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rikiblues · 2 years ago

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shinjū (心中)

featuring. enhypen ni-ki x fem!oc contents. 86!au, angst, heavy angst, major character death, assisted suicide blood and gore, detailed injuries, racism, discrimination, mentions of concentration camps, forced military enlistment. fluff, love confessions, first kiss.

track. voices of the chord, sawano hiroyuki word count. 5080

note. some world notes; they're fighting a war against war machines called the legion, the 86 are people w colored hair and eyes thrown out of san magnolia by the alba, people w white/silver hair and eyes. they fight in war machines called juggernauts that don't account for pilot safety, and they communicate using a device called para-raid. handlers are alba military officials who direct them from inside san magnolia, typically incredibly abusive, and the 86 have little to no rights at all. that's it for this au, hope you enjoy ahah

Hazy darkness begins to give way to golden light.

Riki Nishimura opens his eyes slowly, aware of his head spinning, aware that he's practically numb. Not good—he has to be bleeding badly somewhere. Being able to feel pain, he's learned, is better than experiencing so much pain that your body goes into shock.

He blinks, and blinks again. Slowly his awareness spreads out, and his nose is hit with the metallic tang of blood. So much that he stiffens, wondering just how screwed he is. Just how many others they're losing again today...and if he himself is on that list.

That nonexistent list only etched in the hearts of their comrades. The only memorial allowed to them. Nothing else—not even a simple grave, not even a burial.

He chuckles a bit when he remembers Shinei Nouzen and his scraps of metal retrieved from ruined Juggernauts, engraved messily with the names of fallen comrades. Riki hasn't yet lived long enough to be a name bearer, but regardless of whether he doesn't have a call sign, Shin will take a piece of his Juggernaut and write his name. It comforts him.

Of course, the thought of this all means that he's dying. He wouldn't think like this if he truly believed he had a way out of here.

A small sob gets his attention, and his head—thankfully he can move that fine—snaps to his left, and he jolts. There lies Mila, soaked with blood, her brown hair so soaked with it that it's darker, drippign droplets of it. Not all of it is her own, that much is obvious.

And she has a gun pointed right at Riki's head.

"I'm sorry," she hiccups, "I'm sorry, I can't—this isn't what I—"

Watching the only girl he's ever loved do this breaks his heart. Nobody should be subjected to this. The gun's muzzle is a full six feet or more away from him, and he will die instantly should Mila pull the trigger. Like he knows she will.

"Mila," he says hoarsely, "please."

Her hand shakes but she does her level best to keep it steady. "Riki," she lets out another sob. "Why? We—we were supposed to—"

"I know," Riki is beginning to feel the first sensations of pain from somewhere around his chest, a stinging ache. Crap. A chest wound. He's not getting out of this alive. "But remember what we talked about. Remember what we promised."

Mila cries harder.

𓆩♡𓆪

Midnight meetings at the age of sixteen aren't out of the norm, especially as an Eighty-Sixer. Comfort is hard to come by, and they will take any of it that they can.

Riki Nishimura is one of those many hopeless Colorata, clinging onto some pathetic resemblance of hope and humanity when really, what is there left anymore for him to live on for? Perhaps the pride of an Eighty-Six. He knows he values that above far too much—never will he ever descend to the level of the white pigs.

Even if it means biting his tongue bloody as the Handler throws verbal assault at them. He wishes so badly sometimes he can rip the Para-RAID off his ear, but of course, it's permanently attached, while the oh-so-wise and noble Alba get to wear pretty little collars as they like. Hilarious. But unsurprising.

Why is he getting so angry about this at one in the morning? Probably the lack of sleep. He doubts he's ever slept this badly in the two years he's been serving as part of two different squads. Part of him wonders how he's still alive, and then he remembers he'll just die anyway, so he chooses not to worry about that.

"Riki?" a voice hisses in his ear. "Where the hell are you?"

He stifles a giggle. "I'm looking for something in my Juggernaut," he whispers back. No one is actually in the hangar with him right now—Mila just likes to worry when he doesn't show up to their little rendezvous on time, hence the Para-RAID call. "I'll be quick."

"Riki, it's literally pitch-dark in the hangar. What do you think you'll be able to find in there? And anyway, where are the mechanics?"

"Asleep in their rooms, I'd assume."

Mila lets out a sigh. "Well, be quick and don't trip over something. You'll get in trouble."

"I know, I know," Riki mumbles, squinting in concentration as he feels around the cockpit of his Juggernaut for the rock he had picked up today while out on sortie. They'd lost another squad member today—Harua, the only other Orienta in their squad—and he'd spent too long crying over him. The only upside was the little, albeit kind of stupid, gift he had found for Mila while they retrieved another squad member stuck in the wreckage of his own Juggernaut.

"I saw Shin walk past just now," Mila says after a moment. "He looked...sad."

"He can emote?" is Riki's automatic, unthinking response. He immediately winces, realizing how insensitive that is. "Sorry, I...I just mean, he usually looks so..."

Cold. Unfeeling. Like a reaper.

"...he had a piece of Harua's Juggernaut, I think," Mila responds quietly. "There was something metal and shiny in his hand."

"Oh." Riki bites his lip, continuing dig around the cockpit. The metal is still warm from the day's sortie, not aided by the fact it has no cooling system whatsoever (or that the hangar is just a wooden warehouse-looking building with the mechanics' tools in it). "That's...that's good."

At least Harua will be remembered, Riki consoles himself. Shinei Nouzen is a strange boy, but a mostly reliable one. Riki says mostly because he knows next to nothing about the guy, other than his apparent interest for reading.

Everyone knows of their silent squad mate's habits now—from his absolutely silent footsteps to his tendency of collecting remnants of fallen comrades' Juggernauts, engraving their names on the shards, and keeping them hidden away. The Eighty-Six aren't allowed to have graves, which just contributes to the Legion problem, so Riki supposes that it happens to be Shin's way of giving them one.

Like a reminder. Like a memorial to who they were in life.

"Found it!" he mutters triumphantly when his hand comes in contact with a small, cooler object round but slightly oblong in shape. He quickly closes his fist around it and clambers down from his uncomfortable perch of leaning over the side of the Juggernaut, massaging his ribs with a grimace as he lands on his feet lightly.

"Found what?" Mila asks.

"You'll see," Riki replies cheekily, trying to keep the mood up. Losing squad mates is nothing new, honestly—by the next sortie, either they'll all die or they'll have to be reassigned to different squads. Riki knows which one is likelier, but a small, stupid part of him hopes he and Mila will make it.

"Okay, okay, just get over here already," Mila says impatiently. "I'm getting antsy. Do you know how weird it is to just in a corridor by a closed door? Not even by a window? When it's one in the morning?"

"I'm almost there," Riki whines, hastening his footsteps, making sure that Mila hears them. The settings on the Para-RAID are usually kept to the lowest—only transmitting sound and unfortunately, just a hint of emotion—both because Riki hates people reading into anything more than what he shows, and also because he refuses to be caught off-guard by the Handlers. Besides, it's funny to stomp his feet and feel Mila's wince as she no doubt thinks about the scolding they'll get if they're to be caught.

The darkness isn't so absolute that Riki can't see his hand in front of his face, but it's still a relief to emerge into the moonlight. The Eighty-Six don't exactly have electricity access, at least not at night, so they usually guide themselves by moonlight. And, well, on moonless nights...there are other ways.

"Riki, hurry up unless you want Raiden to go all mom-mode," Mila hisses, "because I think I just heard him talking to Shin!"

"I'm almost there," Riki repeats, "meet me outside. I've got something for you."

Immediately, Mila falls silent. "Okay," she responds, and he can practically hear the gears in her brain turning. It's amusing how he can do things like this and Mila will give it genuine thought.

It takes less than two minutes for them to meet outside the barracks, and Riki reaches up to cut off the Para-RAID connection himself. Mila looks up at him with narrowed eyes for a second before looking at his hands clasped behind his back. She knows better than to try and look at it, instead raising an eyebrow at him.

"Patience, Mila dear," Riki says mischievously, much to her frustration. She frowns at him and strides ahead, but Riki knows all too well that she isn't actually upset, just messing around with her. Okay, and maybe a little pissed he took so long to get here, which. Fair.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!" he calls out, giggling, striding after her. His longer legs help him reach her faster and Mila turns around, her own face breaking out in a grin, sparkly in the same way her blue eyes are. In the moonlight, both her eyes and her brown hair—signifying her mixed Deseria and Rubis ancestry—take on a silvery, washed-out sheen, but she's no less beautiful.

Mila Clemens is so beautiful it hurts to look at, a little bit.

(Okay, so. Riki might be a little whipped for her.)

"I do not want to be subjected to another scolding," Mila scolds, "and I don't think you want one, either."

"Then let's go before we get caught," Riki says, taking her hand and breaking into a run. Mila's startled shriek pierces the air as she's forced to run on light steps, dragged along behind him. He knows nobody will actually care—Raiden knows they need times like this after days like this, before days like tomorrow inevitably will be—and that in the end, as long as they don't wander too far, they'll be fine.

"Riki Nishimura!" she shrieks, but she's also laughing and her other hand is clutched around his wrist. "You're going to make me fall!"

"You're more nimble than that!" Riki calls back, giggling harder than ever as they reach the small hill they usually find themselves climbing at night. He sprints up to the top without pausing, and neither do his giggles or Mila's frantic yells and laughs and curses.

"I swear to god—" Mila cuts herself off with another high-pitched shriek as the two of them tumble to the soft grass, all because Riki throws himself down and takes Mila with him. They hit the grass in an undignified heap, giggling uncontrollably.

Riki unentangles himself from her. Their laughter dies down and they lie on their backs side-by-side, gasping for air as they look up at the night sky. If it weren't for the moon, they wouldn't be able to see each other at all.

And this is their purpose: going out almost every night, especially on nights when they lose members (which happens far too often) to look at the stars. To look at those distant lights, to wonder if there exists other beings in one of those planets, watching the Legion War, watching country after country be wiped out, watching San Magnolia kill off the Eighty-Six in their characteristically brutal fashion.

All of a sudden, Riki misses Harua with a sharp aching just behind his ribs, right over his heart.

Harua is far from the first teammate that Riki has ever lost. But they'd been closer than one might expect—a sort of expectable bond forged from being the singular Orienta in the squad. The white pigs may be just that, but that doesn't mean the Eighty-Six are great all the time, either. Riki and Harua had both seen their fair share of discrimination for their skin color, for the difference in how they looked. Even if their current squad members are all pretty cool, the hurt stays, always. Especially when you're supposed to be sticking together against the Alba.

"Mila?" Riki whispers. "Today, when I was going to check on—on Harua, I found something."

He can feel Mila turn on her side to look at him. Harua's Juggernaut had been downed, and Riki had stupidly jumped out of his own wrecked one to go get to him, before Raiden had sharply ordered him to stay where he was. Raiden isn't their squad captain, but they've learned to listen to people like him and Shin, by now.

Riki had spotted the shiny little rock in the ground right before he'd climbed back into his Juggernaut, biting his lip at the fact that one of his teammates was fighting to protect him. In the end, that teammate scraped by with a little bit more than a nasty gash to the face from flying shards of metal during the battle.

That little rock was what he held onto, hunching his shoulders, biting his lips, as he listened to Harua's terrified scream echoing through the air, through the Para-RAID connection, before the Legion unit brought a blade down and neatly beheaded him. Nobody was able to save him. Nobody was able to end it for him before they took him.

Such is their life, but it doesn't stop him from getting upset every now and then.

"What did you find?" Mila asks, and that's when Riki turns around to face her as well. He reaches out a fist between the two feet that separate them, and drops the shiny little rock. Mila picks it up, examining the smooth, blue surface. "It's pretty."

"I know it's stupid," Riki says awkwardly, "but you saved me today, so I just..."

There are a hundred different things he could've done. Take her laundry duty. Help the girls in the kitchen. Go hunting with the boys for a change and bring something back for her. So many acts that could've won her over, and he chose to give her a stupid rock.

But he can't find it in himself to regret it, knowing Mila likes these small gestures better than anything else. Something small, meaningful. Though what the rock is supposed to mean, Riki isn't really sure, other than that the shade matches her eyes.

"I didn't save you," Mila says, "and it's not stupid. It matches my eyes, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, well..." Riki coughs. To this day, he doesn't know how to handle it when Mila calls him out so obviously like this. "Don't deviate from the point. If you hadn't warned me, I would've been dead. That Ameise would've—" he makes a slicing motion across his throat.

"Julien warned you, too," Mila points out, turning the rock over in her hands. She likes it, Riki thinks with a burst of joy.

"Yeah, half a second after you," Riki counters.

Mila laughs. "Okay, okay, I get your point," she says, turning onto her back again. Riki somehow finds the courage to stay where he is, looking at her. She must notice, but makes no comment on it. "Is this some kind of courting gift, Nishimura?"

Riki blinks. "Huh?"

"I said," she repeats without turning to look, but a playful smile curls on her lips, "is this some kind of courting gift?"

His ears burst into flame, practically. "I—I don't—know?" Riki stammers out, which prompts Mila to burst into laughter, finally turning to look at him again. "Why would you—?"

"Sophia told me you may have a crush on me." The words make Riki's face and ears burn worse. "And, well, once I started looking for the signs..."

What little he can see of her blue eyes seem darker. "We don't know when our last sunrise will be. So...I thought to myself, what's the worst that could happen, if I went for it?"

That kills the fluttery feelings swirling in his chest, the hotness in his face. He exhales slowly, turning onto his back, too, eyes tracking the shapes of the constellations in the sky, trying to work out what to say, and how to say it.

"At first," he starts, "you didn't really seem special to me."

Normally, Mila would be making fun of him for that, but now she just listens quietly, humming in response. Riki sucks in another breath, because what he wants to say is by no means an easy feat, but he feels the need to say it, because he could die tomorrow, and he doesn't want to leave anything unsaid. As somber as it is, the thought of it kills his nerves.

"You were just another Processor," Riki goes on. "Yeah, you're really pretty, and yeah, there aren't many girls in our squad—" or even among the Eighty-Six as a whole "—but I was just focused on getting better at...not dying, you know? Because the truth is, death scares me. Even if our entire lives are shrouded in death."

"What changed?" Mila asks. Her hand finds his in the semi-darkness overlaid with silvery light. "Or, well, when did that change?"

"I guess when the platoons were first reorganized," Riki reflects, "and we had to work together. I dunno. I just know we started to work together more and it kinda went on from there?"

"It was like that for me, too," Mila admits. "I mean, it's hard not to notice one of the only Orienta in the squad when he's basically a loner, but...you get what I mean."

"Yeah," Riki agrees, "I do." A beat of silence, and then, "it's—it was Harua who helped me realize. That I like you, I mean. That I like you a lot."

"Really?" Mila sounds startled; Riki doesn't turn his head to look. He's afraid he might lose whatever this rush of courage flowing through him is if he looks. "Harua?"

"Yeah."

"He helped me realize, too," she reveals. Riki blinks, but keeps his head firmly in place. "He pestered me about it a lot before I gave in and faced my feelings. He didn't tell me anything about you, though. That was all Sophia."

"So he was playing matchmaker the entire time," Riki huffs out a laugh. "Wanna bet both he and Sophia were in on it together?"

"Why bet when we know that for a fact? Sophia's a sucker for romance," Mila snorts, right as Riki lets out another giggle, thinking of their mischievous, hyperactive friend.

The silence falls, though, when the weight of her words settle in.

And yet, Riki refuses to let this chance go to waste. This could be their last night under the stars. Their last night together. The last chance to tell her what he needs to say.

"Mila." He sucks in a breath. His hand clutches hers tighter. "I love you."

She whispers back a quiet, "me too."

Joy bursts through Riki's entire being, and he turns to face her, grinning like the biggest damn fool on the planet. Mila turns to face him at the same time, and their eyes meet, and they're both giggling and grinning and just reveling in the sheer ridiculousness and euphoria of the moment and Riki just loves her so much he doesn't know what to do with all of this feeling.

"I'm going to sound really cheesy," Mila warns, "but sometimes I feel like nobody else complements me the way you do."

"Stop!" Riki starts actually laugh. "No romancing in the middle of the night!"

"You're romancing me too!"

"Only because I can't help it!" he protests, mouth aching from all this smiling. "You expect me to be able to help it—"

A sudden noise not too far off startles them both and they're up like lightning, ready to run, hands on the guns strapped to their waists. Riki's head swivels, heart pounding. He can't pinpoint where the noise came from. Did a Legion unit actually manage to sneak up on them? How much did they have left? Could they still run—

"Just a rabbit," Mila sighs out in relief, pointing to the animal a little distance way. "We're fine. Legion units make more noise than that anyway."

"Unless it's an antipersonnel type," Riki mutters, "but we're not on the battlefield, so."

Not exactly relieving, but Riki takes it. He sits down heavily on the grass, acutely aware of how ruined their mood is. Mila sits down beside him and lays her head on his shoulder.

"It's frustrating, isn't it?" Mila murmurs. "Knowing that there's love to be found in places as awful as this, but not knowing if we can live to experience it to the fullest."

"But I'd love you anyway," Riki says. "Even if I died, I'd love you."

"That's physically impossible."

He shrugs. "Just because something is supposedly impossible doesn't mean I can't promise to do it anyway. Because I will, you know. I will love you till death, beyond death, even."

"Okay, then," Mila says quietly. "I believe you. Because I will, too."

"But," he continues, "promise me you won't let them take me. If worst comes to worst...please. Do it. End it. Don't let them take me. I can stop them from taking you, but I can't defend myself if it comes to that."

"I'd kill myself before I let them take you," Mila whispers. "That's a promise."

"I won't let them take you, either," Riki vows firmly.

