rocdiary-blog

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It’s important to remember that love portrayed in movies and media is often over-exaggerated! In real life, you’ll get angry at your partner, or irritated, or bored. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Love and relationships require work and commitment, and as long as you are willing to keep moving forward with them then that’s all that matters.

I know I struggled with not contantly being in “love,” I thought something was wrong with me. I thought if I wasn’t constantly feeling good feelings toward my partner then it meant that the relationship was over. But that’s not how it actually is! Truth be told I was happy with my partner, but it took a while for me to realize that it’s okay to feel angry or irritated with them too. It’s okay to get some alone time. It’s okay to want space.

Getting over this anxiety and rOCD takes time, and there will always be setbacks or bad moments, but realize that there will also be good days! There will be good weeks and good months! As hard as it is, don’t focus too much on the negative. Try to talk it out with your partner, your friend, your therapist, or whoever you trust. Everything will be okay, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

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When I first started experiencing anxiety and rOCD, I had no idea what was going on and felt like I was crazy. If I talked to people they would say that I probably should break up with my boyfriend, but I didn’t want to do that. If I looked up stuff online, almost everything would tell me that I’m not happy in my relationship and needed to move on. But none of those things felt right. I was happy with my boyfriend, so why did I feel this way? 

It took a while, but then I found this site where other people felt exactly how I did. I felt such crazy relief, and if you’re interested in sharing your experience or just want to read about how others feel and react to their own experiences, you guys should check out this site!

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It’s hard to believe but somehow it is true!

I have realised that when I spoke with my therapist about very bizarre thing I experienced one year before my ROCD came around.

It was a golden autumn 🍂 and the UK was getting very rainy and dark. I was starting to be overloaded with academic work. I have changed my routine and had very little time for myself. I remember one evening when my friend told me about her relationship doubts and problems. How distanced she felt towards her boyfriend and how she loves to talk to her ex... I was sitting there with this strange feeling that somehow could relate to what she was going through. But I said nothing. I was too embarrassed to share with her that in my relationship something is off, too. I was getting those, weird thoughts “did I fell out of love?” for the next 2 or 3 weeks. They were more intense during a week when I had to work and they faded when I was enjoying my weekends with my boyfriend. I remember, I had this weird self-given deadline - “If you still feel like this in December then you have start worrying”. In December we were supposed to visit my family together so I was a bit concerned about how it will go with this strange, new feelings I was experiencing. But as I was getting more and more projects to finish, I completely forgot about those thoughts and they disappeared. And only once they were gone, I told my friends about it. The visit in December went great.

One year later, we were already engaged and during the peak time of my busy period of academic work I got those thoughts again! This time I started analysing them a bit more and getting very impatient. I told my friend straight away and she ensured me that it will pass as it did last year. Not long before this she broke up with her boyfriend... The time passed and I was trying to speed the process and get rid of this uncomfortable sensation and thoughts. Day by day they got darker and more intense. It was very very scary. ROCD came and stayed with me for good this time.

Why?! My therapist said “You acted on those thoughts, you gave the meaning!” She was right.I made my thoughts real by telling my friends about them, by trying to push them away!

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There is so little awareness about relationship OCD

I am absolutely disappointed in media overidealizing relationships and their volatility, how love comes and goes and people suddenly stop loving each other. I went through severe depression and ROCD and my feelings were not being at danger due to the ocd itself but due to these ideal images of how relationships should be. I wish I had known earlier that relationships take work and commitment, it is more of a business than we possibly know.

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I will let Kiyomi answer this question as she is the one who saved me from giving up and gave me so much relief.