our-autistic-experience - Tumblr blog

[our-autistic-experience]

ok so hey guys. If you follow me you probably have realized that I haven’t been on for a while - my parents found out that I’m nb and have tumblr (when I’m technically not supposed to) and am banned from my computer and tumblr (using a friends phone to post this). In short, just wanted to update am counting down until I can move out and rejoin y’all but for now unfortunately am not able to be on at the moment.

if you guys have any experiences or questions regarding autism, you can still send them in, it just might be a bit before I’m able to get around to it

[our-autistic-experience]

As an Autistic Person, I really struggle to complete tasks while I am being watched...

Neurodivergent_lou

[our-autistic-experience]

the problem with autism is sometimes you want to do something (brave) but you need someone to gently walk you through each step so you know what will happen. and people don’t like doing that

[our-autistic-experience]

finally took this autism test that seems to be very popular....not super surprised

for reference, here's the link, i really like this test and think that it provides a lot of information/insight on different autistic aspects

[our-autistic-experience]

hello @a-secret-inner-life! i'm an autistic teen who tries to spread autism awareness and help people, and obviously i don't know everything about autism, but this does sound quite a bit like you might be autistic

a lot of what you wrote sounds a lot like my own experience with autism, and while it definitely sounds like there's some anxiety and possible ocd/adhd mixed in there, i would personally encourage you to talk to a professional about it and ask if you can get officially tested

again, i don't know everything about autism and i'm not someone who can officially diagnose you, but it does sound an awful lot like you display a lot of autistic traits

I came across a lot of stuff that I could relate to about autism while researching for a paper, which led me to do more research on autism in general. I saw some other people doing this type of post on here, so: autistic people, can you please read my super long and detailed list of possible symptoms I experience and tell me if it seems like I'm one of you? I'm trying to be objective and reasonable and figure out what's going on with myself here.

Sensory Stuff

I like to stim–bouncing my legs, tapping my feet when I sit, occasionally swinging my legs or rocking. I also clench my fists or sit on my hands a lot and tap my fingers on things, or just fiddle with whatever is in front of me. Recently, I count while touching my thumb to each of my fingertips to calm down because someone in a book I read did that and it actually does help me. I also sing the alphabet song repeatedly when I'm working on my website.

Sometimes when I'm very tired or overwhelmed my face feels itchy and I feel like every strand of hair touching me prickles and itches and leaves a red spot (but it doesn't actually).

I have a strong hatred for perfume because it smells too strong and fakey, and citrus scents also drive me nuts, but I really like scented candles.

I'm a super picky eater, although I'm not as bad as when I was a kid. I don't mind the taste of tomatoes, peppers, or onions in things, but I'm still a little grossed out when I know I'm eating them, and the texture of onions freaks me right out, as an example.

I get startled easily. Loud noises don't actually scare me, they just jolt me out of whatever thought space I was in before I heard them.

I also get overwhelmed whenever someone tries to talk to me in a loud car (whether it's loud with other people or just the engine), and I find it overwhelming and incredibly difficult to concentrate when more than one person is talking at once. Whenever I'm in a crowd, it just sounds like this vague roar that gets louder the more I think about it, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Still, I'm good at tuning some things out in select circumstances, like the TV when it's on.

Finally, if I pay attention at pretty much any time when there isn't a ton of other noise, I can hear ringing in my ears. This isn't usually upsetting, and I know it's fairly common for anyone to get tinnitus from time to time, but I'm not sure if most people experience it this much.

Social Stuff

I can not handle eye contact.

I'm also really, really, comically bad at social interactions. I almost never speak to someone I don't know well before they speak to me, and my go-to conversation method is to laugh/giggle and nod, I literally can not make actual conversation to save my life. Sometimes I think of things to say but it doesn't occur to me to say them, or I try to but I'm scared and can't find an opening, or I do say the thing and people don't react the way I want them to (usually it's either confusion or disinterest).

Old ladies are my favorite people because they're the least scary somehow. I also love kids, but I'm still awkward so I rarely interact and probably still freak them out.

