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Violence and the aftermath

With many years of violent encounters, some going in my favour but mostly not, it's still something no normal functioning human can handle in the modern day and age.

My son having recently going through an attack has raised lots of memories and emotions , thankfully he is physically unscathed, but emotionally he has been hit hard.

The consequences of my violent upbringing ment me studying martial arts for many years and even working as a doorman for 2, yet that was cemented from a young age, a deep desire to ensure no one can hurt me again after years of abuse. I have no idea how this will effect my son and in what ways it will change him. I have no doubts it will change him forever in some way shape of form, the nature of the attack being in his own home will dictate certain safety measures moving forward, but psychologically, it's unpredictable!

We glorify violence so much in film that the reality of what really happens is even more of a shock, truly believing a guy can take on multiple foes with a few self defence classes is a myth that had been torn apart by reality , yet that still doesn't do much for the victims of violent attacks!

I hope that the 6 years of martial arts training I had pushed onto my boy will help him, it wasn't a karate class, it was a traditional class meaning everytime he was instructed to spar, he felt fear. He was hit very hard by people that knew how to hit many times and always found strength to fight through and stay standing. I hope this will be the case mentally also.

E. Plaistow

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The need to be honest with the young

Something I always struggled with when younger was getting things wrong! Especially publicly , growing up in the 80s ment mockery was brutal! However in that mockery I hardened and became very quick with a comeback. The same can be said for the mistake itself in that over time, through making mistakes I learned quickly and made less.

I often speak to my children when they make a mistake in a way that makes it ok, sometimes there is some lite banter/mockery in there too but it is talked through beforehand!

This is in stark contrast to the way I was brought up and I guess the transference of life lessons is still there, the difference is the sharp end of the spear isnt jabbed right into the situation.

What have I taken from my childhood and how is it applied is something I have been thinking about, because it seems a cultural norm nowadays to try to shield our children from making mistakes, certainly from any ridicule that might come with it and also to introduce our children to a world that tip toes around how we feel! I personally think that in doing this we are subjecting our children to a form of abuse! If I teach my children the world will be sensative to them then they are in for some very cruel and harsh truths when they go out into the world and try to carve a life out for themselves.

I work to buffer my children so to speak! I dont actively push them towards making mistakes, however there is an element of having to let them discover things for themselves. For all the dont do this and dont do that warnings I had from my peers growing up, the obvious ones like dont drink petrol are no brainers. However, theres lots I had to experience for myself in order to understand the warnings. The famous line of knowing something being knowledge but experiencing something gives you wisdom is so very true and we cannot send our children out into the world with knowledge and then not expect them to formulate that knowledge with experience to gain the wisdom required.

Telling our children they can be anything and do anything they want is not true and not right! My son will never be a king or a prince, he will also probably never be a famous basketball player as genetically there are just some people born with DNA that gives them massive advantages that he was not born with! However , being very very real and honest with him will at least set him up properly for anything he chooses to put his time and energy into. When my son said he wanted too be a writer, I asked him what he had written? When his response was he would start writing when he gets a job in writing!! I had to be brutally honest with him and tell him that if he wants something he has to put his time and energy into it and then things will flow from that. If he wanted to be a writer, he would be writing! That wasnt a deterant to stop him writing, I was just honest that if he went for a job as a writer he would be pitted against people that write about everything from the colour of the sky to the whiff of a dogs fart because that was there passion and so thats what they do, regardless. If I wanted beautiful photos taken of myself and my partner I would obviously employ someone that takes photos constantly, has invested in the right equipment as opposed to the guy that takes snaps at the weekend on his camera phone.

The education system does not help, as it works to fit you into boxes and doesnt work on teaching you genuine life skills. I personally think our children should be given free mandatory councelling after they finish school, to help them learn how to navigate themselves in the world.

E.Plaistow

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Modern movements

There is a cultural shift on a very grand scale in the west atm, none more so than in the USA, but this has as always sailed over to the UK, allbeit in a much smaller and less aggressive scale.

Its led me to ponder on the ideas that drive us , the ones that pick up momentum and large followings.

When I look back through history the vast majority of ideas came through the need to balance out society. Pushing through rights to the masses that before only applied to a select few. It seemed only natural that this would happen at some point in time, the only difference in the last few hundred years is that instead of the group being pushed down eventually rising up to overthrow those with the grip on power in the form of revolution and or civil war , we now have a democratic process and the worst case scenario is mostly protesting with the odd riot. The slaughter that used to be associated with wholesale change is seen now as brutal, thuggish and mindless.

The moment a group decides on this course of action they instantly loose support and the public no longer want to be associated with their movement! An active example of this is the BLM movement that has sweeped across the west in the last 3 months.

The movement had been simmering low key for a few years but had not really grabbed the attention of anyone that wasnt an activist. However, making the most of an opportunity and thanks to media behaving like a modern gerbles, they managed to muster lots of sympathy and support after the seemingly unjust death of a black man at the hands(or knee to be exact) of a white police officer.

When this first happened, the subsequent outrage caused the world to rise. This also intertwined with a global pandemic, peoples frustration and fears were given a focus. Yet after 3 months thankfully the bias narrative is coming apart due to technology and the ability to share information. I cant imagine what state we would be in right now if all narratives were controlled like it was back 80 years ago!

We are now seing the true nature of those screaming with outrage and their ideas as unpalletable, hardly anyone with any sense agrees with neither their demands nor how they think its ok to go about getting them.

In conversations I have had as well as my knowledge of past movements, it is the peaceful protests with reasonable request that have picked up steam amungst the masses. One can only wonder how bad things had gotten in history for the average person for them to rise and fight in the ways that they did! And also with chinese whispers , what did they think was actually going on in comparison to what was going on?! When I look at ghandis message and how he implemented his ideas as well as martin luther king, I see there was nothing unreasonable about what they were saying! Even with how bad things were for minority groups at the time. Neither of these men felt that in order for there to be balance that any one group should be destroyed, they just wanted the groups being pushed down to be up on the same footing as everyone else. Equal opportunity was the desire and I think even people in better positions agreed with this on the whole.