And when he leans down to press a kiss to her hair, she looks up. There's no negativity in there; she just looks sad and surprised all at once. "I love you," she murmurs. "I don't want to lose you."

But you'll lose me anyway. I'll lose you anyway.

Riki leans down to really kiss her, inching slowly so that she can move away if she doesn't want to, but she doesn't. Their lips meet and the kiss is simultaneously the best (first, actually) and saddest kiss of his whole life; they're slightly shaking in each other's hold, and Riki feels the sting of tears in his eyes.

"I don't want to lose you, either," he whispers when they pull apart. He hugs her tightly, burying his face in her brown hair. "I can't lose you, either."

But loss goes hand in hand with life anyway, doesn't it?

𓆩♡𓆪

And so, here they are. Trapped at the edge of a cliff of death where there is only one way to go—down. Down, down, down, until they are no more.

Riki's been impaled in the chest by flying shrapnel and he can't even tell if it's numbness or the actual loss of his right leg that makes him unable to feel it. Mila's entire left forearm is gone. There's shrapnel embedded in her shoulder, and a deep gash from somewhere on her torso is dripping blood everywhere. God, the two of them will not be making it.

Hence why they need to end it. Now.

"Do it," Riki urges, starting to inhale deeply, but stopping when pain ricochets through him faster than that bullet can travel. "Mila, come on. We don't know when they'll come back."

For all he knows, their squad-mates have driven the Legion away from Riki and Mila's ruined units to allow them time to end it, or something.

"I promised," Mila cries. "But I—I can't do it to you—"

"You should be able to do it because it's me," Riki lets out a rattling breath. He can taste blood in his mouth, in his throat. "Because you don't want me to be taken by them. Because you don't want me crying out for you for all eternity in a craze."

The admission that his last words would be about Mila snaps something inside her. He can tell from the way her eyes harden. The way she closes them, inhales deeply despite the pain wracking her body right about now. Because of course she doesn't want that; she wouldn't wish that upon anyone but the white pigs. And even then, being taken by the Legion seems all too cruel.

"I don't want that to happen to you, either," Riki whispers. Tears well up in his eyes, hot and burning. "Harua's already gone. I couldn't save him, so please. Please. Don't let it happen to either of us."

He fumbles around for his own gun, and levels it at her. His hands shake but he's sure of himself. Ending Mila's life by his own hands? A muchbetter alternative. The only choice he has.

It's better than being beheaded by the Legion, becoming nothing more than a central core processor for one of their units. To be multiplied infinitely until there's so many of them screaming their death throes over and over again.

Riki knows this, because he overheard Shin talking to Raiden. He wishes to this day he hadn't known that, because now it makes the idea of becoming a Legion unit all the more terrifying.

He steadies the gun, closes his finger around the trigger, begins to pull just as Mila begins—

"MILA!" a voice shrieks, accompanying stomping footsteps. "RIKI! Where are you guys?"

"Sophia," Mila's eyes widen. "Oh, no no no no—"

"MILA!" the high-pitched female voice continues yelling, even as every inch of Riki wants to yell right back, to tell her to be quiet lest they're found, but it's bound to attract more attention from any Legion which might be nearby. Besides, their blood is an easy enough trail for Sophia to find them, as gruesome as it is.

It doesn't take long for her to come across them, and she immediately steps back, golden eyes blown wide. "No," she whimpers. "Please, no..."

"Sophia," Riki rasps. "You don't need to see this."

The petite Heliodor girl glares at him furiously. "Bullshit!" she snaps. Ever a raging storm, that's Sophia, indeed. "We can—we can still take you back to base, help you heal—"

"Now that's bullshit on level with the white pigs' logic, Sophia," Mila stops her. "You know there's no saving us. Maybe if we had medical help..."

She lets the sentence trail off. The brutal honesty puts out Sophia's fire as quickly as it had flared up as she tracks her eyes from Mila's bleeding stump of a forearm, the shoulder injuries. The gash Riki now realizes comes from a piece of metal wedged deep in her stomach. Riki's chest, and his leg, which he really doesn't want to look at right now.

The Eighty-Six don't have medical staff. They have to make do with what little supplies they manage to scrounge up. The only 'valuable' Eighty-Six, in any sense of the word, are the mechanics and their only use is to maintain the Juggernauts.

The Eighty-Six's only purpose is to fight the Legion and die trying. Nothing else. If they get injured, then it's game over. From there, the only option is to die.

Being assimilated by the Legion is not an option most are willing to accept. Riki would just shoot himself here and now if he didn't think Mila would be left alone. He doesn't think she would able to do it with his body lying in plain view—just as he doesn't think he can do it if her body was before him, either.

Sophia lets out a sob, pressing her blood-covered hands to her hands. Riki doesn't want to know whose blood it is. "This is so unfair," she sobs. "I don't want to lose my three best friends all in the span of two days."

Riki wants to point out that at least she didn't have to watch Harua die, but she definitely heard his death screams. His cry of, "someone please help me!" right before he was taken. But he doesn't think that'll help.

"I'm sorry, Sophia," he tries, gentler than he's used to being. "I'm so sorry that it has to be this way. We don't want to leave you. We would never."

"We love you, girl," Mila inhales shakily. "We love you so much, you and Harua. But you should go. You don't need to see this. Nobody should."

"This world is so messed up," Sophia looks up. "It took my parents. It took my sisters. It took Harua. And now it's taking you, too."

Riki knows Harua himself had a bit of a thing for Sophia. The two of them were friends, but it was difficult to tell what their relationship was, exactly. More specifically, it was Harua who was more sure of how he felt, and Sophia who never gave a thought to the nature of their relationship.

Matchmakers who could've been in love.

"The world takes and takes, Sophia," Riki tells her. Oh, the pain is becoming unbearable now, the smell of blood only growing stronger and stronger. "It took my parents and sisters, too. Mila's parents. We're all a victim to it, and there's nothing else to do but soldier on through it."

He knows that so well. So many times have passed where he's had to tell himself just to stay afloat. Just to stay sane.

When he had watched Konon be assigned to a different squad and never heard of her again, Sola left behind in the camp before she would be inevitably forcibly enlisted too. Never knowing what happened to either of his sisters, or his parents, who he knows are long dead by now. He had almost wished to be back at the camp amidst the constant abuse, physical and verbal.

"I hate it," Sophia says, looking at them wide, wet eyes. "I don't want to keep losing."

"One day it'll end, one way or another," Riki says. "Please, leave. We don't have too much time left and I don't want you to see this, Sophia."

"Just—just please remember us at our best," Mila croaks out. "Remember that we loved you and Harua. That you were one of the best parts of our lives."

Sophia backs away slowly, swallowing hard. "What should I tell the captain...?"

"Tell him what you need to."

"Okay." Her golden hair and eyes glimmer in the sunset light. Harua would've wanted to witness this sight a thousand times, Riki thinks. He had always thought Sophia was a sunset kind of girl. "Goodbye...I love you. Both of you."

And then she's turning away and running, sobs wracking her frame as she goes. Riki aches to see her in so much pain, and it's worse when he sees the way Mila's closed her eyes, crying softly.

"I don't want to die," she confesses.

"Neither do I," Riki says. "But..."

"Yeah." Mila takes in a shaky breath. Levels her gun, and so Riki does, too. "I love you, you know. More than anyone else. You were my thin thread of sanity at times."

"You're everything to me," he admits softly. "I love you more than I can put into words."

"So then—" her grip tightens. Riki mirrors the action; it's like they're going to do everything together in their last moments. "Goodbye, love."

"Goodbye."

They pull the triggers. Mila's beautiful, beautiful smile is the last thing Riki sees before the bullets meets his forehead square in the center.

The best goodbye he could've wished for.

shinjū (心中), meaning "double suicide", used in common parlance to refer to any group suicide of two or more individuals bound by love, typically lovers, parents and children, and even whole families.

lovers committing double suicide believed that they would be united again in heaven, a view supported by feudal teaching in Japan, which taught that the bond between two lovers is continued into the next world, and by the teaching of wherein it is believed that through double suicide, one can approach rebirth in the Pure Land.

songs listened to while writing: - rock with you, seventeen - voices of the chord, sawano hiroyuki - my youth, nct dream

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

Text

choi yeonjun - 1:12 am

synopsis. you often find yourself thinking about the boy who helped you find yourself again. no matter how long it's been, you can still remember him clearly.

warnings. angst el o el

pairing. ex!yeonjun x ex!fem!reader

a/n. this is like a scenario i have for my yeonjun ff LOLLLL im still debating whether or not i want to bring said yeonjun ff to tumblr 😞

not proofread!

slivers of moonlight pours into your room through the gaps in the curtains, illuminating parts of the room. you blink once, twice, and three times at the ceiling, your mind still awake with thoughts jumping around like rabbits, thoughts that all narrow down to him.

choi yeonjun.

choi yeonjun was the boy with a reputation back in your senior year of high school. he was the boy with dark hair and dark eyes that always skipped school and got into trouble. he was the loner that everyone knew but stayed away from. he was the boy that hated you at first, for whatever odd reason. maybe it was because on the first day that you transferred to the school, you prevented him from skipping and got him in trouble afterwards.

choi yeonjun was the boy who slowly warmed up to you after a small, kind act. he was the boy who slowly began to trust you and became your friend. he was the boy who began to show his true colors, revealing a beautifully misunderstood soul who dealt with too much at home at the time.

he was the boy that you helped become a better version of himself, and he was the boy that helped you find yourself after being lost in a persona you were not.

most importantly, choi yeonjun was yours and you were his. you were his first love and he was yours.

but that was a long time ago.

your mind drifts to the memories you made with him. some were bad ones: like the time you kept bumping into him and he kept glaring at you. but the good memories always outshine the bad ones: like the time he passed the college entrance exam or the first time he spent the night over at your house and you cried like a baby in his arms. like the time he took you out on a drive and shared your first kiss with him. or the time that you two finally graduated in february.

you remember choi yeonjun not as the bad boy everyone made him out to be. you remember him as the boy who always like to dance, remember him as the boy who's eyes always seemed to shine whenever he received compliments, remember him as the boy with a pretty smile that he only ever showed to you, remember him as the boy that always laughed at cheesy jokes, remember him as the boy that always did the most random things all of a sudden.

you remember choi yeonjun as the nineteen year boy who hung up the stars in your sky.

you lay in bed, blinking up at the ceiling, wondering what could have been with choi yeonjun if you hadn't left two years ago. would you two still have been together? maybe not. he wanted something completely different than what you wanted. but maybe you two would've figured something out like you always did.

eventually, you fall asleep at 1:12 am to the thought of the what ifs surrounding your relationship with choi yeonjun.

#to read

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

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choi beomgyu - wishlist

synopsis. it's beomgyu's, your best friend since you were in diapers, birthday!

pairing. idol!beomgyu x nonidol!fem!reader

genre. romance-ish, fluff! loosely based off of wishlist LMFAOOO you and beomgyu are kind of more than friends but not quite lovers el o el

warnings. kind of rushed bc i wrote this while having a killer headache 😈, beomgyu cries

not proofread!

a/n. hAPPY BDAY TO BEOMGYU 😭🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

there is definitely something wrong with the guys. first, soobin has been so dodgy. second, yeonjun has kept giving him an ominous smile of sorts. third, taehyun... actually, taehyun has been pretty normal. but kai? gosh, kai keeps making jokes about something happening today that it makes beomgyu feel kind of nervous.

are they planning a surprise? if so, why? or are they just going to prank him when they get home? beomgyu is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't realize that the lights of the apartment still aren't on. he turns around, eyebrow raised in confusion only for him to end up blinking when huening kai shuts the door.

"aren't you going to... turn on the lights?" he asks.

kai furrows his eyebrows. "why don't you do it? wait! before you do, look over there!"

beomgyu purses his lips. kai is being so weird... nonetheless, he swivels around only to be met with yeonjun clamping his hands over his eyes. "hey!" he yelps, smacking the hands over his eyes. "what are you doing?"

yeonjun clicks his tongue in annoyance. "stop moving, beomgyu! you're ruining everything!"

"what the—? what is that supposed to mean?"

taehyun sighs. "soobin hyung, can you hurry? they look like they're going to fight it out soon..."

"sorry sorry!" soobin says, somewhere from the living room, assumes beomgyu. "the lighter isn't... working...!"

beomgyu's about to duck down and make a run for it when he hears someone laugh softly. he grows still, heart beating quickly in his chest.

"okay! i'm done! bring him over here!"

yeonjun carefully guides beomgyu over to the living room, letting his hands fall back to his side as he steps away. beomgyu stares at you, dark eyes wide.

"happy birthday, beoms," you say, grinning at him as you hold a cake, the orange glow of the candle illuminating your face as well as the others as they stand with you.

someone counts down to one, he's not sure who did, but you all start singing happy birthday to him. he thinks your smile got a lot brighter when you're all done singing.

"make a wish!" you say, slightly jutting the cake outward. with the lack of response, your eyes scan over his face, and you carefully hand over the cake to soobin, who leads the boys into the kitchen.

you don't even have the chance to open your arms when beomgyu flings himself on you, engulfing you in a hug as his tears hit your shoulder. "how are you even here?" he mumbles.

"well," you start, patting his back. "someone wouldn't tell me what they wanted for their birthday, so i had to think long and hard about what to get them... i know you missed home, so i thought i'd bring home to you! i cleared up my schedule so that i could come for a couple days before going back."

he pulls away, gasping. you scrunch your nose at him and wipe away at the tears threatening to spill from his glossy eyes. "you'll be here for a couple days?"

"mhm," you hum. "i brought back a lot of your mom's food, by the way. we should hurry before the boys eat it all up." you grab his hand, swinging it. with a smile, you lean up and press your lips to his cheek. "happy birthday, beoms. i hope you make even more happy memories this year."

"ew! hurry and come eat, love birds!" kai sticks his tongue out at both you, disappearing back into the kitchen.

you laugh, pulling a dazed beomgyu into the kitchen where all he does is smile so much that his cheeks feel sore afterwards. he looks at everyone, looks at how taehyun cuts the cake while yeonjun keeps his eyes on the knife, saying that he'll protect it from getting everyone's germs over it. he watches soobin laugh out loud at his antics, kai fueling his laughter even more when he threatens to hide all the utensils from yeonjun and proceed to lick the knife just to get a kick out of him. he watches you laugh alongside soobin, eyes flickering every so often towards him just for you scrunch your nose at him in a playful manner before going back to talking with everyone else.

"so," says yeonjun, chewing on his food behind his hand. "what did you wish for?"

beomgyu blinks in surprise. "huh?"

yeonjun snorts. "stop staring at yn like a creeper, and tell me what you wished!"

"yeah!" says kai. "what did you wish for?"

"bet he wished that he could kiss a certain someone," taehyun says, wiggling his eyebrows at him.

beomgyu scoffs, playfully shoving taehyun away. "none of your business," he says, huffing. he peeks at everyone, grinning.

he won't say it out loud, but he wished that his birthdays are something like this if he can't manage to spend it back home.

#to read

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

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THE END OF YOUTH.

synopsis. in which a girl and a boy find solace in each other as every thing around them seems to crumble as they approach the end of their youth.

pairing. non idol!yeonjun x non idol! fem!oc

genres. romance, angst, slow burn

warnings. mature language, mentions of mental health (anxiety, depression), suggestive themes (in one chapter lol)

updates. every friday

status. coming soon!

playlist. here

a/n. im super excited to write this since i've been planning this since 2021 LOLLL also, some of this is based on some stuff i went through bc i wrote this while moving countries and idk bro writing and planning this out was my source of comfort back then HWJDJSJA i'm a bit nervous to publish this but i hope you all enjoy it and cry over it el em eff aye oh

chapters.

[preview] 01. the new student 02. how was school? 03. the convenience store 04. why are we always bumping into each other? 05. an unwanted secret 06. the ice cream shop 07. a surprise 08. a change of heart 09. he's not so bad 10. nurse jieun 11. close enough to fuss 12. oh 13. what i want 14. don't talk like that 15. i noticed something 16. the halloween party 17. his side of the story 18. i want this 19. i would never 20. i'm proud of you 21. all i know is that... 22. what are we? 23. the graduation 24. the end of youth [epilogue]

tag list. open! send something in my inbox or you can comment!

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

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close your eyes

featuring. nct na jaemin x fem!oc contents. college!au, romance, fluff, banter, literal sleeping together

track. teddy bear, nct dream word count. 2612

note. a submission for a writing event by decelis_acvdemy on wattpad.

"You," Jaemin announces, "work entirely too hard. You skipped movie night for homework!"

Jiwon looks up tiredly at him. "You do realize I'm working on a deadline here," she deadpans. "Tell me how you expect me to sacrifice three hours for a movie."

Jaemin frowns. "Are you feeling okay?" he asks, stepping back a bit, instead of leaning all of his weight on the side of her study desk, so as to give her some space, instead of crowding her. "You haven't really been responding very well tonight."

"I'm distracted," she gestures to the papers strewn across her desk, the scattered pens and pencils, eraser teetering on the corner of the desk—which he scoops up and safely returns to its respective spot beside her pencils—one lone paint palette resting beneath a box of acrylic paints also far too close to edge of it, so Jaemin pushes that farther up the desk, too. No paintbrushes, though he knows those are still at the top of her wardrobe, drying out after her impromptu painting session yesterday.

"Too distracted," he frowns, gently prying the pencil from her reddened-from-pressure fingers. "I get it too, you know, how hard it is to stop when the urge to do something about creativity blocks, hits you. I also want you to know that there's a limit to these things."

She huffs. "I can't help it if my stupid brain won't give me a proper idea," she says, sulking as she utters the words, though she most likely doesn't realize it. Jaemin thinks it's adorable. "I've been trying to get past the stupid art block, but none of my ideas are good enough."

