realthoughtsrawemotions

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

Sacred Space

I’m at Starbucks. We just got back from Meagan’s grad party. I feel out of place socially. But I also didn’t want to force interaction. It’s weird. Like I should want to get to know others and in the past I’ve tried asking questions to see if I could spark ups conversation. But I had zero actual interest so people could sense the fakeness and would either get defensive or the conversation would die off. So I didn’t say much. This gave me time to connect with Abby. I’ve been liking doing that more. That crowd wasn’t really my people. But I did like connecting with Meagan at the end. I told her that learning is something you do everyday and you can seek out your own knowledge. I think I can’t fake talking to different crowds. I wonder why I get quiet. I’m not always quiet but I am often quiet. Even at Somaheart I get quiet. I don’t know why. I thought that would be my crowd too. I think one on one or maybe a group of 3 max. Like trying to pay attention to multiple peoples perspectives at the same time is hard. I have so much more than a conversation. It’s like I’m navigating where their body is where the room is what the energy of the entire crowd is and then at the very end of all of that what they’re actually saying. So by the time they talk I’m exhausted by everything else going on.

This is an ongoing thing. Chat says to reclaim my confidence from within yet I don’t like talking in social setting. Should I also work on my social anxiety. It’s tough to know. When I was younger and single I worked on my social anxiety a lot. Most of it was to meet a girl but honestly I was so lonely making any friends was welcoming. But in the back of my mind it was to meet a girl. Then I met Abby and I slowly stopped working on my social anxiety. I still pursued spirituality even more and healing through counselling and men’s work. But the confidence and social anxiety part I stopped pursuing.

It was fun though. Going up to strangers and talking to them just cause. Seeing some people really open up. I used to really enjoy that. I could feel the energy shift once people started to open up. When conversations stopped becoming about what we did for a living and became more focused on living itself. Like silly questions and little things we like. Not even the big stuff like dreams and aspirations but more so what qualities of life made a person light up. Not so much where I wanted to go and where they ended up but the parts of conversation that revealed who they were. I was far more interested in learning who the person I was talking to was rather than who they were trying to be or portraying themselves to be. Like I really enjoy helping people believe in themselves and to know and see their own strength. When their confidence shines through and they take a I don’t know if I can to a I totally can. It can be with anything though. I just like seeing people believe in themselves but not from a place of arrogance but almost gratitude and wonder. Like they’re blessed to be receiving this gift but they know it’s not a one off because they’ve always possessed it. I like when people’s inner realities start to show in their outer reality. Sometimes that’s scary though. Like we have so much chaos and bad intentions sometimes. Jealousy, greed, lust and the like can fester in the mind that if my inner world made its way out I would be terrified. Yet I have good intentions and joy and pleasure and excitement inside of me too. And I’d like to see that seep into my outer world too. I guess that’s the risk of letting it out. That all my cruel qualities may also surface. And I’ll be seen for all of myself and honestly some days I’m a really bad person. Or at least I feel like it. Like I wouldn’t be safe to be around. But I hide it. If it got found it, I feel like I would do more harm than good. So why bother. If I’m hurting others why even bother letting my inner world out. It’s there for a reason. Because it was never allowed out. So I’ve made a habit of staying quiet to protect others from myself. From my judgment, my jealousy, and my rage. But in the process these things grew deeper inside of me. I couldn’t get rid of them and I also could excavate and bring out the good I had in me either. So this evil dwells and bury’s the good. How much harm would I cause if I let all of that out. I don’t actually know. When it seeps out people cringe or look away. They couldn’t handle 1% of me 100% of me would kill them. But keeping it is killing me.

I used to just have fun talking to people because it was a new story and new adventure. I hate asking people what they do or what their schedule is. I hate that. I genuinely want to know someone without a story based on them. I want to just discover them. Without agenda or trying to internally label them. I don’t want information about them I want to know them based on how we talk. Not because I’m trying to decide their character but because who they are just jumps out at me so obviously. They become unlimited exploration. Every sentence a new discovery of their soul. Every facial expression a layer of emotion. Yet they are not fixed. I don’t put them into my favourite hogwarts house or try to guess which zodiac sign they are. I don’t try attribute an element to their personality and see who they remind me of. I just see them continually. Whether they pause or speak, I just continue to see them. Not judging or even discerning really. Just embracing and being with. This is exciting for me because it’s like travelling to new lands. Like an explorer finding the undiscovered territory. At least undiscovered to me. And then being able to be excited by this newness while knowing that this space has been around long before I ever came here. Like it’s been waiting to be found and just the gratitude I feel that I’m even apart of something so much bigger. That shit lights me up. I like people I just hate personalities. I like the flavours of expression and when I have the capacity I can sit back and enjoy the show. But more and more the show gets exhausting and played out. I want something real and original and that isn’t in the next grandiose expression of self. It’s actually contained and expressed in the moments when the mask drops. When the “boring” person comes out. The one who doesn’t flare themselves up and try to be outgoing. The one who just is whatever they really are. This personality is my favourite. Because it’s not really a personality. It’s just truth in the moment. And from there infinity is possible. Because they can be anything. Anything they want and more importantly anything they really are. It’s not a script or played out. It’s a discovery of who they are. And I like that. Because it’s not predictable yet it’s like home. We wear these masks to feel safe and try to interpret others masks to feel safe. “I don’t have the space to handle anything outside of what I know”. Yet these performances don’t feel like home. They feel like my entire life is going from one show to another show. Like it never ends. And some times it’s exciting to go to so many shows but other days it’s exhausting. Like I just want to go home and feel the embrace of something real. So when the mask and the performance is put away I just feel safe. Even in its unpredictability I know that I am carried. Carried to the truth of our beings and being held by unconditional acceptance for where we are.