So what is it about todays movements that has changed? From my own perspective, it seems that society in the west has been picking up steam when it comes to moving in the right direction! Theres movements all across the western world that have accomplished their aims and things are better on average than they have ever been. Most of the unbalances are on a small scale now and if anything certain parts of our society arent functioning correctly through fear of hurting peoples feelings!

History shows there are always sections of society fuelled with rage, the younger people of society who are still trying to figure out how they fit with the landscape as well as those who have lived a life of luxury who are detactched from the realities of the average person , using popular movements they sympathise with in order to get out there and be heard, basically wanting to infuse meaning into their lives and so engage in things they dont fully understand nor support, we see this in the hypocrisy of people following the movement. Just recently watching lots of anti capitalism activists queing up at macdonalds, one of the biggest capitalist franchises in the world!!Racism is being called out when its not there, sexism and LGBT rights have gone off the deep end and it feels like the momentum of activism has ploughed forward with the same steam it had in the 70s through till the 80s without anything to really latch onto! And so they are projecting great outrage energy into the slightest transgression.

With all this going on I am wondering what great movements are left in the west that will grip society in the way antislavery, womens rights and gay rights movements have?! I guess it is hard for me to say, being a white male in the west gives me very little experience in comparison to people of colour or alternative sexual orientation. However I know I would be rejected by some members of family if I came out as gay, I cannot force people to change their feelings on the mater, the laws have already been adjusted and that hasnt changed peoples feelings!

The feelings people are screaming about right now arent things the average person can see or feel! When I grew up in the 80s, not only could I see and hear racism, I could genuinely feel it! It was woven into the fabric of our lives, it was shown on t.v , it was on and in our advertisements and was actively seen in peoples behavior, but that certainly isnt so in most of the west now. So when a minority of people scream racism over something small, the average person shrugs their shoulders or just ignores and moves on. It gathers no momentum and just falls flat on the streets.

What does seem to be happening atm is the platforms that shape and mould our perspective lense are screaming and shouting about a world that most of us cant see!! This is a genuine worry in that if you shout about anything long and hard enough it will become a truth.

One of the biggest monsters in the modern world for belief and putting that belief into action was adolf hitler was quoted “ if you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough , it will be believed”!!

And no matter what you may think of this man, it is undeniable that he was a master manipulator of people on a grand scale. He was able to convince very very ordinary people to do truly barbaric things with total conviction that what they were doing was right and just!

The plight of the average person in the west is nothing in comparison to the struggles of europe in the early part of the 20th century, yet with such enthusiasm the news narrative would have you think we are worse off. In my mind the biggest threat society faces right now, is the narratives we are being fed. Yet taking down an organisation is nothing like taking down a ruling tyrant hell bent on destruction! Like cutting the head of a snake and 2 replacing it, organisations gain power through ideas and the dismantling of ideas involves changing peoples hearts and minds, it is not something that can ever be achieved by bombs and bullets.

E.Plaistow

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Lazy think.....

How easy is it for us all to be lazy with our thinking?!

And from research I've dipped into, it's not even our fault that this happens, it's almost never intentional despite the fact we often convince ourselves it is.

The brain works in a way to simplify our stimulus through absolute necessity, otherwise there are far to many sensations to take in. It's easier to see this in action with things like sound and vision. Not so much when it comes to beliefs and culture.

It's easy for us in the west to look upon other parts of the world at a downward angle, as if through the collective decision making of democracy we are somehow better, happier, morally superior , more hygienic, better educated in the things that really matter and have a better grasp on what a "good life" is. For many years so strong was our belief that we sailed the 7 seas and imposed our self righteous belief system on the so called "savages" of these far away lands. It's the very system of belief or blind faith in ourselves that led to slavery!

Since these times , a lot of energy has gone into thinking, a lot of time and money for that matter. And as much as we think far more balanced it is still there, the group think, lazy think or don't think.

Will a deeper dive into thinking stop this happening 🤔 I feel it is unlikely. As is becoming a frequent statement from me, we aren't there biologically yet. In fact if anything has come from transfering thoughts to page in these last few years it's my core belief that we as a species are nowhere near as evolved biologically as we are culturally and philosophically or psychologically. We debate on everything including the debates ourselves yet the core of the masses slip back in( if they ever got out) to lazy , easy , automatic think.

It's extremely difficult to see our own ironies and hypocrisy, like hearing your ears or chewing your own teeth. It can be done but requires conscious effort, most of us don't have the time energy or tools for it either. I had to spend 100s of hours reading books and lectures on psychology just to get to a place where I understand that I don't understand fuck all! And that's just to start, from just doing that I found myself at conflict with core held thoughts and new found knowledge.

And continuously I find myself adjusting to new information, making it almost impossible to settle into a thought, as I question them all.

Who would actively want this for themselves? I don't think anyone would request it. It's not a comfortable place for the mind!

The people that seek it understand that the only way to grow us in discomfort and so they search for the uncomfortable, settle into the grey and ponder on the subtle and big differences between the black and the white.

Even a philosopher who asks questions about questions suffer with lazy think. The difference is they are fully aware and work to balance the world of facts and fiction.

E. Plaistow

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Where is the modern philosopher?

Is philosophy still philosophy in the modern world is a question I have ruminated on for quite a time. What was once the flow of an enquiring mind seems to have stumbled in the last few decades and my want to understand how and why this has happened has been a rabbit hole to put it mildly.

There has been so many advances in technology and culture that I wonder if the questions we once asked seem irrelevant at this point in space and time. What good is a deep conversation on the meaning of life when a good amount of people in the world are wondering wether this planet that can sustain life in 50- 100 years?!

A perfect example of this in manifestation would be how 3rd world countries have no concerns for global warming, because the big questions seem irrelevant when you don't know how or when you will eat next.

When what's in front of us is ablaze with uncertainty, our instinctive nature will tunnel vision into what is immediate.

Modern communication is also a focal point of immediacy in our daily lives! Most wake to look for news and messages before rubbing glue from their eyes and flicking the kettle on. With so much information and misinformation available to us it makes it difficult if not impossible to settle the mind enough to subtract our thoughts from our reactions to stimulus.

I have spent the last few months completely withdrawn from social media and with it I retrieved so much time to watch and work to understand the world around me. As much as social media is great for connecting with others, the more we connect to it, the less we connect with ourselves.