She gestures to the angrily-torn out, balled-up pages of paper in the wastebasket beside her on the floor. Jaemin makes a mental note to take the better ones out of the pile, if only to tease her outwardly with it but actually keeping them for her future reference. As temperamental as Jiwon is, she tends to forget in her frustration at herself that her past supposedly-failed art serves as a good frame of reference for what she can do later down the line.

"That's because your brain is overworked," he scolds. "You've been at this since before I arrived, idiot. It doesn't take a genius to realize you need rest."

Jaemin had come over earlier to her dorm at her request to bring something to eat because she was "far too lazy to drag myself down ten flights of stairs right now," only to find that she was really immersed a tad bit too much to do more than bite into her food in between sketching on her drawing block. Being the caring boyfriend that he is, he hadn't discouraged her, just nagged at her to eat in a very annoying way until she gave in.

It's been almost four hours since then, though. Jaemin has almost finished a drama series by now. It's a lie to say he isn't concerned; of course he is, he loves Jiwon. He loves that she's so passionate about all of her interests, even if they fizzle out after a short period of hyperfixation, but that's one of her quirks.

Except for art. That one is lifelong, at this point. For all of the three years that he has known her, art has been practically the center of her life. Pencil lead smudged on her hands, just like it is now, streaks of an almost-non washable paint in a swirl of rainbow colors on her arms and hands, sometimes her face, too, which more often than not earned her a scolding from her parents and teachers.

But the bigger issue is that she's overworking herself at this point.

"But it's not even that late," she protests, looking at the clock. "It's only barely eight p.m..."

"I know, but you've been working this hard all day, and you're not getting anywhere."

"But if I try a little harder..."

"Jiwon," he says, firmer. Jiwon's stubborn, pleading expression falls into one of dejection. Once upon a time, Jaemin would've worried that he went too far and said something wrong, but now he knows that it's just her being upset at herself for going too far. Even if Jaemin doesn't necessarily agree with it, he's also aware that right now, the most important thing is destressing her cluttered, overloaded brain.

"Okay," she sighs out, standing up. She wobbles for a moment and she grabs at the desk to regain her balance, which immediately has Jaemin taking her arm, holding her up, recognizing it as a dizzy spell, a thing she experiences far too often from how she forgets to eat in the concentrated haze of making art. "Oh. Sorry, sorry, I'll eat something now..."

Jaemin has to smile at her somewhat ditzy expression. She has a weird way of laughing off even a few of the worst things that have happened to her, though he supposes that it's not so concerning when they already know that having her eat something would fix the dizziness very quickly.

"Want me to get you that apple you bought earlier?" he offers as they walk out into the living room of her dorm. She used to share it with someone else, who dropped out halfway through the year. Jaemin has been taking advantage of that to pop in on surprise visits to her during the day, and sometimes he's tempted to stay over for a night, but imagining how badly that could go keeps him from doing it.

"Yes, please," she mutters, throwing herself onto the couch. "I doubt I could handle anything else right now."

While she turns on the TV and flips through Netflix (before remembering that she has yet to finish 86's first season, to date), Jaemin heads to the kitchen to retrieve her apple for her. He often does this kind of thing for his friends and roommates, which earned him the moniker of "mom," but Jiwon is really the only person he truly gets satisfaction out of taking care of. Her, and his younger friends.

She's so absorbed into the screen that she startles when Jaemin sits beside her, handing her the plate of sliced apple. "You didn't have to do that," she notes, eyebrows lifted. Her gaze turns right back to the screen, which Jaemin takes no offense at. He is surprised that she continues talking. "I get that I messed up for myself, but I can eat an apple, you know."

"I don't think you can last the next episode without falling asleep," Jaemin smirks. She scoffs.

"You wanna bet?"

"I already know it. One-hundred-percent assured."

"Oh, you're on, Na Jaemin," she grins. Jaemin isn't quite sure whether it's from watching the young, teenage soldiers on screen interact with their miles-away commander, or his challenge, but either way, it's a cute smile.

"Bring it on, Kang Jiwon."

***

Contrary to expectation, Jiwon lasts until two episodes before the half-season finale, and then she turns to Jaemin and says, "I want to go to bed now. You should head back before it gets too late."

"I'll stay with you," Jaemin says nonchalantly. "My roommates are going to be out until really late."

"And?" she stares at him, eyes wide.

"I don't want to sleep alone," Jaemin answers, standing up. "Come on, Jiwon, it's not a big deal. I'm just going to sleep next to you. It's the weekend, too, so we're not going to have to go anywhere, right?"

"Well..." she hesitates, seeming to weigh between her choices. "I guess..."

"It's not mandatory," Jaemin clarifies, smoothing back the hair that had gotten loose from her ponytail away from her face, rather absently. "No pressure."

"No, I want you to stay," she decides, standing up and tugging him towards her bedroom, much, much more spacious since the roommate's stuff had been taken out of there. Jaemin internally second-guesses himself for a minute, but he talks himself out of it, reminding himself that they're technically not doing anything wrong (even if Renjun will have a neurotic fit when he finds out...well, he just won't).

He stands by the door, watching her arrange her messy bed—twisted, balled-up covers, both of the pale violet pillows she uses at two opposite ends of the bed, a few books scattered across the flower-patterns decorating her bedsheet—before she lets Jaemin near it. It's endearing to see how she frowns at herself for letting her space get so messy. He knows she usually makes a point to order everything and put it all in place before she sets foot outside of the dorm.

"Okay," she turns, exhales. "Come on. I'm beginning to feel dead on my feet."

Jaemin chuckles softly and joins her, watching her climb into her bed only for a second before he does the same, though somewhat awkwardly. It's...strange to be here, right now. Not to mention incredibly awkward. Before he can say something stupid, he says, "your bed is really soft."

Jiwon blinks at him, from where she's adjusting the covers over them. Jaemin doesn't object, since she's got the air-conditioning turned on at twenty-six degrees. "Uh. Yeah, my parents got this for my brother when he moved into the dorms but he disliked the way it's so soft, so we traded mattresses."

"Good call, I guess," Jaemin returns. A silence falls over them as Jiwon lies on her back snuggled under the comforter up to her chest, Jaemin sitting up leaning against the headboard with the comforter only covering his lower half.

Their eyes meet and they stare at each other for a full ten seconds before they burst out laughing.

"Jeez!" Jiwon wheezes, sitting up. "We're ridiculous, acting like a pair of teenagers on their first date!"

"Right," Jaemin snorts, pulling her closer the way he always does. "This is literally no different. We're a bit too nervous for just literally sleeping together, seriously."

Jiwon lets him essentially cuddle her. Jaemin doesn't look like it, but he is actually rather affectionate in many ways, and physical affection is one of his love languages. As such, Jiwon is the subject of quite a lot of hand-holding, random hugs, and just being affectionate in general. Jaemin is aware she doesn't mind at all, so he doesn't feel uneasy about doing things like that.

"I don't think I can fall asleep any time soon now," Jiwon admits softly, her voice just a whisper. With Jaemin's arm thrown loosely over her stomach, her head pillowed on his other arm, they're somehow in a closer position than they have ever been in before, but it's...comforting, to say the least.

"Shall I sing for you, then?" Jaemin purposely whispers in her ear. She shrieks in surprise and hits him.

"Jerk!"

Jaemin giggles, not releasing his grip on her. "Sorry, sorry!"

"Sure," she lightly pinches his arm, freezing a little bit when Jaemin starts running her hand through her short hair, a little bit longer than the absolute minimum required to tie a ponytail. She claimed it was for aesthetic reasons, though the bigger reason, he knows, is because she can't be bothered to take care of such long hair, practically waist-length, all the time. "What do you propose singing?"

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star—"

"God, no."

"Rockabye baby, on the treetop—"

"Na Jaemin!"

In response, Jaemin starts laughing, which sets off Jiwon, too. They devolve into laughing so hard, tears form in Jaemin's eyes. His own ridiculousness and how there's still a thin barrier of awkward tension that they have yet to break.

So, he hugs her closer, and says, "tell me something I didn't know about you."

"Huh?" He can't see her face, but he imagines her frowning in concentration. "There's a lot that you do know about me. As for what you don't know..."

"Anything is fine, really."

"Huh." this time, it's more of a contemplative sound. "Do you remember when your mother said that I would make a good teacher?" Jaemin does not, but he hums in response anyway. "I laughed it off back then, but did I ever tell you that when I was a kid, I really wanted to be a teacher?"

"Really?" Jaemin is surprised. "What kind of teacher?"

"I don't know. Kids don't think too deeply about those things, you know?"

"Why did you? Want to become a teacher, I mean. You've always said you don't have enough patience to handle a class of children."

"There was this teacher when I was in the first and second grades," Jiwon's voice is soft, almost sleepy; a very in-character thing, for her to get sleepy just as they start properly talking. "She was always very nice to me, never stopped me talking when I got going or had an idea. There was an autistic kid in our class, too, and she never treated him differently. In fact, he and I were the favorite kids. When I finished first grade, I actually cried about having to have a different teacher."

"Awh, that's so cute."

"I was seven," Jiwon says with an intentional sulky tone. "So, when my brother started the first grade in the same year I started the second, he got the same teacher. You know about his ADHD, so you know how difficult it can be..."

Jaemin does. When he first met Jiwon's brother, he was quite hyper and excitable, and understood lots of things differently than most of them did. According to her, he was like that but ten times more hyper in his childhood, and it didn't help that most adults in his life treated him like he was a bad kid.

"She was the greatest teacher he ever had," the smile in her voice is evident, blooming like a sunflower in the sun. Jaemin finds it beautiful that her pride in her family and loved ones take precedence over much else, much like how Jaemin puts his mother before everyone else. "He was her best friend by the end of the year, and what do you know, he cried, too. I mean, have you ever known him to cry about saying goodbye to someone?"

"Never," Jaemin finds the idea alien. But he knows her brother has feelings, too. "That was what made you decide?"

"Yeah. Until my mother, ever so practical," there's a teasing hint of fondness there, "convinced me that I would die penniless and stressed out because kids are hard work and teachers don't get paid enough."

"I mean, my mother survived?"

"She had a husband to support her. I was in my 'die a single woman' phase."

"Ah. That explains so much."

"Shut up," she laughs, hitting his arm. "I wasn't upset about it ever, actually. I was cycling through a lot of professions at the time, so it isn't too big of a disappointment that it took a day to get talked out of it without much effort. Even if I do think about it sometimes."

"Imagine me dating a teacher."

"Your mother would approve. Now tell me something about you."

"I never drink because my mother said she doesn't like to drink and would prefer it that I did not drink, either," Jaemin says the first thing that comes to mind. Jiwon snorts, clearly disbelieving. "I'm serious, I really don't like doing it! It tastes weird, too."

"Such a momma's boy," Jiwon teases, but her voice is slurred now, beginning to sound more sleepy and tired than anything.

"That is my pride, Jiwon," he says very seriously. He can't stop the yawn that escapes his mouth after he says it, though. "Now I'm sleepy."

"Then sleep," she mumbles, shifting so that her legs aren't twined together. "Good night."

When it's silent for almost a full minute, Jaemin realizes that she really isn't joking; she's actually fallen asleep. Her soft breathing is the only sound in the room now, aside from his own.

With a fond sigh, Jaemin closes his own heavy eyelids, still hugging Jiwon.

yes, i still hate it. but thanks to all of you who reassured me it's okay haha ilu guys.

#jaemin #na jaemin #nct dream #nct #fluff #alternate universe #fanfic #fanfiction #college au #fluffy #literal sleeping together #falling asleep #loosely based on teddy bear

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

Text

that's how it is

featuring. txt choi soobin x fem!oc contents. canon compliant, angst, anxiety

track. none word count. 1913

Starlit nights usually provide some amount of comfort to Choi Soobin.

There's something about the silver-white twinkling that gets him all the time. Certainly, he is no stranger to the fact that he isn't alone in that notion; stars have fascinated mankind for as long as it has been in existence. Soobin knows that he isn't the only idol who turns to stargazing as a form of self-healing, either. Not that he asked. It's just common sense, he thinks.

He heaves a sigh, raising a hand up to the sky where those stars twinkle dimly. Even this high up he can't see them very well, and he longs to go somewhere where he can gaze at those burning balls of fire even a little clearer. But he supposes that he should be happy he gets to see them, that he gets a little breathing room from the hectic life he chose when he didn't know any better.

He doesn't regret it, not really. He just wishes he knew what he was getting himself into before he signed that contract. At twenty-two, he knows more than he did at twenty-one; certainly so much more than he did at seventeen. He loves his career, he loves being able to do what he does, making a living out of it—but there are parts of it he wishes he didn't have to subject himself to.

"What are you thinking?" Minseo asks, nudging him. She looks worse than he does, having wiped off her makeup the minute all her group's pre-recorded performances had been declared over and done with. The rest of her members are currently getting undressed and changing into somewhat more comfortable clothes, but Minseo is up here still dressed in her rumpled stage outfit much like Soobin, who has another recording in half an hour. End-of-the-year performances are always so difficult in different ways.

"How different things would be if I'd listened to my mom," Soobin answers, stepping closer. Their arms brush together and he moves so that they stay connected. He needs something to keep him anchored to the present right now. "If I'd never gone to the call-back audition."

"Would we be still here?" Minseo wonders. "Not here on a roof, I mean. Would we still be together or would we never know each other?"

"I like to think we'd always find each other," a small smile plays on Soobin's lips. Minseo laughs at that. "But really. There are things I wish I'd done differently. Said differently."

"Like what?"

Soobin shrugs, turning his head away. Swallowing discreetly. He doesn't think he's ready to share it, not now. All of those small anxieties, little irritations and fears—they ballooned into something so much bigger, something that has him unable to breathe sometimes. Is this how grown adults really live? Scared of what comes next? Certainly, Soobin is not the only leader in k-pop frightened of what his abilities are doing for the group—whether it's for the good or for the bad.

Soobin has confidence that the members know he's always available to them, that he leads them in a way that is clean and organized, but he doesn't know if he's really living up to the standards that he set for himself. The members know that he tries his best, that he wants to be the best leader that he can be, but they don't know that behind closed doors, Soobin is close to falling apart more than not. Even on good days, the tiredness is so much. Too much.

He isn't like Minseo, who somehow always keeps a smile on even when she has to be tired to the bone. When her group's maknae is having her teenage angst phase that isn't a phase but very real problems she doesn't know how to handle. When the only member older than herself fractured her ankle and had to sit out of group promotions in the middle of a comeback, Minseo had twice as much to do.

When she and Soobin got caught alone, holding each other, it left no room for any doubt whether they were more than friends. When they both got into trouble for hiding the fact they were together and barely scraped through only because both of them were trustworthy—and they had been hiding it for six months by then.

Through it all, Minseo had kept her cool. She'd pulled through while Soobin panicked and cried; a lot of the time, he was an inch away from hyperventilating. He had been terrified and he should've been the one holding it together, not Minseo doing it for him. He had a year of experience on her; he'd survived the abuse the public had thrown at him and the other four for being from Big Hit. It didn't make sense to him that he was the one who most needed comfort.

A small part of him wondered if it was the very abuse and hatred thrown at him that made him the way he is, back then. But it's been a while since then. The group is thriving. Besides, it hadn't been a big issue, not until a while after it boiled over.

"You'll be fine," Minseo whispers, putting an arm around him. "You can do this. Don't worry."

"How do you know?" Soobin asks helplessly, swallowing the lump in his throat. His voice isn't at all steady; it wavers, it threatens to break. Once again, Soobin is scared of what could happen. He is terrified of the unknown, and he doesn't even know what brought this on, which is the worst of it. The way nothing even happened, and yet, Soobin is scared, close to falling apart again. He can't let that happen, not now. Not until the award show season is done—

No, wait. There's that comeback in January. He has to keep it together until at least that's over.

He will not break down and be forced to take a break when there isn't even anything physically wrong with him. His members need him.

"Because you have people by your side," Minseo whispers. Her almond-shaped eyes, usually brown but now a light blue because of the contacts she's wearing, catch his own round, watery ones with so much affection—so much sincerity and love that it hurts because he doesn't know if he deserves it, or anything at all. He promised he would become a leader to be proud of when they selected him, but really, what is he amounting to, at this rate? "Me. Your members. Your family."

Drawing in a shaky breath, Soobin's gaze returns back to the glimmering stars. He remembers that the stars he sees are stars which died long ago, and the twinkling is merely an echo of what they've left behind, traveling across light years incomprehensible to him. Who will remember him, when he dies? Will he leave behind a mark like an almost-everlasting flicker of light to remember him by?

Suddenly, he wants to go home. He wants to curl up in his mother's arms even though he's almost three feet too tall for that, and cry. He wants the familiar comfort and love that he grew up with, knowing it was forever—she might not have believed in him then, but there is truly no supporter of him bigger than his mother is.

"I want to go home," Soobin confesses, voice cracking, breaking. A shaky sob expels itself from his shaking body—and why is he falling apart? He shoves his hand into his pocket, searching for the tissue he used earlier to dab at his itchy eyes, and when he finds it, he dabs at the tears threatening to spill over before they ruin his makeup. The coordi-noonas will touch him up when he returns, but there's no sense in making them redo him entirely. "I want my mother. But I can't have that."

"Sure, you can," Minseo says, her hand drawing comforting circles on his hip bone. His own hands are gripping the railing hard enough that his knuckles are whitened. "Home is forever."

Is it? Soobin wonders. Is it really forever?

"I can't," he sniffles once. Swallows again. "There's all of these award show recordings, and we'll be busy practicing for our comeback until it happens at the end of January." Another shaky exhale. "I won't be able to even consider it until something like early March or at least, late February." And if I get permission, he doesn't tell her. She knows that much. Perhaps she knows too well.

