poetic-academic-shit - Tumblr blog

[poetic-academic-shit]

I will not die angry I will not die hurt I will die for our secret I will die for what it's worth

My last thought will be you As my heart slows, I slowly go My final words will be true Lovingly your name is all I will say

I will not die angry I will die for you Not for the war you believe I will die because you told me too

Life for us isn't promised for long This is the outro, our final song We knew it was coming We saw it from a mile away I didn't think I'd go first But if you were gone I can't stay

I'm still in the wind I see you loose your mind I wanted better for your end But life wasn't kind

You will die angry You will die without me You will die of the madness You will die to be free

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

I had to hold your hand So you won't burn down the world I had to allow myself To be reduced to just being the girl I'm both your kryptonite And your saving grace Then you come to me You let the rain hit your face You said life was enough Then two days go by You said you would be tough But then I still made you cry

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

sit in my room playing every record i own,

all in one weekend, trying to let you go

i can only see one star and i'm pretty sure it's a satellite

but i've followed it this far and i can't let it go tonight

it's snowing up in the nothern towns

and i'm learning to live with letting you down

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

Sleight of hand

He always said sorry

For the things he never

Intended to change

[poetic-academic-shit]

You're 15 and you're fed up.

Everything is too much yet too little and you are still never enough. It all gets better but why can't it just be good now.

School sucks. The system is screwing you and you don't even know it before it's too late. 5 different teachers want you to be 5 different special people, a different face for each one of them. You don't know if you want to be that or who you're going to be or who you even are. But screw that because the Chemistry work is due tomorrow so who even has the time to think.

And people have always said you're smart. You know you're smart. So they give you golden opportunities, a chance to be the best again. But they all give you that and holy shit when was the last time you saw your friends or wrote something you loved but hey you got the third-highest grade in your high school last year that's the worst you can be this year. You can't get worse. You don't know what to think. Is this what everyone goes through, can you just not survive? Or are you being held to a higher standard than everyone else? You don't like either of those options. The first one means your failing at being a teenager like it's supposed to suck but people make it through why can't you, you're supposed to be better than them. The second means that someone did think you're better, and hey look at you letting them down, finally crumbling under the pressure.

Your friends are bullshit too. The ones you have left at least. Maybe you lost the ones that could've been when you were a total bitch in middle school. Hey at least your friend agrees, saying she had to tell people that you were nice even though you acted stuck up. It's all bullshit because they all date and hate each other now or you hate them for no reason or they're just distant, because life moves faster than you can hold on. On top of what you have couldn't they be normal?

Your family is okay. Your brothers are further now though. You don't think you miss them until you notice how clean the bathroom is and how unchanged the basement looks when you're gone. You're the only one down there now. You don't miss the screaming, the stomping, and the shoves, you don't you promise. But you've never been an only child before so maybe you'd take it just to know someone else is there. Your parents are trying, just like your teachers and your friends. You know they aren't bad, any of them. You know they're good and true but god it's frustrating when they try. Because it's not working.

You know things are good. Overall at least. Hey, you've got your health. And the artists you love are releasing new music. And there are at least 20 good movies you haven't seen yet. But it doesn't take away the hurt. It just feels like more reasons that you should struggle. Struggle to make it to the other side right? So you can enjoy the good finally? This is where most people turn around, right? You should dive head first. That's the brave thing, right?

So you cry. What else can you do? You feel stuck. What else do you know how to do at this point? At least you're good at crying. You've trained to keep it quiet. And at least the music from the artist you love is a good soundtrack to the sob fest. Pity party. Because you should be grateful and you aren't.

You're 15 and you're fed up. You feel everything and nothing all at once. You're 15. You can't even drive yet. You're happy for the late birthday because, to be honest, you'd be too scared to even try at the wheel. Still. You're 15. Is this what it's like?

[poetic-academic-shit]

You said the world would be a better place with more people like me in it. Would it? All I do is torture myself and if there were more of me we'd only torture each other. Every me needs a someone else. A you. That's the problem. Too attached. Too quickly. I miss my someone else's so much that it makes me nauseous. I can't think of the last time we were all together without getting sick to my stomach. I've convinced myself you hate me. That they all do. I know they don't but they do.

