plural-rambles

[plural-rambles]

We have a headspace, but also we don't. While we consider our mind a "place", said place is mainly a black void with different voices in different locations (fronter is always in the centre.)

We tried to create or access one in the early days of syscovery — a white house in an endless field of pink flowers, and a distant forest representing parts of the mind we can't access. There was a pool of memories where a previous member used to hang out (she liked to dip her feet in it, like a pond.)

Rarely, a door will appear in the void. If someone enters it, they seem to vanish into the subconscious. They may or may not resurface. I entered one of these once, and I ended up inside a house with unfamiliar people staring at me (their features were unclear.) I had to go through lots of other doors before I returned to where I started.

Our current headspace is an old-ish house with new technology — "new" as in sci-fi cyberpunk hacker stuff.

Thinking too deeply about this kind of stuff is tiring and gives us brain fog, so I prefer to stay in the void.

(There's also the thing with the user interface, but this is already a long post. I'll talk about it in another.)

«✦⅋✧»

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[plural-rambles]

every time I try to think about the mechanics of how our system works I get really dizzy and tired and I just want to sleep or do something else. it gets really hard to focus on anything or find the right words for things / word my thoughts coherently. the others' voices are still audible, I just get worse at interpreting them.

it's really annoying. childhood memories? that's fair; I'm probably not ready to know just yet. but god forbid I attempt to (voluntarily) switch.

it also happens with executive dysfunction and abstract, philosophical thoughts. I think we just have low RAM tbh

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[plural-rambles]

I love one of my headmates so much. She's loud and chaotic, she's rude, she's selfish, she's unapologetic, she's inappropriate, and she's ruthless, and I love her for it. She's done so much healing and work toward keeping us safe instead of endangering us and making bad situations worse for us. With our boyfriend and dear friends, she's a huge sweetheart too. We have a strong platonic bond to the point it's lowered some of our dissociative barriers between the two of us.

<3

[plural-rambles]

One of my favorite things to do with my created headmates is share a meal with them while everyone is co-concious and get everyone’s opinion on the food!! It’s a fun way to learn people’s preferences and it always seems to get people’s attention, even the ones who have been quiet for a few days. I love being a part of a system!! I love my little family so much. Everyone deserves to be able to experience this type of joy should they wish for it.

<3

[plural-rambles]

does anyone have any advice for how to reconcile our very. im not sure how to word it. scientific ? non-spiritual ? type mindset with stuff like metaphysical plurality or physical alterhumanity ?

currently, we use a sort of double bookkeeping system [hehe] to rationalize how we both have mostly walk-ins but also dont believe in world-hopping of any kind? its that we feel like this is how we came about so we talk about it like that even though we dont 'believe' thats what actually happened

but also. we'd like to understand more spiritual views on it, and our mindset has become somewhat of a hindrance when it comes to exploring our identity[ies]. and additionally we are very aware that even if there isnt any evidence for things like that there also isnt much against it, but its really hard to even seriously consider it being real for other people, much less ourselves ?

idk. local atheist stares longing at churches while kinda in the middle of a crisis type shit, more at 6

Idk we got over it with Hellenic gnosticism and time but also we were already spiritual

-- Chive (he/it)

[plural-rambles]

nobody ever talks about switches that dont feel like another person is taking over because youre going from cocon/cofront to solo front/primary front non possessive switches get brought up and median systems get brought ip but never fade switches (at least thats what we call them idk any official terminology) and it genuinely caused our system to think we were median for a bit (despite how it didnt fit and felt wrong because we are very separate and distinct) this isnt really like complaining or venting more a just i dont get why people dont talk about this? but im not angry over it just think more people should be aware its a thing and can be experienced like that especially depending on how front consciousness works (we are both polyfrag and often experience temporary fusion when cofronting so that likely increases the frequency of these kinds of switches and the feeling or lack there of since it often means we dont notice switches)

btw dont mind any spelling or other mistakes we tried to fix any we caught but were eepy and dyslexic

real actually... main system only experiences possessive switches now but a lot of the subsystems really struggle to figure out if they're maybe median or maybe P-DID or maybe something else,, forgot to consider this

-- Dee (shx/it/rot)

[plural-rambles]

Terry G. wrote this post on 31 May about how we're mostly walk-ins from various different universes, and about naming them: "I woke up thinking about trying to name and keep track of these universes."

