my-void-of-which-i-cry

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

It pisses me off just because i act like i do, and i try to be light hearted about all the stress im going through because i do not like the pity , i want the understanding. But that doesn't give you the right to just immediately flood me with these grievences. It was my birthday too, i was just trying to lighten the mood of it not being a very fun day because i had college classes to attend and i just wanted to talk about it. That wasnt an invitation for you to just rant and cry to me about how someone thought you were a bad mother. Cuz maybe you are being one. Thats not a bad thing. No body is perfect. I keep trying not think about these situations but it happens too often. And the only answers you give me is " youre just that empathetic, you just care alot " not even a thank you for being your personal therapist when im infact drowning myself. How do i stop being a therapist. I need to just shut up and keep to myself now this hurts to keep remembering.

5/10/25

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

5/10/25

Im at that point in life that i want to cry for my mom but not just my mom, MY MOM . Like the idea my Nostalgia You can't feel the heat created in my mind The feeling And that I want to be held and I want to be loved Like no other thing in the world is ever loved before But I want it to be With my mom But not my mom. But I just really really need a hug right now. I really need like a big huge hug and I can't get it From my mom And I don't want it from my mum But I need it from my mom ... I just really need to cry.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

Being the youngest daughter is coming home to an empty house because your mother was rushed to hospital and no one thought to tell you.

Being the youngest daughter is being crushed under the weight of expectations and achievements of older siblings.

Being the youngest daughter is being the go between for your parents and older sister after innumerable arguments and being so alone during that time.

Being the youngest daughter is greater freedom and deeper mistakes, that seem branded on your skin and become stories of what a reckless, deviant daughter you are.

Being the youngest daughter is having every achievement weighed against your older sisters and dealing with her anger when she feels beaten.

Being the youngest daughter is hiding how you feel, what you’ve been through and still being the antichrist.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

No longer.clean

04/17/2025

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

Ill hold my breath .

(For all the youngest kids out there who always giving and understanding, and people still think you're spoiled)

I'll hold my breath for you

i'll give my space to you

each step you take,

i will step back to give you room.

i'm tired of acting like im better than you.

i'm worse

but if not me, then who ?

Who will hold their breath ,

and keep fighting these battles in your stead.

so you can have the space

so you can have this time, the place, these steps , to flourish,

to finally be understood

to finally have someone on your side

i want you to be happy

and i want your happiness

to take the center stage

so i'll hold my breath

Ill make some space

i'll walk to the side

so you can take

The spotlight

i don't want to be another disaster

i don't want to be

the main event.

i'll hold my breath

so the problem ends

you can be the star

And ill hold my breath

give you my oxygen

and while we are sinking

under this titanic of our emotions

and all of our hidden devastations

i'll give you my oxygen

and i'll let you rise up

And get some air

let you get on the safety raft

and i'll sink , sink very deep

and ill keep

holding

my

breath

Just keep holding my breath

until i can't - until i'm dead

-A.Z

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

The fact I'm so aware of how cringe it is to be aware about myself and my trauma .

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

Take me back to Eden

11/3/24

what more could you expect from people who dont value you your time and your effort what you offer is all youre worth. dont expect me to stay when all you want from me is my obedience to you and your faulty fucking idealogies of parenthood. i am not responsible for the reaction you want from me. when you want eaxctly is just the result like im some kind of robot subordinate on your beck and call. on your pay check your salary ??? did i ask to be here?? why do i always have to rant aboit the same things to people who never listen . you just never evolve youre right you dont and you csnt you cant change because you think youe right you LWAYSTHINK YOURE RIGHT it doesnt matter if you really are but you never change youre too shallow and stupid to do that. you think you are better that just because youre selkf centered and you never imagine another perspective other than your own lol imagine thinking youre so progressve and just being and staying a bitch to the kids you put in this fucking dying pool called earth. cant wait to die or be shot through the skull. you already have that opinion in your head that i am thia and that so whate ever the fuck i say t defend my place and my honor and dignity mind you will always stay irrelevant lollllll i do not miss thhis and hope i wont ever have to deal with this shit. hope i can get a part time job even just kick me out too and kill me i dont care if its brutal or emotional , ypoure gonna rationalize it anuyway you want. youre gonnna twist my words and ruin my day mno matter what . okay

