nyxwords

[nyxwords]

“Insecure”

I haven’t been a lady in years.

But the trained remains ingrained.

As I worry for posture,

As I worry for look.

My weight, my eating,

My stomach,

My feelings.

I think perhaps my greatest fear,

Is that when I lay dying,

I would worry if my tears looked ugly.

[nyxwords]

“A Healthy Relationship”

I want to love with you,

I want to laugh with you.

I want to smile with you,

I want to feel happy with you.

But just as much,

I want to get sick with you.

I want to cry with you,

I want to fail with you,

I want to feel the worst with you.

It doesn’t have to be perfect.

I just want to be human with you.

[nyxwords]

TW: CSA/Parental Abu$e

“Patricide”

Not at fault,

The tiny one.

True to blame,

The patron side.

Knowing is to read it,

Believing is to feel it.

Oh, genetic sire,

I was just a child.

[nyxwords]

“Sugar”

Sugar is more addictive than cocaine.

Handfuls more.

You develop a taste for it. A need.

A dependency.

Just as any other sweet,

I had relied on you for love.

How easy it is to crave a rarity,

For it feels more valuable.

I developed a taste for the words,

I savored the feel of violence and bits of broken glass on my tongue.

I longed for the bite and sting in my cheeks.

No matter the bleeding.

I developed a taste. A need.

A dependency.

[nyxwords]

“To Feel Like a Poor Partner”

I know I do not always understand.

I’m sorry I can’t read your face like others.

I know I do not show my love like you.

I’m sorry I can’t tell what type of comfort that you need.

I know I do not always get it.

I never learned how to love.

But I am figuring it out for you.

Please believe me when I say I do.

I do, I do, I do.

[nyxwords]

“A Hope for You; Well Wishes”

I hope one day, you find the courage to do that scary thing.

I hope one day, you see your reflection, and you really, truly smile.

I hope one day, you learn to speak with your chest.

I hope one day, you apologize to you for all that silly self loathing you believe.

I hope one day, you can be happy on Monday.

I hope one day, you dance without a care.

I hope one day, you say “I’m beautiful”, and mean it.

I hope one day, you see that you are special.

Scratch that, sorry;

I know.

[nyxwords]

‘Comparisons’

Apples to oranges.

You to me.

Doesn’t quite fit right, does it?

I much prefer the sound

Of diamonds to rocks.

For you are far prettier than I’ll ever be.

[nyxwords]

‘i am not a poet’

I am not a poet,

Although I wish I was.

Despite how I yearn the skill to speak gold into existence,

The way hundreds before me have changed lives with their lines.

My voice will not carry over the masses,

Nor my thoughts leave a crater of impact in the language of my life.

I am not a poet,

But god dammit,

I write for it anyway.