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The one where Dick has zero concept of how the average person lives

I want a fic where Dick just has absolutely no concept how the average person lives. He went from being raised in a circus to being raised in a manor by a billionaire. His concept of what is expensive and what is totally normal is completely skewed. That whole meme where someone thinks a banana costs $10? He really does think a single banana is $10. He thinks fresh fruit in general is ridiculously expensive; it's a luxury. He just thinks Alfred keeps so much of it in the manor because Bruce is rich. He'll eat a single strawberry and think, "Wow, this is the life."

At the same time, he thinks having expensive suits/clothes is totally normal. His family's circus costumes were some of the most expensive items they owned because it was essential to their act. Similarly, he thinks Bruce spends a fortune on all his suits and clothes for galas and events because it's part of being CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Their Batman and Robin costumes are expensive because it's part of their job. Clothes are super important. Doesn't everyone spend $45 on a plain T-shirt? His Gotham Academy uniform alone is stupid expensive, and that's just for school, every student wears the same thing.

He doesn't think his top of line fancy as hell cell phone is expensive because Bruce gets them through WE. They're basically free. Dick gets a new prototype phone like twice a year. Never mind that Bruce owns WE, that's irrelevant. It's an essential item in this day and age. It can't be that expensive.

So when the young justice team is hanging out at Mount Justice and Wally complains about his phone being old and not working right or not holding a charge the same anymore, Robin barely looks up from his phone and shrugs, saying in a nonchalant tone, "Dude just get a new one then."

"Oh yeah, let me just go get a brand new phone," Wally mocks, scoffing. The sarcasm goes completely over his head.

"B gets me a new phone all time. Just ask your dad, dude."

Everyone stares at him. Even Conner, who somehow knows more about things like this than Dick does. Cadmus psychic education was good for something, apparently.

When Dick looks up, he's confused about why everyone is staring at him.

"What, dude?" he asks, not understanding why Wally is making so many faces at him.

"You are so stupid sometimes," is all Wally says.

"What?" Dick asks again. Then he sits up, a frown on his face. "What's that supposed to mean!"

"It means you have no idea how a normal person lives," Wally jokes.

"That's not true!"

"It's totally true."

"Rob, dude," Wally says slowly, gently, as if Robin is a dumb little child. "Yesterday, you called M'gann outrageous for using raspberries in one of her dessert recipes."

"She used the whole container of them!" Robin defends himself, his voice getting a bit higher. "For a tart she didn't know she'd even like!"

"Robin," Wally says slowly, folding his hands, "how much do you think a box of raspberries costs?"

Robin shakes his head, looking offended.

"I dunno, but it's expensive!"

"But getting multiple new phones a year isn't?" Wally scoffs.

"They're essential!"

"A brand new phone is not essential!"

"It can't cost that much!" Robin argues. "You're so full of shit, Wally, you're just being mean to me!"

"You're literally wearing a designer jacket right now," Wally points out, tugging at Robin's jacket. Robin pulls away from him with an even more dramatic frown.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin whines.

"It means you're a snob," Artemis snorts.

"I am not!"

"You have a brand new WayneTech phone that only came out on the market like a month ago," Artemis tells him, "and you're wearing a jacket that's more expensive than one of my textbooks for school."

"It's a book, how expensive can it be?" Robin scrunches his nose up, not understanding the argument she's making. They go to the same school anyway (not that Artemis knows that). It's a textbook. It can't be that expensive. He remembers buying plenty of books with his parents, and his mom always encouraged him to get several at a time. The fact that they were pre-owned and came from a bin had nothing to do with it, obviously. Books are practically free. Artemis is just being annoying.

Artemis just lets out a laugh, shaking her head at him.

"Robbie, dude, my best friend," Wally laughs, sitting down on the couch next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Who buys your clothes?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin whines. When Wally pokes at him and insists he just answer the question, Robin pouts. "Agent A buys them."

"Who goes grocery shopping?"

"Agent A."

"Who pays your school fees?"

"B."

"Who pays for your phone?"

"B."

"Do you actually know how much anything costs?"

Dick blinks behind the dark sunglasses he's wearing, tilting his head at Wally. He looks around and sees how the whole team is staring at him, amusement clear on all their faces, and he frowns at all of them.

"I'm thirteen!" he whines. "I'm not supposed to pay for my own shit! You're all so mean to me!"

He pushes Wally off of him and stomps out of the room, ignoring the way they start laughing and how he hears Artemis mention something about him being spoiled. He's not spoiled. There's no way.