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

3/15/24

Today i remember when i had a problem that i couldnt keep to myself any longer i told my mother, i expected her to atleast relate to my struggle but it seems ive been too closed about myself because she said "i didnt know you were weak to this as well" refering to the fact that she didnt realiza i would also be a problem child like my sister, i am not like my sister, they think i will turn out like her one day and they beg and pray that i dont. When all she ever struggles with is her mental health and they as our parents from a diffrrent generation do not have the appropriate knowledge to equiped to help her and get her help. But i cant be like her, she is far too much to "deal" with. So in my conclusion, im not allowed to have the privilege of being angry, of breaking down, they look at in such high hope that its disgusting, i dont want to be in seen as the better child. Im no better than her. I keep all of my anger in this bottle all my grievences in this diary that i hate them i hate them all, the love they provide me is conditional. I meet the requirments my sister barely passed, i cant even confide to anyone.else im too messed up im toobscared that if i start dumping all this shit baggage i have no one will want to come near me. Im supposed to be the reliable one. I don't want to be. I wanna be held while i cry. I wanna be squeezed in a hug that i dont initiate. i wanna be wanted even with this baggage and inwant them to stay even after i unpack it all.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

Ill be 18

Ill be 18 in a week, i will be allowed to vote

I will be allowed to drive

I will be old enough to drink

ill be 18 soon but i seem to have lost my fire.

As an Aries, i am far too timid to speak my thoughts

Far too soft to handle the responsibility of adulthood

Far too old to act like an idiot.

I cant even plan my own party.

Ill be 18 In a week. And i still think about being 14

and the whole world closing around me,

as if all the problems ive pushed away, come back in a tsunami

and it crashes down on me with such verocity.

I do not celebrate my birthdays,

i can't.

I try not to think of all the time i have didnt feel pass me by

and hope i sleep and wake up 14 again,

this must all be a dream.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

Call me a mourner, because i grieve for the person behind this poem, i hope you find peace,

- fellow child

I think I will never be my parents' favorite child, I will never be their daughter for that matter. I will forever be my mother's psychologist and my father's mediator.

That's alright though, i know i will always be my siblings' sister, and I think that's enough

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

For My Mother, I love you but i do not like you.

For my mother, I love you but i do not like you. You created me, you made me into what i am. I am simply a mirror of you which is exactly the thing tried so hard not to be. I tried to erase every part of you from myself and yet I have still become you. My anger is yours, I hate my father for what he did to you. I hate myself for the words that spill to you when I am blinded by rage. My tears are yours, they belong to you. The tears I cry for what you’ve done are the same tears I use to mourn you, to mourn what you were and what you could’ve been. I mourn for your childhood that was ripped away when you were most definitely too young, all the while mourning myself for you doing the same to me. You tried your hardest not to, but in your own way you have imparted the very same curse your mother had put onto you. You ruined me and made me in the same brush stroke. I cry for the hatred you have instilled in me towards my own father. It was easy for you to make me hate him, because it was easy to see the wounds and scars he had given me. His hate for me came quick and rough, easily seen at the time, but the hate you showed me could not be seen in an instant. You did not cut me but poisoned me, fated me to die in a slow way, a way that i could not see until it was too late to fix, but i see it now. I both hate you and love you for all you’ve done at the same time. I cannot fix what has happened to you no matter how hard i try, i wish for you to heal from what you refuse to speak about. I realise the reason i am so forgiving towards you is because of all that you’ve been through, but now the scales have fallen from my eyes and i know now that these are not excuses but explanations. I pray that my daughter will not fall victim to the same curse that has run through the woman in our family for too many generations to count. I pray I will not turn her into what I have become. I mourn for you, I mourn for me, and I mourn for my future. I hope to one day truly forgive you for all the pain you’ve caused. I hope to one day be able to truly hold a conversation with you without being afraid you’ll say something you can’t take back. I hope one day we can say “I love you” to each other and truly mean it, but for now, I love you but I do not like you.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

I just deleted the saddest shit I could ever muster wtffffff, i might just end it all now im going to cry even more than when i wrote it

No one even knows what i wrote FUCKKKK ☹️😭😭😭😭😭

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

listen to , who?

