queernconfused91-blog - Tumblr blog

[queernconfused91-blog]

Fear

I don't know if I see transitioning in my future. My whole world has been reduced to going to work and dreading every second because I am not out yet. And the whole reason I started the job last year in February was to give myself space to come out around new people that didn't know me. But now they do. They know John. The always smiling, always high, always laughing Rasta fellow that sometimes has sad days but blames it on irrelevant B.s. They hear the laughs. The jokes I try and tell. The almost awkward parentish traits I exhibit when asking about home life etc. But they don't know I panic mid shift and run to the bathroom to make sure my unibrow isnt growing back. Or the ingrown hairs from shaving arent too obvious where my beard goes. Or that I constantly check my bulge because even as a cis presenting male, I find my penis to be offensive even in my pants. The mirror in the bathroom is my enemy for now. And so is the one in my car. While I drive the 20 some miles to work, I stare at myself just trying to connect with my body for a second. Trying so hard to even recognize myself. But I can't. These aren't my lips. These aren't my cheeks. This isn't my hyper pigmented face. This just isn't me. And then I cry. I cry because...I'm scared. I'm scared my kids won't understand. I'm scared my wife won't want me if I'm not able to become passable, we haven't really talked about it much. I know she loves me deeply but I'm worried my kids will be taken from me if I'm deemed unfit by friends and family because of transitioning. And believe me. That fear is valid. My family is fucking insane. And living in a town of 2500 people is hard too. Considering coming out as a black transwoman in rural Minnesota...idk. Maybe if I lived in the sticks. Maybe if I hadn't spent the past 27yrs presenting as male. Alot of maybes make it seem like this would be easier if I wasn't me. And quite frankly....I'm not me.

[queernconfused91-blog]

Just the pep talk I needed

some things I wish someone had told me about dysphoria and being trans:

1. sometimes it just feels like apathy. you look at your body and you’re like ‘meh’, or if you look at yourself in the mirror it looks like someone else

2. you can be ok with some parts of your AGAB and still have dysphoria. some ppl hate their genitals but are ok with their chest, some are the other way around, some people hate everything but how tall they are, etc.

3. wanting to be another gender is a symptom of being another gender.

4. if you find yourself overanalyzing and questioning whether or not you “look like (assigned gender)” or “how do people of (assigned gender) act?”, maybe the shoe doesn’t fit.

5. chase the happy feelings. if you feel happy and good about yourself when you bind or tuck, when you change your name, how you choose to dress yourself… those are all little clues. all the happy feelings are meant to lead you to your best self. experiment, play, and try new things. even if you’re not sure it’s right, at least you’ll know because you tried.

[queernconfused91-blog]

Who I am hates who I've been 🎶💿

sometimes it’s hard to exist in a body…

[queernconfused91-blog]

Welp...here we go. I'm approaching 28 fast and still don't know what the hell is going on. I am married to a very understanding being and have been together almost 8 years. In that time we have built a decent life for ourselves. We have 4 kids together ranging 3mos-10yrs. Hmm...oh yeah..I'm queer and confused. And I don't know if I am trans, non binary or whatever the language is. I just know that I am me. And I need to find myself again soon. First post. And not for attention. But to maybe take a first small step at putting my self out there. I'm here. To fully express my truest self. Hey '÷'