And we've finally done that! The naming conventions themselves aren't particularly fancy, but we've finally gotten around to sitting down and deciding which universes are called what and the specific rules of how to name them.

I started with my own source. Six of us from Metal Family, four from one universe, two from another. Glam, Chive, Lordy and I from MF-1 and Dee and Heavy from MF-2. Glam was the first one to get here, so hxs universe and everyone else from it is 1, even if Chive and Lordy and I got here after Heavy and Dee. We were simple.

The Bistrocule was less simple in terms of what metric we consider in order to label chronological order. I decided to go in order of exomemories.

BH-1 I decided goes for Joey C. Shx only has noemata [knowings and emotional exomemories but no actual memories] but this still counts as confirmation, at least in retrospect, that shx has hyr own home universe and is not a fictive. As Terry G. mentioned in his, Jasmine did arrive alongside Joey C. quite literally holding her hands, however we are unaware of whether or not they share the same exoreality. Regardless, Jasmine can either confirm that she's from BH-1 at a later date or establish her own BH-7 or higher with ease.

BH-2 easily goes to Kandi.kafe. That's Deenie and 5 subsysmates that came with h3r: Pickles, Ruby, Amber1, Spencer and JD.

BH-3 just as easily goes to the Valentine's and MS. Joey V. who immediately brought Amber V. and Terry R. And then Terry R.'s imported subsysmates: Spruce, Emery, Esme, Luna R. and Lucille. There is also Clover in MS, but it formed here, so while its host and subsystem are from BH-3, it alone is not.

BH-4 has the most people from it, with 2 different subsystems. Trick potentially accessed his first exomemories, some childhood trauma, shortly before Joey V. got here, I don't remember, but his subsyscovery was shortly after, so I'm putting it as 4. This includes Joey I. and then Terry G. and his imported subsysmates Clara, Nathan, Wilson and Mikey, and then Trick and his imported subsysmates Jake C, Connor, Sara and Echo. But Coral, Frances, Luke2 and Lucas C. who all formed in Trick's subsystem here are not from BH-4.

BH-5 is for Rosalie.

And BH-6 is for Avery and Joey A. It might include Avery's subsysmates Briar and Levi D. but it does not include Bailey D. or Davis for sure.

And there are several others from Bistro Huddy so there likely will be other exorealities confirmed and labelled in the future.

While the Bistrocule wasn't as clear cut as my own group, it was still very easy in comparison to the Winslow's.

Dionysus/Drea, Luke Castellan, Percy Jackson, Leo Valdéz and Andromeda. You probably recognise at least one of those names. They're all five married with kids and they have a very non-linear exoreality experience.

Dionysus is from actual Greek mythology. Specifically hy is from The Bacchae and even more specifically the story of Pentheus as well as some others. Hy is also one of several hundred Dionysi in the DionySys and also exists in a Riordanverse reality [Mr. D, called Derek, is a different Dionyso].

In ancient Greece hy had a lover. Many, of course, over centuries but we're focusing on specifically a young prince of Thebes whom hy saved once. Hys name is Kyros and Dionysus brought hym here from hys exomemories [the first to do so and many others have done so as well].

In modern day New York, hys primary lover was Luke. They got married, Luke was made immortal, they were very happy together, and then in the year 2044 they both [with Drea taken alone, not with the whole DionySys] were inexplicably taken to an alternate timeline. That timeline is where Percy and Leo are from. And then Andromeda is from another.

Now at first I considered Kyros and The Bacchae as 1, Luke's first timeline as 2, the second timeline as 3 and Andromeda as 4. And the question was how to categorise Luke and Dionysus. Do I put Luke in both 2 and 3, and Dionysus in 1, 2 and 3? Are we counting where they've been or exclusively where they've come from?

I considered having different letters for different specific sources, and connecting them together with either W for Winslow or WC for Wine Cult. WC-Bc-1 for Dionysus and Kyros, WC-PJO-2 for Dionysus and Luke, WC-PJO-3 for Dionysus, Luke, Percy and Leo and WC-HoO-4 or WC-SoN-4 for Andromeda.

But 3 is tricky, because while Percy is from PJO, Luke is from HoO like Andromeda, specifically TLH. Maybe instead of PJO v. HoO and SoN we should just do RR for Rick Riordan.

