neverluckygoldfish - Tumblr blog

[neverluckygoldfish]

53 -

Sometimes I feel so different from everyone else I meet. I don’t want to pretend anymore. So I don’t.

I crave solitude almost 95% of the time these days. I mean no texting (not that I do that much any way), no calls, no social media, no doom scrolling - just lost in the day to day. And I like it this way.

I enjoy people and I really love my friends. But I don’t expect anything from them. If they show up, they show up & if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t read much more into it than that. I used to spend HOURS obsessing over social interactions, what people thought of me, if people liked me - etc.

And now I just, don’t really think about people at all.

I’ve been really into walks around my neighborhood, consumed with school & all my other time is essentially devoted to: organizing my life, self-care, painting (a new hobby), hot yoga, etc.

I do have a constant thought plaguing me: “am I becoming a selfish asshole?”

I think it’s more, I am no longer holding myself responsible for other people. Managing emotions and expectations. That’s their responsibility.

I can barely manage myself sometimes so like, the fact that I have tried to manage others for a good portion of my life just exhausts me to think about.

If I am ever offensive or rude or anything perceived poorly, I trust that people know they can come to me and we can talk through it.

I think that for most of my life, I defined my self worth and value through people liking me, having lots of friends/plans, making my life appear great. I thought if people liked me then I mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel pretty strong in who I am and what I stand for. And I know I’ll be okay. Even if I still struggle from time to time.

So like, things are pretty groovy rn. Onward and upward

[neverluckygoldfish]

[neverluckygoldfish]

Intimacy is about safety. the peace you feel in someone's presence. The ease in their voice even when you disagree. Someone's attentiveness when you are struggling. Their language when they speak about you. Someone's curiosity to learn you and the surrender when it comes to you.

[neverluckygoldfish]

[neverluckygoldfish]

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

[neverluckygoldfish]

the beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow, and better yourself. you aren't defined by your past. you aren't your mistakes.

[neverluckygoldfish]

[neverluckygoldfish]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[neverluckygoldfish]

51 -

It has been day 1 for me again for going on….a week. I’m stuck. Every night I think to myself: okay tomorrow, going to wake up and reset. And maybe the first 5 minutes I do feel that way but then I’m not sure what happens? Head gets cloudy and I go back to the same old alcoholic routine,

I’m still trying.

Also refusing to feel sorry for myself, I will not wallow. I know this had to happen - relapses happen! I’m imperfect. What’s important is that I get back on the horse.

Ok so I will do that….maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a day off and am feeling like I need to go a meeting even if it’s the only thing I do.

All I have to say.

[neverluckygoldfish]

Savannah Brown, from Closer Baby Closer; “Seduction theory”

[Text ID: “so let it be known when I want something I want more of it than usually exists.”]

[neverluckygoldfish]

[neverluckygoldfish]

50 -

And so we begin again. Day 1.

I don’t have much to say except I’m trying. When I don’t want to, when I don’t have faith - I’m still trying. Sometimes it takes me a little bit before I get back to that mindset.

But I give myself grace because each time I pick myself back up after falling down, I get a little farther before I stumble again. And maybe one day, I won’t stumble at all.

Back to the basics this week.

[neverluckygoldfish]

49 -

#triggerwarning apathy & suicidal thoughts

I feel like shit. As soon as you label yourself an “addict” or “alcoholic”, then you can’t fail. Everyone’s looking at you and wants to make sure you’re okay. I’ll never be their version of okay.

I’m not okay. I hate living. Just when I think I’ve found my motivation & the desire to keep on, it fades as quickly as my next breath.

I haven’t offed myself because there are just a few things/people I still care about deeply.

But like? Shit is so hard! I have to remember deadlines and making enough time and keeping in touch with people and meetings and also don’t remember to not waste time and push myself and having a calm head and eating and sleeping and I just can’t right now.

And how the fuck am I going to ever have a baby when I can barely (BARELY) take care of myself for more than 3 days. I don’t know why anyone thinks I’ll be a great mom, I’m too trapped in my selfishness and misery.

I relapsed. And I’m sad and anxious. And numb.

The worst is that I don’t even give a flying fuck, I give up. I want to stay drunk and struggling. It’s so hard.

I don’t know how to be happy.

Whatever.

What’s trash is that my family did this to me and then I did it more to myself and I have to pick up the pieces and heal. It’s no one else’s responsibility but mine. And yet I didn’t ask for this.

I almost no showed to work today and just decided fuck it all. But I didn’t.

I hate everything.

[neverluckygoldfish]

[neverluckygoldfish]

a safe love

[neverluckygoldfish]

48 -

I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

[neverluckygoldfish]

Jenny Slate, Little Weirds