nobody-is-home69

[nobody-is-home69]

i don't want to end up where i fear i'm destined to be

where i am laying still

where my hair falls freely with the weight of the world

where my eyes have drifted shut

where my voice goes quiet

and my heart goes flat

tears might be shed but my soul is free

[nobody-is-home69]

“if i love you, we’re a promise, would you break it, if your honest”

- billie

[nobody-is-home69]

tangled emotions

[nobody-is-home69]

i spend all of my hours trapped

within the 4 walls of my bedroom

i sit on my bed

i stare in the mirror

wondering who is staring back at me

i want to talk to my parents

but i don’t think they’ll be understanding

i want them to know i’m not okay

but i don’t want to be a burden

the door is shut

like it always has been

it feels like i haven’t talked to them in forever

is it always going to be this way

is it always going to be how we work as a family

or will i maybe feel the love

that all children are supposed to feel from their parents

i know they love me

but when you spend all your time alone

within your own thoughts

it’s hard to believe that anyone is truly there

i walk through life alone

wondering when i’ll stubble into the hands of someone else

no one knows how bad i am again

but i don’t wish to worry them

i don’t want to end up where i fear i’m destined to be

where i am laying still

where my hair falls freely with the weight of the world

where my eyes have drifted shut

where my voice goes quiet

and my heart goes flat

tears might be shed but my soul is free

[nobody-is-home69]

i don’t really know how to feel anymore

i’ve gotten so used to it

it’s been years since i’ve felt in it

that now i’m not living

but rather in a constant state of survival

was i ever living

was i a conscious child

or did i always just feel distant

almost unreal

like i am a monster within my own skin

like i am far from being human

i look at my hands

i look at my face in the mirror

i am not me

she is not me

how does she move

how does my brain control the body that i don’t want

how does my brain disconnect

but still be connected enough for me to survive

my head feels like it’s spinning

my soul feels like it’s disappearing

am i sinking into the hole

i fought so hard to get out of

i don’t feel real

have i ever felt real

i truely don’t want to be here anymore

but a grain of sand can not be taken

with out it disturbing the grains around it

[nobody-is-home69]

I self sabotage any relationship I have with people bc I know in the end they are better without me in their lives

[nobody-is-home69]

~TW~

i’m scared i’m going to attempt again soon

[nobody-is-home69]

if vapes won’t a thing

would i have been your first choice

[nobody-is-home69]

will i ever feel like im enough

[nobody-is-home69]

where has everyone gone

the same loneliness eats me alive

one day it will eat me until i unalive

i’m sorry

i’m sorry if i’m a bother,

a burden perhaps.

i’m sorry if i’m not enough,

or if i’m too much.

i know i’m annoying

i’m sorry.

you guys don’t deserve this

go on with your lives,

i promise i will always cheer you on.

i’m not a jealous person,

no matter how much it hurts

i will always wish the best for you

no matter how much blood bleeds from me

i will always help you wipe yours up

until i am a puddle,

a puddle of my own mess.

i will forever help you all

i will pull myself out

just to wipe away any tears that threaten,

to fall from your beautiful eyes.

you will never be hated by me

i will always be here

but you go on now

leave me here

i’ll be back when you need me again,

i’ll be back when you need your wounds cleaned,

ill be back when your eyes need wiping,

or when your arms feel lonely,

i will hold you

i will play with your hair until my fingers go numb

and your eyes drift shut

you are safe within my arms

i will hold you forever.

endlessly my heart pours for you.

[nobody-is-home69]

~TW ED~

my mum got the word calories stuck in my head again

now it is all i can think about whilst i try and eat

i don’t feel hungry anymore

[nobody-is-home69]

~TW~

therapy’s over i don’t have someone to share my thoughts with anymore, so i process them alone again, that was the reason i was brought to therapy, yet here we are 4 years later, doing the same things to cope, the only major thing that has changed is i’m now on medication so most of my days are good but the bad ones suck just as worse if not worse then before, i haven’t attempted in a long time and i’m proud of myself for that, but it just makes me stressed because when am i bound to try again.

[nobody-is-home69]

i’m scared that once school is over

everyone will walk away from me

i’m scared i’ll have no one

i fight to get out of this hole

but i find myself always slipping back into

even if it’s just for a day

for a week or for years

the cycle continues

i’m tired

my body is tired

but most of all my soul is tired

am i finally shutting down

or is there a glimpse of fight still left in me

the more the cycle repeats

the more i feel drained

is there going to be a day that i feel normal

a day were i don’t intentionally isolate myself

where i don’t intentionally make myself sad

i’m not sure

but i’m scared

[nobody-is-home69]

~TW ed~

my mother knows i struggle with food

the word eating disorder slips into context

she knows that i struggle with food

yet she still decided to tell me i had enough calories

i’m fighting to get better

everyday i challenge my brain

yet she always reminds me

maybe i’ll never get better

every word she utters sticks in the back of my mind

as i struggle to push back the tears

that she seems to cause

from the way she talks about my body

to the way she tells me i’ve had enough food

i thought it would be different

i thought it would be easier

i thought she changed

but i’m reminded of her wicked ways

maybe she sees it as not a big deal

but if she saw just a second in my brain

i think she’d be quick to change her ways

or maybe she wouldn’t

no one is for sure

i’m destroying myself

she may be helping

she is not to blame

as it is my brain that is poisoned

[nobody-is-home69]

my brother just saw me trying to stop breathing

i don’t know how long you were standing there

i’m sorry

[nobody-is-home69]

i’m crying like a baby

but this time i’m not getting soothed by my mother, lulled back to sleep and kissed on the head

but rather she is the reason my tears fall from my eyes

[nobody-is-home69]

i’ll sip alcohol to soothe my mind