There’s so many games to play. An infinite amount of games. But I’m just exhausted of playing games all the time. I need a space to be myself and it eases my heart when I am in these spaces. This written exploration is a space for me to return home. Welcome home Cody, have a seat, and remember who you are.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

The Pandemic was a Portal into Ourselves

What if the pandemic was a manufactured placebo. Vaccinated and unvaccinated unaffected by the drug. At least physically. The virus was not a virus of the body but of the mind. To test our allegiance to each other. To give both groups a sense of moral superiority. Vaccinated believing they are smarter and taking care of the sick. Unvaccinated believing they have to know something the other group doesn’t and are forging their own path. Both groups believing they have their own sense of agency in all of this. Like they haven’t been controlled for the last 5 years. Yet we turn our backs on our friends, create walls over our hearts and forget what’s actually important. We trade human connection and our souls development for the illusion of being right. We think we are unaffected by the vaccine if we do not take it, yet we distance ourselves from family and friends and hide our truth. Or speak a twisted version of our truth that naturally repels others away. The body may appear clean by not engaging, yet the mind is suppressed and so the body follows. We hold back parts of ourselves and try so hard to appear like we know everything and don’t require help. Whatever end of the vaccination spectrum we are on, we connect less to humanity as a byproduct of the fear we held in. We hold our moral superiority in our back pocket like a knife we take out when we feel attacked. When we feel less than, we weaponize this guilt and pour it onto others. We pump ourselves up and distance everyone around us. The virus wasn’t a physical specimen but an emotional force. An energy of fear that infected the entire world. Fear of death on both ends. Fear of not fitting in and fear of being like everyone else. Both decisions came from fear, regardless of how we stand on our decisions. There is no right or wrong in this. There is pain either way. Even if we are “right” it doesn’t stop us from hurting. We all hold onto our theories. Some theories you find on the first page of google and some theories you have to find separate websites for. Either way they are theories. Scientists on both ends, scholars on both ends, and hypocrisy on both ends. It doesn’t matter where you fit in this equation, when we add our truths and subtract someone else’s we can never be whole. Compensation is not realization.

The cure to the vaccine and the pandemic itself is not found in the taking or not taking of a drug. It is not found in the depths of the internet or at the rallies we choose to attend or complain about. It’s not found in an ideology or moral high ground. It’s found in the connection we chose to sever between our brothers and sisters. Between the human beings we chose to idolize or demonize. The truth is the cure and the truth is that we are all connected. We may put up brick walls and comfy shelters. We may put up “boundaries” that can never be broken. And yet someone else’s life is deeply connected to mine. Sometimes at my irritation, and yet the connection is still there. The cure is not physical, but emotional. When we heal the wounds within and see others through the loving eyes of the divine there are no sides to take anymore. We see the perfection of humanity through its seemingly imperfections. When we say hi to our neighbour and look at them the way a child looks at their parents. Without judgments or perceptions. No filter or lense that blocks our true vision. We see only the truth of their being and when they are met with these eyes, the eyes of truth wink back.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

What is a need and what is a want?

All my life I’ve been raised to believe a need is food air and water. It had to be directly related to my survival. Not indirectly. If it wasn’t in direct relationship with harming me then it wasn’t necessary to speak up or ask. In fact it was seen as needy, pathetic, and ungrateful to do so. Like a brat or an ungrateful, lazy child. I’ve always prided myself on needing the bare minimum. It made me strong and proud. I am capable of so much and so unbreakable. And yet I feel so broken. So needy and irritated. Like a problem.

What could I be needing and maybe I’ll start by calling it a need regardless of whether I feel like it is. It doesn’t have to make sense right away. I need to be understood. Typing that out felt weird. Not because I’m not aware of it but because I addressed it as a need. It felt weird for it to be of so much importance to me. I need to be understood. I need comfort and words of affirmation. I need to be believed in. It hurts when people look down on me or don’t believe in me. I need to be loved and cared for in a soothing way. I reject massages and chiros because I feel like they take my power from my body. They convince me that I’m weak when I am strong. That I can lift weights and strengthen my body to a point that it never needs to be supported. It is a strong oak tree and it can hold all my emotions in. It doesn’t need to be vulnerable because it holds itself up so high and so strong. Yet in those moments of vulnerability in front of Deus and Jane and Meagan and Jordan I felt empowered. They resulted in mindset shifts that gave me the courage and possibility of real growth. When I opened up to Meagan about my Grandpa and how I feel like I wasn’t being the man I could be, I cried and the crow appeared. I saw that there was a spiritual and benevolent force that wanted me to be happy and be held. That was rooting for me. That I could trust life. In that moment I trusted Meagan so much that in being held by her I was simultaneously being held by the entire universe itself. When I reached out to Jordan about my masturbation problem I was met with understanding and I felt like I had the strength to move forward. When Jane held space for talking about how Jiu Jitsu was taken away from me as a kid and replaced with the harder working wrestling mentality it gave me the strength and courage to pursue Jiu Jitsu more and tell people that was my intention. It was something I was always interested in but I was worried people would see me as weak. Or that I would actually become weak. Yet my wrestling is even better now and my Jiu Jitsu flows naturally into it. When Deus held me in his arms as I cried I thought I would take less action in life. Become a victim, crybaby who just watches the world move on. Yet I started my own business, pursued more men’s work, breathwork courses and things that I genuinely resonate with. More of my actual truth shined out.