He ends up going back to the batcave, and he finds Bruce sitting at the batcomputer, trying to figure out the link between a recent case and an old one they'd solved months ago. Dick drags his feet the entire way over to him, groaning and whining as he drapes across Bruce's lap dramatically. Bruce just chuckles, patting Dick's back, but letting him have his dramatic moment without interruption. When Dick turns to look at Bruce with a pout on his face, Bruce just raises an eyebrow at him.

"Am I spoiled?"

Bruce chuckles again, a little smile on his face. He pinches one of Dick's cheeks and laughs when Dick whines and swats his hand away.

"Maybe a little bit," Bruce admits. "But it's fine."

"Wally says I have no idea how normal people live."

"That might be true," Bruce says with a shrug, going back to patting Dick's back. "You went from one extreme to the other. But I don't think it's anything to be concerned about."

"The team was being mean to me for it!"

"Meh," Bruce hums, not looking bothered, "fuck 'em then."

Dick snorts, and Bruce looks down to smile at him, then they both look around to make sure Alfred wasn't around to hear Bruce swear. Alfred should still be upstairs preparing dinner. They're in the clear.

"Wally's phone is old and sucks," Dick mutters to Bruce.

"I'll give one to Barry to give him," Bruce says easily.

They're both quiet for a moment, Dick still draped over Bruce's lap, Bruce still looking through old case files. Finally, Dick looks up at Bruce and asks, "B, how much does a banana cost?"

"I dunno," Bruce shrugs. "Ten bucks?"

Dick nods his head. Good, good. They're in agreement. It must be right.

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AU where Dick gets de-aged and thinks that Jason is Bruce because they look really similar, and Jason is the around the age Bruce was when Dick was that age. When everyone tries explaining the situation to Dick he doesn’t really get it because he was de-aged to a time when his English isn’t great and he doesn’t understand as much about time/dimension travel and all that. Like Dick is smart enough to grasp that there’s something different about the situation and he can tell the small differences between his Bruce and Jason but he still doesn’t really get it and just decides that Jason is the next best thing until he gets his Bruce back. And every time the real Bruce says that he’s Bruce, Dick just shakes his head and goes “My Bruce isn’t old.” or “My Bruce doesn’t have gray hair.” or something like that. Eventually everyone just gives up trying to explain it all and lets him think whatever he wants.

They decide to let Jason handle him, mostly because Dick hisses anytime anyone else comes near. Jason, who remembers Bruce constantly singing Dick’s praises, and who has heard everyone speak about Dick as though he’s an angel, thinks this is going to be a walk in the park. It is not. Jason looks away for one moment and Dick’s climbing the walls (literally - not metaphorically). He goes to the bathroom and somehow Dick managed to climb out the window and is halfway downtown. He tries to sleep and Dick is in his room like a creepy ass ninja - staring down at him, waiting for something (Dick had a nightmare). He breathes and suddenly Dick is ranting about killing his parents’ murderer. He tries to help Dick with his English and the kid starts making up words. He decides that they should patrol so that Dick can let some of his energy out, and suddenly there’s a maniacal cackle and he’s surrounded by goons that were taken down in the most brutal sense (are those bite marks???)

Jason finally decides to push his pride aside and talk to Alfred and Bruce about, only for them to act like this is completely fucking normal??? Alfred even laughs at him and tells him that he’s lucky he doesn’t own a chandelier and only lives in a studio apartment. So, Jason tries to get help from some of Dick’s other friends, who do stop by and visit, but do NOT help and just say “good luck with that”??? Even the older members of the Justice League are no help. The only person who even offers to help Jason is DEATHSTROKE of all people, and Jason is almost desperate enough to consider it. It all ends when Jason finds a solution to the whole de-aging thing because he’s so tired of trying to take care of child Dick. Except Jason’s suffering doesn’t end because whenever he tries to talk about what kid Dick put him through, Dick tries to GASLIGHT HIM??? If Jason hears the words “It wasn’t that bad” one more time, he’s going to de-age that little shit again and drop him off on everyone else’s doorstep and see how much they like it.

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Tim deciding to put a piece of paper with the Robin logo on it over the Batman symbol on the chair is already amazing (did he draw that? print it out?) but I like how Dick also specifically chose to sit in it while visiting during the parent teacher conference even though he didn't have to. "oh cool Tim made a Robin chair I gotta use it"

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My lil german pookie 🫶🏽

Thought it be fitting to post him after his sister

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Me but with Jason Peter Todd

Nightwing Dick and Robin Dick are two different people to me, I'll call Dick as Robin my son and hold him lovingly 'cause that's my anak. Nightwing Dick can beat me up and I'd thank him,that is NOT my son,I want to marry that man. I will still hold him lovingly tho because he deserves it

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WHERE IS MY ACE THE THERAPY BATDOG FANFIC?!? WHERE IS MY BATFAM MEMBER'S POST-TRAUMATIC BREAKDOWN SNUGGLING INTO ACE'S FLUFFY KING SHEPHERD COAT AS ACE KEEPS THEM COMPANY SESH??

