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Okay okay hear me out

Cross over between Hannibal and Shadow and Bone (Grishaverse, Leigh Bardugo).

The murder-stag is Morozova's stag.

I know what you're going to say, but Hannibal is obviously a heartrender. You can totally argue he was originally a healer and now specializes in getting people to tell the truth...

and then eats them, idk, we can work the cannibalism in later with the Nichevo'ya or the volcra, I know you feel me on this, little merzost-fueled art projects.

Which, by default, requires us to have Will Graham be The Darkling. And I know what you're gonna say, but Will's definitely the guy standing in the shadows being like "fuck we gotta save all these people, wait why is everyone afraid of me?" "Fine, make me your villain!".. etc etc

And murder-baby Abigail Hobbs gets to be Alina, the Sun Summoner. Who obviously gets led down the path of darkness by our murder husbands.

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How is it possible that there's no Serial Mom fanfic on ao3?

And moreover, how is it possible there's no Hannibal×Serial Mom cross over fic on ao3?

I'm gonna have to be the change I wish to see in this universe. Wish me luck.

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How is it possible that there's no Serial Mom fanfic on ao3?

And moreover, how is it possible there's no Hannibal×Serial Mom cross over fic on ao3?

I'm gonna have to be the change I wish to see in this universe. Wish me luck.

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I cant believe in all the fic I've read, I haven't encountered the arken-plug in hobbit fanfic yet.

Someone needs to get on this.

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Sensing a trend in pony names

Sunset shimmer

Starlight glimmer

Twilight sparkle

Mid-day handy

Afternoon delight

Midnight snack

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Gone But Not Forgotten

They will bring Barb back because she is the third head of the Dragon, the Upside Down is actually the shadowlands of Ashaii.

The Demogorgon is just some really awful shit that Jon will have to deal with later.

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@voneros lost his voice and now sounds like either Voldemort or possibly Dumbledore... he's wearing part of our smol child's Halloween costume because why the fuck not (she insisted) and probably both those men would rock a rainbow unicorn horn and mane. Yeah. There's some crackfic to be had here, I'm sure.

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TBH, Tyrion Lannister shouldn't even be wearing a Slytherin tie or any Hogwarts colors because would not last at Hogwarts. He woulda been thrown out at some point because he got drunk and then was found passed the fuck out in the common room with the Sorting Hat over his dick.

How did he get the Sorting Hat? How did he get into the headmaster's office?

That's none of your business. He drinks and knows things.

THE DEAD ARE COMING TO HOGWARTS.

Honestly while rewatching this scene I realized just how much each of these precious babies fit a house in Hogwarts. Tbh making them all appear young enough to be IN Hogwarts is impossible. Especially Ser Davos. Oh well. Have fun!

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Harry Potter Au in which Harry Potter is a corgi who travels back in time and gets adopted by Draco Malfoy who, thanks to the magical powers of Harry's soft Corgi belly and little waving Corgi Paws, ends up resisting the dark lord and defeating him.

Somehow.

Singlehandedly.

With his trusty corgi sidekick.

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Do Not Re-gift

[Speaking of the silver scarf worn by Gandalf in the last half of the Desolation of Smaug] DMM: I love the fucking silvery scarf Gandalf got from TJ Maxx. VE: that's disrespectful. Galadriel made him that scarf. DMM: she bought it from TJ Maxx. VE: she made it herself DMM: SHE BOUGHT IT AND CUT THE TAGS OFF. SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO KNIT!

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Menstrual Blood in the Harry Potter Magical Universe

