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It's crazy that I feel more in control when I'm losing my mind, scrubbing toilets while "dowloading porn with davo" blasts behind, my, my insides screaming from yesterday's heat stroke. I can't stop, I can barely sit but there's an unfamiliar burning in my gut. It feels like I chugged listerine and milk an hour ago. My ears are buzzing like soda dissolving my ear drums. My heart is beating, but it's always beating. I'm sober but i'm incoherent.

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did anyone else train their personalities on wiki how? I used to read a bunch before bed, lay down and pretend I was computer being updated.

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He didn't miss a beat too

Me: I look like a 12 year old boy sometimes, I think it's a special part of my charm. My brother: that's probably why old men are so attracted to you.

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Low Quality doodle

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Drunk Call

You called me again, every time you call I feel my faith in humanity slip. It was 2pm and you're afraid of blacking out in the smoke shop miles away. You just needed someone to talk to, you asked me questions I've answered several times before, and usually I am an open book to everyone else, but not to you.

Last time we were together you sobbed because without me you'd be nobody, no one listens like I do, you were crying so loud that a car stopped and asked if we needed help. I lied to you for your comfort, I did stay in this town with you in mind but you never once truly listened. I just know how you get drunk and we were on a bridge on a highway.

You told me you loved me no one but me, and you desperately needed me. I don't tend to have female friends, maybe that's why I cling back onto you, but you gave me a beautiful speech. I rethought our entire friendship.

Then you pinned me to the wall In the bathroom at the park. I wasn't going to leave you there, so i pushed through. I'm glad I lost my phone running away when you stole that bottle. In a weird way I'm glad you stole that bottle.

I was so drunk I peed a little the third time I fell, and had I not lost my phone, I would have been calling for help. We had sex 3 times that weekend and I questioned everything in me that second time.

Having sex with you felt like drowning. The way that you said, "We're bipolar, we're hypersexual," in my ear when I told you I didn't want to spoke volumes. The way you undress me the second you turn the lights on, the way that when you called me you hung up the second your first option called back, the way you destroyed my confidence to go for the guy I think I like.

Maybe sex will always make me feel like drowning. You made me feel dirty, you make me look in the mirror in the worst way possible. You reaffirmed that I don't want to be that drunk party girl I once was.

The second you finished you called your ex, and he was disinterested in your presence, even after you gave him that speech that so easily fooled me. I drank half of the bottle of Titos and while I was numb, undressed, tears streaming down my face hearing you cry, beg, "Please don't leave me." over and over to a man that never loved you in the first place. I was right there, waiting. I was so drunk I was rocking back and forth involuntarily.

You made me feel dirty, you make me look in the mirror in the worst way possible. You reaffirmed that I don't want to be that drunk party girl I once was. I knew that leaving highschool behind really was the right move. I burned myself 4 times trying to get your fingerprints off of me. You are incapable of love and always have been.

I don't trust my luck with women anymore, this has happened every time. I'd rather be straight.

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Daily

You and I haven't talked in a while, when we talk we don't really talk. We just bully each other until you have to go to bed. If we were to a talk, I'd like to go back to how desperate men are. I was smoking a cigarette and remembering a 54 year old man who was relentlessly hitting on me.

Even though you are technically a man you listen, or at least pretend to. I'd like to think you are listening, usually you just say "shut up" when I'm on an annoying tangent and I actually admire that, I genuinely I do.

Sometimes I need a reminder that other people have feelings too as terrible as it sounds. When you tell me to "shut up" it doesn't come off as mean spirited, or rude and I probably should have taken the time to tell you I appreciated that instead of moving on to the next topic so fast, or I could always have said it the next day instead of sitting on it for over a month. Better yet I could open up a dialogue now, let you know I'm thinking of you. It's also midnight, and I know you're playing a stupid video game I'm not into and I'd like you to enjoy it.

We don't have to speak daily but I'd like to, because as odd as it seems you're kind of my best friend even though we only speak here and there. It's been 4 years and you haven't once forced me to do anything I didn't want to. You do take the bit too far sometimes, sometimes the playful flirting feels too real. Sometimes I tell my family about you, the jokes that you tell. That sounds totally lame, all of it does. I think I told you about my tumblr but you're not much for social media. If you read this no you didn't you're lame.

