nattercam

[nattercam]

My Emotions Are Valid

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life is being unsure If my emotions are valid. That sounds like a stupid sentence, of course all emotions are valid, everyone is entitled to their feelings right? But what if my past and present actions are the cause? What then? 

Realistically I know that me staying up until gone midnight dissassosiating from reality with a naff KU romance book is not the cause or blame of me emotionally boiling over but somehow every time I manage to beat myself up over not being able to cope because I don't have a good routine, or I can't keep on top of the housework or remember to do basic evey day activities like showering. I'm just not trying hard enough, I'm being narcissistic, woe is me and gaslighting myself and everyone around me into thinking I'm a victim when if I just freaking got on with it rather than getting all upset then maybe just maybe I wouldn't be crying in the downstairs loo for the 3rd time today while Bea destroys the house and Paul WhatsApps me from the sofa asking where I am. 

 Currently, I'm upset because I'm exhausted and over stimulated and the thought of having to remain calm during another of Beas unregulated episodes while Paul either gets frustrated and angry or steps back completely because "you know she only wants you" while simultaneously back seat driving with "you have to remain calm", "stop saying that you're making it worse" - you know what mate, if you know so bloody well why don't you take over! 

I'm feeling sorry for myself because last night I did the night time wake up as always (solid midnight til 4am for the win there Bea) woke up 15 mins before school starts, then worked all day using my lunchbreak to do the school run and then juggling childcare, meltdowns and Teams meetings until the end of the day. Next I talked Jay though a most basic adult task even though he's 20 and should be more than capable. Followed by fielding well meaning but completely unhelpful conversation with my mother who thinks she understands but really doesn't and attempting to plan, purchase and execute Christmas day (which is a week away) even though the house is totally trashed and I'm so overwhelmed by it I don't know where to start. Let's not forget the email from school to say Bea kicked a teacher and that I just realised I forgot to go to the cash point to get money for school lunches next term. I don't remember the last time I showered or ate a home cooked healthy meal and by the time Paul gets home (having not done the ONE errand I asked him to do) I haven't even thought about dinner so I just shove a microwave meal on for Bea before settling down to apptempt to brush her matted hair, and yes I do mean matted, properly matted with a lovely sprinkling of headlice that no matter what I do I can't get rid of. 

Naturally my even attempting to touch her hair caused instant meltdown as she has serious sensory issues around her hair which is how we got into this mess in the first place. 

So now I'm locked in the loo while Bea rages on the other side of the door (I'm not, I'm writing this after she finally went to sleep but go with it for the sake of the story) and all I can think about is that I have no right to feel this upset because if I hadn't stayed up until midnight maybe I would have had at least some sleep before Beas midnight til 4am over stimulation party and then maybe today wouldn't have been such a disaster and I would have been able to handle this 4th meltdown of the day with poise and grace instead of silently excusing myself to go cry in the loo. Maybe if the house was tidy and a proper meal was on the table for my 8 year old who has perfectly brushed and lice free hair to eat then just maybe everything would be ok and it's my own fault for getting into this mess. 

So yea hence the existential crisis over wether my feelings are valid. Also I think I have a head louse under my nail.