noturbinary-blog

[noturbinary-blog]

OKAY! HEY!

So I just read something that said people questioning their gender should keep a gender journal, so that is what this site will be. Yesterday I got my haircut. It looks so so so much better than it did for the past two weeks so I am so happy. I realized that the salon I was going to really tried to make my short hair “feminine” even thought I never said I wanted that, they just assumed because they perceived me as a lady (gag). So anyway, my hair is more masc now and I feel so much more comfy in my skin. That being said, now I feel like I want to wear more make up/ dress more femme? But then I think and I am like no but I really dont? I feel like I keep falling back on my partner’s words saying that he wouldn’t be attracted to me if I was a trans man because he is not gay (which again totally makes sense). But now I keep finding myself very aware of looking masculine because I am worried he will lose interest or be disgusted with me. Ugh. Also, my partner has shown me a few face book “flashbacks” lately that are me with makeup and long hair and he says I looked so pretty on this day etc. and I agree. I did look pretty but what if I do not want to look pretty now, pretty isnt something I resonate with. That brings me to worry about leaving prettiness behind BUT THEN, I think, WHY IS MAKEUP AND LONG HAIR PRETTY? WHY IS FEMME PRETTY? UGH WHY CANT I FEEL PRETTY WHEN I LOOK MORE MASC? 

Hopefully I will elaborate more in the future, but I am tired now.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning which I am so excited for, I haven’t been in since last December. Topics up for discussion: Adult ADHD and Gender questions/dysphoria (though I have a feeling this blog will help). 

PEACE FOLKS, please spread love and research your candidates for the upcoming election. Vote out the hate

[noturbinary-blog]

people have always been gay, people have always been trans, there have always been lesbians, and women who love women, and men who love men, and third genders, and alternate genders, and history and people have always been significantly less heterosexual than you ever could have thought

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[noturbinary-blog]

here confused

here here

here

but really

cute

no

but really

here here 

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This artwork is by Elly Smallwood, it does not in any way belong to be this is simply a screen shot. (Elly is one of my favorite artists and I simply discovered her on Instagram, y’all should check her out)

Today was good, but so fucking hard. I am not sure if what I am feeling is dysphoria but it is not a good feeling, maybe depression as well? I guess there is one thing that keeps going through my mind. One week into posts and I will tell you I am dating a cis straight man- way to go on keeping that to myself, I know. 

Anyway, this weekend we were having an amazing time celebrating 3 years together, but then he decided to bring up how I have started to identify as queer. He as a person is so so open and accepting of everyone and is always wanting to learn more (pronouns, lingo, etc), BUT he misunderstood something I said a while back about feeling more masculine as me being a trans man. The way this was worded was by him saying he was worried about our future because if I was a trans man we could not be together because he is not into guys. AND THIS IS TOTALLY LEGIT AND UNDERSTANDABLE. But as I usually do, I shut down, said no I am not a dude, I am just me and kinda swayed the conversation (mind you we were at a restaurant so not prime place for deep convo). Anyway I am just so so so so so scared that if I tell him I think  that I am simply a humxn and possibly non-binary that he will not want to continue our relationship with fear of the future??  The thing is, at this point anyway, I do not want to transition in anyway I just want to use they/them pronouns and identify as queer and not be called a girl or a woman, or Ms. (I’m a student teacher so ugh at schools that require Ms/Mr). So should I be worried? I am not sure. I just fucking love him so much and he loves me so I feel like however I identify shouldn’t matter but if it does to him, is it worth it??

 ((Also we are thinking about living together next year and long story but to live where we want to for cheap we would have to be in a domestic partnership which is a big step and I need to figure my own shit out before I commit to him but I want to commit to him so I just really need to talk to him but I do not want this talk to end our relationship, cry)). 

So, these things are always rolling through my head. But to add to that the cohort that I am a part of held a circle today, a community building and healing circle which was amazing. But I simply do not feel like I am being myself with them. Also there is a member of this cohort who led me to have my AHA moment of questioning my gender further. Their name is Bay (changed for privacy duh) and they use they/them pronouns and they had to use circle time to talk about correct pronoun usage, BUT IT’S NOT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. And I am so worried for the life ahead of me if I come out and have to always be correcting people which I probably wont do because I am shy and non-confrontational and cry-y. 

After class though, I approached Bay and asked if they wanted to/would be available to talk about queer things anytime because I have never been part of the queer community but have always felt a pull like I needed to be and I think I am finding myself now. So I kinda want to smile but also want to cry. 

In the end I am proud of myself for approaching Bay. I am happy I am writing here. My mind is full of good but overwhelming thoughts. But the weather is beautiful and I am okay. 

[noturbinary-blog]

(Artwork is by me, KC, please do not use this image in any way shape or form without my permission, thank you) 

Hello! I am not sure what I am doing except expressing my feelings that have swirling around in my head on the internet, sounds like a good idea. 

So I suppose I will introduce myself. I am KC, I might change that so that my identity will become more or less concealed. The main reason I want it to be concealed is because I am not sure what will amount from this blog or this feeling in my head so I do not want to say anything to permanent. ANYWAY. My name is KC and I am a person trying to figure out my identity, gender specifically. Further than that, I love making art, cooking (vegan things), exercizing (all sorts), being around people I love, education and educating, and bb pups (and really all pups that ever exist). 

The reason I am making this blog is because of my confusion and possible dysphoria around my perceived gender and possibly personal gender identity. The thing is, I am 22 years old and I feel like I have already made someone out of myself, I have met most of the people I will meet (okay maybe that is not true), and I have a partner whom I intend to spend a very long time with but who does not know any of these thoughts are going on in my head (also maybe they do because I am not very good at keeping things inside, but I have not said anything straight out to them). 

Also I will call my partner Sam and use they/them pronouns to keep their identity/my public identity private. I will say that Same is straight and cisgender, which makes a bit of a difference in my feelings about myself. OKay......

I think that is all I will say for now, but I could go on for a while... so I will be back soon. 

Peace, KC