"Call your mom, Soobin," she urges. "You're falling apart and you clearly miss her too much."

"It's too late to do that," he refuses. He hasn't checked the time in an hour, but last time he did, it was almost ten p.m. "She'll be asleep now."

Minseo knows better than to push her point, but she lets it go after saying, "call her tomorrow, in the morning, okay?"

"Yeah," he murmurs. The restless, anxious feeling won't go away no matter how much he reminds himself that he is anything but alone. "I promise."

He doesn't know why he says that. Maybe so that he'll actually have incentive to do it, instead of a solid ten minutes of staring at his phone before chickening out—like the last time he desperately needed a hug and an 'I love you' from his mother. He's been on his own for so long by now. Why is it that he is still incapable of handling things like this by himself?

The stars twinkle merrily. Soobin watches them, inhaling the cold winter-night air. Both of them are wrapped in just winter jackets, and it's barely just keeping them warm. Soobin tells himself that he clings to Minseo for warmth, not because he needs comfort. What does he even need that for, really? Nothing happened, so why is he being like this?

His phone dings. He doesn't want to see what it reads, but he has no other choice.

yeonjun-hyung: where are you? we have to be onstage in ten minutes

me: rooftop. on my way

"You have to go?" Minseo asks. Soobin nods. "Okay. You go on first."

It's their routine, for one of them to leave five or ten minutes before the other so that they aren't spotted together. Soobin wishes he could leave with her, but he doesn't even want to think about the backlash they'd get if they were caught. No, he has enough going on.

"See you later," Soobin presses a dry-lipped kiss to the top of her head and backs off, not letting her see the luminosity of his eyes as he walks away and heads downstairs. He takes deep breaths and he carefully dabs at his eyes before he makes his way back to the others.

When he returns, Taehyun frowns at him. "Are you okay?" he asks, concerned.

"I'm fine," Soobin brushes him off, following the makeup-noona to get touched up. Taehyun isn't convinced, clearly, because he follows Soobin and watches him as he gets his makeup done, but he also knows that Soobin won't give him any answers. He stays silent, but his piercing eyes remain on Soobin the whole time.

Soobin isn't lying. He will be okay.

Eventually.

He has to be. He doesn't have another choice. That's how it is in the industry—you have to act as if you are okay. Soobin is the leader, and what kind of leader would he be if he fell apart now?

#soobin #choi soobin #tomorrow x together #choi yeonjun #choi soobin x fem!oc #fanfic #canon compliant #light romance #angst #anxiety #anxiety as a theme

2 notes · View notes

rikiblues · 2 years ago

Text

i’m never letting go

there’s no doubt you have a bone to pick with haechan — you like to think he just can’t help but get on your nerves, always comparing himself to you like life is some silly competition. that doesn’t mean you’re one to back down though. being your rival for so long, lee haechan has seen you date others in the past and has thought nothing of it, but why does he get ticked every time you hang out with your “best friend” a little too closely?

pairing | rival!haechan x college student!reader

genre | fluff, angst, dummy rivals throughout the entire fic, slightly suggestive in some parts, college au

warnings + notes | cursing, pet names (sunshine, bro), mentions of food, descriptions of anxiety, bff!chenle

wc | 6.1k words

a/n | this definitely took longer than expected to finish but the third part to the tttc series is out now! i’d love to know what you think about this one so feel free to send me anything <3 as always, rbs, likes, and feedback are highly appreciated ;0; thank you!

song recs | love - stayc, heartbreak feels so good - fall out boy, stranger - lauv

tttc m.list, main m.list

you were definitely being tested by god right now.

you were well known in your batch for having the most tolerance out of anyone, naturally gaining the title “angel of patience”. it was highly unlikely for someone to tick you the wrong way, though, that didn’t mean it was impossible. there were always… a few special cases. you were human, after all.

back in sixth grade, you vividly remember how your seatmate asked to borrow a pencil. you didn’t think much on it at first, gladly lending the said pencil. what you weren’t expecting was for them to make a toy out of it, sharpening the tip just for pure entertainment. to you, it was a waste. i mean- why would someone even do that in the first place? seriously.

another time was when a couple of boys decided to spill orange juice on your uniform. they claimed it was a harmless prank, and yet, not one bit of a chuckle came out your throat. you certainly weren’t going to let them go as simple as that. who were you? someone others could easily step on? let’s just say you never saw those same boys within your sight ever again.

though, you believe none of those experiences compare to the most horrid addition of “special cases” — that being your classmate in calculus, lee donghyuck, who’s much more often referred to by the name of haechan. your entire college life was filled with him pushing your buttons.

how fitting considering you’re taking calculus together. the concept of limits was no longer just a value that was tormenting for any student to solve because it now included haechan being the limit of your patience. not only did he enjoy every second of teasing you, he knew what he was doing, knowing just the right tactics to pop the fuse of your usually calm nature.

aside from your supposed never-ending patience, another thing you were known for was doing well on most of your subjects.

keyword: most.

calculus was not exactly one of those subjects… you were able to keep up with class, but your scores couldn’t exactly compare to haechan’s by a pretty long shot.

what’s even worse was the fact that the devil (re:haechan) didn’t seem fazed by any of the topics being taught in class, and here you were struggling to keep your head afloat.

truthfully, you were the only one who hated haechan to this degree. most people absolutely adored the boy, a vast contrast to your notion of him being the living reincarnation of the red evil spirit himself. though, you had a reason to (or at least that’s what you tell yourself).

no matter which class you two shared, it always ended up in a competition for the top spot. it wasn’t like you had a superiority complex or anything, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t like the validation it gave. to you, it meant you were doing well — physical proof that you weren’t doing just ‘something’ in your life because it turned out to be fruitful in the end.

haechan was your sole rival, the only person who had both the guts and the brains to challenge the spot you fought hard to fend off. he was never lacking in the personality department either, having the happy-go-lucky type that all the girls in tour class seem to be into these days.

anyone would swoon for him. well, everyone but you. at the end of the day, he was still your rival. you were never going to fall for someone in the likes of him. perhaps that’s why he’s taken the time to make your life a living hell by constantly staying in your presence.

even now, you’re fighting the urge not to punch his face as he tries getting your attention by messing up your hair with his fingers. “lee haechan, if you don’t drop it right now, you’re going to lose a limb in the next five seconds.”

“as long as it’s not my di-”

“i shouldn’t have given you the five seconds.”

“calm your horses, sunshine.” the boy teasing coos in your ear, his breath tickling your skin ever so slightly.

he’s been using that sickeningly, sweet nickname for you lately, making everyone think the two of you have some secret relationship going on. others would be dying to be in your position, but this was the last thing you wanted.

you wanted nothing to do with him.

well, now you had something to do with him.

“class, we’ll be doing a pairwork assessment in the upcoming week. i’ve already partnered each of you accordingly, please check the groupings list when you have some time to spare. don’t forget your finals come the week after as well!” your professor’s voice chirps through your ears early in the morning. you never had the best odds when it came to groupmates, most of them taking your kindness for granted before slacking off and leaving you with all the unfinished work.

you hope the god up there hears your pleas for once. having no one to help you for something that was meant to be done by a ‘pair’ was slowly but surely taking a toll on both your mental and physical well-being.

just. one. decent. partner. that’s all you were asking for.

after seeing the name beside yours on the list, you’re beginning to think there really is no god watching over your frail soul. lee haechan — his name might have just been the one you dreaded the most out of all your classmates, the all too familiar feeling of your heart sinking was starting to kick in.

speak of the devil.

“sunshine, we’re groupmates!” haechan peers over your shoulder, a bit too close for your liking.

with a small huff, you bring yourself to respond. “i wish we weren’t.”

“c’mon, don’t be too sad now. on the bright side, i’d say you’re getting a free grade for this subject through me.” he proudly announces, a knowing smirk beginning to pull the corners of his lips upwards. it’s almost as if he’s taunting you, silently conveying that you wouldn’t be able to pass this class without his help (which is not far from the truth if you consider how good he really is, but you’d rather not make that information public).

“whatever. let’s just work on our parts separately-”

“you’re coming to my house at five on friday so we can work on this.” he quickly refutes, not even giving you a chance to complete your sentence. frankly, you were starting to feel like a fool around him from the amount of times he’s rendered you speechless. “i’ll send you the location now.”

“i’m not free at that time.”

“that’s not what your schedule says if i remember correctly.”

haechan wasn’t wrong (again) — you were completely free during the time he suggested, however, you just didn’t want to meet up with him, especially during a time outside class hours. was that so bad to wish for? more importantly… how does he have your schedule memorized from the top of his mind?

flustered after getting caught in a lie, you were pretty much at a loss for words. “i- fine. friday at five.” you repeat his words from earlier, earning a cheerful grin from the boy.

“good. i’ll see you then, little sunshine!” you couldn’t possibly fathom his sheer excitement for this pairwork because you were surely feeling the opposite, worry already seeping in. it felt like you were reading one of those webcomics that placed a foreshadow and ended on a cliffhanger.

you can’t believe you just agreed to this arrangement.

-0-

“tell me i’m going crazy for allowing myself to be partners with the devil.” you beg your best friend in a desperate whine, shaking his body from the shoulders after ranting about your day to him.

“dude, i always think you’re unhinged-” chenle deadpans, giving you a look that makes you immediately stop wiggling him around like one of those inflatable waving balloons at gas stations. “just not for the same reason. isn’t he pretty good at calculus though? i don’t see where your problem lies exactly.”

you were currently at chenle’s for one of your regular sleepovers. it was much more comfortable in his home than your own tiny dorm room, especially when he had an apartment all to himself (courtesy of his parents).

as your parents all attended college together, the two of you have known each other since you were in diapers. at this point, you were essentially chenle's sister.

“that’s EXACTLY my problem. why does he have to be good at the only subject im dingy at. he’s always mocking me for being bad at it! like i’m stupid or something.” your words all come out as grumbles, the boy beside you knowing just how much you hated being belittled, most particularly when it came to your efforts in academics.

“aren’t you a little too old to be overly-fixated on a guy like him?”

“why yes. yes, i am.” this was beginning to sound like the start of every phineas and ferb episode the two of you grew up watching together. at least you were aware of your fixation with haechan… right? the boy just seemed to piss you off every time you think about him — it might as well pass as a hidden talent of his.

chenle’s laugh fills the room, having caught on to the similarities as well. “i’ll admit he’s a bit too much sometimes, but i don’t think he’s that bad.”

“is this you revoking our friendship rights because it sure does sound like it.” you gawk at the boy beside you, “but really, you’ve seen the way he’s treated me before.”

“i can’t lie there… but the guy has a good bone in him!” you swear chenle mutters a quick ‘i think…’ right after, causing you to snort in reply. sometimes, you wish you had even a fraction of his optimism. maybe, you wouldn’t be feeling so unsure about being partners with haechan.

“okay then, let’s see if that’s really true or not.” you conclude, taking the corner of the blanket chenle’s using and pulling half of it over to your lap. “though, i highly doubt it is.”

you most definitely thought wrong.

have your hunches always been this bad? you could’ve sworn the same thing happened yesterday too.

here you were right in front of the house address haechan sent you a few days ago. you figured it would lead you to a condominium or local dormitory (as per the usual for most students), but that wasn’t the case at all. the home in front of you seemed pretty big for a single college student to have all to themselves, and it looked fairly lived in already with a small, but well maintained flower garden decorating the outside…

did he just give you the address to his family home?

you check the time on your phone for the nth time, ten minutes till you’re supposed to meet with haechan. if you were going to ring on the doorbell, it was now or never.

as soon as the door swung open, your theories were immediately confirmed, now face to face with a woman who had an uncanny resemblance to your project partner. they even shared the same manner their eyes curve when they smile. she was his mother, without a single doubt.

“my! you must be donghyuck’s partner from school?” her tone was cheerful, almost in the same way as haechan’s, but it was filled with more care. perhaps it was the mother in her that got you to feel comfortable in her presence already. “he did say someone was going to arrive today.”

“yeah, that’s probably me, mrs. lee. it’s lovely to meet you-”

“oh deary, come in! the sun’s rays are going to burn your skin if you stay out any longer.”

maybe haechan and his mother shared another similarity: being unable to wait for someone to finish their sentence. either way, you didn’t think too much of it, focusing on the fact that she had already worried for you despite meeting you for the first time just a few minutes ago. you couldn’t help but feel cared for as a guest.

“mom, i heard the doorbell ring and- oh, you’re here already?”

his voice was already familiar to you, and yet, why did he look nothing like himself?

the haechan you knew always had his hair parted in the middle and styled with a hefty amount of gel, wore his signature black ripped jeans, brought a leather biker jacket wherever he went, and ultimately looked like he was up to no good, however, the boy in front of you sported fluffy brown locks, a plain oversized shirt and basketball shorts, a pair of adidas slides, and had glasses resting on the bridge of his nose.

never in a hundred years would you associate such a domestic image to haechan, yet you were seeing it right in the flesh. admittedly, he looked like a sweet little puppy who would probably follow his owner to the ends of the earth, and despite every bone of your body wanting to say otherwise, you’d be lying if you didn’t feel an attraction for the boy in front of you at that very moment.

“this is the first time our donghyuckie has asked for a girl to come over.” his mother chirps in gleefully, stealing your attention away from your rampaging thoughts.

“mooom, don’t embarrass me.” you hear haechan whine for the first time in your life, his lips pouting at his mother. though it sounds like he’s complaining, his expression says otherwise as he looks at his mother with so much endearment in his eyes.

“darling, you’re the one embarrassing yourself.”

normally, you would have chuckled at mrs. lee’s comment, but it felt a little awkward being part of a conversation between a mother and her son — not knowing if you should speak or not.

you wonder if haechan miraculously picked up on your hesitance, quickly excusing you and himself from his mother who swears she’ll drop by the boy’s room to give you some freshly cut fruits for the both of you to snack on.

with a small nod of gratitude, you find yourself unconsciously following haechan up the staircase to his room. the walls are filled with all sorts of memorabilia from the lee family, sucking your interest to check each one as you briefly pass by.

there’s a couple of crayon drawings hung up, bright shades of reds and blues filling the neutral tone walls with color. despite the intriguing doodles, you find yourself staring at baby photos — most presumably haechan’s.

you could tell it was him by the way his eyes crinkled into half moons, just like when he was talking to his mother earlier. a small yellow donut floatie wraps around his waist as he poses for the camera, and you couldn’t help but find the sight endearing. here he was, smiling like a cute little idiot as he gets ready to swim- did you just refer to him as cute? it was probably because they were baby photos. babies are always cute in your eyes (even when some turn out to be demons when they grow up).

with your unfocused state, you fail to notice the tips of haechan’s ears flushing as he realizes you’ve been looking at the pictures on the wall. his pictures on the wall.

he clears his throat, just loud enough to grasp your attention. “um, i think we should get started on the assignment, yeah?”

“o- oh. yeah, right.” you quip, tearing your eyes away from the pictures in the blink of an eye while biting on your bottom lip.

haechan’s caught you flustered more times than he could count with his fingers, but he thinks this might’ve just topped the charts. “come on, sunshine. my room is this way.” he nudges his head towards the furthest door to the left of the hallway, and for once, you don’t grimace at the nickname you’ve grown to hate.

-0-

with the close of your math textbook, the pairwork you both needed to work on was finally finished, albeit a lot quicker than you had originally expected. maybe haechan really was some sort of genius when it came to mathematics.

“that seems to be everything, right?” you ask your partner just to make sure, taking one of the apple slices his mother brought for the both of you with sheer delight in your eyes. you were genuinely glad this entire fiasco went better than expected. you worried over nothing back then with chenle.

“yeah, i was actually surprised you kept up.”

“hey!” you nudge him lightly, instinctively forming a frown on your lips. “i’m not that horrible at calculus. you just make it sound like i am.”

“touché, you got me there.” did haechan just admit defeat? just who was the person standing in front of you, and what did they do to the devil you knew from school? with the gears churning in your head, the frown of your lips had turned into a soft pout and haechan couldn’t seem to stop staring, pulling his eyes away from you only moments after.

“chenle was right when he said you had a cute side.” he whispers to himself, using his hand to muffle out his words even further, yet you still heard little incoherent bits of it.

“if you’re going to speak, you should at least let me hear it. the ants in your room are the only ones understanding your murmurs.”

“its nothing. just reminding myself about the due date for this assignment.” god, he hopes you didn’t catch on to a single thing he just did within the span of five minutes.

“alright…” you eye him for a brief moment, turning away to eventually fix your things back into the bag you brought with you earlier, and haechan lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in. thank god you were pretty dense.

“anyways, i think i should call a taxi. it’s getting late and i’m not sure if i’ll make it back before the dorm curfew in time if i stay any longer.” you murmur, more so to yourself, already slinging your bag over your shoulder.

“oh, right.” haechan states, quickly taking a peek outside through his windows. “i’ll walk you out then, sunshine.” his voice was rather downcast from its usual cheery tone, yet a smile still shines on his face.