And so at the cross roads of compassion and cruelty I see a way to exist in the world. I see the wrestling coaches who empowered me through belief and positive affirmation. I see coach Brock who stood by my side in the worst moments and didn’t think once to give up on me. I see coach Frank at the SFU invitational listening to how mad I was in that match against Amrit and how he was proud I didn’t lose my cool. I lost 10-0 and yet he still found a reason to love and care for me. And through that space holding I was able to close the gap in the next match and eventually beat him. It wasn’t cruelty that pushed me towards action but compassion. My greatest leaders were the ones who listened and believed in me regardless of how many times I fell. They had unwavering faith in my spirit and they saw something that I was too blind to see.

So what type of man do I want to become. What model has been laid out for me. Is it compassion or cruelty? Is it empowerment or shame? I have so much evidence that my greatest development came from those that believed in me even when I saw no reason to do it for myself. At Club 16, Ryan saw a kid with a lot of energy and a magnetic way of being. I saw a naive, incapable, and cocky kid. He saw different until I was able to receive the energy he was giving me. There’s energizers all around in my life. I’ve had the fortune of meeting and developing close relationships with them.

When my dad chose to pause and reset his tone when we were working on the cable machine in the gym it taught me that even my first example of leadership believed in me. Even he could see that I was capable of listening and even he could hold space for me. It transformed my relationship with him and with myself. It gave me permission to pause, go slow, and reset my tone too. To hold myself with compassion.

So in an act of rebellion against a system that rewards greatness and perfection and devours flaws and imperfection, I am choosing to be whatever the fuck I am. And let the rest of the chips fall into place. Because that level of faith holds me eternally. It is space holding that is unconditional. The universe is my space holder and it provides infinite space holders in this world. One of which being myself. And the others being those I’m willing to ask. But I have to ask or I’ll just be lucky enough to meet the people who are capable of doing it. And that truly is a blessing but two hands have to reach out in order to truly touch. So I am reaching my hand out to the world and letting myself receive its touch back.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

it’s very out of the blue, but I feel like you might have an answer: do you mind sharing a way to ground or open your sacral chakra? I was told that might be something I need to work on but engaging with it eludes me

Hello, Friend,

First, let’s clarify a few concepts:

Grounding refers to becoming more centered in your body and present in the moment. It's about connecting with the earth to bring your energy down from the upper chakras and distribute it evenly throughout your body. Grounding stabilizes and connects you, forming a foundation for removing blockages and allowing energy to flow freely through your chakras.

Opening a chakra, on the other hand, is about activating and energizing the chakra.

As a reiki healer, I have worked with clients who have experienced different blockages — overactive (which can feel hot) and underactive (which can feel cold) chakras. In my experience, while reiki and sound baths can support chakra healing, the most significant progress happens when clients actively engage in their own healing process. This work requires patience, consistency, and commitment to a daily practice.

I am curious why you specifically mentioned the sacral chakra. Understanding your experience with this chakra could help identify what might be blocking it and how best to balance it. Below I will speak in broad general terms about my experience with grounding, the sacral chakra, and ways people recommend to balance it.

The Sacral Chakra: Creativity, Emotional Expression, and Sensuality

When the sacral chakra is unbalanced, it can manifest in various ways:

Emotional instability Insecurity and anxiety Addictive behaviors (overindulgence) Resentment and guilt Lack of creativity Feeling unmotivated Lack of desire

When this chakra is balanced, you feel emotionally grounded, creatively fulfilled, and physically vibrant. You are inspired, creative, sensual, passionate, playful, energetic, joyful, balanced, and connected.

Grounding Techniques When I work with clients on grounding, we usually use meditation, breathwork, and visualization.

Tree Visualization/Meditation: We hold hands, close our eyes, and synchronize our breathing. I then guide them to imagine themselves as a tree, with roots extending deep from their feet into the earth. They feel the energy from the earth rising up through their roots, stabilizing and centering them. Their arms and hands become branches reaching for the sun, feeling its nutrients invigorate them. They imagine their branches swaying in the wind, taking in carbon dioxide, and releasing oxygen back into the atmosphere. Their body is the tree trunk, feeling strong, connected, and supported — energy flowing freely.

Barefoot Walking: Another effective grounding technique is walking barefoot on natural surfaces like the earth, grass or soil. Whether it’s a walk in a park, forest, or beach, this direct connection with nature can be incredibly grounding.

