, according to me, love is~

Sharing your deepest and darkest secrets, sharing your traumas, knowing that your significant other is aware of the dark side within you; of the void that exists inside of you. You know it's love, when sharing silences isn't awkward but comfortable, when you know the two of you have a connection to the extent that you can flaunt your imperfections, when none assumes anything, and everything is communicated clearly, where there are no unrealistic expectations out of the other, only a sense of mutual understanding. Here I'm talking about love in all its forms and the one that exists in all kinds of relationships.

Well, honestly speaking, I can keep going on and on about "love." But let me rather talk about a significant part of it~

Vulnerability.

Ever wondered why we're able to easily express ourselves/share our emotions with strangers, but aren't able to do so in front of people closest to us?

In my opinion, we all suffer from our own set of complexes, insecurities, and traumas that we have a tendency to constantly remain under a mask. A mask that protects ourselves; a mask that makes us feel safe, immune to people's judgements and criticisms. Now when a human shares the things that make him/her feel "weak", he/she feels like they're no longer in control of the way they present themselves, because that mask and that facade of safety has been lowered.

As a result, being vulnerable is difficult. Rather, I'd say it's daunting. Being vulnerable in front of strangers is difficult, but you know what's even harder?

~Being vulnerable in front of people who know you. Because those people have a preconceived notion of you in their minds, they know you and as a result, your sharing a vulnerability with them changes the notion of "you" that they had in their mind. In my opinion, it altogether changes the way they look at you.

And fearing that apprehension, we feel intimidated sharing our innermost emotions with the people closest to us. It's like we want to retain the image of us that they have in their mind.

That is why, according to me, the biggest benchmark in love is to share your vulnerabilities. To share your innermost emotions; that would mean that you've reached the level of trust that it takes to be an unfiltered version of yourself; that you no longer have to put on a mask and that you can be unapologetically yourself in front of that person.

Sometimes, I feel, it takes one broken person to heal another broken person. Just imagine- if a person with a void in their heart meets another with a void in their heart, they form a symbiotic relationship where both of them are able to provide each other the warmth they couldn't get from anywhere else and where both of them are able to fill the void in the other's heart~ and this also happens by sharing vulnerabilities; by sharing their weaknesses, by sharing the trauma both of them have been through.

Here's to hoping everyone is able to find that one person in front of whom they can be unapologetically themselves, be it in the form of a friend, a partner, a family member or for that matter, even a stranger.

Until then, stay curious, laugh more, and take care! :)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 2 31st January, 2022

Monday

Covid. Infection. Variant. Risk. Quarantine. Death.

Just some of the many words we've all been reading, seeing and listening since about a couple of years now, to the extent that we've turned nonchalant towards them at this point. They don't really matter that much to us anymore, the daily cases and deaths are a mere number I'm not sure anyone even bothers to read anymore; basically we're all so "done with Covid."

That's how I felt too. Well, until it finally got hold of me; when I got infected too. Now obviously, this shouldn't seem like a huge thing, and it isn't, considering the fact that more than 50% of the world population has already contracted it atleast once uptil now.

Well, let's just say that I was not prepared for it mentally and it caused me more harm psychologically than it did, physically.

Let me go back a bit in time; at the end of December, I went to a trip and it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Making an impromptu plan and just going on a trip like that, savouring ice-cream at 0° C, trying zipline and paragliding for the first time, dancing with strangers on New Year's Eve, going on a trek to some of the most beautiful mountain peaks; the ones we only get to see in pictures and movies. I did it. It was so heartwarming, really.

Some truly special moments~

...and now fast forward to when I caught covid. Well, the fever lasted just a couple of days and after that I was up and running. But I was still under quarantine- and that, that was torture.

You know, it's weird; I'm the kind of person who prefers staying by herself, I don't like talking to a lot of people on call either, I stay happy by myself. But when that was imposed on me, when I was obliged to stay in my room, away from everyone else in spite of being so close to them; it was painful. I couldn't help but think about all those people who spent the last days of their life in quarantine; how traumatizing it must've been for them, not just physically, but psychologically..It's like having to spend your dying days in a prison without having committed any crime.

And well, everyone else got infected too and I couldn't help but feel guilty for it all.

Somehow that phase passed and I was back into my routine.

