rambilingsofanatichiphobia

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Wow.

“Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle and best at the end.”

— Robin S. Sharma

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crazy and sad world. Nex you didnt deserve the way you were treated, godspeed. As for you mama, I'm so sorry for your loss, I stand with you on this fight!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH OKLAHOMA?

A child is dead, simply for being themselves.

We get told constantly that we should be ourselves, but look what happens when these kids do not fit someone's standards as "normal.""

Nex, along with another transgender teen were being bullied in the bathroom, and three older girls beat the shit out of them.

THE SCHOOL DIDN’T EVEN CALL AN AMBULANCE TO TAKE NEX TO THE HOSPITAL, EVEN THOUGH NEX WAS BADLY BEATEN UP AND HIT THEIR HEAD OFF THE BATHROOM FLOOR.

The fucking school, bullies and the Oklahoma governor should be held accountable for the death of this child.

LEAVE LGBTQ + ALONE. Especially youth.

They are just trying to live their lives as they should, because guess what, they are people.

Nex Benedict was their name. Remember it.

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Random things archived out my notes app

On this episode of things from ,,,

Random things archived out my notes app

we have this cute realization from October 2, 2022:

Quote start:

Is my love too bigg or is theres too small? Growing up I always felt as if I've loved people more than they've loved me and somehow that has transferred into my adult life.

Quote end.

WOW CJ, girl, this one hits deep, but in all seriousness, I still feel this way as a person but I think either I've gotten more used to it or I've realized to give my too big of a love to myself.

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What person/experience/words etc. has hurt you the most?

Being molested at 14 by my 14 year old cousin at my grandma's house in my dead Uncle's bedroom.

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Three days wasted.

On the 4th I woke up at 1 pm so the day felt gone and predictable, I didn't know how or what to do so I got on my phone and scrolled through tik tok and we all know how that goes,15 minutes turned to 30 and 30 turns 5 hours and so on. 6 am rolled around and I was still aimlessly and shamefully scrolling. I knew that if I went to bed I would have a repeat of the day before but if I didn't I could at least get a walk and dose myself with lots of caffeine to survive until nighttime. Clearly, both ideas had their flaws but I went with the second option. It was good- I went on a 3-mile trek or at least a trek is what it felt like after being immobile and having a torn ACL not to mention the excruciating sun which ate at my skin with its heat. Anyway, I had 3 cups of coffee and took vitamins cause why not? Then I ran my mother’s errands with her came home fell asleep for 2 hours woke up to have dinner came back showered and laid in my bed contemplating life then scrolled TikTok with the guilt of life still in the back of my head. See that’s the catch I know what I want and how I want to live but because I am not living that I don't live. I’d rather disconnect and watch other people live out my dreams this creates stagnation in my life and it’s an endless cycle. Anyway, after scrolling for a bit, I put my phone down and masturb8ed because I felt like it, I can't help but feel like a criminal when I pleasure myself, but maybe that's due to the unfortunate sexual trauma of the past or that my mom caught me masturb8ing at 15 and interrogated me on my sexual relations when the truth was I had never had sex but I had been molested in the recent, at the time, past. I don't know why I did it maybe I wanted to see if I was capable of pleasure? I don't know that's not really something I feel like getting into right this second, perhaps for a future post, we can dive into that whole experience because there is so much more I want to expand on but I digress. The point is I went back to scrolling (after I washed up again I'm not an animal) (even where I’m anonymous I still feel like I need to explain myself) and stayed up until 4 am even though I knew how tired I was. I woke at 2 pm and repeated the 4th, I hate that I live this way, I’m trying to break out of it. Things are looking up though, currently, I’m onboarding for a new job I’m actually excited about. Thank the higher powers or co-creators that it is out of the restaurant/fast food industry because that was a truly troubling time. This job truly feels like a ticket to the life I want to live. I can get my place and make enough money to travel and I feel like this is what I’m supposed to do next, I’m seeing the angel numbers, ifykyk. I’m thinking of starting content creation on TikTok because I know the doors it can open for me with the proper dedication and creativity. I also love how work can be as creative as I am and I can be my boss, The only thing is I care too much about what people think, but I need to get over myself.  I got this! And I’m so sorry if you can relate to the sadder parts of this post, I know it's hard but have grace with yourself this is your first time living (unless you believe in reincarnation, which I do but I think I am a young and old soul in different ways, so a middle-aged soul). I know I’m in no position to be giving advice but truly do what makes you happy and get screen limitation like I did, if we want to change our lives we ourselves have to change. And remember you miss 100000% of the shots you don't take. Just say Fuck it and do it, DREAM BIG. 

“Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about” -Winston Churchill