Connecting with Nature: Touching nature, hugging trees, talking to plants, and listening to their responses are other powerful ways to ground. Gardening can also be a deeply grounding practice, even if its just potted plants inside of your home. If you don't have any plants, visit a plant nursery and become a plant parent. If you are nervous about being a plant parent, start-off with a small succulent. They tend to be easier to care for, although a few have died while in my care.

Physical Exercise: Physical activities like swimming, walking, or going to the gym can help ground your energy and bring awareness to your body.

Water Connection: Water is especially beneficial for grounding. Whether it is taking a dip in a stream, river, ocean, spa, swimming pool, or even a bath or shower, water can help you reconnect and stabilize your energy. Practice luxurious bathing. Water is my personal #1 healing & spiritual practice. (It is not out of the ordinary for me to take 3 showers a day.) If I don't swim every day, I feel it. I just got back from a multi-week silent meditation Buddhist retreat in the mountains, and I brought with me a glass bottle of my swimming pool water to anoint myself everyday. (I also used it to water some of the trees and plants around that I was connecting with.)

Dance: Movement is another way to ground yourself AND release blocked energy. Don’t worry about how you look—just move! Create a playlist of three songs that get your body moving, and let your body guide you. Dance as if no one is watching, allowing your intuition to lead the way. (Here is a link to a Spotify playlist of songs for intuitive dancing.)

Sensory Connection: Engage in activities that bring pleasure and engage your senses, like:

Enjoying a favorite meal mindfully. Turn off the TV and electronic devices. Close your eyes and take your time to chew slowly, savoring each flavor as it unfolds on your palate. Pay attention to the sensations of eating, how the food feels in your mouth, and how your body responds to it. Allow yourself to be fully present, appreciating the nourishment and pleasure that each bite provides.

Mindful Tea or Coffee Drinking. Make a ritual out of it. Pay attention to the sound of the water boiling, the aroma as it brews, and the warmth of the cup in your hands. Sip slowly, savoring each flavor note and texture, and allow yourself to be fully present in the experience.

Textural Exploration. Spend time exploring different textures with your hands. This could be anything from soft fabrics, like silk or velvet, to natural textures, like stones or leaves. Close your eyes and really focus on how each texture feels against your skin, allowing yourself to be absorbed in the sensation.

Opening & Balancing the Sacral Chakra involves a combination of the grounding techniques (above) and also some suggest the below:

Color and Crystals: Some believe that the sacral chakra’s association with the color orange means that eating orange foods (like oranges, carrots, mangoes, and cantaloupe) or carrying orange crystals (like Amber, Carnelian, Orange Calcite, Gold Tiger’s Eye, and Moonstone) can help balance it. This also includes wearing orange clothes, perhaps a new orange scarf or shoes? October is coming up!

Yoga Poses: While I am not trained in yoga (and only practice sporadically) certain poses are often recommended for opening the sacral chakra, such as Mountain Pose, Tree Pose, Warrior Pose, Crescent Pose, Goddess Pose, Forward Bend, Bound Angle Pose, Triangle Pose, Pigeon Pose, and Butterfly Pose. Aromatherapy: Mindful breathing with scents. Using essential oils like jasmine, sandalwood, ylang-ylang, orange, or patchouli can also support sacral chakra healing.

Creativity: Expressing yourself creatively is key to sacral chakra health. Write, draw, paint—let your creative energy flow. Even if you are not feeling particularly inspired, just start. A single brush stroke or word on a page can lead to more. Make creativity a daily practice, whether it is doodling, writing a sentence, or something else.

And probably the most important recommendation on how to balance your sacral chakra—

Emotional Exploration: Since the sacral chakra is closely tied to your emotions, consider exploring any underlying emotional issues or traumas that might be contributing to the imbalance. Journaling daily, therapy, or talking with someone you trust can be powerful tools in this process.

Even though I tried to be as thorough as possible above, I should note that I am NOT actually an expert in the chakras. I disagree with the common western belief that there are only seven chakras. I believe that there are A LOT more. Each finger has at least four! Chakras are energy vortexes. And I have a lot of opinions about them.

But like I mentioned above, doing the grounding work that I mentioned along with a daily practice, should help you.

If you want to come off Anon and send a personal message, I will be happy to provide more thoughts on the subject specific to your circumstance.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

What is self love?

Real self love. Is it saying I love you in the mirror and feeling deeply for oneself? Is it persisting in being kind to oneself no matter the circumstances? Maybe it’s holding ourselves tightly even when we feel the world around us crumbling?

