ramblings-of-a-depressed-gay

[ramblings-of-a-depressed-gay]

Catfishing - Misleading photos and bios to trick others into meeting.

I'm sure a lot of us are suffering from boredom, during the Covid-19 lockdown. I have spent my time masturbating a little too much, videogaming a little too much and bulk watching entire seasons of tacky US reality tv. In particular, after 3 bottles of wine with my housemate, we fell into a loop of watching Catfish : The TV show.

Laying in my bed lastnight, not able to sleep, I started thinking about the few times, that I know of, that I have been catfished or mislead on dating profiles.

The weirdest by far and most recent was on Grindr. A guy sent me an opening message that was just a picture of a very impressive physique and even more impressive cock. I was horny and intrigued and asked for a face pic, as I normally do. He was hesitant at first and it triggered some red flags as he kept saying he was discreet and married but had a camper van he wanted to pick me up in, drive into some woods and fuck....Eventually, he gave in when I insisted I needed a face pic. I had no plans to go ahead with his creepy camper van plans but it became a bit of a personal mission to get a face pic. When I got one, I was even less interested in meeting. The face clearly did not match the torso of the first image he sent. It just didn't seem likely. Getting annoyed at this point, I confronted him. Again, zero intention to meet but I was pissed at the idea that I was being lied to. He agreed to send me another pic to prove it was him and sent another picture of a cock...Except it was a different cock. As beautiful as the first one but different. The first one was clearly uncircumcised - the second was not. I mean, he could have been circumcised before the second picture was taken but there was something really off about this guy and the situation. The messages came across very desperate and I just knew I was being lied to. I pointed this out to him and he sent me another picture. This time. It was my own picture. Then it all fell into place...I remember taking the picture for a specific guy who I had never met but had talked to for a while. I quickly made the point that it was my own cock and was blocked instantaneously. I still don't know whether the first guy, the one I sent the cock pic to, was the real person or the guy who sent me my own pic was but either way. I was blatantly being catfished.

Another time, was years ago. I think I was maybe 19 or 20 at the time so about 7 or so years... A naive time before I discovered Grindr and only wanted to date and fall in love not hook-up and fuck. My childhood friend and I had recently reconnected after going to different high schools and we talked about dating. Neither of us had romantic partners and we both wanted one. I told him that I was on POF (Plenty Of Fish) but wasn't really getting anywhere. Chatting to guys but no dates yet. Me and my friend, Xander (not his real name but close), stayed in touch and met regularly from this point. I don't remember exactly how long it was after this reunion but it wasn't long - I started talking to a lad on my POF profile. He messaged me first and was exactly my type. I was young and optimistic and after a few weeks of talking to him, I felt like I was in love. He seemed to really get me as a person. He was handsome and cultured and always made a point of messaging me back. We talked for weeks and weeks but the subject of meeting up was never broached. Eventually, I took the plunge and asked him. He was evasive about it at first but agreed that we should, at some point. I had seen enough pics of him to believe wholeheartedly that he was real. One night, we were both horny and we even sexted and sent private pictures of ourselves. The pics he sent back matched the pics of his face and tattoos on his torso, so I had no doubts that it was really him. But he still wouldn't agree to meet. Eventually, I lost interest and we stopped talking. I hadn't seen Xander for a while, as he had moved to Liverpool with work. About a year later, I got a message on POF from the guy who I had been speaking to. We swapped BBM pins and he agreed to meet me and asked when I was free. I jumped at the chance and we planned to meet the following weekend. We planned a coffee at Costa and a walk round the local park. Saturday came and I dressed and re-dressed probably about 20 times out of sheer nervousness that I was getting to finally meet this guy. I went into the town centre and walked into the costa early. I was pleasantly surprised to see my mate Xander working at one of the tables with his laptop. He seemed surprised to see me and I sat with him while we waited. My date hadn't shown up an hour later and hadn't had any responses to my messages and so I took it that I had been stood up. I needed a drink and Xander agreed to come with me for some food and a pint. At some point, I went to the loo and I finally got a message back telling me that something had come up and he was sorry. His message said he also had something to tell me. It turns out....Xander had been this lad all along. He said he had been thinking to come out as bi-sexual to his family, for some time and wanted me to know before he did but didn't know how to tell me. He said he had made the profile to ask for advice because he was too shy to ask. He said he had always had a crush on me but felt like I would never be interested. I felt betrayed and I couldn't see why he would do this to me and so I left the bar without saying goodbye. I paid the tab and left. Some years later, me and Xander became very close, for a about a year (before he fucked me over again. I'll save that for a future post) but it took quite some time to get over the betrayal. He never did tell me whose pictures he had been using or how he got the nudes.....