Okay, bear with me, has this been done before? The topic is menstrual blood in the Wizarding World. Or since it's menstrual blood, it can't be the Wizarding World, so the Magical World then or the Witching World. Anyway You have to figure, since blood is a magical reagent, we must therefore agree that menstrual blood is a magical reagent and just as powerful because it is blood after all. And of course it's never discussed in the entirety of the Harry Potter series: what is it that the witches of Hogwarts are doing with their menstrual blood? Do they all have Moon jars? Do they use reusable menstrual products or do they just spell this stuff away when it gets dirty? And what happens to things that you vanish or banish? where do they go? Which brings me to my next point in all of this, in instances of fic where Harry Potter is a female instead of a male, why is it Voldemort doesn't just get ahold of some of her -Harry's- menstrual blood in order to resurrect? Why does the blood have to be forcibly taken from the arm? It would be so easy to just steal some used menstrual products and resurrect from that. It would be because, for example, just today I went through probably like four tampons and it was a lot of blood, like way more blood than they used in the movie. You could have resurrected like three Dark Lords with the blood I produce on a "heavy" day and it is easy for someone to get that used tampon, certainly if they work in my office building they just walk in and pull it out of the little trash can. Which brings me back to my original point-slash-question, I don't know what they do with menstrual blood and used menstrual products at Hogwarts, it's literally not discussed. I don't even know. I mean I know they have modern working plumbing because otherwise Moaning Myrtle couldn't hide in the u-bend but that still leaves us asking what the girls and women of Hogwarts are doing with their menstrual blood - a powerful magical reagent. It's got to be a hell of a lot easier to get a hold of a couple of used tampons than to arrange an entire Tri-wizard Tournament in order to steal a student away - at the very end mind you - when technically, since most women on average have their first periods between the ages of 11 and 12, and have, irregular but still frequent periods, like 8 to 12 a year, it wouldn't be that hard to get ahold of some of the savior's blood, if Harry were a female, it just wouldn't be. But beyond that, I'm looking at the more common Harry Potter as a male, there are still plenty of female characters, who are "enemies" of the Dark Lord, whose blood could conceivably be used to resurrect him and I don't understand why we're overlooking this valuable source of blood. And beyond that, I am actually just genuinely curious how they handle periods and menstrual blood in the Magical World. I think this topic is interesting in all discussions of narrative and history. I'm always curious to hear how they handle that sort of thing in the Middle Ages and how they handle it in modern times and I do judge authors based on how realistically they handle bodily functions like menstruation. and I feel like the debate between disposable products and reusable products is still a valid one even in the magical world despite the fact that whenever there's trash you can just vanish it right, you can just vanish your messes, but is that really environmentally responsible? It's a question of resource management at the very least. And I refuse to believe they aren't selling menstrual blood, stolen or donated, in Nocturn Alley.

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Obey your thirst for Final Fantasy road head

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Creative punishment

Voneros: I hope the next fic you read is inappropriately tagged. I hope it's like Draco/Ron. An abomination. We'd call it "Redgold". You'd be all, "Ugh, this isn't what I signed up for." Distractmymind: No, you'd call that pairing "Red Dragon" because it is an abomination. But only if someone dies horribly. Voneros: Wow, so at some point Draco is standing there saying, "Do you see?!" And Ron is staring at his proud and erect penis... his trousers just pooled around his ankles. Distractmymind: I assume Ron is blind for this crossover to work. Voneros: yeah, he would have to be. I guess. Distractmymind: so, the seeing isn't literal then? Voneros: I don't know. I didn't write it. And I don't really recall the scene terribly well.

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Sucked Back in Time

Alright alright, so Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, post-Hogwarts, presumably grudge- fucking, because neither party will admit that they love the other. And Draco cums on Harry's head, hits the scar, and suddenly, in a moment of cosmic resonance, through Draco's love and Harry's mother's love and Draco's cum, Draco is sucked back in time to the night Voldemort tried to kill Harry. Also, Draco, who is stuck in the past, founds a support group for other people who get sucked back in time. Because anyone who loves Harry and cums on his face gets sucked back in time. IDK if Draco would basically attempt to alter the timeline or if he would try to avoid changing things at all costs or if the time travel would be exceedingly temporary or if it wouldn't be time travel at all but like being sucked into a pensieve. I kinda like that last idea best. Goes with the whole sucking theme.

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Snake the drain

I cannot possibly be the first person to shudder in absolute horror over the undoubtedly disgusting state of the plumbing in Hogwarts castle… just, do wizards really strike you as the sort to engage in regular infrastructure maintenance?

No.

Obviously not, otherwise they would have found those f*&king huge tunnels under the school ages ago and the Chamber of Secrets, too.

Meanwhile, Tyrion Lanister is sitting off to the side going, “these pipes are clean!”

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"Benedict Cumberbatch, Vampire Space Lord."

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I'm sure it's been both said and done but I need a fic with this as the set - up

I'm picturing Draco hired by Hermione on Harry's behalf and then it turns out he's doing this one for free because it's for the good of all wizarding kind or something. The end result is completely platonic and harry ends up going into business with Draco because what can stop a third wheel like the savior of all wizard- kind?

Service Offered: Professional Third Wheel

Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? To nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally. 

Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!

Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend.  More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and  triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them. 

 Package deals: 

The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic. 

The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed. 

The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone. 

The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell. 

The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.

The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers - the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.  

The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.

The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.    

The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.  

Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences. 

Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.

IMPORTANT: Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.

ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings. ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.