But January hasn't been easy. I've been going through a plethora of emotions. I've been so stressed about everything going around me, burdened with the impending doom of unfinished assignments and projects, suddenly being told I have this entrance exam a few months away I need to prepare for and simultaneously practice for boards, make sense of the fact that my school life is literally gonna end in 3 months and acknowledging the fact that I'll be turning an adult this year (I don't believe it either), realizing it's been another year in Covid and so on and so forth. Besides, the bittersweet realization that just a few days ago, I was living blissfully in ignorance, having the best time of my life; it makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time- laugh at my sheer ignorance and cry because I'm not sure when I'll feel the same way again.

It's not been easy and I know it's only gonna get worse with time. But I feel content in saying this- I value everything more now. I value the fact that I'm free to move about in my house and outside of my house and the fact that I have the freedom to go wherever I want to. I value my loved ones and I promise never to take their efforts or their presence for granted. I promise to never take this life for granted; after all it's the only one we've got. :)

I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing all of this, and I think that's why it was so necessary for me to share it; to let anyone reading this know that you're not alone going through whatever you are.

I can't assure that I'm gonna be regular but I'll try my best. Thank you for sticking by if you reached till here.

I'll end by citing my favourite quote-

"This too, shall pass."

With love,

mg

(p.s here's a song that i always listen to when I'm under stress; it always calms me down, hope it helps you)

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

Day 1 December 25, Saturday

How many times has it happened that you feel hurt, pained, overwhelmed and feel the need to let it out of your system by talking to someone but didn't really have anyone? I'm sure, many. It's weird, isn't it?~We come across so many people in our lives and a lot of them turn into acquaintances, a lot others close friends yet we don't really know who to confide in when feel the need to. Why is it so?

What I feel is that in a majority of the friendships in today's world, people are just presenting a superficial version of themselves; they might be talking everyday, hanging out, going on trips, making memories but they can't get themselves to share their innermost emotions. One of the reasons might be lack of trust. But surely people who're spending so much time together must have achieved that level of trust, isn't it? So I think the problem lies with the way people respond when we share our problems with them.

"Toxic positivity".

~Something very prevalent in our society might be one of the factors. We have a habit of giving unsolicited advice when others confide in us, or we try to quantify their pain- we try to compare its intensity with the one we ourselves might have felt, we belittle their pain and as a result, people are repulsed by the thought of having to share their emotions, even if they have to do it with someone they trust. Because trust is just not enough~ sometimes, all we need is for the other person to listen to us, without passing judgements, without offering advice, without sharing their own relatable story of a similar experience that they underwent, and without passing comments like "Just get over it" or "You're overreacting" or "Others have had it worse" and the likewise.

Hence, this Christmas, be a Santa to others around you by offering them a simple but a very significant gift- the gift of listening. Be a patient listener; try to empathize with what the other person's going through and you'll realize that as a consequence, you yourself will also never not have anyone to confide in when you are in that dark phase. Because now you've established the connection that was required and hence you'll feel comfortable sharing your dark side too.

Do this, be the light in someone else's life & your own- all you have to do is listen, I'm sure that's not asking too much. :)

On this note, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, praying that prayers everywhere get answered. <3

Love,

mg

[my-verklempt-mindspace]

why I decided to start this blog~

Life doesn't always makes sense. Very soon, it's gonna be 2 years; 2 years since this pandemic took over our lives and literally changed it in every possible way. Like many others, it took a toll on my mental health too. I'd say it's brought about a significant change in me; it's changed the way I perceive myself, and the way I perceive situations around me. Amidst all the emotional turmoil I was going through (p.s- I'm a very emotional person, which I think my username makes amply clear), I turned to writing whenever it felt like too much. An app called "Notes" that I had never bothered to open/use suddenly felt like a safe haven where I could just put down whatever's going on in my mind. As they say, paper (or in case, a mobile phone) is the best listener. It'll listen to you, without passing any judgement and without any interruptions. Somewhere between always turning to writing and channelizing my emotions creatively through the process, I started feeling the need to engage others; to engage others in the conversation. Because surely I can't be the only one feeling what I am, or going through the emotions that I do.

And so, here I am, trying to work my way through Tumblr and starting this "blog", if we might say so. I can't say I have the perfect English or an impeccable vocabulary, but then again, what matters is not if I write excellently but if I'm able to touch others with what I write. If reading what I write brings a smile on someone's face and makes them say "I thought I was the only one", then I'll feel I've achieved what I wanted to. I'm not just gonna express my own emotions, but also share my views on random topics that require our attention.

Here starts a journey of self-exploration and initiating conversations. Because as they say, "Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."

Today's reminder: I know it isn't easy to make sense of all that's going on in life, but just know that's okay; it's okay to not have it all sorted out at the moment. You're gonna get this.

With love, your fellow explorer, trying to explore the intricacies and complexities of life :)