This is a gap in the market, an injustice to the snuggle, cuddle committee (me.)

If anyone has ace the bat hound fics, I need them. He's so cute. If not, I'm going to become like frozone coming out retirement and getting my ao3-author supersuit out from my rotating wardrobe.

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Damian never getting sick because of good genes but when he actually does its the worst fever ever and he's completely delirious.

He's hallucinating and sweating and falling asleep constantly with a temp of 104. Batfam is terrified but Jason's just like "Ah, that's the low end, it was worse when he ate toothpaste for two weeks straight" (with no explanation)

He's fine by the next week, almost full strength and a little dehydrated but perfectly fine. Batfam is still terrified because they thought he was drugged or poisoned. Even Talia confirms that it's not that bad for him.

you know what though this aspect of Jason and Damian’s league familiarity is so fucking good. just Damian constantly freaking the bats out left right and centre with his weird ass concerning way of life and Jason is the only one present who is just like ‘yeahhhh nah he’s fine he’s just a little autistic. he was like this when we met, call Talia if you don’t believe me’

Bruce: somethings wrong with Damian i think he has rabies.

Dick: what do you- oh my god is he eating a sponge DAMIAN NO

Bruce: see?!?!?!?

Jason: no its fine he just does that when he’s stressed. likes the texture.

Everyone: …

Jason: call his mom if you don’t believe me. she used to have edible ones created specifically for him.

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I know the popular take is that Jason responds to familial affection by going ew fuck you gtf off me or whatever but to be honest I think if someone actually tried it he's ending up weeping wailing face red sniffling coughing collapsing to his knees in the rain type of reaction just completely sopping pathetic. his eyes are so swollen he can't see shit and falls off a cliff

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Dick Grayson: "Relax, I've got sixty hours in the simulator!" SMASH CUT TO: DICK HAVING PLAYED 60 HOURS OF A RACING GAME IN THE CIRCUS I cannot express how hard I lost my shit at this, because they are currently in the middle of trying to outrun an actual firestorm being rained down on them by Firefly, Dick just broke his promise to save himself if things went down, he dragged his 280lb mentor into the Batmobile and probably barely reaches the pedals because he's still like eleven years old and Batman is FULL FORCE YELLING AT HIM for disobeying direct orders and this CHAOS GREMLIN CHILD HAS THE ABSOLUTE NERVES OF STEEL TO SAY RIGHT TO BATMAN'S FACE "Relax, I've got sixty hours in the simulator!" when he knows Batman knows Batman doesn't have a simulator and HE MEANT THAT HE'D PLAYED A BUNCH OF RACING GAMES. Let's be real, Bruce didn't put that kid on a dangerous path, Bruce put a fucking leash on that kid so he was maybe 5% less dangerous and likely to get himself killed and HE WORKED A MIRACLE TO GET THIS FAR.

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i dont get offended at white people jokes even though im white because: 

i can recognize white people as a whole have systemically oppressed POC in america, which is where i live 

most people when they make white people jokes only mean the shitty white people and i am not a shitty white person 

im not a pissbaby

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You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

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BREAKING NEWS: EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED FATHER TRIES TO SHOW AFFECTION

Tiny Tim needs some validation and love.

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Our poor boy, Jason

for some reason middle aged comic fans coming on the internet to defend their decision as to why they thought a twelve year old should have died or lived is so funny 😭😭😭

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actually the new superbat “this isn’t you 🥺” trope for when Clark goes evil should be Bruce putting his hand over Clark’s sparking/glowing eyes that are about to fire and closing them, entirely trusting that Clark won’t melt his hand off. and then Clark leans into the touch and lets the anger/magic/etc go as the heat sinks back into the capillaries around his eyes and dissipates.

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hey nightwing. where the hell did that come from.

bring back the nightwing that would randomly say unsettling things to people to get them to shut the fuck up

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I got 15/17

I'm proud of myself

big fan of whenever robin does this

batman and robin: year one (2024) #3, tales of the teen titans (1984) #79, world's finest (2012) #7

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i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing cats” or something because you get super cute pictures like

AND THEN THERE’S THIS ONE