Science is currently under attack as facts take a back seat to feelings and outbursts of offensive outrage. Where science helped to awnser questions we can't help but ask ourselves and eachother, it now seems to stand in the way of opinions and is working to unsettle people's emotions, as if science were an ideology or political statement when in fact it is just tried and tested theories and observations, all of which are open to adjustment to new information. How can observations be offensive?

The intellectual dark web is the closest I have found to modern day philosophy, which consist of psychologist, political commentators and biologists. All having conflicting beliefs but having civil discourse in a bid to find common ground and a better understanding.

E.Plaistow

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Looking forward and in, rather than backwards and out.

Waiting for the wave of the world around me to break and roll back has been something I have thought deeply about, reading through my posts written in the last 3 months shows this to be quite obvious.

I know better than to look outwardly , yet even the best of us get caught up in these things! We are social creatures after all and with a good portion of our daily behaviours regulated by the culture we are submerged in , it's only natural to have concerns about the evolving landscape. The greatest struggle we have as a species seems to be change, we fear it overall and do lots to avoid too much of it in our personal lives, especially changes that are put upon us and not done so out of will.

So, in order to change what I see I can either use my will or stop looking!

Stop looking! Is that really an option? I have removed all social media from my life, but that doesn't stop you tweaking the curtain. So my choice is will, I choose to see the good things, not only the things that please me but also the understanding that everything going on right now is happening because it needs to, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.

Its easy to become a part of the problem, to attempt to shout over those shouting, to get as angry as those around us. And I have been floating down easy Street for a few weeks, months even.

As of today I'm going to write daily, I'm going to write posativly, and if there's nothing posative around me to talk about, there is always plenty to talk about within me that is.

Here's to the posatives

E.plaistow

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Running before we can walk!

It's quite scary to read and watch what is happening in the world atm! The world is at war without bombs and bullets(yet) and as much as we are educated and civil in a way the world had never been it is painfully obvious to see how much growth is needed for us as a species before we are anywhere close to evolved , peaceful, loving beings that we demand of eachother!

The world seems like it's screaming at eachother! With demands from all directions and nobody prepared to meet halfway or even enter into dialogue, talking above or past eachother seems the cultural norm atm , with outrage, finger pointing and destruction of personal integrity seeming to be the evolved version of bombs and bullets.

That's not to say there's no bombs and bullets, people are being killed left right and centre. Yet the western world is so determined to be seen as virtuous, that destruction of reputation is the only route forward, after all, we can't keep assassinating people, the world is to connected and open for that now!

So I ponder, have our dreams of utopia evolved generations before our biological structures have? After all, I think it's fair to say, in the western world in democratic countries at least that we all feel we should be living in harmony , with equal opportunity for all. Yet we can't get away from our tribal nature's, no matter how much we say we want to.

Each generation thus far, has been more evolved than the previous. However atm it feels like the next generation is going backwards biologically whilst trying to force the world to think forward! Most of the world can't see themselves , can't see what's wrong with labelling their opponents things like Hitler , which waters down the significance of such a label. Nowadays if someone called me a Nazi I'd probably just laugh!

Plus when did it start to be ok to attack people rather than challenging their ideas?!

E. Plaistow

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Lets delete history!!!

The date is 16th june 2020 and the world is quite literally up in arms! With half the globe in fear and hiding from a global pandemic which is still very much on the rise in some countries, the other half are out on the streets protesting and marching for the BLM ( Black lives matter) Protests.

I think you would be hard pressed in this day and age to find someone who doesnt sympathise and agree with the black community , especially in america. However the general public are looking away in disgust at a lot of the behaviours displayed by a minority of protesters!

To start your movement by attempting to destroy the history that led us to where we are now resembles book burning in nazi germany!! Most will say it is easier to label things in this way when I am part of the problem!!! Yet these statements take away our collective shame of the past and replace with outrage of the current behaviours.

As a white male I am now labelled as privileged! Yet I didnt feel privileged when I was being beaten up everyday of my school life , not because of colour, but because of class!!! In fact when I was at school, everyone that was black was part of the black community within the school, then there was indian community, asian community , the only community that had divides within it was the white communnity. Kids are unapologetically cruel and I can only notice that at school it was the white race that were hell bent on the destruction of all colours! When I think more profoundly about this , historically its inacurate as all races at different times have been hell bent on the destruction of others to empower their own!!

At the moment, there is a trend with trying to attack history, notably historicle figures who have been solidified in statue and street names , house names etc whos names are in any way associated with slavery! I think its fare to say that anyone that believes slavery still has a place has no place in the modern day and age, especially in democratic countries! Yet you cannot look back at anything of those times (1600-1800s) without seing slavery written through it like the word brighton is printed through a stick of rock!! Slavery was not just something that went on back then, it was literally a part of the economy! Every brick in every house, every inch of concrete in the road, every deal and every trade, every ship, every factory, and new information to me that a lot of UK cities even, were built with slave money or indeed built themselves by slaves!!

My reaction was not to do what most of the country have done, which is scream and shout about change! I rejected the current narrative. Instead I have worked to update and re-educate my own ignorance, watching documentrys on slavery , I have worked through what I have in cultural programming , my biases, my dialogue in both intellect and humour when it comes to race!

Its hard to be honest about racism! From a white male perspective I am told via the media narrative that I am not entitled to an opinion and that I am inherently part of the problem! This creates a subconscious defensiveness and rejection of the conversation! And this is where I find myself, unable to have discussions or work around statements that are there to shut down.

We need thought provoking conversations where elements of the conversation or people with alternative views are not shut down! Echo chambers are extreemly dangerous and look to isolate and segregate. Already we are seing a pushback and this is not because people are racist now(although it cannot be denied that racism exists), this is because people are being guilt labelled and bullied into destroying their collective history, be it good or bad.

Any progress forward will be dragged back, attacked and rejected if the movement is not collective!

This is not to say there needs to be 100% agreement from every single person, as thats impossible. But as a culture, as a people, from govorment to shop owner , school teacher to police officer we need to work together, one species, one race.

E.Plaistow

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A revision of my own energy

Its been a tough few weeks for my mind and energy , especially figuring out whats mine and what im taking on of others. I have got caught up in the anger and have not filtered, I have just projected that anger forward!!