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Who Me?

After speaking to a new man for well over an hour, I listen patiently, I listen closely wondering if this next paragraph will end in a question mark, or yet another period. It's a period, an end to a rant about children's movie with a cult following. I spent hours scripting my wording to a question that never came. This, this skipped over detail left me emptier than a one night stand, emptier than the cans on my desk, emptier than I've felt in a long time. "You seem really cool we should talk tomorrow" they say. Well, I am cool. I have dirt ender my nails from digging myself out of several holes, I have uneven hair from uneven weeks, I have unkempt hair on my legs that prove my priorities are in order.

I am cool, but you wouldn't know, you didn't ask me one thing. That feeling you have is the reflection of yourself in my patient eyes. We bid each other good night 3 times, and I try not to shake when I sit at my desk. I try to remember all my feelings, all the details, I try to collect them, I try to pretend you asked me anything. Even with my jaw clenched shut I stumble over my words.

Who me? I'm a girl who got knocked up at 17 trying to learn about her own body. I'm a girl who has sacrificed everything I had already, hoping that one day what left me would come back. I'm the girl that doubts, I doubt that what goes around really comes around. I fear that one day, one day soon my kindness will need to be transactional for my own sanity. Maybe it's someone else's turn this time. Maybe I won't be the twelve year old with a grown man's head in her lap, listening closely to the information, the lore of a cartoon with a cult following to cloak the looming dread. I am the provider of my own comfort.

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Sketchbook cover!! I completed this back in Febuary for the new year.

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MIKOV INOX FISH KNIFE | LISTING

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I'm not like,, a love song expert. But there are some very sweet kinda lovey songs that i like — even though they don't all necessarily meet the criteria of a love song, but i went through my playlist (2945 songs) and put this together for you. Hopefully there's something useful you can pull.

None of them even mention masturbation <3

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7FyNIlmc3IC5pxYGEPafOH?si=lXWEY3mdSEysgRrc02daLQ

Omg thanks lolol I will try them out.

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Ramshackle Glory performs Vampires Are Poseurs at The Union Project in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 6/26/14

— Video credits to Folk the System on YouTube —

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New marriage idea;

Switch ring fingers, it's much more romantic and permanent.

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me + dead me + hot me

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moi

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Pinterest

I've been trying to writes a manifestation board on Pinterest. I'm starting to feel like I need something new, maybe I'm missing something. I've been going through my music, my comfort shows, I'm starting to wonder if singing songs that relate me to my past are holding me back.

I'm realizing there's nothing on my media radar I truly want to bring to fruition. Life keeps moving so I'm always outsourcing my misery to the shows I watch, the music I'm listening to, the things I write...

My heroes sing, "I'm not a Good Person" say things like, "I will be alone probably the rest of my life", and other things about how the world might just be inherently doomed. I've never been one for wishful thinking, or general getting off my ass but the more I delve deep into these feeling the more I learn about myself.

I listen to Midwest emo, and Folkpunk not because that's the goal, but that's where I'm from. I've been a homeless teen, I've cut myself and acted crazy in a police station because I needed to prove I was a danger to myself to get help. But really I want what everyone wants, someone funny to wake up to, someone who chose me.

Yes, I may have been tortured my whole life, I may have been abused by most people I've trusted, I may not believe in our government; But all I really want is the American dream. All I want is freedom, a white picket fence, a litter of kids, a mundane job. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder, begging for help, needing a vice. I just want to be normal.

We live in a world where feeling "at home" rarely means comfort, we search for people that remind of us that feeling but that puts the youth and the mentally ill people in a place that is not safe. We romanticize home and we end up walking on eggshells.

Home isn't even a place, not for me anyway. I've always been on the run from myself, I've always been on my own, never been safe anywhere. I've never trusted a roof over my head.

How can I manifest anything without knowing what it is I want in my life? Maybe the crow that brings me roadkill will bring me a sign tomorrow, unless he's sick of apples...