Real self love, the love that we all carry within, is being with ourselves no matter what and expressing that love with the entire world. It’s filling ourselves up so fully that we radiate love everywhere we go. It’s that feeling in my chest that burns when I’m feeling neglected and warms my body in ecstasy when I’m feeling supported. It’s tears running down my face as I type because I know it was always me all along. I was the one I needed to be with. I was the one I needed to care for. It’s realizing I am more than enough unconditionally forever and ever. It’s the soul setting on fire and seeing itself for the first time. It’s boundless and endless and everlasting. It’s the type of love that doesn’t need to be shared but it’s true nature can’t help but be shared. It’s the sun warming the earth and supporting all of creation. It’s a boy realizing his dreams and feeling them into existence. It’s kind and gentle and warm. It’s the type of love that changes the world. And it all begins from within.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

There is an animating force that guides all of us. The emotions we carry inside of us guide and influence our behaviours giving us vigorous and strength. Some people will become deflated and will be very weak when trying to speak or do anything physical. Others are tenacious and vibrant in both their spoken word and their physical actions. Both these individuals have the seemingly the same level of intelligence and resources available yet the outcomes and more importantly the energy are much different. Watch your favourite hockey player in a play off game. They have focus, drive, and passion for what they’re doing. We’ve been fed this lie that emotions make us weak yet the most powerful people on the planet feel the deepest. Not only do they feel deeply they express even more deeply. Both feeling and expressing are often linked with being weak and feminine yet some of the strongest most masculine men feel the most. Our survival mechanism shuts off our feelings though. We form beliefs around them being weak and being a liability to our support and survival. Being seen is akin to being dead. But this isn’t true at all. Being seen is the closest thing we have symbolically to being alive. People energize us whether we want to admit it or not. Others thoughts, words, and opinions of us fuel or deflate us. Our own beliefs can be re-enforce good energy and emotions within but we cannot escape the fact that we are social creatures. It doesn’t mean do everything you do for others or abandon your own autonomy. Simply it just means to not cower away from people’s opinion of you. Don’t act like you don’t like the praise and actually let a compliment fuel you and don’t pretend like insults do nothing to your energy either. With the awareness that we are all highly emotional we can move forward in life living as fully as we can. No holding back or playing coy. Just true authentic expression. Scream and yell when we’re mad, cry when we’re sad, and smile wide when we’re happy. The power lies in our emotions. They influence everything we do and help us accomplish it with grace and power. I can’t remember how many times I held back my mentions wishing that I had just fully went all in on what I was doing. The times where I hesitated and relied on my mind rather than my heart even though my heart had the answers that the mind couldn’t perceive. The times my voice was shaking trying to get the words out and I held back saying what I truly thought because I was worried I’d be seen as awkward or in the way. The times I held back excitement because I wanted to seem wise or cool and in control. Our emotions are the flavours of life and give meaning the all the structures we have set in place. When cleverness fails to sustain us and it always does we must feel deeply again to regain our life force. A well constructed argument or a perfectly laid out plan with no emotions can spend decades in remission while a feeling acted upon can move the entire world. We feel because it’s what is most natural to us. It is our gift that makes us complete. We wield our feelings to push ourselves into action. Without feeling we run circles of infinity that go no where. Endless thought loops of would’ve, could’ve, and should’ves but nothing to take it from the mental plane to the physical plane. It just remains an unrealized dream that stays locked up within. Our emotions unlock our dreams and give birth to them in the physical realm. They are portals between what we hold within and what we experience without. The feeling extracts the thought and puts it out into the canvas for all to see. It adds colour to reality and gives vibrancy to life. Our emotions are our greatest gift for realizing our best reality.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

A sea of emotions felt deep within. Sometimes I can’t breathe with the weight of these feelings. Sometimes I explode and cry, shaking as I concave my body inwards in shame. Sometimes I rise up arch my back and scream to the heavens. Sometimes I slam my fists to the ground so that Satan himself can hear me knocking. Sometimes I smile and take it all in. Sometimes it’s just funny. All of it. Holding hell and heaven in my heart while trying to act like a normal person. Hold a normal conversation. Be apart of a normal society. As if anyone wants what we say we want. All playing somebody else’s game until we all realize we’re not even playing anymore. A giant game of telephone that goes Millenia back. When the first caveman realized he’d live a lot longer with external support. So he put on a caveman mask and pretended to be the person that he thought everyone else would accept. This game caught on until we all started wearing masks we didn’t recognize anymore. Flash forward thousands of years and we simultaneously “like” a post while secretly hating it. We write resumes that our parents would approve of but not ones that describe our soul. We make our bios through chat GPT outsourcing our wisdom to something that isn’t even living. All to gain acceptance. When my inner child runs and hides. When it cries and shivers. When it doesn’t trust the mask that’s put on. I understand why now. This inauthentic world is appealing to the ego but the soul cannot breathe here. The soul is gasping for something real. Heaven and hell reside within me not the other way around. I do not go there, they are alive in me already. Sovereignty is the state where my inner child feels safe and trusts me. A state where the curtains are pulled down and I am fully seen. No mask, no blinds, no hiding. Just me. Let this sea wash over me purifying my soul. Feeling what is meant to be felt and beginning again. No charge, no attachments, no pride. Just me.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