The third time I can recall, wasn't a massive catfish scenario but his motives scare me, when I think about it. Again, I was on POF and I was messaging a guy from Leeds. He was attractive and seemed genuine and within hours we had planned a date for the next day. Sean (real name, as far as I know) turned up and was a lot older than he said he was and clearly used pictures that were a few years old. He apologised for misleading me and plied me with drinks to make up for the fact that he hadn't been honest. The date didn't last too long though, he got arsey with me for not wanting to go to his hotel room and have sex with him. He even offered to buy me an iphone or a laptop if I agreed to let him snort cocaine of my hard dick. I decided it was best to leave when he told me that he had picked me over another lad that he was messaging at the same time as me and I should be grateful for all the drinks he bought.....Needless to say, I never spoke to him again.

It does make me wonder....All the other guys I have spoken to over the years who I never met....Where they genuine or was I being catfished. Why do people do it? I don't think it's right but at least I can kind of wrap my head around why somebody would use older pics of themselves to almost lure somebody in but can they really expect somebody to be okay with being okay with this when their lies are exposed? Should we be more careful who we send our intimate pictures to as they could be used to complete this fake identity that somebody else has created using your pictures? How common is catfishing and what exactly constitutes as being a catfish or catfishing somebody? Is using an older picture of yourself just as bad as using somebody else's pictures to try and entice somebody to meet and ultimatelybinto bed? In some way, is it your own fault if you fall for a catfish's lies and should you be more cautious about who you are talking to?

I would love to hear the catfish experiences of others and hear how this affected them and how they have learnt from the experience(s).

[ramblings-of-a-depressed-gay]

[ramblings-of-a-depressed-gay]

GAY DATING APPS - HOW SHOULD WE DEAL WITH RESPONDING TO SOMEBODY THAT WE AREN'T INTERESTED IN?

So. - My First post. I've been thinking about making this blog for some time now. Getting over a recent mental breakdown and with being in isolation due to the Covid-19 crisis, it seemed like the perfect time to do so....Plus it pulls me out of a porn/video gaming cycle that probably isn't too healthy....

Anyway - I figured that the best place to start my ramblings is by talking about gay dating apps and how they may affect the mental health of the people that use them.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday and we briefly spoke about Grindr in particular. We compared stories of the rude interactions that we have had and debated whether we ourselves have ever been rude or bitchy to guys who have messaged us.

The conversation turned to how the level of bitchiness, patticularly here in Manchester, where I recently moved, is higher than anywhere that either of us have previously lived. Both of us had experienced the old chestnut "well, you're ugly anyway..." followed by a swift block having expressed no interest to meet guys based on an opening picture message of a hole or a cock. Both of us have suffered the embarrassment of taking a risk by sending a face pic to a guy who is clearly out of our league and being met with an instantaneous block but we have also been in the game for long enough to know how it is on these apps. I guess you could say that we have developed a thick skin. Our thoughts turned to the "new" gays. Those that may have struggled with their identity. Maybe had a bad coming out or struggled with accepting who they are. Those kind of experiences must really damage their self-esteem.

I like to think that I am a god looking lad. 6'1. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Good build. Relatively fit. I know I am nothing special but I'm okay with that. Yet, even I feel my self-esteem drop when I get that instant block from the guy who looks like a personal trainer with his washboard abs and I wonder if I am just aiming too high or whether I am actually ugly. It's not a crime to not be attracted to somebody yet it still kind of hurts to be told that you aren't attractive, to them....

We then discussed how we handle the situation ourselves. Nobody likes to admit it but most of us a pretty contradictory when it comes to this type of thing. I try to always respond to a message, even when I am not interested. Typically as below but I can't say for certain that I have never blocked a guy who wasn't my type or was looking for something that I wasn't :

"Not interested, mate. Good look though. I hope you find what you are looking for."

I have always thought that this was a polite way to handle this situation but isn't it just as bad? Maybe the block is better because it doesn't rub salt in the wounds as badly. To actually acknowledge the person messaging you but still shutting them down in an almost patronising way....Maybe just ignoring the person is the right way to go about it? Yet, I would feel rude to do it that way.

Is there a right way to deal with this situation? Would you prefer to be ignored and/or blocked or would you prefer somebody to let you know directly that they aren't interested? Should we care about the mental health of somebody who is messaging us and how our responses may affect them or is this not our responsibility? Maybe it's not even that deep. After all....Aren't we all on Grindr for the same thing?