perfectionistkilling-me

[perfectionistkilling-me]

i went to "mad at me" island expecting to find people i knew, something i understood. but when my boat landed, standing upon the shore were a million empty husks wearing my own face. every foot of the island was occupied, and everywhere i went, they watched me with contempt. they never spoke, never breathed. they simply watched. no matter how i grovelled and begged, snarled and cursed, tried to hide or kicked and hit, they simply stared. the hatred in their gaze was inescapable, but i could hardly return it, knowing that their doomed existence was of my own creation. knowing that the hatred was nobody's but my own. in the end i just wept, unable to stand the relentless gaze of my own infinite glare.

the guy who i accidentally cut off in traffic last week was there also

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Friends To Lovers Mafia Romance AND they're trans!

So I was bored at work and came up with this trashy romance novel idea. Will I ever write it? Probably not. So I shall put it into the universe and hope it sparks something in someone who's not me.

-Our main characters are two mid level mafia bosses. They get along and work well together but it's a lot of sniping and banter.

-Over half their conversations are just "Hey, your stupid kids are out here stabbing my stupid kids. Cut that shit out."

-All very blood, guts, sex and sin. Just classic mafia tropes. Gambling dens and smokey clubs. Smut peddling and arms dealing. Some random wax poetic about life just after a gunfight.

-Oh I said they were trans. This almost never comes up. Then there's a scene and it's just.

Guy: Yeah, learned that in Girl Scouts.

Girl: Pfft. You were a girl scout?

Guy: What's so funny?

Girl: Wolves raise better kids than you. Can't imagine you selling cookies.

Guy: Hey. I'm a business man. Had to start somewhere.

-Other small references show up. Like the guy has a bullwhip tattooed on his arm. As a reference to Dante "Tex" Gill.

-And the final scene they're driving away together in a stolen Porsche. Look at each other and say

"We're getting too old for this shit"

"Hey" She smiled "We're getting old, never thought we would"

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Do all Meredith/Addison shippers know the song "The Special Two" by Missy Higgins?

Because you should.

"When you're young, you have this image of your life.

That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.

You make boundaries you never dream to cross.

And if you happen to, you wake completely lost.

But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight till we're the special two."

[perfectionistkilling-me]

I am only posting about Grey's Anatomy because fanfic writing is making me crazy and slowburn is hard.

Anyway, please imagine Addison having to deal with Meredith's roommates.

Please imagine Addison dealing with that once time Karev was yelling in the hallway about George owing him $20 and he needed it for the pizza guy

Please imagine Addison dealing with the fighting for the upstairs shower.

Please imagine Addison being the only god damn grown up in that house.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Update ya boy knows how to tread a pneumothorax but apparently doesn't know the difference between a shunt and a stent.

Also that artery was nowhere near where I thought it was. This is why I hate OB nothing is in the place it sounds like It is.

ANNND I can't justify my holding a heart scene with any amount of science so Meredith gets to hold a 22 week neonate instead.

On the bright side. I had Addison use one of the mnemonics I could never remember and now it's branded on my brain. Fanfic can apparently be used as a study tool.

Y'all. I wrote a whole medical subplot for.my fanfic. That subplot existed ENTIRELY to justify Meredith holding a teeny tiny heart while standing there in awe of Addison's surgical precision.

I needed to know the name of a specific artery for ONE LINE of dialogue.

3 Pub Med articles later I realise THIS CONDITION IS ONLY EVER TREATED WITH LAZER SURGERY.

So now do I bullshit the medicine (something I was so proud of not doing because even though I know fuck all about OBGYN I have enough basics medical knowledge to write stuff that makes sense)

Or do I rewrite an entire subplot to be about a totally different medical condition.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Y'all. I wrote a whole medical subplot for.my fanfic. That subplot existed ENTIRELY to justify Meredith holding a teeny tiny heart while standing there in awe of Addison's surgical precision.

I needed to know the name of a specific artery for ONE LINE of dialogue.

3 Pub Med articles later I realise THIS CONDITION IS ONLY EVER TREATED WITH LAZER SURGERY.

So now do I bullshit the medicine (something I was so proud of not doing because even though I know fuck all about OBGYN I have enough basics medical knowledge to write stuff that makes sense)

Or do I rewrite an entire subplot to be about a totally different medical condition.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

HBO really had me thinking being a Maladapted late 20 something would be a lot more glamorous than it is.

Because yes. I do stand on my city apartment balcony looking elegantly disheveled and chain-smoking.

But I also have a flat inspection next week and turns out coffee CAN stain tile. And it's less of a skyline view and more of a view of the back of a INSANELY bright ad for pet insurance because an actual skyline view costs $670 a week and that is basically my whole paycheck.

And yes, my fridge is full of wine, vodka and iced coffee so I can chaotically rush through life trying to get my shit together. But I'm also old enough to be aware that I NEED A VEGETABLE and I don't have the executive function to cook. I have set my stove on fire twice and if I set off the fire alarm it's gonna cost me $1250.

And I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love but she gave me a plant and now I have to keep this asshole alive in an apartment that I'm pretty sure isn't even fit for humans.

I also own 132 books and no shelving. Literally none. They're just piled in a corner. Which I thought was very cool and disaffected when I was 15 but THERE IS SO MUCH DUST AND I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.

I'm a dumpster. This is my fire, I am somehow enough of an adult to drive a car and pay for nursing school.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Medical Drama version of The Tiffany Problem.