I have great hearing, ive always been born to listen, born to be a spare for a child who had no one to talk to,

I have great hearing, when i hear a droplet of water hit the bucket from the leaky faucet, in my bathroom two doors away, its because i listen,

I have great hearing, because when no one tells you what the current events are or when they think you're too young to know,of course they wont tell you. the best you can do to understand the situation is to listen, hone you skills develop an ear who can hear three doors away, whatever struggle your family is going through,

When you're young you think having a unique trait thats makes you stand out from the rest makes you a superhero, i used to think the same, " i can hear things from a mile away! " I would say, to my kindergarten friends, they didnt have the powers i did.

They couldn't understand what the adults say, so i when you say the wrong thing to a child who doesn't understand the words you use from an adults tongue, you make them cry.

I listen and i like to listen well, never forget a detail, when i meet new people, they tell me things about them, I'll remember everything, what your favorite color is, your birthday, your last name, I'll even listen to your problems, or the burdens that you carry, best not speak too much of mine though.

I can listen, because i want to know more, i crave the knowledge that seeps into my ears and the feeling of having something to say when you ask, i listen because i dont want to feel left out, abandoned, uncaring, i want you to not feel the way i did. And still do.

And in my house, the ears i want to cover, every imperfection of every single person inside this hell where you can hear each creak of the door swinging open and slamming shut, where you can listen to psycho analogies of the people in it, in every rant and rage- i listen.

I listen, because there are so many things i want to say but each time i try to say it you you never listen anyway. And when you force me to hear every horrible word you expect me to appreciate it? When i hear it from him or her, it doesn't matter Because I'll always be just a great listener, an open ear.

I curse the day i chose to say, I can hear things from a mile away.

-A.Z

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

New, Old, Things.

Whats the point of hoping for a new path,

when the road you walk

will always stay the same.

I crave the new, the smell of freshly baked bread, the wafting heat of cooked rice, new friendships, new places, new experiences

I love the new, but it's never loved me.

New things dont reach me, new feelings dont come to me,new people come then go, i feel used and i am.

Newness and me are like sister's who's age gaps determine the relationship they'll lead, and if you're younger like i am, and stronger like i am, "loved" like i am.

Newness is foreign, clothes, gadgets, her taste in music, even the room you're sleeping in. Its all where she's been and all you'll be until maybe you move out, you run away, you disappear or pass.

All you'll feel will be what she's felt, you would expect your parents to understand you then, but instead of learning they give up.

Even the way i was raised, they always say my sister is a handful, im the more considerate sibling, I'm better, if i was, is that why i am a trophy placed on the higher shelf, shining against a display light,dust slowly build up, unable to reach.

in a stand that doesn't quite fit because it wasnt mine.

While she sits Below, where you can grab her, easily clean , polish her, like new, while i rust away. A new stand just to fit her New image.

All in the guise of " she needs it more,"

I'll always be in the arms of second hand pens, and t shirts, old and stale bread, cold food, because she needs it more.

Its okay, I've always loved new things, but new things dont love me.

-A.Z

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself.  why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its  not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

I really f*cking do. So much .

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

11/14/2022

I feel a little overwhelmed this past few days, i think i want a break. From life, from myself. Ive become a little too aware these days. I need to write a poem, i need to join a choir, i need to do my work. As a leader and as a student. I need to get things done. But i just dont want to. Im tired. I wish i had an expiration date that was painless and ultimately good for my psyche. I need rest now. Good night void .