“okay.”

you couldn’t help but share the same feeling. for some reason, parting with haechan felt bittersweet. you’ve finally seen a side of him that wasn’t such an ass, and yet, you know that once you see him on campus the next day, he’ll return to the person you loathe the most in the world.

and just as you thought, he was practically back to the same person he was prior to your little meetup — dare you say he’s even gotten worse, but for what reason exactly?

you’ve grown less apprehensive of his presence—albeit silently looking for him when the boy’s not around—in hopes you’d get to see that softer side of his once more. you like to think you might have just been infatuated with how drastically different he acted when you came over to do your pair assignment.

he still spewed out a few snarky comments back then, but they were never condescending in the way he’d treat you in class. you regret leaving much earlier because the two of you might’ve had an actual friendship in the works without all of the depressing rivalry nonsense going on.

though, all that hope did nothing to hide the fact that he wasn’t even sparing you a glance in class anymore. you think he’s even going out of his way just to avoid anything related to your being. those days where he would tease the living shit out of you seemed to be long gone, and truthfully, you felt a little saddened on the inside. who knew he had such a big impact in your life to the point you were beginning to miss, not just him, but even the rude comments he threw your way? that was a new level of low, even for you, yet you at least wanted things to turn back to the way it was — with the daily headaches and all. you out of all people would have never guessed everything to play out like this, but it did.

still, you weren’t going to sulk over a lack of familiar attention from the boy. no way. instead, you wished class would end soon so you could meet up with chenle and discard each of the annoying thoughts that weighed your mind.

not wanting to think about your situation with haechan any further, you were unaware that one of your suspicions was finally correct. he was, in fact, avoiding all contact with you.

the entire situation that happened in his house kept plaguing his mind, and the urge to kiss those pouty lips of yours grew each day (even if he didn't ask for it). how could he face you like this? he wouldn’t even be able to come up with any sly rebuttals if you tried to challenge him.

for once, you’ve left him speechless when it was usually the other way around. maybe he shouldn’t have invited you over to do the pairwork after all.

haechan thinks he’s going a little insane.

a few days pass by and without a reason to see you (since the only assignment you were paired together had already been completed), he was starting to feel a bit restless. yeah, he was avoiding you in the beginning, but now he’s quite certain you're returning his actions back to him with how little he’s gotten a glimpse of you over the week.

he knew you never cut classes unless it was absolutely necessary, but he found you to be missing during the only class you shared with him. that wasn’t suspicious at all. sure, he’s tried asking around for your whereabouts, but most just told him to find chenle because he’d know where you were. it was always chenle this, chenle that- if someone mentioned the poor boy’s name in his face once more, he thinks he might just pop a vessel.

“dude, you look constipated.” jaemin tuts at boy, closing the locker beside him. “if you want to take a shit that bad, the restroom is-”

“NO, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE A SHIT JAEMIN.” haechan huffs, earning the eyes of the people passing the hallway as he mumbles a sheepish apology to the crowd.

“geez, you surely got your point across.” this only earns him the sound of crickets, prompting jaemin to awkwardly laugh it off. “seriously though- you look as if you’re going to sharpen a pencil till it doesn’t want to get sharpened anymore then-”

“i get what you’re trying to say.”

“then won’t you spill the reason why you’ve been acting this way?”

“it’s…” haechan ruffles the back of his head, finding it difficult to even explain what he’s bothered by even though he knows exactly what it’s about. “it’s complicated.”

well, it wasn’t really that complicated if he thought about it more. he was most definitely getting ticked off about your relationship with chenle.

frankly, haechan’s seen you with other guys and has thought nothing of it, but his skin itches every time that guy turns out to be chenle. he knew the two of you were close friends and it’s wasn’t like chenle was any bad of a person either — hell, it was a known fact that chenle was bestowed a silver spoon since birth, yet still remained with a genuinely warm-hearted personality. not only that, but his looks often resembled a helpless kitty and assuming that most people — including you — are easily susceptible to cute things, he had practically won the lottery of stealing people’s hearts with ease.

haechan, however, didn’t want chenle to steal yours.

why? he couldn’t really discern that either or maybe he just didn’t want to acknowledge the reason why.

“whatever it is, i hope you resolve it soon or else people are really going to think you want to throw your guts down the toilet.” jaemin utters to himself, feeling a little betrayed that his own friend didn’t want to speak about his troubles.

“oh, shut up.”

-0-

you, on the other hand, had begun burying yourself in any sort of school related activity as much as possible. the last thing you wanted was to think about haechan and how he started avoiding you after that one fateful day. truthfully, you knew you were being a little over the top with the way you decided to act, especially since it was just a single day of seeing him as someone more than a person who tried to piss you off at every possible instance. even so, he just couldn’t get out of your mind no matter how hard you tried to push your thoughts away.

“y/n, you’re going to keep overworking yourself if you continue.” chenle’s voice rings through your ears, momentarily snapping you out of your trance.

“lele, it’s fine. i’m pretty sure i suffered worse back in freshman year.”

an exasperated sigh is the only thing you hear from him for a solid minute. “this has something to do with haechan, doesn’t it?” your best friend suddenly brings up, making you halt your typing on your laptop.

“what, not at all-”

“you’ve been acting different ever since you went over to his house. i’m going to assume you didn’t find him to be such a dick and now you’re contemplating on why you even despised him in the first place.” why did chenle’s intuition always have to be this razor sharp? he hit the bullseye and there was nothing you could do to escape him.

“so what if i did?” you scoff back, leaning back on your chair. “it seems like he’s the one who despises me now for some reason. what difference does it make if i don’t think he’s such a douche anymore? in fact, i think he’s even more of a dick for ignoring me the following days after i came over. i feel like my feelings got played with even if that wasn’t his intention.”

a few minutes of silence washes over the room with chenle breaking down your mini rant, word for word. “the two of you are pretty stupid, huh?”

“hey! what’s that supposed to mean!”

“i said what i said!”

perhaps haechan placed an irreversible spell on you.

your thoughts were fully occupied by him since you were so troubled by how things turned out between you two that you completely forgot about your calculus final test. in fact, you were so busy trying to find a distraction that you forgot it was in a day.

one singular day to prepare for a final exam. that was nowhere near enough time for someone like you. maybe god was reminding you just how dumb of a person you were to let yourself get swept up by insignificant things – at least that’s what you told yourself. at this moment, you had other things to focus on and haechan was at the end of the list.

a day breezed through like minutes ticking on the clock, and before you knew it, you were stepping inside the classroom whilst trying to calm down the jittery feeling that prickles your skin. for a brief moment, your eyes meet haechan’s, and he immediately turns his gaze away.

just as you had guessed, you mused. he wasn't just going to call you by the nickname he gave and wish you luck out of the blue. you were getting caught up in your thoughts again. what good would it do you to let him frazzle you once more? there was no time for you to have boy troubles, you had a test to ace (well, try to ace).

time continued to pass by quickly – perhaps a little too quickly since you barely finished answering all the items on the test – and you were out of the dreadful classroom after what seemed like an hour (though in reality, the exam took three hours total). sure, your face was as pale as a ghost from all the exhausting hours you spent cramming information into that tiny brain of yours, but at least the exam was done.

now all you had to do was wait for those damn test results- and maybe go through a breakdown while you’re at it.

-0-

it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you totally flunked your exam. despite your multiple crying sessions and consolations from your best friend prior to attending class, you were like a thin string on the verge of snapping into two.

you already knew you didn’t do well on the exam, and the anxiety that built up while waiting for your paper to get distributed felt intolerable like a heavy burden on your chest. all you wanted to do was return home and sob your heart out in the same regret that you didn’t prepare for the exam better.

“ y/n, i expected better from you considering your pairwork result with haechan was quite astonishing.” your teacher comments as they hand your test paper back, practically announcing to the entire class that your score was certainly below average. it was something unexpected to others – even if you had already anticipated it – and quiet whispers erupted from your classmates. all of them gossiping about what your score actually was.

the silence was deafening and you desperately wanted nothing more than to leave the classroom. your feet took off before you could even register it, stepping outside the room as you clutched your exam results to your chest.

your sight was beginning to turn misty from the tears forming. god, you never cried in public before, but there was always a first for everything, right?

the click of a door alerts you back into reality, a warm hand cupping your cheek. “y/n…”

it was haechan. why did he follow you out? was a failing grade the only reason he’d talk to you? did he come here to mock you again? you couldn’t even think straight- no. you didn't want to think at all.

you blink a few times to get rid of the tears, letting them fall without a care just to regain your vision. there you find his eyes filled with nothing but concern and worry for your current state. “hey, it’s going to be alright sunshine.” he utters out softly, as if you’d break if he spoke too loud. “you can cry all you want.”

maybe it was the way he spoke to you so softly despite the fact that you two were rivals that caused you to calm your sobs, yet you were still confused. why was he here helping you? isnt he supposed to be degrading you for how bad your exam scores were like all the others inside the classroom? why was he being so… gentle with you?

it was as if he could hear the waves of burning questions you had for him despite your soft sniffling every now and then. haechan could understand where your uncertainty was coming from – after all, he’s never treated you the best by any means aside from that one time you came over. he’s been nothing but a dick, and he knew that.

a moment of silence fills the air, but surprisingly, there isn't an ounce of tension between the two of you. if anything, you’re quite enjoying the quiet comfort he’s providing — not like you’d admit that directly to his face just yet.

he tries to speak up unannounced, making you jolt a little. a chuckle erupts from him and you swear you’ve never heard anything like it. had you ever heard him laugh like this before? you don’t think so.

it makes you feel all warm and cozy inside, a feeling that’s pretty foreign to come from someone you consider a rival. you clear your throat after the thought, wanting to brush it away. you’re not sure if you’re just deprived of joy after going through another meltdown, but you want to hear him do it all over again.

it sends gleeful tingles all over you, a feeling you could get addicted to like candy. truthfully, you aren't sure what overcame you, but you can't tell if you should even be feeling this towards your own… rival? is that what he still is to you? after all this?

perhaps he’s trying to manipulate you- you think to yourself as a means of rationalizing his actions. would he really do something like that? it seemed like your internal conflict was pretty visible on your features since haechan noticed you scrunching your nose while debating with yourself. he always seemed to understand you, even when you never verbalized anything. the same thing happened back then with his mother too.

“before you say anything, no. i don't have any ill intentions by doing this.”

“so what…? you’re just pitying the position im in?” your words come out slowly.

he scoffs at the claim, though it sounds more like he’s in disbelief than anything. “its nothing like that. it would be rude of me to pity someone in the likes of you.”

you render yourself speechless—like you always are when it comes to him—not really having anything to say in rebuttal to his statement, the silence urging him to continue. “i could tell today was harsh on you. i heard what the others were saying and it seemed pretty ballsy of them to me.”

his words had you laugh a little through the tears and the boy instinctively uses his thumb to wipe the specks that threatened to fall down. “i just thought they shouldn’t be the ones to judge you. after all, im pretty sure your grade exceeds theirs. plus, it’s none of their business to delve into your scores.”

for some reason, his words hit you harder than they should. he was right, yet again. the only person you thought who didn't understand you was actually the closest person who shared your struggles. you found yourself so petty for considering him to be such a dislikable person just because he was competition to you.

“i also have something else to apologize for…” he begins, opting to face you properly. “i shouldn’t have gone that far into avoiding you when you obviously wanted to try and fix our strained relationship. i just wanted to sort out my feelings for you- y’know, make sure they were there and all.”

feelings? he had feelings for you, when you perceived him as such a foul being? how could he say that so casually? a few tears slipped past, not because of your grades, but because of the guilt for treating him so harshly, now trying to sputter out apologies through your sniffly hiccups.

the same sound of his chuckle from earlier ringed through your ears, wiping away your tears to find him almost beaming at you.

“why are you looking at me like that-“

“i just didn’t take you for one to cry so cutely. who knew, huh? but really, you’re acting as if i didn’t return any of the mean remarks back. call us even now if you wish.”

a small laugh erupts from your sobs, “i didn’t take you to be someone so cheesy.”

“well, here’s another cheesy line for you.” before you knew it, his lips were smashed on yours. it was almost hypnotizing, the way his plush lips felt on yours. truthfully, you wanted more, already infatuated by a mere kiss. it felt too good to be real.

he pulls away shortly after, noses barely touching each other by how close he still was to your proximity.

“god, if i knew kissing you would finally shut that pretty mouth of yours, i would’ve done it sooner.”

“oh, fuck you hyuck.” you grumble in protest despite the smile that had already overtaken your expression, completely forgetting your low score from the exam.

“gladly.”

“that’s clearly not what i meant, dumbass!”

“... your dumbass?” that signature smirk of his making your mind go blank.

you simply let him win the light-hearted argument this time after not coming up with any witty rebuttal, puffing your cheeks in frustration. haechan was, indeed, your dumbass now (lovingly). he gives you another little kiss on the cheek as a token of his appreciation, and you had already forgotten why you were grumpy in the first place.

“yeah, okay.” you giggle lightly. “my dumbass.”

“then you’d better know now that i’m never letting you go, my sunshine.”

and despite the inkling that the banter between you two will never cease, you feel you're relishing it far more than your past self ever would.

taglist | @haeravlgs, @matchahyuck, @vantxx95, @ahnneyong, @lixxbr0wnie, @legbouk, @rocarecs, @winwonies, @gfrdistance, @nctzennikki09

— lmk through an ask if you’d like to be added!

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

Text

%! dessert kisses — k-i-s-s-i-n-g event

× kim sunwoo: surprised kisses

INCLUDES! fluff, established relationship, you being cheeky heehee but sunwoo reciprocates

NOTES! this actually prompt 10 instead of 9 but i realized after i wrote it so, happy belated sunwoo day 🫂💓

WC! 375 words

“Don’t you think that this tastes kinda weird?” you gestured towards the treat in your hands that you took a bite off of. In reality, the dessert tasted just fine. You were a regular at the store and you trusted that their product always tasted consistently good. You just have a cute little cheeky idea in mind to pull off on your dear boyfriend.

You pushed the treat towards Sunwoo’s face, encouraging him to have a bite and check the validity of your statement. He hummed as he took his time to chew and properly taste the treat, thinking really hard as to see if he tasted anything off from the usual.

Even after taking a second bite and drinking some water in between to make sure he could make sure his taste buds weren’t being distorted, he still couldn’t quite spot what was strange about the dessert. Slightly defeated, he looked back at you and simply shook his head.

“It doesn’t taste weird to me, but if you really don’t like it this time I can-” his lips shut tight after he felt a familiar feeling coming into contact with his. Your lips turned into a smile after seeing his immediate reaction, satisfied with the turnout of your plan.

“Mmm, now it tastes good. Thanks, Sunwoo,” your lips turned up into a wide smile. His eyes still widened, you very amused at the long (and maybe dramatic) reaction he gave. You continued to eat away your treat happily, leaving his shocked state alone in his own world.

Though it didn’t last longer than a few seconds before Sunwoo held your chin in between his index and thumb and turned your head towards him, his lips meeting yours once again.

Your lips locked ever so gently with his. They fitted into each other so perfectly and danced together in sync.

Finally separating, your faces were still merely centimeters apart. His eyes slowly fluttered open and looked into yours. Due to the proximity, you couldn’t see lower than his nose, though you could feel the heat from his lips that he was smiling. Or maybe it was a smirk but you didn’t really care anymore after the words he said next.

“Yeah, it tastes much better.”

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rikiblues · 2 years ago

Text

— WALKING ON SUNSHINE (k.sw)

summary: everything about your breakup with sunwoo had been amicable. you even still considered him to be a close friend — which was probably a good thing considering neither of you remembered to inform your families of your split. so when a conjoined family holiday is sprung on the both of you as a summer surprise, you have no choice but to act as though nothing had changed.

genre: exes to lovers, fluff, authors terrible attempt at comedy, slow burn

word count: 12.5k

warnings: mentions of food (ice cream in one scene), mentions of alcohol, profanities, reader threatens to k!ll sunwoo a lot (valid), cliche after cliche bc author is in love with sunwoo, not proofread bc elle is Lazy

dt: the wonderful @kurosism because you said you were always excited to see what i post and that melted my heart <\\3 also i will never miss an opportunity to tell you how incredible and kind you are ; and my beloved @seoulbinz for the wonderful header and for putting up w me complaining about writing this for the past week <3

inspired by walking on sunshine by katrina and the waves

“what do you mean sunwoo’s family will be there, too?”

“i mean, sunwoo’s family will be there too.” your mother sighed in exasperation, completely unaware of the look of sheer terror on your face at that moment. “we thought it would be a lovely way to get to know your boyfriend’s family a little better - the kim’s are in full support of it!”

“no – no, there’s no problem.”

except there was. there was one huge, debilitating, unavoidable problem.

sunwoo wasn’t your boyfriend.

he hadn’t been your boyfriend for five months.

apparently, you had forgotten to tell your mother that part.

it hadn’t been something you had deemed urgent, considering the nature of the breakup. there had been no tears, no drama – just a simple hug and a diverted conversation onto the latest marvel show to be released. rushing home to tell the world you were single again wasn’t anywhere near the top of your priority list.

you had intended to tell them at some point. it had just so happened that, by the time you got around to visiting, your brother had conveniently announced he had signed a record deal, and the subject matter had been pushed out of your mind once again. if you had then been distracted by netflix and many drunken adventures with hyunjae… that couldn’t be held against you.

after all, it was starting to seem like you weren’t the only one who had forgotten to mention the breakup.

your mother finished filling you in on the details before hanging up, only half of which you fully took in, but you managed to gather that the trip was somewhere along the lines of a resort holiday on jeju island. knowing your combined families, it would surely be far too expensive, and more of a pageant than a holiday, but you would have time to digest that later.

for now, you had to deal with the raging issue of what the hell you were going to do.

your fingers had never moved as fast as they did when opening your chat with sunwoo, but before you got the chance to even decide on your opening sentence, his caller id flashed brightly across your phone screen. he had received the same message, it seemed.

“so, i guess my summer plans of doing absolutely nothing have to be cancelled.” sunwoo mused before even saying hello. “i can’t believe you forgot to tell your eomma we broke up!”

“excuse me, mr. kim!” you chastised, no real anger in your tone “i’m pretty sure you forgot to mention anything, either.”

a dramatic (expected) gasp from sunwoo had you giggling on the other side of the phone. “you really want me to break my eomma’s heart like that? you’re her favourite child – and she has two actual children!”

“we broke up – i didn’t die.”