A judgemental anger to boot, an anger at the world not seing it from my angle!! As if my point of view is something anyone should aspire to!! Its a shocking revelation at a time in my life when I feel im working hard on myself, seeking out my biases and prejudices and working to upgrade them with reality rather than programmed information handed down by the generation before or culture and society as a whole.

I bit my friends hand off yesterday! Its not something I have done for quite some time, something I did a lot of in my younger years. I was starting to think I had complete understanding of my darker sides yet the only thing I can truly state is I have an awareness that I have a complex and multilayered mind. Thats about all I can state, I have an awareness. Yet a few months ago I could have swore I had a great understanding and an element of control!! How wrong was I.

I have read so many books on the subject and only now with the experience can I relate to what has been revealed. It a time when our ego meets our higher self, the ego will work to befriend. And this is what has been happening. A cunning and clever ego has convinced me I was on the path to personal truth when in fact I wandered down and into the path of self rightousness!!!!

Im not even sure my higher self has had much to do at all such is the strength and depth of my ego, I only hope that an awareness of it is at least a start to better forms of conversation. My internal dialogue has been very confllicted, a too and fro of posative negativity!!

I have removed as many forms of social media from my life as possible, have removed media entirely in the hope that the less devisive the conversations around me, the less split my mind will be. However this is just a temporary fix, for I cannot avoid social or the media indeffinately.

There was a time in the last couple of years where I was in a better head space, a place with no confrontation with the view and behaviour of others, it was peaceful with very little judgementleness.

In retracing what has happened between then and now its easy for me to focus on changes that have happened external to myself, with global pandemics and race riots throughout the great democratic nations its easy to blame the world around me! However I know deeply that my internal conflicts are 100% on me , the world could be sunshine and rainbows and it would still have happpened.

So its time to go back over some old ground, because repetition repetition repetition is what will add the layers. Reading is one thing, putting into practise another.

E. Plaistow

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The contraction of culture

Never before in my time on earth has the world felt quite so divided and I wonder if this is how society felt on the rumblings on the build up to world war? I know that information has never travelled so freely and as fast as it does today, but along with the speed of information is the truth or lack there of with the information. Back before the internet the information was drip fed through certain powerful organisations, be it the BBC or the The Times, and I think because of this there was a sense of responsibility with what information was being shared and to what degree and how that information was put forward.

A lot has changed since those times, and the biggest change is the power struggle between who holds the keys of knowledge! No longer do big corp control the narrative and because of this the competition has changed. No longer is it about the substance of the content, instead playing into our divisive natures and working to feed on our need as a species to tribalise ourselves! Tempting us with our lower workings, our primal instincts! For the most part the need for truth has disappeared and has been replaced with a need for support, regardless of facts.

Never is this more apparent than in america and now this is apparent in the UK also, it seems due to our need to follow the new gods of fame and fortune we blindly follow the crowds.

News networks now support a side without admission, play party politics with the public whilst virtue signalling and this all plays into our inability to explain the tragedy that is life.

If someone tells you that the reason why you suffer can be blamed entirely on the opposite side and it gives you an object you can blame rather than take personal responsibility then the average person will grab that and run violently with it. The irony can be shown in the states right now where protesters are being pushed to burn it all down....... until they go to the rich areas! Once they get there, the very same people are calling them animals!

And its not a suprise that people will act this way especially when you look into how the stories are being told by them. When news outlets cherry pick at the statistics to support their narrative it shows exactly what they are doing when you tally the information with the rest of the statistics. The problem is the average does not have the time or the patience to look into the information themselves! And this is the cost of the payment. If you are willing to pay someone else to read information and then narrate it to you then you are partly responsible for the misinformation also.

The current climate is not just due to the medias power struggles, this also stems from the laziness of people!! I can recognise this because like a caterpiller I quite happily fed on anything put in front of me in the early part of my life, I think only a select few couldn't say the same! However there comes a time where what you hear and what you see dont reflect eachother and you have to question this, or you can ignore it and carry on!! No one can predict which way each person will choose, thats a very individual choice and I feel that comes down to fear like most other things. Most have a fear of isolation and when you make such a divisive decision you run the fear of isolation.

When one side holds the keys of influence this will also have an effect, after all who will publicly support trump in hollywood knowing they will never be offered another role if they do?!!!!

You have to be fearless of the consequences or so strong in your beliefs that fear doesnt come into it but passion and belief drive the narrative.

If we have news that gives us all the facts as plain and simply as they are, it would mean we have to come to our own conclusion! This involves deep thinking and so most are willing to hand that responsibility to others so all they have to do is judge............

The contraction of our societies will not stop or balance itself out all the while people give up on their ability to look deep within for answers and lay the responsibility of decision making on others.

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

A contemplative mind

Imagine being told you think to much! Now imagine being told by someone you look to for guidence!

What would your reaction be? I can only talk from my own personal experience and my reaction was to work hard to eradicate my overthinking! Why wouldnt I, after all it was being highlighted constantly as a negative, something I should work to silence!

And this started a war within my mind. Unbeknown to me at the time I was working hard to eradicate who I am and this obviously created conflict. An over thinker would carry a different label in a different culture or even within a different class! Amongst the rich I would have been a philosopher with the corresponding certificate in qualification to support it, and in a tribe I would have been called a shamen or wise one. Yet in the lower working classes I was labelled an over thinker, told I think to much, or told im deep, like, hes a really deep guy!

As I have age and matured over time my friends circle has changed, none more so than the people I share my thoughts with. I never invisiged this happening, I thought when I was young I would have these friends forever, we got along and there was nothing more to it than that! But at a time when I was working very hard to eradicate my thoughts I wonder if my circles would have changed a lot sooner if I had thought deeply about things. After all, thinking deeply about things makes it impossible to ignore the relationships around you, your effects on them and their effects on you.

I am now a self proclaimed philosopher, because I only see thinking a problem when the things we think about are unhealthy and the conversations leading on from thoughts are only discussed within the echo of our own words! What I mean by this is , to think profoundly about something I have to formulate my thoughts and then find constructive arguments against my view, at least look into alternative views and arguments. So long as I am willing to discuss, debate and adjust my view, then no thinking nor discussion can be deemed unhealthy.