Also, Kyros isn't from The Bacchae or any preserved ancient literature. Maybe WC-AG-1 instead? But also I don't actually like how bulky the WC makes it and I don't think that others from EPIC or The Iliad in the Wine Cult should join the same lineup. So drop that actually...

Then I realised, wait a minute, AG-1 is RR-2. Just in wildly different places and time periods, but it is the same universe. So even though Drea is the Dionyso that shows up in the story of Pentheus and other stories especially in The Bacchae, the universe can still be classified as a Riordanverse exoreality, therefore the first timeline is RR-1, the second with Percy and Leo is RR-2 and Andromeda's is RR-3.

As for Luke and Dionysus being in both RR-1 and RR-2, we are specifying that they're from RR-1 with continuity in RR-2.

And there are definitely other sources but I didn't name them. They can name themselves if they ever front again but everyone else has fronted before exomemories or may be a fictive but not an introvect, they're walk-ins from other systems in other universes, such as Zara and Zoe or Eros or Cecil. That would be harder to name... if they want them to be named at all, I do know they all come from terrible systems so...

But! I'm very happy about this.

-- Bob (he/it)

Edit: I forgot Luke also has an imported subsystem o.0 so Nova, Naomi, Lucy and Jack are all also from RR-2

Edit 2: I also forgot Glam has a subsystem so MF-1 also includes Alina.... there's a lot of subsystems....

[plural-rambles]

Sorry if this ends up being a bit of a vent, im just really not sure what to do

So I (host, its kinda complicated but i think relevant that i am always in front no matter what), think we just split a factive of our irl best friend of years??

And I really want to make our new headmate feel comfortable + safe, but also it feels weird and violating towards our friend yk? Especially because he doesn’t know we’re plural.

From what i can gather he wants to use his sources name + be similar to his source, but that makes the rest of us incredibly uncomfy and idk what to do, since i really want to be welcoming and accepting to him

The idea is uncomfortable but you would probably find that you get used to it. It's usually better to let him identify as express himself in a way that makes sense and is comfortable to him rather than to enforce that he can't, no matter how outnumbered he is. Just gotta get used to it.

And even if your friend did know and have a problem with it, that would be plenty grounds to not be friends anymore, he doesn't get a say. His validation and approval would be nice but it's not up to him.

[plural-rambles]

having height dysphoria goes crazy when youre not even bipedal. like youre telling me that i, in all my 6-legged cat-bird-deer-thing glory, am taller than this human body ?? Why am i So Tall

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[plural-rambles]

being pretty much the only polyfrag system thats pro endo fucking sucks (or at least it feels like were the only one the polyfrag tags at least are 99.99% anti endos) like dude??? what is it about polyfrag systems that so many are anti endo??? what the fuck did endos ever do to them like seriously were polyfragmented and get along with endos fine we in fact hold hands with endo systems we love them we are playing minecraft together with them /ref they are our friends not our fucking enemies guys cmon its hard enough being an adaptive system thats pro endo especially because well get mistaken or accused of being one and then harassed on those grounds but it seems to be especially bad in the polyfrag tags sorry if wei worded this bad weve got brainfog rn

[side note your ask button is extremely low visibility at least on mobile the only reason we can press it is muscle memory /info/nm]

smth 'bout the terminology of it. fragments in general and especially polyfragmented systems are seen as predominantly trauma things and so naturally more trauma-associated terminology comes with more sysmeds. see also the high amount of sysmeds in any cdd tag even though there are endos with cdd's. or how a lot of sysmeds are against any term other than "alter" existing at all and a lot of endos don't like "alter" for themselves.

idk if the tag is used much but there is the term polyplural which includes polyfrag, could maybe try those tags? not that it really fixes anythin but

[and thank you]

-- avery (he/it)

[plural-rambles]

what a surprise! always thinking "they need me to be like this. they need me to be like this. they need me to be like this." both in source and here does not do well for your sense of personhood and in fact kind of makes you feel like a tool and nothing else! /sarc. we're working on it

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[plural-rambles]

there's a chance one of our sys members alredy wrote a ramble like this but i might be entirely wrong. this is a long one sorry lollll

something i find interesting that ive also been talking a lot about in therapy recently is our relationship with religion

we are a collectively christian system. we grew up in the church and we're being baptised soon.