A world created within my own mind. Pyramids of Egypt. Magic in the words we speak. Affirmations crystallizing into matter. My imagination running wild with no limits to contain it. If I think it I have it. Boundless creativity and joy. Flying in the sky through astral travel. A world beyond my imagination. A safe haven from the scariness outside. Somewhere safe to hide. I can close my eyes and feel. I see so many vivid colours. A deep lasting peace starts within my chest. It warms my whole body up. Air flows effortlessly from my chest to my throat. My jaw loosens and I yawn. I feel space expand within my chest. My capacity to feel is broadened. It all feels so much more expansive. I don’t have to contain it within such a small space. I have room now. Room to feel. I let go of wanting things to be a certain way. I let go of needing to get ahead. I let go of being critical. I let my guard down. I can feel now. My greatest ally with me once again. The painter of this dream world. The one who fills in the blanks. The one who gives context to content of my life. The chaos and the beauty. This dream world is not just in my head. It’s out in front in my eyes. I see it when I close my eyes and I see it when I open them. This illusion hides so well. I cannot tell when I am looking at it. I convince myself that what I see is so real. What I feel is so real. Both can change within an instant. All that is real is the space for change. The formless energy behind the form that I feel and see. Anger, hate, guilt envy, pride, and fear are all not real. The energy behind these thought forms are real. The form they manifest is not. This dream world is so malleable. I can breathe in and by the time I breath out a new world is created. It’s unbelievable! When I was young I knew this yet I would fall victim to the illusions and get wrapped into stories and events of the physical. When I look out at the trees I feel that this universe is a kind and generous one. That it has my back and that I am safe. That it supplies me with all I could ever need and want. That I am held by it. That I am supported by it. I don’t need to close my eyes to see this world yet sometimes it can be helpful. It is all around me. Whatever I dream of I see. And what I see is all my dream come true. My heart softens, my upper back cracks and I sigh, easing slowly into the couch. Everything is going to be joyful.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

As I go into the inner library of my own thoughts and dreams I think of my life in magical and esoteric terms. Symbolism and imagery are so potent and they illuminate all my inner landscape with ease.

I think of the mind being full of darkness like a tunnel that needs to be excavated. When I try to find my way with my mind alone I bump into many rocks and acclimate many fears. I feel stuck because of all these fears and because of the darkness my fears grow even more, not knowing if I’ll bump into another rock again. When I enter the realm of the subconscious and step into the heart centre I bring a little bit of light into this tunnel. At first it is only enough light to see what is right in front of me and that can make me fearful at times too. However, it is 1 percent more light than I had before and that is enough. With this I navigate my way through the tunnel and instead of more fears, I develop trust and faith in my path. I keep moving and through this continuous movement I regain the trust and love I had in myself as a child. I nobody longer cling onto my fears but one by one begin to let them go. As these fears release my inner light begins to shine 1 percent more. I keep moving and moving and trusting in myself until my inner light shines fully and I fully let go of all my fears and insecurities. The tunnel is illuminated by love and self-confidence. I can finally see. And in my seeing I remember that this sight was my inherent ability all along. The light was always within me, I just had to face the darkness I had been clinging onto for so long. This darkness could take the form of self doubt, self sabotage, guilty feelings, and “unworthiness”. These all dimmed my light from a very young age but the light never disappeared. It was just covered by the darkness. Once I faced the darkness and trusted in my light, my light began to reveal itself even more. My journey of self discovery is not a relearning but rather a reclamation of what was always inside all along. My inner light shines brightly for all to see, illuminating both my own path and the paths of others.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

What is it that I need to release? Is it time to truly let go? Can I fully let go? Or am I still holding onto something? Life is so short when we see the higher perspective of everything. Will I truly care at the end of my life over the small intricate details that made my chest tighten and my heart harden? Or will I accept my current reality and smile upon it with gratitude. It is time to let go of all the old stories. Up until this point I have been letting go of 1 story at a time. Still holding onto to many others and getting trapped in defending them. These stories are old and do not need to be defended anymore. That I need to struggle to succeed. That I need to take life more seriously. That I am only valuable when I am working and straining myself. That my rest and my relaxation are unimportant and lazy. That I should carry this current unconscious guilt for being alive. All these stories have an expiration date. And today is that day. I release these stories of strain and discomfort. I release the past. My breath guides me right now into my most authentic and all knowing self. With each breath in I take in all of creation, gratefully, and with each breath out I let go of old programs, effortlessly. I’ve always known the way of my life and what I truly resonate with. I have a strong inner compass and a strong sense of knowing through remembering. In the past I convinced myself to forget. Today I will remember always my true nature and trust in this fully. It is time to release all that I am not and remember all that I am.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

I remember a time when I was younger when everything used to feel so peaceful. I’d look out at the sky and watch the wind blow against the laves on the trees and I’d just know I was truly supported. I didn’t have a reason really, not one that I can recall, but I’d just know that everything was going to be ok. I used to love spending time just watching the world. That was more than enough fascination for me. I didn’t need an external stimulus to curb my boredom. I would get really excited about the idea of just looking out at the world and having peace from all the prior stimulus I was consuming. I loved engaging with the world from time to time but even more than that I really loved just existing in it. With no burdens or worries. In my own prism of thought. I could stay in this comfortable home guilt free and I always knew I could return here whenever I wanted. This home became a shelter as I got older. I would come here to escape the world I had created and I stopped treated this home with the same reverence I did before. I wanted instant healing from the madness and obligations of the social world. My inner world of peace was in conflict. It still held space for me and gave me life force, but more and more I would leave it and come back with emotional bruises. And every time I would return I would expect my inner doctors to put a bandaid on these wounds and quickly go back to my social life. I forgot why I had created this inner world in the first place. Neither my inner world or my social world were meant to be escapes from one another. They were both meant to be appreciated and loved and give me greater understanding for the other. Now as I am older I am remembering to come back to this inner world, not for an escape, but for deep gratitude and understanding for life. Even though I would leave for long periods of time, I would be welcome with open arms like a parent would welcome back their kid who had been gone for far too long.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

What martial arts do you do?

