ravens-realm

[ravens-realm]

Tales From A Dive Bar PODCAST

Hello everyone! I have not used my blog in quite a long time, but I wanted to assure everyone that healing has gotten me pretty damn far. There is so much more to do. So much more love to go around.

That being said, I wanted to post a link to the podcast I am a part of, which is now on SPOTIFY! Woohoo!

[ravens-realm]

10.31.23

It is insane. Think about it. A man's semen can live inside a woman for up to 7 days.

I am wanted, but not wanted. I am needed, but not needed. Good enough to cum in, but not good enough to stay.

I am yours, but I'll never be yours. You are mine, and you'll always be mine.

[ravens-realm]

Thought Bubble 1 [9.22.23]

I am self aware. I am anxious AND secure. I am depressed, yet amazingly and beautifully self-fulfilled-- I am grateful-- beyond blessed and resilient.

I will always be a dichotomy.

I am not afraid of being alone. I have never been afraid of solitude. I am not afraid of chaos. I have never been afraid of the abyss.

I come with warmth and love, but there are fears deep within me that manifest as rage....

Is this why I have been called a "heavenly hell" by so many in my life?

[ravens-realm]

Epiphany - Secure in Chaos

After reading my second book on attachment theory, I came to the realization of 3 things about myself:

I have a predominantly anxious attachment style with strong secure attachment tendencies. Generally, my mindset and behaviors are secure.

I did that. I taught myself (with still much to learn) secure thinking and tactics. I wanted to be securely attached and I went through many healing journeys to get to the point where I reinforced secure thoughts and behaviors, and developed over time beautiful interpersonal skills. Yes, anxiety still speaks to me from the depths of Little Me's heart and soul. I will never be done healing, and I know this. I am okay with this. However, I have always taken accountability for my weak moments, my actions/behaviors...

When I think about the aforementioned statements and reflect on the man who brought me here on this healing journey, I have realized that I came to him always from a secure place. Sure, there were moments dappled with anxiety, but at some point I voiced my needs. Not only did I voice my needs, I validated him and approached him with his well being in mind. This even occurred during the most chaotic of times...even up until our last time together. Unfortunately, my anxious attachment was re-activated way too many times to keep my head straight- none of it makes sense, still, well until it does.

I shall pause there because I am still figuring it all out. There are so many new questions.

[ravens-realm]

The first time our eyes met across a crowded room, it was not love at first sight. Love did not grab me by the throat. Instead when I looked at you, I saw the flowers in the meadow I used to play in as a child. What I mean to say is, every time I think of you, I remember the safest, most sacred place I ever knew. Every time I touch you, my whole body blossoms with wildflowers.

Nikita Gill

[ravens-realm]

[ravens-realm]

as an overthinker, i really need things made clear to me.

[ravens-realm]

Dreams 9.19.23

Sharp Objects that have a mind of their own. No item wielded by man.

Scene 1

I was in a car as a passenger with another person. In waking life, I do not recognize the car or the person. I cannot recall if the person in the driver's seat was a male or female.

Chainsaws. All different sizes. Chaotically and violently hacking up my body. Perhaps the passenger was affected, but I cannot recall. Blood. Bone. Screams.

Yet, after a while, I didn't feel anything.

Scene 2

Scissors.... the dream seemed to go on for hours with intermittent tossing and turning, opening my eyes for a second to readjust.

I was balancing, running on top of, elliptically, giant sharp silver scissors that would not stop opening and closing.

This was more uncomfortable than the chainsaws.

[ravens-realm]

— Audrey Niffenegger, from ‘The Time Traveller's Wife’ (via lunamonchtuna)

[ravens-realm]

I need to remember this during our time apart. I need to continue healing and finding my true self.

If someone hurts you, it's okay to let them go. It's not about love, but more about feeling stuck or needing them. It's important to think about why you feel this way and do what's best for you. Always put your well being first. Letting go of someone who causes you pain or harm is an act of self preservation and self love. It's important to differentiate between love and attachment. Love is a selfless emotion that wishes the best for the other person, even if it means parting ways. Attachment, on the other hand, can be rooted in fear, insecurity, codependency, or the need for validation. It's crucial to introspect and understand the nature of your feelings to make the best decision for yourself.

[ravens-realm]

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

— Matt Kahn

[ravens-realm]

I passed by your lane

Today, and thought I was

Coming home to you, coffee

And rain, a balcony overlooking

The city that gave you your name

But I am a shadow of your past that

Lies in your attic, wrapped in your

Poems, safekept inbetween the lines................

everytimeyousaygoodbye ©

[ravens-realm]

Break 9.18.23

We are on a break. It took almost 3 days to finally get a defined sense of things. At first, he could not see the difference between taking a break and breaking up. Then, I broke up with him. I was going to wipe him out of my life completely, and then I couldn't.

We spent Sunday together. It was bittersweet and magical. I was under the impression that we were broken up, but it was also decided that we remain friends. Sex. Drinks. Food. Music. Stormy Weather. Tears. Football. Future Talk.

Blurred Lines - - I had to text him this morning.

I asked him to clarify our status to confirm our boundaries to protect us. He said, "We are friends and working on things together, while also taking time apart." And then I had to reach for courage to ask for further clarification, because in my head, that does not make sense.

"Are we friends with benefits, no longer dating, no longer exclusive, no strings attached, while working on things together and taking time apart? OR Are we friends with benefits, like exclusively dating, working on things together while taking time apart?"

He replied, "The second one unless it doesn't feel right and you prefer the first option."

Ladies + Gentleman, that is a BREAK. So, at the end of this conversation, we agreed to the following:

We are friends

We are friends with benefits

We are exclusively dating

We are working on things together

We are taking time apart

We are going to actively work on ourselves during our time apart

We value the relationship

I will try to give him as much space as possible

I am not putting a timeframe on reconnection yet

We are going to go with the flow during this time apart and just feel it out

[ravens-realm]

he was all the stars in the sky but during the daytime. he was always there yet never. how can someone be present yet be absent? how can your most beloved lover feel like a stranger?

-trusha gaigole

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[ravens-realm]

I'm scared to love you but even more scared to lose you.

[ravens-realm]

In some parallel universe, I know you held me tighter. You tried harder. You said, “Look my love, I will meet you halfway.”