The word for removing PPE is "doffing"

The area where you remove PPE (and where surgeons have long conversations about their personal lives in Grey's) is the "doffing area"

But I cannot take myself seriously writing doffing in a fanfiction so everyone is getting medical inaccuracy for the sake of drama.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

A deeply underrated Addison/Meredith character dynamic.

Mark Sloan would be the biggest fucking supporter of those two ever.

Because deep down Mark does really love Addison. He wants her to be happy. Unfortunately because he has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old boy the only way he can express that sentiment is through constant Innuendo and bullying .

But Addison is used to that, and she could 100% throw it back at him.

He would give Addison SO MUCH shit for

- Dating a woman 10 years younger than her

- Dating a woman both he and Derek have slept with.

- Being protective of Meredith in general given that she's about as cuddly as a porcupine

But he'd also hide some genuinely good relationship advice in that mockery and he'd listen to her talk about her relationship issues and he WOULD NOT let either of them screw it up.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Harvey Specter would be SO Chill about trans men.

Okay, so it this projection? Yes. Can I back it up? Also yes.

Harvey is someone who enjoys traditional masculinity. It is not something he has been forced into or a standard he is forcing himself to maintain.

Sure, there are some things that cross the line into toxicity or insecurity. Mostly hiw unrealistic expectations of other people or his need for control.

But when it comes to his likes and hobbies. We see he genuinely enjoys these things. Things like good Scotch, Boxing, Fast cars, Expensive Menswear, Sports.

And he's also someone who cares about being a Good Man, and sees that as something to work towards. Viewing traits like loyalty, being protective, honestly and ambition as things that add up to being a good man.

Now throw a trans man at him. In any context.

All he is going to see is someone who, like him, is trying to be a good man.

As long as he doesn't wear skinny ties. 😂

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Mike shows up on Harvey's doorstep the first night after getting out of prison. He can't sleep. They sit in his kitchen and drink coffee and talk until the sun rises.

That's it, thats the whole fic.

Disembodied voice of the audience: Nice! Can you write it?

Me: Alas, I cannot. My brain has too many tabs open. As does my computer. And If i close a single one of them I will be thrust into chaos. Don't ask me how that works it just does.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

There is a very pretty man at my work today and not one single gay in this workplace to appreciate this fact with me.

Unfortunately I lack the gay best friend energy required to talk about pretty men with women. I have tired workaholic energy.

So I just have to keep the last hour of eye fucking to myself I guess.

This is a real story, but to get the Marvey shippers to send me sympathy. This is Harvey about Mike at all times.

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[perfectionistkilling-me]

Where do you post your fanfics? What's ur user?

Hi, think you're my first ask ever.

I post under GraveReverie on Ao3. Just a heads up. I only have one Marvey fic up right now. Most of my Fanfic is me processing my Trans Angst through fictional characters.

The fandom worms are eating my brain though and demanding I write a Post Prison Hurt/Comfort Marvey fic. So there's a roughly 60% chance that will get written.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

How the Main Cast of Suits would react to Marvey

Donna

Let's just get this out of the way. She had to tell them they were in love with each other. Harvey would absolutely be making some rash, impulsive work decision because of how it would affect Mike and Donna has to step in like, "Or, you could just tell him you love him"

She would have to have the same conversation with Mike but she'd be cool and just say "Look, you really should hear this from Harvey. Just remember he's terrible at knowing what he's feeling. Give him a moment to figure it out then go talk to him"

She was also expecting this from like 2 weeks into hiring Mike.

Louis

Louis says some insane shit to both of them. He's not intentionally homophobic he just doesn't have enough filtration between the absolute nonsense in his head and his mouth.

So he ends up going up to Mike and being like "Hey, when we shared Mud. Were you aroused by my Gladiator-esqe physique"

Mike just wants to mess with him because it's really funny. Harvey is constantly on the line between amused and genuinely annoyed.

But Louis's biggest issue is actually that Mike was Harvey's associate and that's an ethical problem. He could cause some actual problems for both of them if the circumstances pushed it.

Jessica

Jessica is torn on this relationship. On a personal level she's happy for Harvey. She knows how hard it is to find someone when you work as much as they do. And she's projecting a lot of her own relationship issues onto Harvey.

Also she knows how hard Harvey is to deal with on a daily basis and Mike is someone who can handle that. So personally she's really happy for them.

Now professionally she is pissed. Because they are both incredibly reckless and impulsive and love to ask forgiveness not permission and she really doesn't want to add the shit show that is their lack of interpersonal skills to that mix.

She just hopes they get married fucking quickly so they can't testify against each other.

Rachel

Rachel takes a moment to come around on them because of her feelings for Mike.

But, it actually makes her feel a bit better knowing all the times Mike put Harvey ahead of her it was because he loved him.

Mike and Rachel end up best friends. And she ends up closer to Harvey too. Harvey makes a lot of jokes about their friendship.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

A very brief preview into my next FanFic chapter for my Marvey Fic.

Harvey (Serious Voice) : Look Mike, I make a fantastic sugar daddy. But a terrible boyfriend.

[perfectionistkilling-me]

Collection of random Harvey Specter Headcannons

-He used to put movies on in the background while he was studying. He did this since highschool all the way through Harvard.

- He has an old Harvard Sweatshirt that Jessica gave him the day she agreed to pay for Harvard. She gave him this sweatshirt by slipping the box into the mail he was sorting.

-He is a "Never Turn a Lady Down" poker player. (A player who always bets if there's a queen on the board or in his hand)

-He realised he was Bi at boxing camp. His Bi awakening was an older boy who he could never beat.