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that last sentence is no longer applicable in re reading rhis but damn did the rest of this age so poorly i hate being strong alone i hate it so much let me be weak please

today she said “you’re so strong handling it on your own” i want to scream and yell and kick and fight bc i don’t want to do it on my own, i don’t think i can do it on my own anymore i want a break so desperately bad, i want someone to listen when i cry and grieve over my dad, or to care when they are hurting my feelings but i don’t have that option, bc to her i am just a friend and to me she is my future i feel i’m gonna be stuck here forever at this point

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love elizabeth s.

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But when you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once, and their dying doesn’t stop with their death. You lose them a thousand times in a thousand ways. You say a thousand goodbyes. You hold a thousand funerals.

-Sara Seager, The Smallest Lights in the Universe: A Memoir

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where do i put all my anger if not in my body?

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diary entry- 22-6-25

my therapist told me to journal and express my emotions but i don’t always like that idea especially not to other people, i feel like i could scream into the abyss endlessly but i couldn’t explain that emotion to sometime else, i think i need to talk to someone when something is wrong but what do i even say? the words fail me and i don’t know how to explain any of it how do you explain the feeling that is deep and dark inside the back of the rib cage that feels like a black hole eating away at you. I can’t bring myself to say the words… my dog is dead, i killed my dog bc i couldn’t be enough i couldn’t do enough i was weak and scared and now he’s dead and gone buried with my other pets i love him so much it feels like a piece of myself is missing i walk into my bedroom and listen for him when i come home everytime a dog barks outside i silently want to cry and part of me delusionaly wonders if it’s him, but he’s dead and i’m never gonna see him again or hear his bark again, and i feel so fucking alone soooo sooo alone everyone says to reach out but i cant ask directly for anything without feeling guilty and riley wants jake with her all the time and suddenly i am no longer her person or the most important person in her life but i don’t think she realizes she’s half out the door of our friendship i keep thinking just give her more time but i don’t feel less alone ever and i so so so desperately want to be held and loved and cared for i like kaz i like kaz so much but i’m so touch starved and i have to learn to let my walls down and let kaz in before i can have a real relationship but idk if they even want that bc they feel so far away and fuck i miss my dog a lot i miss my dog so much

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I’ve genuinely considered shattering every mirror in the house so I won’t have to see my own reflection.

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the “i wanna go home” never leaves my head even when i’m physically sitting in my bed

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naps hit different when ur using them to avoid being alive

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"slut era" i say as i rot and decay in my bedroom and watch the years pass me by as i miss out on core experiences other people my age are having while i think about the past

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And after all these years

After growing, after making new friends, after meeting new people, after seeing new places

Sometimes, in my heart, I still wanna go 'home'.

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I feel so lifeless I just want to go home which is worse because I don't know where home is...

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i will always still be learning, and that’s okay