So.......... thinking! How can an act of self discovery be a bad thing and why would it be labelled so?!

My thoughts from experience about thinking would point me to fear! I say this because diverting from core beliefs or world views is scary for the vast majority of people. After all who would want to openly admit that most of what they think to be true is just the opinions of others and that no thought they have is theirs!! Most that stumble across this type of thought process/internal dialogue or however else you want to describe it, have done so not intentionally! At least not conciously intentionally! I say not concious intention because a lot of what brings us to the fringes of life are unconcious intention. I never at any point said to myself , you need to think deeply, take time to be alone and come to an acceptence of who I am, warts and all. There was no conscious thought that this needs to happen, but I engineered it and followed through with this act all the same. Which means deep down somethere in my subconcious there was a need for growth and somewhere my brain was aware of what was needed for this growth to take place.

If I was aware all those years ago that in following the path I was on, it would lead me to here? With more questions than ever about myself and the environment around me, would I have changed direction?! An impossible to answer without 2020 hindsight! Yet still one worth pondering when compared with how I travelled to where I am and would I go backwards if there was a path to do so!

I dont think I can un-see the things I have seen, nor unravel what I have read and how that has changed my internal dialogue.

What Is most evident to me is that these are all my decisions, wether conscious or unconscious they are still my decisions. Which is far more difficult to take responsibility for and accept as part of our own decision making! My personal experience led to me believing that the unconscious decisions I made were controlled by something outside of myself, the energy of my father, the influence of the unhealthy adults in my life at a young age! They all pointed outside! I can see now how when unaware of the many facets to our brains/minds we can easily attribute 1 or 2 of the conversations in our heads to someone or something else, after all we spent most of our lives being told that talking to ourselves is the first sign of madness, schizophrenics are heavily medicated and our culture works hard to protect us from “them”. It seems that the very culture we have created works us away from this understanding , and by doing so loosing the most important conversations we will ever have in our entire lives, the ones we have with ourselves!

My conversations are still in need of scrutiny, that doesnt change through self exploration. In fact I would say the conversations have deepened and I am more open to adjustment. I have programmed narratives I am working hard to unravel, some easier than others.

When open and honest about ourselves we can use a lot of our life and the situations we have found ourselves in and how we chose to get out of them as a reflective point and this will help us unravel a lot of the programming we have struggled to overcome.

An example of this was the homophobia I was raised within! This was not just by family members but largely by society as a whole as well as religion . For a long period of time I considered the whole act to be disgusting and un-natural! The very word gay was used as a derogative slur, even in banter I used it all the time.

Yet my experience with gay men had proven to be anything but , in fact the people who had come into my life that were of a different sexual preference were more open, kind and honest than I had ever been led to be believed as possible!

Were these lies I was fed, were they intentional lies? I had to seperate the belief from the reality, which is a lot harder than ud think. After all it is our thoughts that shape our reality! So I was challenging my reality! And in this act or self sacrafice what else would unravel?!!!

Its at this point you can either double down on your ignorance or accept that you know absolutely nothing and let the flow of life as it is show you the reality you have self distorted for so long!

My response to this was the latter, with a new found knowledge of how little I know to be “fact” , what I can always be an expert on is my perspective and so working to master and accept that I know nothing has become everything.

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

Black lives matter- in the modern world

As I am writing this, an american black man was killed by a cop in the states and this has started a trend, a trend of Hashtag blacklivesmatter............ coupled with a select few using the protests to push a darker narrative.

I have started writing as I am finding the entire saga to be full of hypocrisies and virue signalling on the grandest of scales.

I have been in and around race and culture my entire life , with mixed race members of family I have seen and felt the changes throughout the early 90s til today, 6 month into 2020!

What I find mind blowing is the utter ignorance of society as a whole, so hungry for something or someone to project their hate upon that they are completely incapable of seing themselves and the pots they stir.

The thought of someone being punished in some way for the colour of their skin sickens me. However, has it sickened me to the point I have done something active about it?! No it hasnt , it hasnt caused me to go on marches and rallies to raise awareness of the atrocities being carried out in africa, has it made me march and raise awareness for the murderous regime that is china?! No again, and neither has anybody else! Certainly not the people on the streets calling for the system to be torn down!

So I ask the question, when do black lives matter? Do black, yellow,brown, white lives matter equally?

Do black lives matter more now in western societies because of years of oppression? Do we need to give black people a higher status for 100 years to help balance things out, leading to racism in the other direction?

When do lives matter, regardless of colour, sex, beliefs?? What is the catalist for the current outrage!

Because racism exists in every country in the world to varying degrees, apart from maybe a select few, isolated tribes where only their race exists, like the Awa tribe in the amazon etc.

Is it possible that western countries, under an education system that tries to create a utopia within the narrative , has convinced us all that we should be well beyond the tribal instincts that have kept us alive and evolved us to become who we are?! Because anyone with a degree of understanding of biology and evolution would understand that no matter how civalised society becomes, the transition for our biology wont just catch up with our culture because we say it should!

The people marching are attempting to create an us and them narrative that is just as devisive and destructive as the narrative they claim to be marching to erradicate!

At this moment in time its too insensative to create an alternative narrative, however I can only but wonder when an alternative will come to be?! When will all lives matter equally? Will they ever?

Most will point to me being a white man and therefore I have no voice in the current climate! But that hasnt stopped thousands marching! So my voice will matter when it supports you but the moment I question I become the enemy, my voice has lost its worth, my opinion so obviously fuelled by fear etc.

Sounds awefully oppressive to me, Is it not oppression that is the problem! How can you fight oppression with more oppression!!

Again, in a world of no thinking we judge and react..................

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

The physical manifestation of a

Psychological struggle!

Over the last week and a half I have had what feels like a lump in my throat, not metaphorically!! It actually feels like there is something in my throat! It does not hurt, nor does it feel like a swollen gland. Yet it is very real and very much there! I can feel when I swallow, which I now either do more than I ever have or I am just more aware than ever before, the latter far more likely.

It took me a little while to figure out for myself why this has happened, I know my body well and my mind also, so the linking of the lump and the events leading up to its arrival wasnt that difficult!

I couple of day before the lump appeared, I popped to see my mum and her husband for the first time since the Covid19 lockdown begun, what occurred is no doubt the reason I am now describing him as my mums husband where as before he would have been called my step dad!!

