notyetaghost

[notyetaghost]

The need to eat

Is killing me

    

The hunger is no longer

I am starving where i stand

    

The teeth in my mouth are gone

They have left for my stomach

    

I am empty and shallow

And that is why i die

    

This is a killing hunger

I slowly die from inside

[notyetaghost]

My existence solely in corporeal form

Is disgusting to me

    

I am weighted down my mortality

Chained to this planet

By a sack of bones and meat

    

It is stifling and distressing

That i cannot exist outside this shape

    

I would prefer to be something intangible

For i cannot stand the unforgiving weigh

    

Make me wind

Make me fire

Make me exist by the ideas in my head

    

I would rather be reborn as joy

Reshape me to be the energy of life

    

A fully corporeal existence

Has only ever caused me strife

[notyetaghost]

Love me wrong

If you cannot love me right

    

In all the ways the world would hate

Love me like you choose too

If you believe you are undeserving 

I don’t

    

I know you too well

To think that you don’t deserve more

Love me like you would your last drawing

    

If it is with annoyance and fondness

Love me that way

I do not care how you do it

Nor how perfect it may me

    

There is no wrong way

As long as you love

    

So love me wrong

Love me as the water loves the flame

Love me as the paper loves the pen

Love me as the dead man loves the grave

    

I think you are worthy of love

I think you are more than enough

If you cannot deem your love right

Then love me wrong

[notyetaghost]

In it’s silence there is art

Ever watching and ever listening

    

It stares at me from above

Ever pale in a constant serene

    

In your divine knowledge

You continue to guide me

    

You are surrounded by others

They seem to outshine you

    

Yet among all others

There is none that shine like you

[notyetaghost]

With my blood in your mouth

Remove my flesh from the bone

    

You can kill me if you wish

Remove my heart from my chest

It belongs to you

    

In life and death i am yours

My love will never die

    

Look me in my face

And tell me you love me only

Stab me in the back and leave

I am still yours

    

I see what you are

I choose to love you regardless

    

So if your nature

Should cause you to turn on me

Know that i love you

[notyetaghost]

I want a friend

A true friend, soul kindred to mine

Not a person who sees the surface

But someone who wants me inside

    

I can tell that

In the eyes of others

I am replaceable and not alike

    

I wish for a person

Who does not feel like this

I want warmth and companion

    

A person to share sorrow and joy

I do not wish to be lonely

But i feel trapped

    

I am in bubble in my mind

And i do not think i can leave

    

To have a true friend

Entails showing one’s true self

I have no done that before

Truthfully i don't think i can

[notyetaghost]

Oh the joy of woman

Even in utter anguish

I expect my sorrows

To be beautiful

    

What use is it

If i am not pretty

When i am in tears

    

If one was to see me

Truly see my person

In its hideousness

    

They would cast me aside

For my image in not becoming

The expected nature

Of those sharing me sex

[notyetaghost]

I find myself unable

To express emotion with a face

    

Every action i take

Every word i speak absent of feeling

I can never display emotion

If it can be traced back to my face

    

Even when i am unknown

A faceless entity among many

I cannot bear to remove my mask

    

I fear i am too apathetic for life

 And yet i can only show a glimpse

Of the little passion i feel

Through flowery words and poetry

    

Seemingly meaningless metaphors

Are my only respite from apathy

[notyetaghost]

I hate when they say

It’s not that deep

The ground may be shallow

But i yearn to dig

    

I do not tell you

I am in search of gold

But there is something more

Hiding behind the earth

   

I may hid bedrock

Before a man could blink

But if there is something

A possibility of being unearthed

    

It is deep enough 

It is never too shallow to dig

[notyetaghost]

Am i just a doll on a shelf?

Am i a painting on the wall?

The way you treat me

I cannot be anything more

    

An object should be pretty

If it is to be on display

An object should be valuable

If not it’s not worth time of day

    

Do you see me as more

Than a property to possess?

When you look at me

Do you think i am valuable?

Do you think im worthy

    

An object should be useful

At least to some degree

If i lost my utility

You would not value me

    

An object should be worth something

Time, energy, money, maybe more

If i am to become worthless

You would find someone more

    

I am human

At least appearance wise

A sack of meat and thoughts

What is the value of that?

[notyetaghost]

I always wonder

If there is a god

Why did he create me

If not to laugh

    

For others he listens

He hears their pleas 

And he obliges their wishes

    

But for me

I beg and beg

I scream and cry at his altar

He hears this and blocks his ears

    

If there is a god 

Why did he create me

If  he chooses to ignore me

    

He ignores my thanks

He ignore my ignores my insults

He never considers my pleas

    

If there is a god

He does not love me

[notyetaghost]

Maybe we aren’t always right for each other

Maybe we’re the stars in the sky

Maybe we’re nothing but the empty void

Maybe we are vessels of marvel

Maybe we were only meant for friendship

Maybe we were meant for more

Maybe we aren’t always right for each other

Maybe we’re soulmates

[notyetaghost]

If you are going to kill me

Can you please do it slowly

    

Let me feel every inch of the knife

I want to feel the breath being stolen

Please give me time

To apologize for bleeding on your shirt

    

I need to know that you loved me

At least enough to take your time

A poison can be fast acting

A hitman can leave no trace

    

But i need to see your eyes 

I need to know it’s you when i die

If you are going to kill me

Please do it slowly

[notyetaghost]

The window is open

All you must do is jump

    

Close your eyes

Count to three

This must be done

If we wish to still be

    

The doors are rattling

There are shouts on the other side

In this small room

There is nowhere to hide

    

Close your eyes

Count to three

Pretend that beyond the window

Holds endless glee

    

The shouts are getting louder

There is no time to spare

Close your eyes

And take the leap

[notyetaghost]

Contempt as much as my heart allows

Regard as much as my brain permits

Envy as much as my soul tolerates

    

Must i beg permission of you

Plead so you may let me feel

The numbness of existence

I cannot see the end from begin

    

I am on my knee like a devotee

I adjure at your altar

You are gone and departed

Please leave my head

    

Did you not take enough while here

That your shadows still wish bleed me dry

I feel nothing towards existence

Yet a myriad towards you

[notyetaghost]

The fact you care

For the opinions of others

On the ethics of your existence

    

Is what keeps you drowning

In the mediocrity you are found in

     

What you do is determined 

Always by what they think of you

You obsess over them

    

Their words, their thoughts

Their interests and opinions

And you further entrap yourself

In the tar of monotony

    

Do you not wish to breathe?

And to do it just for yourself

To throw yourself into creation

Promoting the joy of your entity

     

Is the skin you wear not tight?

Is the mask you’re behind not uncomfortable?

Do you not wish to breathe?

     

To live 

And to do it just for yourself

[notyetaghost]

This is a cycle 

One with no end in sight

Every time you restart it

You regret your life

    

Others have passed through it

And they seem somewhat fine

But the dread in my soul

It feels too different

Like it could eat me alive

    

A monotonous repeat

Day in and day out

Just one more hour

Just one more day

And then you can get out

    

It feels less like a cycle

More like a sisyphean task

I keep restarting 

Thinking that this time

I shall get what i lack

    

When will this end

Because i am so tired

Of the seemingly endless days

Melding together

Trapped in their sorrowful haze