#cptsd tag

[mycptsdstory]

Found on twitter

[queermoths]

im so normal *

* i oscillate violently between wanting to be cuddled 24/7 and being so touch-averse the thought of anything beyond the quickest handshake makes me want to vomit

[e114-6i11]

"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity."

“I'm almost never serious, and I'm always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted.

I'm like a collection of paradoxes."

“I am every age

I have ever been.

All time ever does

is pass and all I ever do is remember.”

[queerautism]

Really excited to finally read this properly. Having a physical copy usually helps me a lot, because using a highlighter as I go along helps me with focus and recognising the important ideas in the text.

The first time I tried to read this book was maybe 7 or 8 years ago? I wasn't ready for it. I broke down just reading the introduction and had to stop. Then stayed awake all night writing emails to dog breeders, which was the first step in eventually getting my boy.

Hoping to make it all the way through this time. Even if I have to take many breaks to pet him.

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

about 10 years ago or so I read a text post about how someone got a facebook message from one of their high school bullies apologizing for the being a bully towards them and the op said that even through the apology was nice and seemed sincere it wasn't what they needed and it didn't make them feel better at the time I was probably around 20 and those wounds were still fresh so all I could think is the bully was this selfish rotten person that was only messaging op to relieve themselves of guilt (because projection amirite?) so anyways fast forward 10ish years and I randomly thought of that post and I realized I'm not really angry at the girls that bullied me in school anymore. it was combination of being able to talk about the hurt and alienation I felt openly and honestly with therapists and friends, making genuine friends and having strong bonds, escaping my own nightmare homelife, doing the things I enjoy, getting help for my own mental breakdowns (and a lot of them were bad), plus just plain getting older and being able to see that even through I didn't deserve to be on the blunt end of their cruelty a few of these girls had rough homelifes that I won't go into detail about and the adult in me can see these were troubled teens not recieving the love and support and stability they needed. these now women (and at least one man 🏳️‍⚧️) are not people I want or expect an apology from. I wish them the best I hope they make it to a space where they can have the love and stability they needed as children/teens

maybe one day I can have that kind of deattachment from my parents as a small child I dreamt of the day they would be kinder and gentler and actually loving towards me and that girl is still there and she always will be then as I got older I wanted to leave and make them suffer and make them and realize what shittty parents they were and to a certain extent I did my sister told me that my aunt used to tell my dad he ran me out of town and I haven't talked to either one of them since september. it wasn't something I planned like most estranged adult children at some point I just so desperately want to move on. I wouldn't accept an apology if one was offered but the sick thing is I want one to be offered still I just want that kind indifference and willingness to quietly forgive like I have with my childhood bullies but the longest I had ro tangle with those girls was 2 years versus 20 years and ultimately I didn't expect anything from them so them denying community when I was younger hurt but I was still able to grow up and move on. I just don't know if I'll ever move on from being denied love from my own parents. I hope and hope and even pray that I'll wake up 10 years from now forty and just having my broken heart be patched over

[wreckingball4good]

if I may. If you were going to set off fireworks in a residential area I would ask one thing of you. Don’t.

veterans are actually one of the smallest groups that are highly vulnerable to ptsd and c ptsd.

[b00mst1ckbvtcher]

Is this the pain from our chronic pain or is it psychosomatic pain from trauma? Age old question.

[mycptsdstory]

Found on Reddit. I needed to hear this

[dragonheartstring360]

foreshortened future will really have you like “well there’s no point if I won’t make it to 30”

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

anyways finally talked to my sister last night she's getting all As in nursing school but living with our parents is depressing her as the patterns of emotional abuse continue also now my mom is asking her why I don't call anymore so now I feel like I'm adding extra tenison to thw house by being no/low contact which is affecting my sister she's not judgemental about me being no/low contact since they're causing her mental distress but *sign*

[traumatizedjaguar]

So what I learned about myself by researching these topics about abuse, collected from experts and therapists who work with complex trauma patients:

Betrayal Trauma is the name of what I went through in my household

Scapegoats are often betrayed by parents and I fit the scapegoat role

Scapegoats are often “truth tellers” and fight the family narrative

Scapegoats can be betrayed by one family member OR they can be betrayed by the whole family in which the family narrative is “we are all okay and right, and you (the scapegoat) is the crazy/wrong one.”

Scapegoats often have DARVO used against them (when the abusers in the family call the scapegoat the abuser, and the real abusers/parents call themselves the victims)

Scapegoat may feel betrayed, rejected, shamed, become a people pleaser, overly forgiving, may avoid relationships and end up isolating yourself from others

Some become dependent on the abusive family as an adult, slow to get ahead in life

Toxic shame is not just feeling ashamed, but YOU ARE shame (not really true, your brain lies to you). You think You Are Shame walking around on 2 legs. (How I feel and doing my research I understand it’s the trauma brain talking but I genuinely believe the lies). “I feel humiliated when I speak in front of others” “I feel humiliated for existing and taking space”

You could have had a fight response, challenge the abusers distorted, twisted view of reality. It causes exhaustion from challenging the family false narrative growing up. You may identify with being the “fighter.”

Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville explains adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) are impacted by Betrayal Trauma. She also explains the consequences of being rejected, shamed, and blamed by the people who were supposed to love and care for you the most.

Dr. Erin Watson’s article: The Duel Layers of Betrayal Trauma for Survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse.

[rockandrollwme]

[carnage-cathedral]

my partner said something that kinda rocked my world

[acontradictionpersonified]

big fan of spite

like genuinely, i wouldve unalived myself a long time ago if i wasnt so spiteful.

my entire existence is a big fck you to, well... everyone. im poor, fat, with a physical disability, extremely mentally ill, queer and trans. i have audhd, cptsd, some sort of personality disorder. and with all that, somewhat confident in myself

ive been knocked down more times than i can count and ill be damned if i give all those ppl the satisfaction of seeing me broken

so i keep going.