“same difference to my mother.”

even in such strange circumstances, it was good to hear sunwoo’s voice. despite your history, you had still missed the boy, not able to find time to see him anymore. your interactions were limited to the occasional text now you weren’t obliged by relationship to hang out. if you were really feeling fancy, you might even reply to his close friends story on instagram with a joke from a few years ago. that had been sufficient enough for the past few years, but hearing his voice over the phone was a small reminder of how much you still cared for him as a friend.

“do we tell them?” you asked quietly, testing the waters of how sunwoo truly felt about the situation.

truthfully, you were more than willing to put on an act for a few weeks in exchange for a free holiday. but the lack of contact with your ex made you unsure whether he would feel the same. for all you knew, there could be someone else in his life now. you doubted he’d want to spend two weeks pretending to be in love with you if that was the case.

“break their hearts and miss out on a free holiday? i thought you knew me better than that.” and perhaps you did, although you hadn’t wanted to get your hopes up.

“so we lie to our families and scrounge off them for thirteen days and then conveniently split up on the final day?” you offered, already planning a million and one ways to put your love of dramatics to good use.

you didn’t have to see sunwoo to be able to picture the shit eating grin probably on his lips at that moment. it was one of his signature expressions. “exactly. the most awkward plane ride home known to man.”

the pause that followed was surprisingly uncomfortable for you could practically hear sunwoo’s brain running at full speed.

“it’ll be nice to see you again, anyway.” he admitted after the pause, such a confession somehow making things more awkward, but that didn’t stop the smile from returning to your face.

“are you sure you want to admit that considering you’ve got to spend fourteen whole days with me?” you giggled, hoping to bring some sense of comfortableness back to the exchange.

you succeeded, for the quiet laugh sunwoo let out was a reward in itself. “i might drown you by day five, we’ll see.”

“i’d be more worried about my brother drowning you.” happy with the dissipated tension, you giggled along. “he still hasn’t forgiven you for beating him at the christmas family quiz last year.”

“younghoon doesn’t scare me.”

younghoon absolutely terrified sunwoo. you could still remember the first time you introduced the two of them, the way sunwoo’s hand clammed up the entire journey there, his constant questions of whether he looked okay, if you thought younghoon would like him.

as it turned out, younghoon loved your boyfriend. so much so that he had taken to bullying the poor boy as a sign of affection. sunwoo loved him back, you were sure, but it didn’t stop him from panicking every time the older of the two turned to look at him.

really, there were too many reasons you couldn’t tell your family about your break up.

“i give you a day before you’re asking me if he really likes you.” you jabbed, hearing the muffled mumbles of complaints come in from the other side of the phone.

“it’s not my fault he’s so tall.”

if the holiday went anything like this phone call, it just might be okay. all you had to do was fake it for two more weeks, and then you could go back to just being casual friends. plus, it wouldn’t be hard to pretend you were in love with sunwoo, as you still loved him – it just happened to be in a more platonic way this time.

if it saved breaking your family’s hearts, just for two more weeks, then you were prepared to do anything at this point.

it was painfully embarrassing how long it took you to recognise sunwoo at the airport.

first of all. his hair was pink.

pink. not just a casual peach - it was eye burningly bright pink. and annoyingly so, he looked even hotter than usual.

you knew sunwoo was hot – you dated him for nearly two years, after all, but this was a whole new level of attractive you hadn’t been prepared for. the boy could pull off pink hair, for god’s sake! that was a feat in itself.

“well, i’m definitely not losing you any time soon.” was the first thing out of your mouth, pleasantly greeted by a wide grin on sunwoo’s lips. you had been fairly confident that he wouldn’t make the situation awkward in the first place, but it was always a relief to be proven right.

so why did you feel so breathless right now?

“can’t wait to dye the private pool pink.” sunwoo puffed his cheeks out, then in one swift move, pulled you into a hug. it felt friendly, to you at least. you were sure your family (who were sat idly by the side, observing) would see it as something else – but it was a welcome comfort nonetheless. sunwoo’s strong arms didn’t hold back as he squeezed you against his body, the action followed by the realisation that this was what you were in store for all week.

“if you get pink on my bedsheets you’re sleeping in the pool.”

“please wait until we’re at least at jeju to start the freaky shit.” your brother complained in passing, too quick to be caught by your hand stretching out to hit him.

“that wasn’t even weird, you asshole!” younghoon only winked back at you, skipping happily to join his best friend, chanhee, who had also been invited on the family trip. that alone made you want to cry, for there was no way you were escaping their teasing for the next fortnight.

“younghoon, don’t wind them up. you’re stuck on a plane with them for an hour.” your father scolded his eldest child, prompting you to stick your tongue out in your brother’s direction. you could already see him pulling faces, a welcome victory.

sunwoo shuffled by your side, alerting you back to his presence. “how long until the flight?”

“an hour and a half until the gate opens.” his own mother answered, joining your parents in whatever gossip session they were having, but still finding time to pass her son a soft smile.

an hour and a half to relax before the first two weeks of your acting debut began. or so you thought.

sunwoo, it seemed, had other plans. with a convincing hum of come on, and a firm grip on your hand, your ex boyfriend quite literally dragged you away from your conjoined family and off towards the airport’s food court. you barely even had time to let out a whine before you were appearing in front of the starbucks, and sunwoo’s hand was releasing your own.

“you know we could be spending valuable bonding time with our parents right now?” you complained petulantly.

“and have to pretend for an hour longer than needed that we’re still dating?”

clutching a hand to your chest in feigned hurt, you didn’t care about the stares you’d surely receive as you collapsed into sunwoo’s side dramatically. “wow, say what you really feel.”

“i want coffee. shoot me.” sunwoo shrugged with a grin, receiving a smile from you in response.

he wasted absolutely no time in hopping up to the counter to order whilst you found a high table in the centre of the open drinks court. it was still way too early in the morning to fully function, but you somehow managed to clamber up onto the tall seat and make claim to your resting spot before the hour flight.

most surprising of all was that when sunwoo walked over to your table, he was holding two drinks – one very recognisable as your regular coffee order. he handed it to you as though it was nothing, and you had to resist the urge to point it out as you supposed nothing was all it was. you were going to have to do a lot of reminding yourself that he was your friend now. it was just a friendly gesture. he had remembered your coffee order from all the times you had forced him to order for you over the past few years, that was all.

“we should probably talk about boundaries, i suppose.” sunwoo mumbled after taking the largest (and most annoying) slurp of his iced drink.

“probably.” you grimaced back at him, the sound going straight through you. “this feels so weird.”

“no need for it to be! we’re just two friends… pretending to date… again.” sunwoo seemed to realise just what he was saying mid way through, stopping to pull a face of his own. “okay, yeah it’s weird, but it’s only for two weeks.”

even with the strange air surrounding the both of you, you managed to push out a smile. it always seemed easier around sunwoo. “i don’t really have too many boundaries. just be nice.”

“touching? kissing?”

ah. that was something you hadn’t even considered.

you shuffled in your seat, hoping sunwoo misjudged your antsy habits as tiredness instead of reading into it. “well, we were never really big on the p-d-a anyways, so they won’t get too suspicious if we’re not super clingy.”

“it’d probably be suspicious if we avoided each other for two weeks, though.” sunwoo frowned slightly, eyebrow raising with a type of suspicion that even made you wary of your own thoughts.

it wasn’t like you didn’t mind sunwoo kissing you. you had once been used to it, so an occasional peck ever now and then for two weeks didn’t seem like much of a problem at all. it was more your concern that he would be uncomfortable with it. you knew where you stood, but you weren’t a mind reader.

“you’re welcome to get close when you feel it necessary. and i don't mind a kiss or two.” looking directly at the boy, you saw him staring straight back at you with an unusual type of recognition. one you couldn’t place “you know… just to convince them.”

sunwoo cleared his throat not so subtly. “yeah. to convince them.”

there it was again. the uncomfortable sense of self that overtook the two of you. it was like a brutal reminder of exactly what your relationship was all over again. inbetween moments, it was easy to convince yourself that this was normal, and the two of you were just friends going on holiday – but every now and again came the reminder of who sunwoo was to you.

he was your ex boyfriend. and this was weird.

who could blame you if you found it easier to sit in silence for a moment? sunwoo would restart the conversation once he felt the tension disappear.

“you feeling okay?” and he did just as so.

“hmm?”

“‘bout the plane?” sunwoo paused to take a drink as he let his words sink in, waiting for the recognition to show on your features before he continued. “i know you’re not really a fan of flying.”

it was true – probably even an understatement. flying terrified you, hence why you usually avoided such a thing. in any other situation, you would have found a way around it, but the last thing you wanted was to tell your mother your true worries after all the effort she had put into planning. “i’m nervous, but at least it’s only an hour.”

sunwoo nodded along, clearly vividly remembering your trip to japan for your one year anniversary, in which you spent half the plane ride wanting to cry, and the other half fast asleep from the exhaustion the fear had brought you. “you’re welcome to hold my hand if you need.”

he gave you a classic smile. one of those you had grown to adore over the time you had known him, a simple reminder that he meant it – that you would be okay as long as you were by his side. funnily enough you always believed him.

so, if you held sunwoo’s hand tighter than necessary during take off – then that was a secret between the two of you.

whilst day one had been full of greetings and laughter; a few hours to unpack followed by a chaotic group meal with both families, day two brought around the start of the relaxing part of the holiday.

everything so far had been hectic enough to stop you from overthinking. you had landed at jeju, been escorted by a very suave man to an insanely expensive resort, shown your incredibly expensive room, and whisked away for a far too classy meal. it had been one whirlwind and then another, so much so that you had even put your socks in your t-shirt draw in your rush.

the prospect of lounging around the pool seemed almost euphoric after the mind-boggle of the first day.

the biggest problem was that now, you had time to think. too much time, infact, to the point you were starting to feel guilty for coming on this entire trip in the first place.

your parents had paid for a private resort, with five star service and a view of the beach from all your rooms. there was a private pool, a gym in the basement, and a dining room just next door with the most exhilarating seafood platters you had seen in your life.

and you weren’t even dating sunwoo.

deep down, you knew there was no reason to feel guilty. your parents had booked the holiday because they wanted to, not purely for the sake of you and your ex, but the prospect of having to break their hearts all over again at the end of the holiday was what made you feel bad. you didn’t want them to think back on this trip and have it clouded by drama.

plus, looking across the poolside where you sat to see your father in a deep discussion with sunwoo’s own dad was too much to bear. you only hoped your news of a breakup wouldn’t ruin their freshly blossoming friendship.

once you noticed the telltale signs of your brain wandering off once more, you buried your nose back in the book for an easy distraction. you weren’t far off from needing to add more sunscreen, but you could last another chapter.

not that you would ever get that far.

“when did you become a bookworm?” came sunwoo’s grainy voice, telling that he had just woken up (at one in the afternoon, nevertheless, but what else were holidays for?).

“since i was like, seven.” you grumbled in response, looking up to greet the boy but being met by his silhouette and the blazing sun instead.

sunwoo noticed you squinting, gently reaching out and pushing your sunglasses from the top of your head so that they covered your eyes. it was a simple action, but in the corner of your eye you could see your mother’s cooing at the both of you.

“i’ve never seen you read before.”

you couldn’t help but scoff “yeah, because you’re an attention whore and wouldn’t let me focus.”

sunwoo only made a sound of agreement, shrugging as he flopped down (ungracefully, you had to add) on the lounger next to you “sounds like me.”

humming, you returned to your book, thinking that was the end of that conversation. you really should have known sunwoo better.

it took all of thirty seconds before the pink haired boy began poking your arm from the lounger. you had half a mind to get up and move away from him, but stubbornly weren’t ready to give in. sunwoo only took that as a sign he was winning, reaching over until he could poke at your thigh instead.

a pathetic attempt to kick him off only made him whine, getting more annoying in turn, and you were suddenly reminded that this was day two. you loved him indeed, but murder was starting to seem ten times more likely by the end of this holiday.

“this is exactly what i meant when i said you’re an attention whore.” you murmed, trying not to look up from your book, but failing all in the same second.

“i have absolutely no shame.”

“y/n! sunwoo!” chanhee’s voice rang out, saving you in the moment. you looked to the doorway back into the resort to see your brothers best friend stood with a towel over his shoulder. his vibrantly blue hair hadn’t been as shocking to you as sunwoo’s pink as you were fairly used to him sat in your parents bathroom at two in the morning getting younghoon to play hairdresser. “we’re going to go play volleyball on the beach if you wanted to come?”

“well, i’m going to play volleyball. chanhee’s going to give it his best go.” younghoon appeared from behind his best friend in the doorway, narrowly avoiding chanhee’s flying arm as he grabbed his beach bag from a nearby chair.

glancing over at sunwoo, you could practically see the divide on his features. he clearly wanted to go, but mr. younghoon doesn’t scare me was seemingly terrified of spending time with your older brother.

“i will kick your ass kim younghoon.” you effectively made the decision for him, discarding your book (after marking your place, of course) and jumping to your feet. sunwoo followed, only seeming partially hesitant now you had shown your enthusiasm.

younghoon laughed, already leading the group down the pathway that led to the beach. you barely had enough time to grab your own towel, pleasantly surprised to see sunwoo had already grabbed you a spare bottle of water as you followed. “i’ve seen you try to play volleyball before, i’m not scared.”

truthfully, this match would just be younghoon versus sunwoo, and both you and chanhee were very much aware of this. younghoon had the height advantage, and sunwoo had the athletic ability, but having a minor chance at beating your brother in something meant that competing was definitely worth it.

the volleyball net was luckily unoccupied. the resort’s private section of the beach being, in itself, surprisingly empty today. this probably had something to do with the extortionate prices of the rooms here, but you certainly weren’t complaining about it being practically empty minus a few families.

younghoon and chanhee took their positions on the other side of the net to you, taking just a moment to discuss a sort of strategy. you thought you should probably do the same with sunwoo, but only one thing really came to mind.

“you know i’m absolutely horrendous at beach volleyball, right?”

sunwoo actually snorted “you think you can handle being at the front?”

“handle is a bold word, but i can give it a go.”

and give it a go you did. so much so that you were embarrassed to admit just how much sand you ate. as expected, sunwoo and younghoon both excelled in their roles, to the point you and chanhee had taken to playing a dramatic game of rock paper scissors through the net.

on the few occasions you were called upon to hit the ball, you either made such a genius move to the point that sunwoo screamed and hugged you, or hit the ball far enough away that a family’s dog began to chase it down the beach. there was a fifty percent chance you were going to cause someone an injury, but that was better than you expected.

as it turned out, you ended up with the most important shot of the game. you had conveniently looked up just in time to see the ball coming towards you, hitting it back over chanhee’s head and catching younghoon off guard to make your team reach the target score. sunwoo hugged you tighter than before as a result, but the most satisfying part was watching younghoon turn sour as a result of losing.

“you’re a big baby.” you could hear chanhee prod, holding in a laugh as your brother muttered about unfairness and advantages. younghoon mumbled something in response which you couldn’t hear, but it didn’t stop the giggle that escaped your throat.

“i’m all sweaty now.” sunwoo spoke to no one in particular, but your reaction had been almost instantaneous. up until then, you had latched onto his side, a small amount of skinship (or a lot, considering your ex was in the smallest tank top known to man) that would back up the act of your relationship. but this didn’t stop you pushing him away after the admittance.

sunwoo only laughed at this, doing his best to follow your movement and hug you again. “kim sunwoo i will kill you i swear!”

“return his body! i want to laugh at him!” younghoon shouted over at the two of you as you wrestled amongst the sand.

you had just managed to get out of his path when sunwoo grabbed your hand, tugging you firmly until the sand moved below your feet and you fell straight forward. he tucked an arm around your waist easily, stopping you from slamming onto the sand, but you didn’t even care for the action, more focused on getting his self-confessed sweaty body away from you.

“you are so disgusting!” you squealed, kicking your feet in the sand in annoyance once he decidedly flopped on top of you. “i will literally break up with you!”

“can’t do that if we're not even dating.”

you gasped quietly, shoving at his shoulder once more as you lowered to a whisper “younghoon doesn’t know!”

instead of the terrified face you had expected, sunwoo only burst into laughter and rolled off of you to the side. it was then that you became painfully aware of the sand sticking to your own body, the feeling unpleasant, but the least of your worries right now.

“he’s gone, you idiot.” sunwoo chuckled to himself, chest only heaving further as you tilted your head backwards to see that, indeed, younghoon and chanhee were nowhere to be seen. chanhee had clearly escorted your sulking brother back to the resort whilst you had been battling your teammate. “come on. let’s wash the sand off in the sea.”

“fine.” you happily took the hand he offered to pull yourself to a stand, not thinking twice about it. “if there’s fish, i’m letting them eat you.”

“we’re literally in the sea, of course there’s going to be fish.” sunwoo’s hand slipped down yours, but never left it completely. instead, he let his pinky finger intertwine with yours, an action he always did when you were dating, but didn’t seem to realise he was doing once again. selfishly, you daren’t make him aware either, happy to indulge in your first pieces of physical contact since your breakup those months prior. “also what is it with you and threatening to hurt me lately?”

you hummed, shrugging as you began to walk out into the water. it was cold, but not unwelcome considering the blazing sun battling down on your bodies. “i’ve got four missing months of threats to make up for.”

“touché. how did you ever survive without me?”

“i had to direct all my anger towards eric. but then i felt bad every time he bought me lunch.”

sunwoo stopped once the water reached his waist, the level coming higher on your own body. he dropped your hand finally, and you simply put the action down to him ceasing movement. if it had been in response to a certain boy’s name – well, then that was only for sunwoo to know.