I'm horrible at keeping contact and I wait until I know people are offline to reply to their messages because conversation is stressful and I need time to think when I text. Group chats are a nightmare, so I pretty much ghost everyone when I'm in one.

I'm super attached to my family, though. I make an effort to create a deep bond with each of my siblings, and I'm the clingiest person in the world when it comes to my older sister.

I value people very deeply, which might be why I find them so intimidating. I love them and I want them to be happy, and I put too much pressure on the situation.

I used to hate being alone, and I still feel guilty or sad whenever I spend too much time by myself, although I actually love to be by myself, a lot of my hobbies and favorite places are solitary, and I usually prefer figuring things out on my own rather than having somebody right there trying to figure it out with me.

I'm incredibly empathetic. It's not like I can automatically sense people's emotions, but I do make an effort to pay attention and understand what they're feeling and why they feel that way. My siblings come and rant to me a lot, and I can be a good diplomat and see both points of view when they argue. I also care, and I always want to make people feel better, though it obviously doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm too empathetic, or maybe too creative, and I stress out about what someone might be feeling when I don't know if it's an actual issue or not.

Patterns and Stuff

I've always been good at remembering my parents’ phone numbers and our zip code, as well as my friends’ birthdays. I work at a grocery store where I find myself reciting the regular customers’ lottery numbers in my head as they're saying them to me.

My dad used to have a verbal checklist of what to bring to work each morning, and I still recite it every time I hear the words “wallet” and “keys” next to each other. Same goes for my old morning checklist that I don't even follow anymore.

I don't adhere to a strict routine in terms of the general structure of my day, but I definitely have a system or pattern for a lot of my specific activities.

Emotional Stuff

I've been obsessed with drawing and painting for as long as I can remember. I write all the time. I think I dedicated myself and a huge chunk of my life to my hobbies. If I like something, I like to think that I make it my own, and that thing permeates who I am.

When I first started listening to BTS, I scoured literally the entire Internet to find every possible hidden track any of the members ever touched, and there were A LOT. Lately I've been obsessed with Keeper of the Lost Cities, and I can't stop talking about the books. I'm also hyper fixated on Tomorrow X Together.

When I start something, I need to finish it, and I'll often think I'm so close to being done only to continue on it for several more hours, trying to hurry up and finish because I need to get it done now. I'm also pretty bad at switching tasks. I try to multitask, but it doesn't really work out.

I can easily forget about my own physical needs; particularly I don't usually realize when I'm hungry. Overall my needs are very flexible to the people around me; if you want to eat together, suddenly I'm hungry, if you don't feel like stopping, neither do I.

I'm a perfectionist, but I hate asking for help. This is especially true when it comes to my grades and my hobbies. I'm more comfortable when I can control the variables and nobody has to know if I fail.

I'm pretty sure I have executive dysfunction because I put so much pressure on doing things perfectly that I lose the motivation to do them at all, and as much as I need to get something done, I can't make myself do it.

Since I was little I've always been awkward and out of place. I feel like I take up too much space. Honestly, I feel like my existence is lame and embarrassing. I hate myself.

I absolutely suck at decision making, sometimes because I don't want to choose something that other people won't like and partially because I'm just really indecisive. Often I feel stuck or paralyzed because I can't choose one way or another.

Along those same lines, the responsibility of being told to do something for someone else is terrible, and I hate doing these things without incredibly specific instructions because I'm scared of messing up.

I also need to know exact details of whatever activity I'm doing before I do it, and I hate when something big isn't planned out in detail.

I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I’d yell and cry and throw things when I was upset. This still happens sometimes, but not as frequently or as badly.

I feel guilty about everything, including mistakes from years ago that shouldn't matter anymore. This makes me feel sort of unworthy (?), like anything good I do is the bare minimum and if I cause a problem (through anxiety or executive dysfunction) that messes up a project, I feel like I have to do everything else perfectly to make up for it, although I usually end up feeling like I'm coddling myself instead.

I constantly compare myself to others. If someone else has a problem that's worse than what I deal with, I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own negative feelings.

