mycptsdstory

[mycptsdstory]

I know it’s easier said than done, but you don’t deserve to feel ashamed or angry at yourself because you were too afraid to speak up when you were being abused.

It’s normal. It doesn’t mean you deserved it or wanted it.

I encourage you to think about what you’d think of someone else in your position. Would you blame them? I think that’s unlikely. You’re just as deserving of compassion. I promise. Please be compassionate with yourself.

[mycptsdstory]

You are not a product. You are not an object. You are a person. You are a human being. You are not 'damaged goods' because of your trauma.

[mycptsdstory]

Found on Facebook

[mycptsdstory]

All the time

Do you ever have a whole internal relationship with (imaginary) someone in your head where you imagine conversations and events but mostly what you imagine is every single way everything could go wrong, things they could say that would make you feel invaded and scrutinized and how easily this would break you? Like even in your head when you're trying to imagine being close to someone, all you can imagine is roadblocks and triggers and every possible way you could get classified as not good enough, or shameful, or too broken to be accepted as an equal? Every way that you could be abandoned by them?

I haven't even realized this until someone pointed out how imagining heartbreaking scenarios when you're trying to imagine love is a symptom of having such low self worth that you couldn't imagine being happy or safe with someone. I thought I was 'prepairing myself for most likely scenarios if I ever do get close to someone' but fantasizing about the most painful things that could happen to you in a relationship apparently isn't a pain-preventative measure.

[mycptsdstory]

There's no rule for how triggers present.

Triggers can make you numb, have a breakdown, feel intense anxiety, or even feel rage.

And you aren't wrong for feeling any of these things. You aren't wrong if you feel angry. You aren't wrong if you need to cry it out. You aren't wrong if you just numb yourself to it.

It can be important to find healthy ways to manage these feelings, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling them.

[mycptsdstory]

abusive parents will be like, this is my emotional support child! I get to abuse them as a coping mechanism! It helps me get trough the day! You're being ableist if you take it away!

[mycptsdstory]

Not gonna lie, the toxic positivity on chatgbt is starting to piss me off.

This is why I love open, honest, raw communication. Even IF it did hurt, I'd rather someone tell me the truth, than make me feel cOmFoRtAblE.

[mycptsdstory]

You do know, when an adult has blown tantrums; the screaming, the yelling, the cursing, slamming doors, stomping on the ground, the carrying on... Isn't normal, right?

You do realise, only emotionally immature adults do that, right? No normal adult does tantrums, right?

You do know, when your parent/carer giver/guardian does tantrums... It's not normal. It's never normal.

I hope you realise that. I hope you understand that.

[mycptsdstory]

Found on Facebook

[mycptsdstory]

Tbh I think I'm done ranting and venting on my facebook. I think I'm done with the people who I called out.

Especially, to the ones who believed I was a peadophile, when I haven't done anything wrong.

I think after this, I'm just gonna keep off facebook and get memes. Send happy birthdays to my friends, or friends that I have left, after that stupid fucking lie.

From day one, Facebook has been nothing but problematic. I can't wait to delete it one day.

[mycptsdstory]

Buxton drama league was out to destroy me. They wanted me dead.

No one can change my mind on that.

[mycptsdstory]

I'd rather attack myself than other people

[mycptsdstory]

We live in a world where obese means ugly.

So therefore, I'm ugly.

[mycptsdstory]

I don't want to get out of bed and face the world.

Can I just rot here and starve, till the pounds go

[mycptsdstory]

I'm 216lbs

That's not beautiful. That's obese.

Don't gaslight me and tell me, wEigHt iS jUsT a NumBeR because it ain't.

I'm fat and ugly.

I'm not sexy.

I'm not beautiful.

I'm ugly.

Skinny = beautiful

Fat = ugly.

[mycptsdstory]

Don't call me fucking beautiful and gaslight me.

I know I'm ugly. Let's face the facts.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not sexy.

I'm ugly.

Don't gaslight and tell me something that I'm not.

[mycptsdstory]

I wish I never joined Buxton drama league, I wish I never joined Chatsworth players, I wish I never performed at Buxton opera house. I wished I never met these people.

My weight was okay, it wasn't the best, but it was okay. Until I joined them.

I was over eating, over indulging in food because I got bullied for the way I looked. Now I'm fat.

It's honestly hard to lose weight, especially on a fucking budget.

I hate my body and the way it looks. I wish I had never met these people.

I'm a size 18 nearly 20, I want to starve, I want to not eat. But I know I'm 33 and my body can't handle it.

Yes it's my fault for eating crap, for putting on weight.

The bullying for the way I look, my natural black hair, my body shape because I wasn't thin enough or big enough. So I just ate my feelings away.

I HATE HOW I FUCKING LOOK. I HATE MY BODY.

I'm fat and ugly. I wish I could cut off the fat, I wish I could just starve until the pounds drop.

I hate myself.