“you and eric are speaking again?” he asked quietly, and you knew why he was so hesitant.

prior to meeting sunwoo, eric had been your best friend for over a year. the two of you were practically inseparable until you started dating sunwoo. after that, eric became distant, avoiding you when you were with your boyfriend all together, no matter how much you insisted that the two of them would get on.

as it turned out, eric had apparently been harbouring a crush on you for years. his sudden avoidance of you made you confront him one day, finding out about his secret in the process. you didn’t know exactly why he had backed off until your breakup, when eric had turned up to apologise, completely unaware you and sunwoo had broken up only hours prior.

“yeah, we made up. turns out he only backed off because he didn’t want to make us uncomfortable.” you couldn’t help but absentmindedly touch the water with your fingertips as you spoke, sunwoo following the movement closely. “he’s happy now, i think. dating someone in his calculus class.”

“i’m happy for him.” sunwoo didn’t sound completely convinced in his own words, but you daren’t question it. the last thing you wanted was to completely shatter the mood once again.

this was one of those moments where your brain amazed you. you didn’t want it to turn awkward, and yet instead of continuing conversation like a normal human being, the only solution you could come up with in the moment was splashing your ex boyfriend straight in the chest. the physical effect was immediate, his tank top sticking right to his body (and you weren’t looking at the way it hugged his figure), but the mental processing took a little longer.

sunwoo blinked at you once, and then twice. then three, four times, repeatedly until what you had just done hit him. then, all at once, he attacked.

no mercy was shown.

“hope the fish enjoy their dinner.” was the only warning he gave before his hands were on your shoulders, pushing you backwards until your body slammed against the water and you went under.

worse still, the scream you let out was so ill-timed that instead of inhaling air, you inhaled a hefty mouthful of salt water. it was a good job you managed to close your eyes in time, but that barely mattered coupled with your under water sputtering. you were lucky you didn’t swallow a fish at this point.

once you surfaced again, hair now flat to your face and expression less than impressed, sunwoo couldn’t hold his laughter in. he nearly doubled over with amusement, which in turn only made you frown more, and the process repeated itself.

“yeah yeah, laugh it up.” you splashed him again, but with no real malice behind the action. sunwoo didn’t retaliate either, far too occupied laughing his heart out over your new appearance.

sunwoo barely managed to calm down enough to get his words out, “that certainly washed all the sand off.”

“hurry up and get washed off, you ass.” you grumbled “i desperately need a drink.”

“i think you need a towel first.”

“now listen here you little–”

the first time sunwoo kissed you again, you tried not to think twice about it.

it was only day five when it happened, a tiny, insignificant part of your day that you weren’t yet ready to process.

whilst the volleyball games and tanning sessions had been wonderful, your families had insisted that part of the holiday be spent exploring, too. although your mother’s idea of exploring was searching for every handbag she could find in a local market.

ulterior motives aside, you had to admit it was turning into a fun day out. the market had a bigger selection of handmade gifts than you had given it credit for, and along the way you had even managed to pick up a few gifts for your friends back home. notably, the most out of shape plant pot in existence, but you couldn’t leave it behind. if anything, it’s irregularities gave it character.

somewhere along the line, younghoon decided to layer as many silk scarves over chanhee’s shoulders as he could, their laughter echoing through the market space and infectious enough that soon, half of your group were in a battle about who could find the most unusual clothing item. you definitely annoyed a few of the stall owners, but it was worth it to see the proud look on sunwoo’s face when he stepped out of a booth in a pink tutu adorned with tiny embroidered pigs trapped in the mesh. he would’ve won the competition too, had his own father not found a t-shirt made from newspaper cuttings of lee byunghun’s face.

the only prize from the competition was bragging rights, but sunwoo’s father, kind as ever, decided that the commiseration prize was ice cream, and none of your group would have ever turned down free snacks. especially after seeing the wide range of flavours available.

“i don’t think i’ve had that much fun since i was a teen!” your mother exclaimed rather dramatically as you sat around two sets of benches with the sweet treat.

“i’d like to think our wedding was pretty fun, darling.” came the counter from your father, sunwoo’s parents chuckling along with them, exchanging their own memories of marriages and celebrations.

“i bet the next family wedding will be y/n.” the not so subtle way sunwoo choked on his ice cream was a perfect example of how you felt.

the only thing you could do was chuckle nervously. “we’re way too young for marriage, eomma.”

“age doesn’t mean a thing,” sunwoo’s mother smiled at you, gaze kind and completely unaware of exactly why the comment horrified you, “we got married when we were eighteen, and look at us now!”

“unless sunwoo has any plans to propose, i have no plans to get married.” was your measly attempt to get your family to drop the topic.

your mother, it seemed, was having none of it, asking “so you wouldn’t be opposed to marriage?” at the same time as sunwoo whined “who says i have to be the one to propose?”

you chose to fixate on the latter, shooting sunwoo a glare that practically screamed shut up. you should have known you’d be met by his usual mischievous grin, and absolutely zero intentions to help rescue you from the situation. he was showing by the second that he was a much better actor than you were.

sunwoo raised an eyebrow as he waited for your response. “because… you know.”

“what if i want you to get down on one knee?” he teased, completely immune to the sheer terror you were experiencing.

“oh my god, no one is getting down on one knee-”

“personally, i’m a little offended you’ve ruled out the possibility of me getting married first.” younghoon pouted, prompting a glorious snort from his best friend, who had just happened to be taking a sip of water at that moment.

“your parents are going to have to pay someone to marry you, at this point.” chanhee giggled to himself. you weren’t watching the duo, but you could hear the sound of a (light) slap, followed by the mumbled bickering you were very much used to between your brother and his friend.

“at least i want to get married, unlike someone.” younghoon turned his attention back to you, playful and goading, but enough to have you spluttering.

“i– it’s not… i mean… marriage. you know.”

sunwoo was the one to stop your murmuring, fully aware of the way all eyes had fallen on the two of you and the anxiety it would surely cause. instead of saying anything to draw further attention, he only took your hand in his, placing them on top of the table. the contact was just enough to satisfy your nerves, the comforting squeeze he gave it being just enough to reassure you that you hadn’t messed things up. it could be played off as nervousness; you hoped, at least.

“how did you and younghoon meet, chanhee?” sunwoo’s mother asked kindly, directing everyone’s attention away from you.

you were grateful for the space to breathe as chanhee rambled on about high school and library books, far too aware of how close you were to blowing your cover. you hadn’t meant to panic, but the topic of marriage was one terrifying thing in itself, let alone when the groom in contention was sitting right next to you as your ex lover.

it passed, eventually, sunwoo’s hand in yours just enough to make up for his teasing from before, and you were able to focus in on chanhee’s story for a moment. not that hearing about your older brother’s high school days was much better.

despite the new conversation, you couldn’t help but notice the way your father stared at you for that prolonged moment, eyes dropping down to your hands. sunwoo, it seemed, noticed it too, attempting to subtly grip your hand firmer until your satisfied father turned away.

that was when the kiss came. you knew it was for the sake of replacing the fallen beam in your act, but the naturalness to the action still terrified you.

“hey, you have some ice cream,” sunwoo had started, quiet enough to seem secret, but still surely heard by the rest of your party. he turned you head with his hand until you were looking at him, but his own gaze was focused elsewhere. with one swift swipe, he used his thumb to wipe some ice cream residue you hadn’t even noticed off of the corner of your lips, “here.”

if you weren’t aware of the performance the two of you were putting on, your heart might have fluttered. hell, it still did, even with the script in the back of your mind. it was only made worse when sunwoo leant forward, completely aware the audience were watching, to capture your lips ever so briefly.

the angle was enough to spare you a full on kiss, but the peck was still enough to make your stomach twist slightly. it was an intrinsic reaction to your ex boyfriend, way too used to feeling nervous around him, but it didn’t stop the lump from appearing in your throat. for just a moment, it was like nothing had changed. looking into sunwoo’s eyes was just enough to let yourself get lost in the fantasy. it was, after all, a classic sunwoo move. especially when he knew the oohs and ahhs from his family would follow.

satisfied with his display, sunwoo sat back, acting as though bashful to be caught in such an act of affection. you could only force yourself to follow his lead. you weren’t about to let yourself be the weak link, after all.

you expected that jittery feeling to linger for only a second. then disappear as quickly as it came. but it didn’t. it made itself known as you finished the rest of your ice cream, and as sunwoo took your hand back in his. it stayed all throughout the walk back to the hotel room, and barely left when you made your way back down to the beach.

when most of the day had passed, and you still couldn’t shake the butterflies, you could only do one thing.

ignore it.

so, you locked that emotion in the tiny box in your brain – the one with the big red sign that screamed DO NOT THINK, and then you moved on.

or at least, you tried to.

perhaps it was just your sudden awareness of how much you longed for physical contact. that was the only reason you could still feel the ghost of his lips on yours. you had kissed him a million times before, after all. hell, you had done more than just a simple peck over two years. there was no way such a small action had you overthinking this much.

it was just that it felt so natural. had you not been painfully aware of your predicament, it would have felt like sunwoo meant the kiss. but that was a stupid thought all together. sunwoo was playing his part, and you should be doing the same.

it certainly didn’t help that his eyes sparkled in the sunlight whenever he laughed. or that he kept making a point throughout the day to refill your water bottle whenever it found itself empty. or that he still looked beautiful when fast asleep on his side of your shared bed. and there was absolutely no way you could escape him.

you would be lucky to survive the holiday with any room left over in that little box in your mind.

as it turned out, family holidays when the children reached adulthood were one giant excuse for the parents to get drunk and not have to worry.

you knew sunwoo had a low tolerance (chanhee too, if younghoon’s stories of university were anything to go by), meaning you were actually impressed that both sets of your parents managed to tap out before any of you. or rather, were forced to withdraw.

sunwoo’s mother’s tolerance was actually impressively low, just a few sips of her husband's wine, and she was giggling all over the place. and your father wasn’t far behind. younghoon had aptly called it ‘car crash tv’ at one stage, and watching four grown adults giggling amongst themselves about something that definitely wasn’t that funny seemed to fit that description perfectly.

“i can’t believe i’m only tipsy, and they’re wasted.” sunwoo had even commented at one point, younghoon patting him on the back in sympathy.

“that’s because you’ve only had half a glass of wine. you and chanhee aren’t allowed anymore.” younghoon scolded, only half serious, but the return of sunwoo’s scared-of-younghoon face was definitely worth it.

“hoon, y/n. i’m pretty sure your mother is about to leave her husband for the waiter.” chanhee suddenly giggled, leaning his head on sunwoo’s shoulder.

“oh my god – eomma, he’s still in university, please leave the poor kid alone–” younghoon huffed as he ran over to apologise profusely to the young server who had seemingly been stuck talking to your families for way longer than his contract would have stated.

you could only giggle at the sight, happy that everyone seemed to be getting on so well, whether they were drunk out of their minds or not. you had no doubts it would only be a matter of minutes before you were walking them back from the restaurant to the resort, but the giggles it would bring would certainly be worth taking care of your drunken parents.

the intention of the holiday, in your mothers own words, had been to get to know sunwoo’s family better. there was no better bonding experience than wine, it seemed, and who were you to say no to them having fun? you were certainly glad, however, that neither younghoon or yourself had picked up your family’s awful tolerance.

“okay, bed time.” you heard younghoon chastise again, doing the best that he could to all-but lift your father from his chair.

“love, i think we’re being grounded.” your father had only giggled to himself, making the others erupt in another round of laughter.

you stood up to join them, choosing to be helpful and link your mother’s arm, as sunwoo and chanhee copied you with his own parents. it was certainly a task to get them up from the table, and you were more than glad the tab would be charged automatically to your card, as there was no way you would be able to face the waiters your parents had already traumatised. plus, if the way your mother was latching onto your arm was anything to go by, you had about five minutes until she fell asleep standing up.

getting them back to their rooms was another task entirely, more about wrangling a bunch of overgrown children than actually walking. everything that sparkled, or resembled an animal in any way (including a potted plant your mother was especially enamoured by) was cause enough to stop and coo until they were perfectly satisfied.

somewhere along the journey (the literal five minute route it was meant to take you to get back to the hotel), they had all broken free from your grasp and managed to regroup with more laughter. it was certainly a good job you were in an enclosed and safe area, otherwise they would definitely be a flight risk. still, their regroup left the opportunity for the four of you to cling to each other as well.

you practically mimicked the adults, younghoon and chanhee walking ahead, the latter with his arm hooked lightly through your brother's arm. they were talking about something animatedly, still stopping occasionally to check that your parents hadn’t ran away, but were otherwise engaged with whatever they were discussing.

you envied their friendship sometimes. you had a lot of wonderful friends, one’s who you were sure loved you very much, but there had always been something special about chanhee. not just in the way they cared for each other, but also how chanhee cared for the rest of the people younghoon knew. you were a few years younger than him when he met you in his teenage years, but not once had you ever felt unwanted, or spoken down to. he had always made it his mission to fit into your little family, and even now, you felt incomplete without him. you could only hope one day you’d have a friend like that.

sunwoo, it seemed, was that for you. except sunwoo wasn’t who they thought he was, not anymore.

the way he held your hand gently as you walked back to the resort made you delusional enough to forget that. just for a second.

even when you reached the glass doors that led to inside your parents’ rooms, bidding them goodnight and sweet dreams, he didn’t let your hand go. he kept you close by his side, thumb subconsciously running over your knuckle, holding you just close enough that your lower arms brushed together with every light movement.

it was all for show, you had to remind yourself. he was doing this to further your little lie you had created, and the second your parents turned away, he’d drop your hand once more and pretend nothing happened.

but he didn’t.

he didn’t drop your hand when your parents said goodnight, and he didn’t drop it when younghoon and chanhee said their own goodbyes. he didn’t drop it when you walked back outside and around the courtyard and headed back towards the pool and the glass doors that led to your own room. he only let go once you passed the pool, stopping suddenly to turn and face you.

instead of moving backwards like you had expected, he took a step forward, arms falling around your own frame in a firm, but surprising hug. so surprising that you didn’t register for a moment, confused by the sudden affection, especially when out of sight of your families.

you could only put the action down to the glass of wine he had consumed, the same one that had tinted his cheeks red. or maybe, he was itching just as much for physical contact as you had been.

you should have really known sunwoo better than that.

his true intentions became clearer within five seconds, his arms moving from around your waist to hook under your arms, lifting you up off of your feet.

there was no point wrapping your legs around his waist. you knew exactly what was coming.

it was inevitable no matter what, but you still pathetically protested: “if you throw me in the pool, so help me kim sunwoo, it will be the last thing you do.”

sunwoo hummed, tucking his head over your shoulder as he walked you to what you knew was the edge of said pool. the one you were certain you would be in within seconds. “sorry what was that? i couldn’t hear you over my plans to throw you in the pool!”

true to his word (and your suspicions), he did just that. it took a little more effort, the angle he was carrying you at coupled with your half-hearted attempts to escape making the toss difficult, but you still hit the water nonetheless. most disappointingly, you hadn’t even managed to pull him in with you.

and the water was cold. it was no longer the glorious refresher from the lunchtime sun, but a night-time ice bucket that you could only flail around in until your feet found the ground once again.

your outfit was certainly ruined – it wasn’t like it was the best one you brought, or anything. not at all. and your shoes wouldn’t be in a better state, but you almost couldn’t find it in yourself to be mad. sunwoo laughed and laughed, expecting your incoherent shouts and face of disgust, but none of that came.

not one ounce of annoyance came over you.

because it was then, as you looked up at his figure standing on the poolside, the moonlight outlining his figure and his laugh ringing through the otherwise still air that you realised. every little niggling emotion you had felt over the past week made sense and every thought aligned all at once.

you were still in love with kim sunwoo.

truthfully, you didn’t think you had ever fallen out of love with him.

maybe you didn’t even know at the time. maybe you really thought that you were happy with the break up, that you would be content on your own. you had spent four months convincing yourself that it was okay, so much so that you had tricked your own brain into believing those lies.

perhaps, all you needed was a chance to fall in love all over again. a reminder of why you adored the boy standing in front of you so much.

if the realisation had hit you whilst freezing to death in the pool he threw you in, then that was just a minor inconvenience. the feeling itself was enough to warm you, the boxy smile that never left his face only making the butterflies in your stomach crash into each other once again.

“i’m sorry.” he giggled, mistaking your silence for frustration, but he wasn’t sorry. and you were glad he wasn’t, because suddenly everything make sense.

new problems would come along soon, you were sure of that, so for five more minutes you’d allow yourself to bask in the feeling.

all through him helping you out of the pool you let yourself focus on the feeling of his hand in yours. you let yourself imagine that the way he helped you indoors, got you a towel, and even put your pyjamas on the heater to warm up was because he felt the same. and just for a moment, it felt real.

the past week and a half, just for five minutes, was real. your relationship was real, sunwoo loved you back, you had never broken up, and everything was okay.

it almost hurt to leave him, to slip into the bathroom near your room to change. you knew once you left, the illusion would be shattered, and you’d be alone with your thoughts once again. sunwoo’s warmth would be gone, and replaced with the cold bitter reality that he wasn’t yours. not anymore.

then, once you were changed and ready for bed, eaving the bathroom only stung more as you were suddenly faced with the lack of safe space, and the image of sunwoo curled up on his side in bed. he wasn’t asleep, you could see that much, laying with his back to the doorway, scrolling on his phone, but he had yet to notice your return. you couldn’t make your presence known, not just yet. if anything, you were ready to resign yourself to running away – catch an early flight, go into hiding, never have to face your feelings again.

because now, it really did hurt. standing in the doorway, watching him simply exist, hurt.

all because you knew you couldn’t have that, not now, not again. sunwoo wasn’t yours anymore, no matter how much the holiday fooled you into thinking as such. he hadn’t been yours for four months, and wouldn’t be again.

everything you were feeling, sunwoo was completely oblivious to. you’d return home, and he’d go back to his life. he’d date, he’d work, he’d move on, and you’d be left in the dark, forced to reason with your own emotions and pretend nothing was wrong. you were pretty fed up of pretending by now.

love was a stupid concept, in theory. great when it comes naturally, but painful when the man you choose to be in love with just happens to be your ex boyfriend. worse still when all you could do was suffer in silence alone. you were an adult, you could deal with it, and you were going to have to.

but even adults now and again need their siblings, so that was exactly where you headed.

by some miracle, you managed to slip back out of the room without bothering sunwoo, heading down the corridor to where you knew you’d find who you needed, only hoping he hadn’t succumbed to sleep just yet.

when you pushed open the door to younghoon’s room, you could faintly hear the tell tale signs of your brother debating with chanhee over another pop culture issue. deep down, you felt awful for interrupting their conversation, especially so late at night, but this was one of those moments in which you needed to speak to younghoon as your brother.