I’ve trained jiu jitsu and wrestling for 15 years interchanging between both as a kid up until now. I’m a brown belt in jiu jitsu and wrestled in high school and University. Currently I’m also adding in Karate just once a week on Tuesday. I’ve done that for less than 2 months. And judo I’ve been doing 1X a week since January and just added in a second practice a week ago

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

The worst case scenario and the best case scenario are an arms length apart. The villain is the hero if he made all the wrong choices and succumbed to all his worst qualities. The inherent power and ability is in both, just projected in opposite directions. A good thought and a bad thought come from the same place. We hold the power inside of us to choose. To say no thank you I’d rather entertain this. I’d rather feel this. I rather think about this. The thoughts circulate the mind and can tend to go no where because the lens through which the thoughts are being seen is very messy. In order to see better the lens needs to be cleaned first. This can be done through parasympathetic nervous system activation like breath work. Gratitude portals are also another great tool. Gratitude in itself is great but can often be unattainable when we’re in a dark place. A gratitude portal is a memory, mantra, symbol or anything physical or non physical that can teleport us back to a moment of deep gratitude. Once gratitude becomes a regular practice we get what’s called no reason happiness where you just feel really happy to be alive over basically nothing in particular. That’s just your state. Your lens. Until then, having a gratitude portal can be a great way to remind ourselves of what we really care about and what really makes us happy. Gratitude and breath work are my main ways of changing my lens. Also jiu jitsu and lifting weights already have such a positive association with me that after I do those I feel better and more clearly able to manifest positively. That’s mostly because I’ve been doing those forever. Having tools to clear the mind and feel good now is the best thing to do when we’re unsure about how to solve our problems. The problem cannot be solved with the same mind that created it so in order step into a new way of thinking we need to change the lens by changing the feeling. It actually becomes a positive feedback loop. We’re stuck in a rut with our continuous negative thoughts. We change the lens through gratitude or breath work. Our thoughts become more positively focused. These thoughts make us feel even better which in turn generates more positive thoughts. It becomes an upward spiral of emotion. Any downward spiral can quickly become positive if we just turn the dial. Feeling good through whatever means resonates with us are ways we can turn the dial. Other ways that we can turn the dial that I didn’t mention before can be dancing, talking to a close friend who knows how to hold space, hiking, watching an uplifting movie, comedy/laughing, intimacy, hugs, drawing/painting, shaking, humming, creative endeavours, exploring new areas. The list could actually go on to infinity as everyone brings their own brand of creative beauty to the world. When we find the things that help clean our lens and turn the dial upwards, then all the overthinking becomes pointless because what needs our attention becomes very obvious. This present moment.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

Man it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I feel like I’ve been a little off with my frequency both on my posting and on my morning pages. I’d like to have that consistency back in my life while at the same having the awareness that life comes in waves and flows differently at times. Like my post about Crash Bandicoot, I can just treat life like a video game and start over without holding on to the guilt or stories of past lives or experiences. I can just begin again. Earth initiation Day 1. Kindergarten mindset. How would I like to be today? How would I like to see the world today? I have a men’s breath work session today and I want to let go of my old fears around being seen and standing out. I think this is the perfect environment for it. Sometimes around women there is guilt and fear for being myself but around other men I am optimistic that I can truly be myself and release what I need to release. Who is Cody Osborn? Who am I actually? Today I would like to find out. With a curious mindset and a light heart. I would like to begin contemplating and then invoking my intentions for today and for my breath work session tonight.

What is my intention?

I want to get rid of fear and doubt that I both listen to from others and self perpetuate in myself. I want to get rid of the guilt I have around my sexual nature. I want to fully realize peace inside of myself for who I am and to be in this world in a way that is both confident and joyful. I want to cultivate a virtuous way of living.

What does virtue mean to me?

Virtue means that I have a strong practice of discipline in my life while also showing love and compassion for the sides of myself and others that may not at times. It means that I am fearless and strong in the face of adversity and temptation. That I live a life of service and not selfishness. That I hold both the dualities of perceived “good” and perceived “bad” inside of me and that I have the wisdom and the love to know how to love all of creation.

Why do I want virtue?

I want virtue because at times in my life I have acted out of character with who I know I want to be. This has caused me extreme guilt and has impacted my ability to be still and calm and see things clearly. I also sometimes judge others and myself silently and this causes me to be close minded and cut off my connection of love with the universe and all its inhabitants. I want to regain this sense of connection by treating everything including myself with love and reverence. By living a life a virtue I will be reconnected with the beauty and gratitude and abundance of everything seeing how precious and sacred everything is rather than letting greed and jealousy distort my lens.

What would my life look like if virtue was 100% manifested?