I knew that he would have something to say, as at the beginning of the lock down I visited friends as it was my 40th birthday and he had already been vocal in the background during a phone call to my mum. I knew him well enough to know he wouldnt have let it go in that 8 weeks and would have to taint the occasion and this much I was prepared for!

With the look of displeasure I am accustomed to, he then proceeded to unload his opinion!! Which I have to say I was completely unprepared for, he stated his opinion of me as a father , which he based on fake news and misinformation he had about government regulations! He then stated that I had not shown any consideration or care for him and my mum! This was despite the fact I called my mum twice a week to ask if they were both ok, because I hadnt actually said specifically “do you need shopping” and then compared me to my younger sister who had spent the last 2 years telling everyone who would listen what a pair of nasty people my parents were and now because she is reaping what she has sewed so to speak, she has been used in comparison to me.

This was all thrown at me rather quickly, I was taken completely off guard and left me quiet, seething, gobsmacked!

I couldnt sleep right for days and havent been sleeping right since, along with the lump in my throat and a purge of energy the moment anyone has asked me about the situation. It has even been shared with people not asking! Such is my desperate need to regurgitate the bullshit he has tried to make me swallow!

To him, he is just doing what he has always done and always been allowed to do. He has no idea the consequences of his latest outburst nor the long term effects it has had on the relationship, nor do I think he cares truth be told. There are events, moments in our lives where the growns ups we have looked up to become unmasked to be as human and flawed as the rest of us. And in this case it has revealed more than just a flawed human. It has revealed a very hypocritical, homophobic, racist uneducated man. It has even revealed very true and very real weaknesses that have always been disguised as strength.

I had never really put much thought before into the fact that he has never apologised before, nor does he ever admit to being wrong! Only at this stage in my life do I recognise through my own life experience that personal growth is achieved through being honest about mistakes we make in life and working to rectify, being honest with ourselves that we dont know everything and that our version of right and wrong is only our version and only applies to us based on the life we have experienced through our own looking glass. With that knowledge an understanding that this man has not grown since the 1960s if ever!! And understand that talking to him until the cows come about this would not achieve anything but frustration, the kind felt when repeating ourselves to children that do not listen.

I then felt empathy and sorrow in equal measure, the empathy showed me he is trapped within the self imposed prison of self, something he will have no comprehension of, and sorrow for the same reason.

It also shattered a small part of my world and that was the part where I struggled. I had elevated this man for a very long time, in essence he was the last bastion of fatherhood I had left. At a time in my life where nothing was calm he represented something like an anchor, a point of no change, a place of total routine and organisation. So I can see entirely why he was elevated this way, especially when comparisons are drawn with other father figures I looked up to in my life.

However in doing so I gave away far to much power and this is why his words, despite being so very untrue when attached to reality, hurt so much. I had given him too much power, his opinion had to much sway and with no substance to back it. This man is a fantastic example of how too be good with money, that much is for sure, he was very maticulous with every penny, nothing left unaccounted for, endowments set up for future days, savings for rainy days etc.

But this was not something I have been taught nor learned from him, not something he ever showed me, just something I held in high regard because no other person in my life at that time had control over anything.

And this is where things have crumbled around me for this example gives me nothing and when given the freedom to throw his opinions on my lifestyle choices it has effected me in ways I couldnt have predicted. I have to be honest and break down the behavior in order to understand it and seperate it from myself. Because when things have been constant in our world view and they shatter, they are often at the foundation of our thinking and can therefore unsettle the ground we stand upon now, unravelling the past changes the view of the present, things seen cannot be unseen.

So as I work through this issue, I am mindful to not attack nor put down the man. After many days of thinking bad things, bad names to associate to him, I must remember the lessons I apply to myself apply to everyone. He is not intentionally spiteful, self rightous. He has never been put in his place in his life, never had to evaluate his thinking and has worked very hard to ensure the world around him fits in with his world view, and even this is not something he is aware of. I have always said that you wouldnt be angry if a french person didnt understand british words and the same applies here.

His world view is from a single angle, he even believes every word of the BBC as gospel, in trying to show him things from my angle in the way I work hard to see things from his will only make me ill and stress me further.

The lump will go down, in time along with my need to be heard. In the words of Carl Jung.....

Thinking is difficult, so most people judge........

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

The step away

In the last year I have discovered politics for the first time and in that time I have found myself more and more stressed, opinionated and borderline angry at times than I have for a very very long time!!

I can now understand why young angry people become involved in activism and politics and also can see how as a younger man, I would not have been aware of the sliding into dogma and cultural outrage.

Even as a wiser , older and more self aware person, it has taken some time to realise how devisive these systems are and psychologically how they grip you.

I understand that the beliefs I veer towards are due to the programming and culture I was raised in as well as the events between then and now, yet that didnt stop me being sucked into, all bit it temporarily , the battle grounds of belief.

As I now work away from the systems, I feel grateful to have looked into this at a time in my life where I have the ability to save myself. For I am under no illusion that had I discovered this in my youth I would have been deeply imbedded into these devisive systems. I would have believed I was right and all other systems were wrong, not only wrong but not worth entertaining. After all, I did it with sexual preference and race and religion for many years thanks to the programming received from my piers and the ignorance of youth.

From the perspective of the individual it is often said and deeply everyone knows that we learn through our mistakes. Often the most interesting and self aware of us have arrived at a place of neutrality through getting it wrong , admitting to the mistake , taking ownership and working to rectify. Yet in politics it would seem one of the main tenets is to not admit to wrong doing! I dont know how politics is taught, but it wouldnt suprise me if there was a section in the syllabus all about how you get out of making a mistake without admitting you are wrong. This applies to all parties within the political system, yet they all imply that they are the party of truth and transparency!! This is appealing especially because the average joe doesnt trust politicians! And this is fair because they have been caught out so very many times. The cover ups and scandals of people abusing power have been recorded since time immemorial. It is in fact the human condition and all systems will have it within them because the faults are very rarely the system, but almost always the people running the system.

You only need to look at communism as an example, on paper a system that couldnt be any more fair to everyone. Yet everytime it has been attempted it has ended in brutality on a mass scale, and this is because we as a species work psychologically to protect our own. We havent been seperate from tribes long enough for that to evolve out of us yet.

