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Red Flags

Everyone experiences different red flags, here are some from my last relationship. Some are major some are small.

- Was obsessed with the girl before me, said so many good things about her and that they were dating when they weren’t even dating.

-The whole time this girl was turning him down and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

- Finally realised she was saying no and rejecting him, hence forth from that day said they were “friends” but never had a nice thing to say about her. Called her numerous bad words from bitch to player to frigid. Still remained “friends” with her.

- Didn’t give any interest in me at all until finally accepted that girl didn’t want him anymore then suddenly became super interested in me.

-When she found out him and I were maybe a thing she warned that he was super clingy and needy.

-Hangs out with alot more girls than guys and is quick to move to find the next group of girls to be friends. 

-Called the actual ex before me “Crazy”. Didn’t explain to me why only that she cheated on him. Yes being cheated on is horrible but not a reason to start calling someone crazy.

-Calling himself a “nice guy” and “gentleman” but actions didn’t prove his words. Proven from some points above plus below.

-My friend told me “he’s a player and going to break your heart”. Even though he was saying it because he was jealous, he wasn’t lying. He was friends with that guy and must’ve been seeing and hearing things this guy was telling him which of course he would never tell a girl he’s interested in.

-Would take his insecurities out on friends he thought were lesser to him and that he thought weren’t going to stand up to him.

-Thought that doing something even though he knows it hurts their feelings to get a reaction because he found it funny.

-Constantly hating, saying bad things and complaining about certain friends but never cut them-off from his life and continued to be their friends. Very two faced. Would tell them something and act super friendly then behind their back those comments and would say the opposite of what he said to their face to other people.

- He offered to make dinner. I said no I already had my own prepared. He got mad and said “I’m trying to do something nice for you”. Not respecting people’s decisions and getting mad when he was trying to do something nice and they wouldn’t accept.

-Trying to control what I wore by saying “Are you sure you want to wear that?” Saying it was abit revealing. Matters because I am definitely not someone who wears revealing clothes. I get uncomfortable if shorts are above mid thigh so I would never wear anything close to “revealing”.

-He would make fun of me if I ever told him I hung out with friends and they were guys, he would tease me to the point where I couldn’t even mention the guys name and he would message me saying “Why don’t you message “insert a guy friends name”. He was also very insecure about one certain guy I was friends with and would go. “Do you think he’s hotter than me? do you? do you? you do don’t you?” Over and over until I had to repeatedly say no and never said that guys name in a story or mentioned him again. But yet he was allowed to hangout with whatever girl he wanted to and I couldn’t say anything about how much more time he was spending with them than me.

-Would do something for you but if you didn’t say thankyou back he would hold that against you and constantly remind you.

- Said he wasn’t over his ex. called his ex the light of his life but crazy and he hated her.

I should never have gone there I was a dumb ass for ignoring all these flags. Me ignoring these red flags led into very big problems in the relationship and me being miserable for alot of it. Lesson learnt.

It’s hard to know how or what flags are too much flags kind of thing. Everyone has red flags, no-one is perfect. It’s knowing whether those red flags will lead to an unhealthy or abusive relationship or if you do go into that relationship being aware. It’s normal for people to want to hangout alot when they first meet but if it starts to affect your life or they become too controlling or needy that’s when it becomes a problem.

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One day you realise they're completely gone, from your mind and your soul.

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My experience

It was the last 6 months of my relationship. Almost every week I would call my mum crying. They did this, they haven’t been doing any of that, they only ask for this. I had brought the issues up with my partner but never had they put effort into fixing it. Every call mom’s response would be - 

“You should breakup”. 

I would reply -  “But I love them, they’ll change for me”. 

I waited and waited and everyday there would be less affection, less laughter,  less smiles, less hangouts. 

“You should breakup”.  “But I love them, they’ll change for me”. 

Everyday I got more and more miserable and they became even more toxic towards me.

I was lucky to even get a message back, or to see them once a week.

“You should breakup” “But I love them, they’ll change for me”.

I put up with so much just in the hope that my love would carry us through this slump. Until one day.

“I want to breakup with you”.

They. broke up. with. me. Everything I had let them put me through for that one hope. My love was not enough.

This is why love is never enough to hold a relationship together. 

A relationship is not determined by one but by two. 

It needs both of you. 

If there is no love, no trust, no respect then no matter how much YOU love, it will never be enough.

I know you don’t want to believe it, how it can’t be true for you. People who truly love you wouldn’t treat you that way. Their love is not true love, it could be an ego love, an insecure love, it’s not true love.

There is always someone better out there who wants to truly love you too.

Staying with the hope they will see your love and the effort you put in for them, will only cause you more pain everyday you stay. It hurts so much to do it now to break it off. But it’s going to hurt alot more when it inevitably happens but months or years down the track.

See it not as breaking up with them will cause you more pain. But breaking up with them will save you the pain of the days you would’ve spent with them if you hadn’t of.

Pain is inevitable if you truly love them. There’s only one that’s good for you. That’s the pain without them, it might hurt now but it’s going to hurt alot less than if you had’ve stayed. The pain felt after a breakup is of healing instead of watching someone you love treat you less everyday.

Unfortunately I was so blinded by love and had such low self-esteem from the way I had been treated by my partner that not even them cheating on me was enough for me to break-up with them. The best thing they did for me was when they broke up with me.

They don’t even realise it, but they saved me.

I’ve learnt from my lesson, I know next time it will hurt unbearably but I will know it’s what best for me if I’m ever in that situation again, not matter how long it takes there will be someone out there for me who will truly love me.

But just love is not enough.

I just hope someone sees my story and even if it saves one person from one day of pain at least I helped someone because I couldn’t help myself.

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Love doesn’t keep a relationship together. A relationship only held together by love is toxic. 

A relationship requires respect, trust, communication, so many other things AND Love. They require all, not just one. 

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Love is not the only thing that should be keeping you from leaving.

If people are telling you to leave them but your only response is “I love them” or “They’ll change” and they’ve had plenty of chances to, they won’t.