My life would be very intentional and focused and I would not be scattered in a million different directions being pulled down by my lower emotions. I would be able to simply see the beauty of the world without any distortions. I would be able to treat others with love and I would have the clarity to see what it is that they really needed. And with a full heart I would have the emotional depth to transcend wisdom and thought by fully realizing that love is all they really need. Wisdom and mind will just help me come up with creative ways to manifest the love that is already inside all of me.

What does it feel like to have perfect virtue?

To have perfect virtue feels like I am strong and capable because I don’t let temptations keep me up at night so I always get a full 8 hours of sleep each night. I am well rested and not distracted so I have an infinite well stream of energy to help push me through my workouts and my practices. Mentally I can focus on a task while keeping my mind pure from judgement and comparison. I can focus on the present moment without getting side tracked or pulled away. Emotionally I can be there with love for everyone in my life and let go of trying to get something from someone else. I can sit with the emotions of another person and see them as beautiful creations of God. I can hold space for everyone and help heal the world through my own pure and loving thoughts. Spiritually I can keep my connection of oneness by seeing the infinite good in everything regardless of the labels that have been put on them. I can see that suffering is an illusion I’ve made up and that my connection to the divine is inside of me and through realizing this fully I will see it outside of me too in the world I live in. Relationally I will be kind to all people and have deep connected relationships with my girlfriend, my friends and my family. I will be able to share fully while having the awareness and wisdom to hold space without gossiping or complaining. All my conversations with others will have a healing quality where I leave both my own life and the lives of others better off than before we were talking to each other. Energetically I will send love and understanding to all of those in my life and even to those who I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet.

What is currently getting in the way of virtue?

Currently my attachments to others opinions and my excuses I make for myself so that I can fail are getting in the way of virtue. I know what a strong man looks like and I have demonstrated these qualities before and still currently do. However, sometimes I compare myself to others either to get down on myself or to neglect my own inner voice. If I think I’m working too hard or I’ve been judged for that I’ll neglect the voice that says I’m capable of pushing myself and listen to the voice of friends, family, or mostly my lower self that says it’s ok to eat all that food. Or stay up late tonight. Or put off this practice so I can watch tv. Completely forgetting that that these things I was doing before were what was fueling me and bringing me energy in the first place. The things that others consider as rest for me are energy depleters and I know that at my most intrinsic level but I let the voices of others get to me. On the flip side if I know that a breath work session would be super beneficial for me or hanging out with friends going for a hike would help me I’ll sometimes listen to the voice of my mom or dad that would say that you should be working right now. It’s a symptom of the same problem. Listening the voices that don’t actually know me. Like my counsellor says “keep what resonates, discard the rest”. I’ll let these critical voices from family and friends call me both lazy and over working at the exact same time. They don’t know what energizes me and how I operate like I do. I can listen to others but not at the expense of listening to myself.

When I have virtue, what happens then? What will my life look like?

When I have virtue I will be clear in all my actions. I will not engage in distractions because someone else framed me their model of the world. I will keep my open minded and my curiously while still deeply holding my own conviction for my own inner truth. I will trust myself fully and be honest and loving in all my interactions with people. I will let go of greed and temptation by having my own moral standards for myself and by having the awareness of my own values and goals in life. The bigger picture will always be framed for me and I will trust my own insight for how to navigate this so I don’t become rigid and dogmatic. This will be important for me as I make big decisions in my life and become a leader for others. I may have a million voices trying to guide me but my own voice is the own that has the final say. I will love deeply and fully because I will see how natural and how important love is. That when we forget to love all kinds of chaos ensues and it’s not even our natural state to do so. By having virtue in my my life I will become and impeccable leader and I will also let go of guilt and fear. My true nature and my character will be so strong that all the old qualities of fear, guilt, shame, and lust will fall away because I will know deeply how good I am and how powerful and capable I really am.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

It’s interesting when I release shame and guilt for an activity the activity itself becomes less shameful. I don’t crave doing it as much and I can move forward in my life much easier. It doesn’t become this big monster underneath the bed anymore that I need to hide from or make big. I can just appreciate the balance I have with it in my life and not define myself based on whether I engage in this activity or not. It’s not a set back if I do and I’m not better when I don’t. It’s just having this awareness that I know what’s important in my life and what I’m working toward and what I value. If this activity takes away from that then it is not even tempting to do. If I do this activity and go back to my values then I have not lost anything. Shame only holds me in place and causes me to over repeat the same activity but with more negative energy. Forgiveness assumes I am wrong. Acceptance acknowledges what has occurred and lets me move on with my life.

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

Sometimes letting myself cool off after social interactions is best. I realize that how I play out social interactions in my head and how they play out in reality are vastly different. In my head I imagine relationship ending fights with so much anger and aggression. In reality I am much more calm to the issue and what I thought the other person would say in anger, ends up either not being brought up or they clear up things I was unsure about. Thinking about it now, I realize that ruminating on these types of thoughts is not only pointless, but extremely harmful to myself and my relationships. I know that the energy and the expectations that I bring into my social interactions matter. That they have a mirror effect on what actually occurs. So to consciously conjure up the worst case scenario is not only psychotic but also intentionally harmful to myself and others. I have the power to see the good in everyone and in myself. It is time to dream the life that I have always wanted.