I feel like none of my feelings are valid. I feel and think all sorts of dramatic things that seem like the end of the world, but compared to others, my problems are small, and I feel stupid for having them. I almost wish I had a bigger issue or more dangerous mental problems that would make my responses more reasonable, but my logical side knows that this thinking is wrong.

I've been dealing with off and on burnout since I was around twelve years old (so about five years). I've been told over and over that my mindset is wrong and I need to do a million things better mentally to be less of a perfectionist, but I don't have the energy to put in any effort whatsoever to fix myself. I still get random bursts of motivation that last for short periods of time, though.

Sometimes when I go to bed after a stressful day, I wake up in the morning and I have this uncontrollable dread about starting my day. The thought of getting up sounds impossible, and it's almost like there's something sitting in my chest keeping me down.

[our-autistic-experience]

I’m really scared that I’m becoming an unlikable person as I unmask. I’m more blunt, I talk more, I advocate for myself more and I’m perceived as argumentative when I’m just trying to offer my thoughts/ explain myself. I make sure not to actively be an asshole, so it’s really more just my tone and the social norms that shouldn’t really matter.

I see people give me looks of annoyance when I speak. The exasperation when I finally work up the courage to actually ask a question.

It’s really freeing to not have to think so hard about my every breath or word in social settings but I still really want people to like me. I guess I need to accept that not everyone will, that’s just how it is, but it makes things hard because then those people will treat you shitty.

And then I wonder… is it just my fault? Maybe I should go back to masking. Maybe it’s not worth it to ‘be myself’ or whatever if it will bring ridicule. Even though there’s that crushing, continuous weight that comes from having to conceal parts of myself, maybe I need to just deal with that so I can get along with others.

But I’m also not sure that I COULD go back now.

[our-autistic-experience]

reblogging from this account because being autistic plays a HUGE role in the amount of hugs i get. i get overstimulated way super easy, mostly from sound and touch, and hugs are mostly a huge no-no for me - i HATE being touched, especially on my back. however, there is one singular person who i'm okay with being hugged by, but i mean, i'm a teenager and she's a teenager and so it's not like i can be like 'hey can i have a hug' all the time and also i overthink it all way too much like 'she's gonna think i'm asking for a hug too often' or 'it's weird for friends to hug each other' so i kinda put it off (asking for a hug) for months at a time because i don't want her to feel like i'm asking for them a ton, and as such i get a maximum of like...i dunno two hugs a month? (usually those ones are forced by my parents) in short, autistic sensory overload/overstimulation sucks, especially when you really really need a hug but you can't get one because you're scared to ask the one person you can actually tolerate it from

take your best guess at an average. also put in the tags if that’s also the preferable amount of hugs for you :)

[our-autistic-experience]

MASKING MYTHS BUSTED: “Masking = Acting NT.”

FALSE.

Autistic masking does not necessarily mean “pretending to be allistic/neurotypical," although you’d definitely be forgiven for thinking it does.

Non-autistic researchers have been referring to it as “camouflaging” for years, framing it as an intentional choice to suppress autistic traits and replace them with allistic ones in order to “blend in.” Doing an internet search on the term will return several similar results.

But now, Autistic researchers are in the game, and their take is much more nuanced and comprehensive than that. (Funny how that happens, isn’t it?)

They’ve found that:

- It CAN be intentional but is often subconscious and involuntary 

- It is a protective response to trauma and feeling unsafe 

- It is often about suppressing more than just autistic traits 

- It is about identity management and being able to predict how people will treat you, not just “blending in”

Some people will lean into being “the bad kid” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Some people will even act “more autistic” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Others still will do things to attract attention in controllable, more “acceptable” ways to avoid attracting attention in unsafe, more stigmatizing ways. Not because they WANT to be that way, but because it lets them predict people’s responses better, which feels safer.

Also, there are Autistic people who can’t “pass” for non-autistic no matter how hard they try. That doesn’t mean they’re not masking. They may actually be working hard to suppress A LOT, they just can’t do everything to neuronormative standards.