As much as I would love this to change, it will not be in the lifetime of me or my children. Quite possibly never before our lights are out as a species. In the T.V show travellers , people are sent back from the future in order to stop the human race from destroying itself. Interestingly the system that runs the planet in the future that deems these steps necessary is an AI, with no sense of human emotion and therefore able to make rational decisions based on nothing more than fact and data. This provided me with great food for thought philosophically.

So as I work to step away from politics altogether I cannot help but wonder what else there is in my future that can raise these emotions and how well will I manage myself when it happens.

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

The Species of Doom

We are currently quite a few time periods away from the beginnings of life on our planet, in that time species have evolved continuously despite the 5 mass extinction events since then and now.

Yet when you look at all other periods of time, what wiped the earth were always events out of their control and they existed before extinction for millions of years.

When you look at the current time period and how long we have roamed the earth, where we were then and now, how the planet looked then and now its actually frightening to think about where we are heading as a species and all we look to take down with us in the process!!!

No other species has eradicated themselves nor destroyed their environment even slightly , especially in comparison to ourselves. I heard something a few years ago, I never did look it up! I heard that part of the reason the dinosaurs died out is because of the all the flatulence(in the same way mass production of cows has ramped up methane levels in the atmosphere). I think I never looked it up because as far as I can tell if this was the case there is no way dinosaurs would have been aware they were doing it.

This is totally the opposite of us as a species. But then again I cant say that entirely! There have been so many civilizations far less advanced than our own that respected the planet as the life bearing creature it is in itself! They recognised the fact that we are a part of the eco system and not separated from it. You only have to look into native americans way of life to see you dont have to go far back to see it and know this knowledge has existed in our times. We can excuse a lot of the early behavior because science didnt exist and unless your culture raised you to respect the planet you would either not think about it in that way or if you were of a religious culture you would most likely believe that everything that exists on the planet has been put here specifically for your use. However back in the 1970s-80s science made it quite clear we are effecting the planet, yes the predictions of doom events have been wrong, but thats the prediction part of science, the facts stand, which is we are effecting the planet.

The scales of effects has played a part here also, because some scales are exaggerated for effect where as others are scaled down either to stop the spread of panic or because it has been bad for business.

With science being an ever changing model I can only wonder if this is why the average stops listening of believing? Because we as a species dont feel great without absolutes! Despite the fact the very reason we have evolved so well is our ability to adapt and overcome, that doesnt mean it has come easy or pleasurable, its been a case of needs must not choice. Now we have evolved through science(even the taming of fire is science, the first science in fact) to the top of the food chain, our daily struggle for survival has all but disappeared along with the uncertainly we had become accustomed to. And with this evolution of man we learned to fear the unknown instead of fear with a sense of wonder and intrigue.

I have written many times about the survival instincts of us as a species from a psychological evolutionary angle and I think this is no doubt the biggest issue we as a species have! We have evolved beyond balance, evolved separately from our environment psychologically and this separation is at the route our own self destruct tendencies with regards to the planet we call home!!

It would explain how people, companies and organisations are willing to sell the very life that sustains us for a quick buck, or even a long term one. For these groups to push for financial gain surpassing not only their lifetimes but enough to financially support their long term offspring, yet if they continue there will be no planet left for them to spend anything, even the term spend will fall out of existence.

I have to say I dont see a turn around!! I dont see how we as a species will get out of this situation because there will always be a large part of the species that will forever remain disconnected from the planet. Short of a near extinction event, where some survive enough to over time repopulate with a different understanding of ourselves and the connection between us and the planet. I dont worry about myself, im very aware the planet will not collapse whilst I am alive, these things happen over time, short of an event out of our control , and I dont worry about things I cannot control. I do however have great concern for my family line I wont be around to see. What kind of planet will they have to evolve to, will there be much of a planet to evolve with? We as a species have an expiration date as with all species that have ever existed. However we look to be cutting our own story short!! Modern humans have existed for 300,000 years, dinosaurs lasted 180 million years!!! How ironic that a species with the most basic of intelligence look like they will outlive our time spent by probably over 179 million years.

With that in mind maybe its big braisn and consciousness that are the problem, natural primal survival instincts do not have that effect on the planet, conscious decisions it would seem do.

E.Plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

When gods became actors and actors became gods

God is Dead – Nietzsche 1882

This incredibly bold statement at the time rings more true now that ever before. At the time it was written , what was seen was the slow degradation of the religious class. Most of this happened because of their own actions and behaviors. Who can honestly say they would turn away from religion if it did in fact deliver on its grandiose promises and the hypocrisy and corruption among the upper echelons wasnt so apparent.

Its the fact that the words spoken and the actions taken did never and have never added up and over time the simple became wise, the ill informed became educated and eventually the GIG was up so to speak.

Predictions were made that have come true in the face of a lack of a judgemental father!!!

We have worked hard , engaged in war, and debated on debates about debates in a bid to minimise the struggle of life on earth without the gods.

At their absolute best religion gave us all an anchor point, a starting line for us all in which we all felt loved and valued. At their absolute worst it has worked in the complete opposite direction , classing some races as less than human and their death at our hands a blessing. Corruption, fraud, pedophilia to name but a few of the behavior types that have been allowed to fester and grow within the protectionist bubble that has always been there in religion.

But where are we now with religion or more importantly Gods?

The most we hear about gods in the year of 2020 is on the movie screen. My favourites are films like clash of the titans and jason and the argonaughts. This is because the greek gods were portayed a bit more honestly in their relationship to us. The catholic bible states that we were all made in the image of god yet states gods perfection and our imperefection. Its full of conflicting narratives like this that naturally eventually lead to questions. More often that not you will be shut down, cast out and rediculed for even daring to question.

The greek gods are in our image in so many ways, showing where our jealousy comes from etc. In fact the greek gods and the story telling around them gave us stories and explanations that settled our internal woes about the primal natures and behaviors we as a species have. Jealosy, revenge, love, honour, self sacrafice, infidelity, wrath , all are shown to have grown from the gods and passed down to us. This very inclination rids us of so much guilt language, however at the same time it puts us at the same mercy we afford ourselves as a species. Over time as you would expect we came to regard the gods as cruel and unkind, the very attributes we assign to anyone that conflicts with our life path and narrative.