you have absolutely no idea how much internal conflict this has caused in regards to one, if we're ready, and two, who gets to front for it. it also raised the question of "if one of us is baptised are we all baptised" and i shut that down real quick because YES obviously shut up don't even start. /j

we have 1.5 parts who believe in the hellenic pantheon (is that the right phrase? forgive me our memory is exactly what you'd expect for a traumagen pre-trauma-processing system LOL). i say 1.5 because one of them i know for sure and the other i'm like... are u a greek christian or a greek every other deity i can't tell.

side note: it's 4am the sun is slowly threatening me i have not slept. i'll sleep after this. basically excuse how drowsy i seem in this it's bc i am

anyway then there's me, the cohost/current host (help), a fictive who was a heavy athiest in source, and the current singular athiest in this system. had religious trauma in source. don't have source mems because introjection doesn't work like that for us so i don't really have it now.

our therapist asked me if she thinks i'm an athiest because of my status as a trauma holder. she said that some people tend to associate the church with their trauma

and i was like yeah no honestly that would make my life a lot easier but. the thing is. jesus is healing to us. and by us i mean everyone but me and 1.5 pagans. and i explained this to her and she was like yeah some people are healed by religion too! and in a way we are. we understand that we need therapy aaaand jesus and to most of us neither is a substitute for the other

but i'm still mad that i gotta attend church sometimes guys please just switch in for me please i cba at 9am on a sunday

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[plural-rambles]

[tw for description of suicidal thoughts]

tfw youre Trying to have your suicidal thoughts in peace but your in-sys partner keeps distracting you and making you stop :| [-A]

do not listen to it. we have been imagining stabbing ourself for like almost an hour now. that is Too Long and he is only upsetting herself [-the partner]

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[plural-rambles]

Hello, I would like to share a rambling lmao.

So I feel like it might benefit my sys to examine this uhh emotion I guess I could call it, but I have no idea how to.

Anyway I keep feeling this… visceral rejection from myself and some others in our sys to the word “alter.” I have no idea why. It seems like a perfectly logical and accurate term, strictly objectively speaking, but I keep getting this… overwhelmingly negative emotional response to it.. Maybe it’s just because I’m not the only one in the sys that shares this sentiment, but it kinda feels like something like… deeper than “we don’t like to use this word,” and it’s just baffling me..

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[plural-rambles]

i feel smaller than my headmates. not in an age way, but sort of - compact ? like there is less of me or my presence is somehow less potent. probably a mix of what my source is and being kind of a fragment

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[plural-rambles]

We don't really have a clearly-defined visual headspace like most systems do* -- for us, it's more auditory and spatial, and I have a strong feeling it's related to our synaesthesia.

*We can get some visual images, but our visual imagination is far weaker than our auditory one. Accessing headspace is closer to daydreaming than what other systems have described.

We physically feel sounds in our head (sometimes the rest of our body). The sound's pitch affects its height (higher pitch = higher placement...) and its timbre affects its "texture" or feel (string instruments feel like parts of our brain are being "plucked"). Left-to-right placement is usually just based on how the audio is mixed in stereo.

How does this relate to our plurality? Well, everyone's voice tends to have a set location, though "migration" is possible. The host (🌌)* is in the centre, 🎹 is furthest to the left, 🪐 is to my right, 🗓️ is a little behind her, etc. Those who haven't fronted for a while are distant, in the literal back of our mind. Everyone's voice and personality has a Vibe.

*The emojis are placeholders for our actual names.

I imagine this is possible without synaesthesia, but for us it's an integral part of how communication works -- and honestly, I just think it's cool.

«✦⅋✧»

<3

[plural-rambles]

we don’t usually have amnesia, at least not bad amnesia. we forget about as much day to day stuff as i would assume singlets do.… so why can i not remember yesterday? like, not all of yesterday. i know we made friends on tumblr yesterday, i know three of the fronters from yesterday, but nothing. i cant remember the morning. i woke up early from the dog barking, thats where the day suddenly blurs. odd enough, i thought today was the 5th. at first, i hadn’t even realized yesterday happened.

it feels so weird, seeing such obvious timeloss in front of us. i cannot stress enough how unusual this is for our system. whats worse is that we started blending as soon as i started to remember yesterday (median sys). what in the world man.

i, i know this is a vent. i hope this is okay with the blog owners.

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