ninisadge

[ninisadge]

it's so awful wanting to vent with someone but feeling like i don't have anyone to do so... i feel deeply lonely

[ninisadge]

created a blog to post food control and shit in case you're interested. @gettingthinnerbitches

[ninisadge]

i find myself hiding food from my family to pretend i ate it. chewing food in the bathroom and throwing it up on the toilet so i can at least feel the taste of stuff i won't eat. freaking out after eating any carbs, even if it was just a bit.

when will i be skinny enough?

[ninisadge]

i can't believe i'm freaking out over rice again. i thought my relationship with food was okay already but i'm still not skinny enough.

[ninisadge]

why does it feel like every time i’m in a relatively good mood my brain just comes at me like “see, you’re okay. you are not depressed. you’re just faking everything.”

i just wanted to feel nice for a moment with having to deal with mood swings all the fucking time

[ninisadge]

everything would be so much easier if i could just not eat anything without having people trying to choke me in food. the fact you tell me to eat more won't stop me from skipping meals and getting rid of food.

just leave me alone with my hate for food and lemme starve until i'm skinny enough.

[ninisadge]

cut myself 3 times this week. my wrists hate me for sure. i don’t know why i do it. i just feel like i have to.

[ninisadge]

thinking about stealing alcohol from the fridge

[ninisadge]

it’s impressive how i go from feeling that all these feelings are fake and i am completely fine to thinking that i have every single mental illness.

my mood swings are killing me. but at the same time i just feel like i’m being over dramatic.

am i really sad? am i really happy? 

i just wanted to know what the fuck is wrong with me.

[ninisadge]

i stole my mom’s lighter. i know where my father has some cigarette boxes. 

i know i shouldn’t. but there’s something who doesn’t let me just forget this stupid idea. something in my head keeps forcing me to do it. i don’t know what it is, but it’s too strong. so strong that made this idea keep stuck in my head for over a week.

[ninisadge]

i wanna die so fucking much. i’m so tired of having to live in my disgusting body, as a disgusting person.

because why not faking diseases for attention and “aesthetics”?! why not using other people’s suffer for my advantage?! why not manipulate everyone using the same ass card, “oh look at me i’m so sad! give me attention!”. 

i just hope i won’t continue being a coward for much longer, i really don’t deserve to exist.

[ninisadge]

not me breaking down again for absolutely no reason. everything was going okay today. why do these things ever have to happen?!

[ninisadge]

i still have 49802030 assignments to hand in and i don’t seem any bothered to do them. fuck i’m such a lazy bitch. i do nothing all day and still think i have the right to complain about being tired. bitch, you are tired because you’re laze as fuck and can’t even move a finger without complaining. and then, when people call you lazy, you think you have the right to feel bad about it. bitch you know that you’re lazy and you just can’t accept that.

[ninisadge]

my work doesn’t worth any shit. it’s wonderful to know that i can do nothing decent and will just keep on living as a fucking failure. having 0 natural talent and living as a lazy ass bitch makes my days fucking disgraceful, but i guess that’s what i deserve. Deserve to feel the pain of not being enough for this world and know that no matter what i do i was born to die alone; born to die as a bitch that people don’t even bother to talk with. i guess that’s what i deserve, to survive as a failure.

[ninisadge]

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[ninisadge]

i lie about not being able to turn my cam one during my physical education class so i don’t do the exercises and then complain about having a disgusting body. you fucking fat bitch.

i have 30000 different assignments to finish and i do nothing. i don’t pay attention to my classes. i spend my classes on fucking discord. this is what i like to call laziness and a fucking pathetic person. you dumb piece of shit. you are literally nothing and you’ll continue being nothing until the day you fucking die.

[ninisadge]

sorry mom, i had to do it.