nyx-asher

[nyx-asher]

Watching you smile as if nothing is wrong, acting as if everything will be okay.

While I sit here picking up the pieces of myself that you broke off of me, trying to ignore the holes that'll never be closed because you destroyed the pieces that should have filled them

Has been the hardest thing I have ever done

[nyx-asher]

"you know what really sucks?"

"what?"

" watching videos of happy couples together, while your long term relationship fails and falls apart. So now you're dealing with the crushing realization that the person you wanted to spend your life with isn't the person you're going to spend your life with by eating ice at 7 am with a fork because you don't even have the mental capacity to wash a spoon."

[nyx-asher]

He's never going to know peace again because he took mine from me.

[nyx-asher]

" What scares you about moving in with me? Are you scared of me? "

This is a different kind of scared.

The kind of scared that makes my bones ache.

The kind of scared that makes it hard to breathe.

The kind of scared that makes every muscle in my body tremble.

Everything in me is screaming to run but if I keep running the quicksand will swallow me and I'll just be stuck forever.

But I can't out run the memories that chase me every day

The same memories that caused this fear

The same memories that caused my ribs to never fully heal

The same memories that cause the panic that makes my chest tight

The same memories that caused my body to shake

But you aren't what I'm scared of.

I'm scared of the man that plagues my mind,

The one I wish could be removed with a surgery

The one that haunts my nightmares.

The thing that scares me, will always scare me

My brain will always give me flashbacks to those wretched days.

But I don't want to run from you

Just my memories

[nyx-asher]

What if I never loved you?

Well...

Maybe my soul wouldn't ache for you...

[nyx-asher]

You never wanted me like I wanted you...

I wanted your heart and soul..

You wanted my body.

[nyx-asher]

I wish we never touched

because my body wouldn't crave you like it does...

[nyx-asher]

I wish I could've met you at the right time but you were the wrong person

That would have been far less painful…

[nyx-asher]

As I lie here wishing I could of kept you.

Wondering where I went wrong.

Wondering if I had done one thing differently, would you still be here.

I am reminded of how cruel the universe was to us.

[nyx-asher]

Oh how I wish you'd visit me like you visit my dreams. Waking is torment, when just seconds ago I was holding you, but now I lie in an empty bed wishing my fingers would brush against your face again

[nyx-asher]

You tasted like honey and ash but your touch felt like needles and shattered glass.

[nyx-asher]

I lay here trapped in my own head, tangled in thoughts. While you lay there tangled in the arms of another.

[nyx-asher]

You broke me over and over until I laid shattered at your feet.

Now I have shattered you.

Not in the same way.

You broke me out of fear.

I broke you out of strength.

I watched you crumble as you realized I never needed you.

[nyx-asher]

I saw you today.

You looked tired but happy.

Your hazel eyes that used to hold me captive for hours on end, now watched your boots tap together as I walked by.

Your curls disheveled from a long shift and your hands running through them nervously.

You're smile fell as I felt your gaze on my face.

I didn't dare look at you.

But I saw you.

The freckles and moles that splattered your face.

Your muscles tensing as I walked through the door.

I didn't dare look at you.

You felt fragile, like our eyes meeting would have broken you.

Or maybe it would have broken me and I was the fragile one.

I saw you today, and that hurts more than it used to

[nyx-asher]

Oh how I miss you. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. Your scent. Your warmth. Everything that was a part of you. You're eyes held all the mysteries in the stars. Your smile brought out my inner joy. Your scent lingered on my pillows, and brought comfort to me. You're warmth eased the deep ache in my soul.

[nyx-asher]

Oh, how I wish the pain of missing you would ebb.

3 years you've been gone,

Yet the ache is still as big as it was the day you left

[nyx-asher]

The second I saw you, I knew I was in love with you.

But now I sit damning your name.