None of these people will be accused of “blending in,” yet they are still masking their hearts out. When we assume they are not, we miss all the harm that masking is causing them. But they are suppressing themselves and suffering the consequences of that just as much as any Autistic person whose mask successfully says, “Hey, I’m just like you!”

(For more on this, please see the work of Dr. Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose.)

[our-autistic-experience]

As an Autistic Person, I really struggle to complete tasks while I am being watched...

Neurodivergent_lou

[our-autistic-experience]

Autism and Boredom

Neurodivergent_lou (Facebook)

[our-autistic-experience]

Something I have realized after being diagnosed with autism is that I am never going to fit in with my peers. But what was even harder to accept was that I already didn’t.

When I was diagnosed in December, I felt like I was an outsider in my own community. I hadn’t been diagnosed early enough to fit in with those who were, but I also was diagnosed too early to fit in with those diagnosed in adulthood. I felt trapped and like I had lost a part of myself that I had never known existed.

Through my research of Autism Spectrum Disorder, I stumbled across a lot of influencers who were classified as late-diagnosed autistic. And for some reason, I felt like I could finally relate to somebody. But, these people were all adults? How could I possibly understand that?

Well, in an effort to find out if I fall under the umbrella of late-diagnosed autism, I found that anyone who is diagnosed at the age of 12 or older is considered late-diagnosed.

It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I finally understood why I was struggling so much and it made my struggles with mental health finally add up.

But then, I started to notice a lot more of the things people say about autism.

“That’s autistic”

“Stop being so acoustic”

“Oh I’m so autistic”

“____ is a little acoustic”

After hearing these things for weeks, I finally had enough. I shared a TikTok to my Instagram story. I didn’t think much of any negative feedback I would receive, and most people were incredibly supportive of me speaking out about something important to me.

But of course, I knew that not everyone would be this kind. The next day, I was sitting in my fifth period. I overheard a conversation between two girls. One of these girls I had already had problems with. I overheard them mocking my story, using my exact words.

I felt so angry, and I kindly asked my teacher to let me sit in the hallway.

I think this was the day I finally realized that some people aren’t willing to admit when they’re wrong. And to add salt to the wound, they used my words against me to make some kind of joke.

After that, I knew I had to do more.

So, I started this blog.

I hope I can spread more information about ASD and decrease the stigma surrounding it. Because some of the smartest people in history could have very well been autistic, and being autistic doesn’t make you stupid.

[our-autistic-experience]

yes yes YES

EVERY time i hang out with my friends (which is a rare occasion), i'm hating myself five minutes in because i just. can't. socialize.

there's been so many times when i just want to completely upend my life and go somewhere and purposefully leave all my friends behind and not make any others because it'd just be easier

because then i wouldn't have to socialize, so i could be happier and less tired

autistic friends how do you Not hate yourself for not being able to socialise normally. like I'm miserable right now and it's because I can't socialise normally, don't see how/if I'll ever find someone to marry and can't see the point in trying to befriend people because I always fail every time and simply annoy people; even my friends have got tired of having me hang around All The Time because i just Can't Socialise

not just autistic folks but I know this is very much related to autism for me

any advice or encouragemnet or prayers or what have you, appreciated

[our-autistic-experience]

i am autistic and love making lists that have sections, sub-sections, sub-sub-sections, etc

but i'm also adhd and physically cannot read lists despite how short they may be, including my own which is kind of a problem sometimes

this is fine 🥲

[our-autistic-experience]

this was me up until the eight/ninth grade

i could/can still solve math equations/problems quickly, but sometimes it takes a LOT more time to actually move from one to the next because the brain won't brain and focus on it but once i focus it's so great

i used to be able to do all these things, i would read a ton (now i am unable to as much), would understand things in class (i struggle a lot more now because my brain simply won't work), have always gotten straight a's and not really known failure (mostly because i am absolutely terrified of being seen as anything other than the 'golden student', which causes tons of stress and anxiety and worsens my depression), and i would always ask for extra homework (now i can barely keep up with what i have)

shout out to those who struggle with learning

shout out to those who learning comes naturally and easier to you

shout out to those who used to struggle with learning but now are able to pick things up quickly

shout out to those who used to be the top of their class/be able to learn quick, but now struggle to do the bare minimum and understand what everyone else seems to see as 'simple' when it comes to education

shout out to everyone, because you are doing great no matter how you learn

Everyone is always talking about how everyone learns at their own pace, but that only seems to apply to folks who learn slower so here we go