Let's think more. Am I a good person? I want to have more fun but I'm always one step away from my success. Where I want to be. So more of me? You said my laugh is contagious but I only laugh because of everyone else. The light you see is coming at me, not from me. I'm not easy to hang on to, to stay for. I'm never perfect. Always awkward. Too self-involved, too in my own head. Maybe I'm just a fictionalized version in people's heads. If I'm so great why don't we talk.

Why do I do this to me? This is so stupid. It doesn't matter. It's not that deep. I can accept that I am a good person. Maybe I didn't see it all. Or maybe I was just okay. I was good enough. That's okay.

[poetic-academic-shit]

the poet hit send and waited words unwritten new ideas unthought hoping that this time they like the offering

[poetic-academic-shit]

the mirror never changes

it's all just you

i'm afraid i'll never notice

when its all brand new

but i still sit in the wicker chairs

and your photo is still in my phone

i still like the barbeque chips the best

and walk the long way home

i've only got so much of you

stored inside my mind

come back and make me remeber

what used to be mine

and i see your changes

i'm sure your mirror agrees

i see my changes

my reflection won't look back at me

i don't recognize myself

or anyone in this town

we were both happy right?

i never let you down?

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

[poetic-academic-shit]

A girl ran home

She didn't know where

She would go

If they hadn't been there

She was

Better for it

Better for it

Better for it

When trapped she had an escape

Words to fill her head in the day

Repeat to keep the monsters away

Grounding her to help her stay

She was

Better for it

Better for it

Better for it

She had friends who would take a life

If it kept her safe through the night

She knew they were her only light

And the ones that made her feel fine

She was

Better for it

Better for it

Better for it

But she never expected the darkness to fall on them

She knew that things would on day be so different

And she ran through the world

To the light, she's just a girl

Starting to feel like the end of it all

Make it to them before you trip and fall

She is

Better for it

Better for it

Better for it

A girl ran home

Where'd she go

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

I'll have you with broken down walls

Not climbing over not risking the fall

Not waiting for your shit to get sorted

Seasons change and people go

If you want me to stay let me know

Because it was never unimportant

So you can embrace your tragic life

Nobody would claim your living a lie

Or you could take off the glove

Fall with me into an simple love

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

Sometimes all I think I am is the girl that will watch you walk away

See the back of your head and know it will always end this way

Confess that you love

Confess that I don't

Confessions leave me lonely

With you I was never alone

When it hits I can only think it to be my fault

Letting you drive to the cliff where you'd fall

Watching those glassy eyes look at me

And all I am is never enough to hold your hand

We would bicker and be bitter if I let this stand

I'll miss telling you the secrets of the sea

Confess that you need me so I can leave you alone

Tell me you love me so I can let you find a home

Confess that I'm the only one you want

And I'll say that it's not your fault

Sometimes all I think I am is the girl that watched you walk away

Knowing that it's only the fault of mine to let it end this way

Confess that you love me

Have all our lives

Confess that I don't

I can't love you

Confessions leave me lonely

Standing so lonely

With you I was never alone

I hate that now I'm alone

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

You love the sun

I fell for the moon

I think if we talked

It'd still be too soon

I left you out

Of all the plans

Pushed you where I didn't go

And wouldn't hold your hand

I wish I'd turned to see you

Before you took it this far

Couldn't do it through the tears

From all my healing scars

It became my true home

I didn't want to go alone

i want you back i want you back i want you back

Maybe in the end

We could have been friends

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

"I'm sorry, I just, right now, I can't. And I won't allow myself to love you in a way you don't deserve."

"It's okay"

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Because I know that sometimes people are built to fall apart. And if it's meant to be, we'll find a way to fit back together. Fall back to it all."

"And if we don't?"

My voice shook as I spoke those words, she had every right to be angry, but she was simply silent. She just gave a sad smile. I wanted to believe her words but her unfailing faith also surprised me. Then she spoke.

"Then I'll come up with another poetic excuse that justifies losing you"

I knew we both hear her unspoken words.

I don't want to lose you but don't ruin this moment. I will not face my grief with you here.

by me

[poetic-academic-shit]

I'll prefer caramels to coffee

And yours smile to the sun

How you heal my lonely

And joke just for fun

I'll fall for your cryptic messages

And all that poetic academic shit

Those hypothetical premises

How you never knew how to live

And you'll take take it too far

Leave me crying in a car

And you'll never follow

Till I'm long gone

It was so much fun

by me