“hoon? can i speak to you?”

the two boys on the bed looked up and over at you, only one second of processing your stance before they realised the nature of the upcoming conversation. chanhee stood up upon instant, giving younghoon’s shoulder a squeeze as he whispered about giving you privacy. he made a point to gently rub your arm as he passed on the way out, a gesture which you appreciated, but you were undoubtedly happy to be alone with younghoon just for now.

it was like the closing of the door was a trigger, for once the wooden frame fell shut, the tears sprung up to your eyes, and you were forced to move towards the bed for fear that your legs wouldn’t hold you up any longer. younghoon reached out upon instinct. pulling you close to his cross legged frame so that he could wrap his arms around you in a tight hug. his hands naturally came to cradle your head, tender touches accompanied by soothing whispers as you finally let the tears fall until the emotion began to dissipate.

“i’m still in love with sunwoo.”

younghoon pouted playfully, not clicking on just yet. not that you could blame him, considering the act you had put on. “i would hope so, considering he’s your boyfriend, and all– hey, what’s wrong?”

“we’re not together, hoon.” you admitted all at once, too terrified to even look your brother in the eye for fear he’d be ashamed of your lies, “we haven’t been for five months.”

younghoon sighed, but didn’t back away. instead, his grip tightened on your body, holding you as close to his chest as he possibly could.

“fuck, y/n. why didn’t you say anything?” he whispered, hurt evident but worry outweighing any of that.

“i was going to, but then all this time passed and i just forgot, and now…” your words were lost in a sob. “eomma was so excited for this trip, i couldn’t just break her heart like that.”

“you could have told me, baby.” younghoon spoke so tenderly, you panicked it might make the tears worse. he was exactly what you needed in that moment, the comfort you had been searching for that could only be provided by your brother. “i’m your brother. as much as you get on my nerves, you’re still my favourite human.”

no matter what happened, younghoon was still the person you knew loved you the most. you argued a lot, as expected of any sibling duo, but the love he showed you in even the smallest of actions far outweighed the tough times. he would have been there for you through anything, and a hug from him had better healing powers than magic, you were convinced.

that was what broke your heart more, knowing you had kept the breakup from him initially when he was so kind, and so understanding. a lot terrified you in life (love, for one), but losing touch with younghoon had to be top of that list. you were foolish for ever thinking he would treat you otherwise.

simply getting it out helped. saying those words out loud, not just about being in love, but about what you had gone through, made you feel lighter, even if just for a moment. you hadn’t even realised how hard it had been to carry it all.

it had been just what you needed. the only problem was that this security couldn’t last all night.

by the time you returned to bed with a lighter conscience, sunwoo was fast asleep, or so you thought.

you nearly considered sleeping on the sofa, just to spare you heart for tonight, but it wouldn’t have been worth the questions it brought from the boy in question. so instead, you resigned yourself to clambering under the covers with the intention to stay on the opposite side of the bed.

sunwoo, it seemed, had other ideas. within around five minutes of you waiting patiently for sleep to overtake you, there was movement on the other side of the bed and sunwoo soon shuffled by your side. you didn’t resist the arm he threw over your body, but that didn;t stop you from tensing up just for a moment. he no doubt felt it, opening one eye to see your expression.

it wasn’t like you didn’t expect physical contact with him, but so far the two of you had kept your distance at night. this coupled with your recent thought process and the heavy beating of your heart meant that it was much harder to stay sane than first thought.

“where did you go?” he mumbled sleepily, cheek smushed firmly against your shoulder which was muffling his speech.

“just to see younghoon.” you answered honestly, trying to focus on keeping your heart rate level. you wanted to cry, in complete honesty, far too emotional from earlier discussions.

sunwoo hummed, the sound vibrating through your body. “missed you.”

“you should be sleeping.” you scalded instead, too terrified to consider what that statement might mean in contention.

you couldn’t allow yourself even a moment to think of what could be. you needed to sleep, brush these thoughts out of your mind and pretend that the day hadn’t happened. sunwoo was determined to make that difficult, and you couldn’t even be mad. not at him, not ever.

“hm. couldn’t sleep without you.” if only he knew the weight those words carried for you. the raspy, sleep filled chuckle that followed only made the thumping of your heart worse “i’m getting sort of used to this.”

“don’t say that.” you muttered, having had enough of the torture. you pushed him away lightly, not enough to cause offence and hoping you could pass it off as being warm.

it failed it seemed, sunwoo sitting up on his elbow to stare down what was now your back facing him. “y/n, what’s wrong?”

“nothing. i’m just tired.” you lied through your teeth, praying he gave in to the late night and settled down. you gave in, however, when the silence that followed became far too much to handle. “go to sleep, woo.”

sunwoo, from what you could tell through just the silence, didn’t seem convinced. you were sure his brain would have mimicked a clock had you been able to hear, the ticking practically audible even now.

you half expected him to give up and settle down, petulant and stubborn as usual. instead, you were met with a strange timidness to his tone. “if something was wrong, you’d tell me, right?”

the sincerity in his voice was enough to grab your attention. he sounded so genuinely concerned that your head almost willed to turn, being greeted by a face that mirrored his words. he looked oddly anxious, nibbling on his bottom lip and playing with the bedsheet, looking so unlike sunwoo that you couldn’t help but turn back to face him.

instead of the act of ignorance you had tried to implement, you stuck out your hand to rest on his wrist in response to his question. you were a weak person when it came to kim sunwoo, and there was no point denying it any longer. maybe, for tonight, your heart and its worries could wait if it meant getting to satisfy the pink haired boy.

“i promise.”

sunwoo didn’t seem convinced for a long moment, searching your features for any signs of lying. it was a good job the holiday had helped you perfect your poker face. the last thing you wanted now was for your emotions to betray you.

he wasn’t satisfied, that much you could tell, but he gave in nonetheless. you knew he had accepted defeat when his arms opened wide in an invite you brain was practically screaming to deny. it would only cause more trouble for your heart down the road, but you had tried to deny it once before, and this was where you ended up.

and so you gave in, let yourself be engulfed in a cuddle by sunwoo, lulled to sleep unexpectedly quickly by his breathing and warmth – because after all, no amount of anxiety and insecurity would ever beat the safety that being in sunwoo’s arms brought you.

your revelation marked the start of the last three days of your holiday, and they seemed to roll around slower than before.

the final full day had been spent as expected, everyone moping and lounging until it turned dark, too sad to admit that soon you’d be saying goodbye to the island. that the holiday was over.

except, for you and sunwoo, this meant something different. it marked the end of much more.

you had gotten used to not seeing him, to no longer living out of his pocket. but two weeks in paradise, coupled with the feelings you still harboured in your chest were going to make what was about to come ten times harder than initially planned. not just on you, but the families too.

everyone had bonded over the two week period, from your parents, down to sunwoo and chanhee. you knew the latter of whom had exchanged numbers, their friendship built on teasing, but based on love. the last thing you wanted was for the impending break up to nip that in the bud.

in theory, it should have been easy. you had been friends after the real breakup, before the holiday. you should be able to go back to being friends now. but something had shifted, at least for you.

you knew you couldn’t go back to friends. before, it was easier. to your best knowledge, your feelings for sunwoo had disappeared, and you could continue with the knowledge and safety that he felt the same. you could live your life without that weighing on your conscience. all of that safety was gone now.

you knew you couldn’t just go back to being friends. that would hurt you too deeply, and you weren’t sure you were ready for pretending – not with sunwoo. it was easy with everyone else, but never with him. strangers would hurt, but it was seeming the only option that would protect your heart in the long run.

when you all retired to bed that night, it began like the one a few days before. sunwoo’s arms around your frame, his head tucked gently in your neck, and slow breathing lulling you both to sleep. it was easier to focus on the melody of his breath than to think about the alternatives. how this time tomorrow it would all be over.

except when you woke up, the end hadn’t quite come. you woke up in tomorrow, but with the world still in darkness, and an empty space on the bed where sunwoo had laid just hours earlier.

the clock on your nightstand told it was only three a.m, the sun not due to rise for at least another hour.

you knew better than to hunt for where sunwoo had gone, especially so late at night and with your heart in such fragile condition. it would be easier to stay in bed, remain ignorant and pretend that you had never woken up. that way, you wouldn’t be tormenting your heart with the idea of having sunwoo for just a second longer. you could prepare yourself for the inevitable, start practicing the distance.

that was the problem. you were too selfish to do just that.

so with a deep breath, and the blanket wrapped around your body, you clambered out of bed and on the hunt for where the boy you were in love with had gone.

he wasn’t at the poolside, the first stop you came across once leaving the glass doors. if he had been in the bathroom, you’d have heard him, so the only reasonable place he could have gone was to the other rooms – or so you had thought at first glance.

it was as you headed across the decking to the corridor adjacent to yours that you saw the gate down to the beach wide open, distinctly remembering closing it when you returned earlier in the day. that was pointer enough as to where sunwoo had headed.

venturing into the dark on your own didn’t seem like a pleasant concept, but the prospect of finding sunwoo there was enough to spur you onwards. and sure enough, your process of elimination had served you well.

there, sat by the sea with his shoes by his side, and bare feet dug into the sand, was kim sunwoo.

“couldn’t sleep?”

sunwoo turned his head to see you walking towards him, giving you a rehearsed smile that seemed different than usual. if you didn’t know better, you’d say he almost looked sad.

“needed some air.” he commented, chin resting against his own shoulder in support.

“i won’t disturb you, then.” you smiled peacefully, moving to turn back inside when sunwoo’s voice rang out from behind you once more.

“no!” he had jumped up to his feet, taking a stride towards where you now stood, hand outstretched with an attempt to stop you. “no! uh – stay? maybe? unless you’re tired, obviously.”

“i’m not tired.”

“good.”

there was a moment in which the silence dropped into awkwardness, unusual for the past week. you were grateful for the waves in the background masking the sound of you heart ringing in your ears. it distracted you from getting too lost in your thoughts, a difficult task considering sunwoo was standing in front of you in just his pyjamas, pink hair messy from the wind and sleep. looking just as perfect as ever.

he knew it too, that things felt wrong. the distance between you felt longer than just a few metres, your bodies isolated from any connection as a result of something unspoken. something you couldn’t even recognise.

“can i ask you a question?” sunwoo blurted suddenly, breaking the silence, but not sounding any less awkward than before. even when you nodded, it took him a moment before he could go on, “did you try to date again... after we…?”

you thought about teasing him, just for a moment. it would have been too easy to coo about his curiosity, make him blush and writhe under your stare, but something about the way he stared back at you with such genuine want to listen compelled you to be honest.

“uh – no. not really.” it was true. the prospect of dating hadn’t once crossed your mind in the four month period you hadn’t been together. now, you supposed you knew why “you?”

the expression on his face told he was about to say something you didn’t want to hear.

“i tried. just a month before we came here, actually.” you were right. you didn’t want to hear that. but you let him continue, nonetheless. “they were in my music production class, we got on really well. i sort of figured out they had a crush on me, and i liked their company, so i asked them out.”

“sunwoo, if you were seeing someone, you shouldn’t have agreed to come here–”

sunwoo didn’t give you enough time to finish, something akin to determination taking over him this time. “i’m not seeing anyone. i said i tried, but it didn’t feel right. quite the opposite in fact.”

should that have made your heart squeeze in your chest? it didn’t mean what you thought – it just meant it didn’t feel right. there was no point in getting excited, but there was a tiny part of you that couldn’t help but hope. the same part that made you ask “how come?”

sunwoo shrugged, a strangely genuine smile creeping onto his lips as he discussed such a topic. “i don’t know. they were fun, don’t get me wrong. we had a great time. i took them to that little arcade down the road from the politics building. we were there for like six hours, or something stupid, just challenging each other on every dumb game we could find.” you remembered the arcade, the fond memories the two of you had there in summers of the past. if you thought about it for long enough, the prospect of sunwoo taking another person there might have hurt. “but by the time i walked them home, i realised that was just it. i liked spending time with them, for sure, but they weren’t the one for me.”

something in sunwoo’s eyes told he wasn’t done.

“they weren’t you.”

forget skipping a beat, your heart nearly stopped all together. you didn’t understand, you needed more before you let yourself get your hopes up. you couldn’t be crushed like that “sunwoo–”

“just, let me finish, yeah?” sunwoo countered, cringing at himself for cutting you off once again, but you wouldn’t take offence “if i stop, i don’t think i’ll be brave enough to get it all out.”

it seemed more was what you were going to get.

“when we broke up, i really thought we were doing the right thing. i thought that i still had all this growing to do outside of our relationship, that i still had to learn to be independent. and it felt right for so long. shit – i think i convinced myself i wanted it because i was too scared of what i actually wanted… which was you, forever.” his breathing faltered, eyes dancing everywhere around the beach front but at you. “i think i’ve realised now that i was wrong all along. i didn’t have to be isolated in order to grow. i could have done that plenty well enough with you by my side, and i would’ve been happier that way.”

more. you had gotten more. and now you didn’t know what to do with it. scream? thank god? cry?

you knew exactly what he was trying to say. it was how you had felt about him all along. the realisations that had hit you that night, looking up at him from the pool, they were all reflected in the way sunwoo looked at you. like everything made sense once again. you didn’t know if your heart was ready to handle such a thing.

“i don’t even know if i’m making sense. hell, i barely even knew my own emotions until a few days ago. i had a feeling when i went on that date, but being here with you, seeing the way my parents adore you… it made me realise just how big a part of my life you still were.”

even as he paused, taking a breath big enough to prepare for his continuation, you couldn’t find the words to respond. you could only stare in disbelief that he felt the same. he just needed to say it.

“i never fell out of love with you, y/n. if anything, i think this trip has only made me love you more. i just had to put my naivety aside to see it.” sunwoo knew, too. those last words he needed to say out loud to make the confession real. “fuck, i love you. i love you so goddamn much that i would completely respect it if you decided to walk away now and never look back.”

you could only laugh, eyes stinging with grateful tears as you stared back at him. words had completely evaded you. any normal thought except for he feels the same had disappeared from your mind, leaving only happiness and disbelief in their wake.

sunwoo loved you too. he had never stopped loving you.

and he thought you were stupid enough to walk away.

“you’re an idiot.” you laughed quietly, desperately wiping at your eyes to see his terrified expression in full clarity.

he looked terrified indeed, more than, even. too scared to even blink and miss you turning your back. “i know. i’m so sorry.”

you shook your head lightly, feeling mean for not putting him out of his misery, but you were too elated from the confession to even care. “no – you’re an idiot because you’ve spent way too long standing there when you could have been kissing me.”

sunwoo’s eyes widened, staring ahead at you with the same expression you were sure you were wearing during his confession. confusion morphed into disbelief, which morphed into relief, and settled on happiness. the realisation of exactly what you were saying. that was enough to career him forward, feet travelling in the sand until he was stood in front of you, and you returned those three precious words that meant so much more.

“i love you too. i never stopped. i didn’t realise until the other day, but now i don’t want to waste any more time.” you admitted, searching his eyes for any sign of doubt – none of which you found.

he knew, just as much as you. this was the right thing, this was exactly what had been intended by the universe. you loved kim sunwoo, and he loved you back – no breakup, no amount of distance or space could ever change that.

when he kissed you again, properly, this time, you could have sworn you felt the earth move below your feet. the peck in the market was nothing compared to the elation the real thing brought. it was truly as though nothing had changed, from the way his hands gripped your waist, to the way he led with such confidence. he knew everything about you, down to the way you liked to kiss – slow and steady but with tender confession swapped between bodies. and he made sure he did just that.

sunwoo let one hand lift to your cheek, thumb brushing over your cheekbone with gentleness that on, any other day, might have made you cry. you were on top of the world, now, a quick exchange from worry to elation, and kim sunwoo was the reason for all your joys. he held you close, nibbling on your bottom lip and whispering almost incoherent confessions between touches and pecks. by the time he pulled away, it was as though everything left to be said had already been spoken.

you felt it, too. loved. you felt so, so loved from just the way he looked at you. you couldn’t believe you hadn’t seen it before – mistaking the glistening in his eyes for being hues of the summer, when in reality, they were all for you.

every worry you had seemed insignificant now. your lie had only shifted into a white lie, performance become verbatim, and you couldn’t be happier.

paradise had a funny way of making the truth come out. even now, with the sun still below the sky and no sign of it yet appearing, you felt warmer than ever.

you were walking on sunshine, and it felt good.

note: hello and welcome to: officially the longest fic on this account HSHDHSH would u believe me if i said this was only meant to be 4k long :o and yes the ending Is rushed bc i wanted to get it up asap but i do not care i am happy

this was honestly a little different for me. it might not seem it but usually i go in with all these preconceptions about the writing being good and the descriptions being good etc etc. but for this i just decided to have fun. and i sort of really love the outcome. so i hope w all my heart that you enjoy it too <3

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