Shout out to folks who learn quick

To folks who solve their math problems in five seconds

To folks who read the entire book series in a day

To folks who understand things first in science

To folks who get straight A's

To folks who don't know failure

To folks who are assigned extra work

[our-autistic-experience]

nuerotypical people, i am not your fucking pet, autism isn't "silly" or "funny" or "cute" i literally want 2 rip my skin off when i can't read tone or when i touch something wet and squishy. i will shut down if i think i upset you. i will cut you out of my life if you're too overstimulating and step my boundaries. my special interests aren't something to be babied, and not wanting to be touched isn't just a quirk, my anger isn't okay to blow off just because i'm autistic, i'm still feeling these emotions. i am a real person. stop babying autistic people or treating them as a hand purse when you wanna say something problematic and back it up w, "i have an autistic friend/kid/sibling!"

sincerely, an autistic person who doesn't need your goddamn opinion on my disorder. 🌈♾️

[our-autistic-experience]

Another Autism Thing I don’t see mentioned outside the community is how fucking *tired* you get.

I was just telling my partner it feels like it takes 110% of my energy to do what should, I feel, only take 60%.

Like it takes a good chunk of my mental and emotional energy to get to the level of “functionality” that, for allistics, is their baseline.

Like I’m starting a few flights of stairs down from the ground floor every day. Except nobody seems to know how to fix it aside from “run faster,” or “get up earlier.”

(Note: I know the term “functional” is erroneous and largely driven by capitalism. I use the word to describe what seems to be needed to participate, even while I know it’s bullshit)

And the thing is, I can’t always pinpoint what exactly is draining me so!

Does anyone else experience this? If so, what are your thoughts?

[our-autistic-experience]

Coming to terms with the fact that society hates autistic people

I just saw some comments that were like "If you're autistic, neurotypical people hate you" and "growing up as autistic in our neurotypical society is almost always inherently traumatizing." And you know what? I absolutely agree. It really resonates with me to hear fellow autistic and generally neurodivergent people talk about the hate, rejection, misunderstanding, and even dehumanization we receive from most neurotypicals.

My entire childhood was spent being the "weird girl" until I got good enough at masking to fit in better. Even now, as an adult, I get negative comments from my own (neurotypical) parents when I display certain neurodivergent behaviors. My family is always like "that's so Katy" and shake their heads when I act "too" autistic and it feels so fucking patronizing. I've had negative experiences and even disciplinary action at jobs I've had for exhibiting neurodivergent behavior (usually related to my ADHD, but sometimes autism too). My entire fucking life I've been told by society to not act too much like myself or else I'll put everyone off.

And then you see people being sympathetic to the parents of autistic children who abuse or even kill them. "It's sad, but it's understandable" neurotypical people say. Videos of autistic children having meltdowns are full of people saying that they should be locked up because they're no better than animals. We're seen as a burden, a drain on society, who are only tolerated if we learn to act "normal" and don't make the neurotypicals uncomfortable. Autistic people are front and center in "cringe" compilations and are ruthlessly bullied.

If I'm being honest, I'm still unlearning a lot of ableist thoughts that were instilled in me growing up. I sometimes catch myself thinking that other autistic people are annoying, and I have to stop myself and think "Do you really find them annoying, or were you programmed to be dismissive of people who don't act neurotypically enough?"

Anyway, idk where I'm going with this text wall. The older I get, the more I become aware of how much I've been harmed by an extremely ableist society, and it breaks my heart that more neurodivergent kids are being taught to suppress their true selves the way I was.