But this has all gone away for the most part in the western part of the world. Gods now are characters on a movie screen and the people we worship are the actors playing the gods on the screen! Over time these far from perfect people have become figures of admiration in the same way we used to look at the gods. And like in religion we get a very distorted view!! We dont see the down moments that every person has, instead we see perfection of their perfect lives or on the flip side we see victimhood as a badge of honour, likely started by a few famous people who fell on what they would consider hard times and decided to talk about it. Before you know it they are elevated onto a platform because they had the courage to admit to being human! All the while people with real genuine life struggles and no voice die of starvation and disease that could be eradicated with a month of their salary. Power and influence if not forced through Communism are now gained through fame, fame is the new god!

The religion of fame is the same as all religions, the elite at the top, where a completely different set of rules apply. Fame is rife with corruption, sexual abuse and pedophilia and like all other religions is hidden, downplayed and will even go so far as to change narrative to suit the new status quo. With even more hypocrisy on display than ever before thanks to the internet and social media, the fact there is video evidence to show their own conflicting views not 4 years before and cannot be denied, instead falls into the category of personal growth, which by the way only applies if you see certain things!

At some point in time, somehow, because you were in a movie, because you were really good at pretending to be someone you are not, you have become someone whos opinion we should depend upon! The only reason I can think this happened is because they have managed to climb to the top of what is worldly renowned as one of the most brutal industries on the planet! Is this the modern day equivalent of conquering rome? Is the Rock a modern day ceasar? By doing “who knows what” in a bid to be an A-lister in a movie, has he earned the faith of the world on how to win at life?

I think the problem isnt looking up in admiration, after all we all strive towards something. The issue comes where we look blindly. I would look to the rock when it comes to how to be a successful wrestler, successful actor or bodybuilder. However I wouldnt look to him to be a father, partner, friend, sibling or son, because those attributes are a lot more personal than recipes for success. The examples I look to for guidance in my personal life are the ones that are in full view, for example my father, my partners father, my friends father are fatherly examples I look towards. Not someone who posts 10 pictures a month showing them playing with their kids, most likely totaling the 4 hours they spent with their kids that month!!

If we are to portray actors as gods then we should at least reduce the G to a g! If they are a form of god it can only be attributed to the arena they have conquered. After all, who would rely on ceaser on how to rule china?!

E.plaistow

[paperbackwritersblog]

The search for place and meaning

Having just read the fear of freedom by fromm, I have found myself dissecting different stages of my life where this has applied. The book amungst other things breaks down mankinds deep rooted need for meaning and to be a part of something. It also describes the internal fears that drive these desires(if desires is the right word for something we have no concious awareness of most of the time)

When it breaks down mankinds fear, it also leads into how we as a species become so entangled in this that it leads us to give ourselves over to a higher authority for security and protection.

Bringing this back to my own personal experiences, I can recognise in my life how I have always felt drawn to a group , no group in particular. But a group of culturally similar people I have felt safe around. Safe and secure in being myself without judgment. I can also see how I allowed myself to be pulled into groups that have not been healthy physically or mentally yet it has felt better to be within the group than to stand alone! In my youth I had struggled with inner love and understanding of myself since a very early age , and this void needed filling somehow and so being a part of a group is a form of acceptance! It settles the primal niggle within and I could ignore moral lines being crossed by individuals within the group because their actions didnt represent the group as a whole.

Upon reflection, this need is the very seed that breeds and feeds mankinds ability to turn a blind eye.

Over the last 2 years the channels my mind uses to understand things have changed route completely. They still have question on journey to answer. However if for 30 odd years I went from A to B and so on, then for the last 2 years my mind has gone from A to 5 to *5g ! The lense through which I see the world has changed drastically.

When this first began to happen I felt terrified and I can now recognise where the fear came from, the fear came from being alone in this way of thinking. In fact so many of my fears have stemmed from this feeling of being alone, my behaviors driven by the need to not feel isolated and alone!!

I have liked to kid myself recently that after years of desperately wanting to be a part of something I have shed that need completely through spiritual grown and self understanding! As if I no longer need nor want to be part of anything and that standing alone is my new superpower after years of blind neediness!!! However this is just my mind very cleverly playing peekaboo with me! Anyone with even a remote understanding of human psychology will be very aware of how hard the mind works to protect itself. Its of no surprise when you understand how the human mind is layered over time with ideology and culture, to unsettle personal truths at the bottom will unsettle everything built upon it.

So, for the last 2 years I have not felt like I am a part or member of any group! I recognise where this has come from and it is from the lack of drive or need to feel I fit in with anyone else. However this need or drive is no doubt being fueled by something that has always been there but its significance has changed in my life in that time. This is Family! My family have always been there, however its always felt partly disconnected, I have always felt my foot half in and out with my family groups and this is from the things that happened in childhood that took route in my psyche. I can only relate this to myself as my family have not changed fundamentally for a long time, the people there for me now have been there for me in the same context for a very long time. It has been my outlook on life that has shifted the importance of family for me and all this has happened subconciously, which explains why my need for acceptance outside of myself has dithered and without linking those 2 events together I could have carried on oblivious. Also with current global events(at the time of writing this we are 2 months into a global covid-19 pandemic) , I have become very aware of the importance of work, not just for providing for your family but also a sence of being a part of something, building towards something as part of our daily strive. Most of the population of the UK atm are on furlow or have been laid off! The Government have introduced schemes to ensure the population can pay their bills and feed themselves. Being stuck at home and not being allowed to directly contact those closest to you(although right now I would hug a stranger as intensely as a family member) is having a crippling effect on peoples sence of self. And yet through it all I can see , hear and feel peoples desire to feel they are contributing to something. I am very fortunate in that my role in daily work is recognised as key work, if anything my sence of worth has conciously increased in the work place since the pandemic began.

As much as the world is spinning off its axis in a lot of ways , from my own perspective I have never felt so assured in myself and grateful for the groups I am a part of that give me the freedom without the constrictions that normally come with groups.

I am thankful for the family that love me without conditions , that challenge my perceptions without judgement and allow me to grow my own direction to the sun.

E.plaistow