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Dear mom part 3

I may hate you for all the things you have done to me. But I still forgive you because in the end, you made me stronger. Despite of your desire to destroy me, I learned that I don't need to be perfect nor to be loved by someone to be happy. I just need to love myself. I'm taking over my life now. You are no longer the master of my life. It's over. I'm sorry, not sorry, but I'm letting you go. I must move on, there is no place in my head for you anymore. So, this is goodbye mom. Goodbye to all the hate that you gave me. Goodbye to all those negative feelings you made me believe. I'm done being your puppet.

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Hero or Villan?

"You saved your mother's life today. She couldn't have survived this without your help. You are going to be a good doctor one day!"

"It's all your fault you little brat. I hate you. You should have let me die now I will make you suffer for this."

- There are always two sides of a story. For some I was a hero as I was the one who found my mother's body in the bathroom covered in blood. For my mother, I was the villan.

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Dear mom part 2

I know all you ever wanted was to be understood, for someone to feel the way you do. Now, suffering from the same mental ilness that you so proudly handed over to me, you may think that I understand you. Now, I feel the way you do but I still don't understand you. I fell the sadness, the hate, the confusion, the desire to kill myself. But still I don't understand your weakness.

It hurts, it hurts so damn much. I believe you now. Oh and every minute I spend on my own, I just want to kill myself. And every mistake I make, voices in my head convince me to hurt myself. But I still don't understand your weakness.

Even if I'm surrounded by those negative thoughts, there is one thing keeping me alive. The bare thought of having my own kids, of having my own family makes me strong enough to fights against them. To win the battle that most of you may think is a losing one. And this is the reason I don't understand your weakness.

My motivation is just a fantasy, it's just an image of my desired future. You had it. You had your lovely daughters caring for you and still decided to try to take your own life when I was just 6 years old. Did you once thoughts of me when doing it? Would you have done it, if for one second you knew that I was the one who would find you bloody on the floor? How could you have done it? I was supposed to be your motivation to keep living. But instead you punished me for saving your life by promising me internal hate from you.

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It hits even harder once you realize that the only way out is the one think keeping you in

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Depression is like a vicious cycle

Waking up is a normal and esay, everyone does it right? However, what about actually leaving the bed and starting your day? There are some who simply can't find any motivation nor reason to stand up and just want to stay in their bed. This is called depression. And even if many of you think that depression is a choice let me tell you it's not. There are some who call it being lazy because we choose to stay in bed all day instead of doing something with our lives. But that's so far from being true. Me, before I suffered from depression, was actually a very active person. I tried to keep active all day long just to prevent me thinking too much. But once I let my thoughts in, once I decided to just lay in bed a couple of minutes longer, it was over. Day after day I found myself doing less and less. which led that my depression got worse and worse every day as I was unhappy with myself for doing nothing at all.

I always say that depression is like a vicious cycle: once you are in, you get sucked in even deeper and it's god damn hard to find your way out.

It's hard but remember not impossible. Today I stand here, still suffering from those days where I just want to lay in bed and do nothing but I always force myself to stand up at exactly 6.25 even on holiday. I'm afraid to fall back into the vicious cylce if I even once allow me to sleep in, to just relax.

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Dear mom

You claim to others that I'm a pretty girl, that I'm your sunshine shining throught the clouds, I'm your star lighting up the night. But if this is ture, why did you say all those hurtful and mean things to me? Why did you force me to listen to your internalized hate as soon as we were behind closed doors? How could you have treated me like that?

I either eat too much or not enough. I'm too thin or too thick, too fat or too skinny. But mom, why can't you hear me? Why am I not perfect enough just the way I am? These thick thighs, these killer hips, that fat ass, those amazing boobs, you are the one that blessed these gifts upon me. So why do you keep judging them? Why do you keep trying to change everything about me?

For years and years, I agreed with your hatefull words. But I cannot let you do that to me anymore because woman need to accept their body and stop listenting to judgemental words. Society makes you feel shameful for the skin you are living in. And thanks to you, I hear those voices telling me that I'm not perfect and that nobody will ever love me like this. This needs to stop! I just want you to see me as a human being, and not as a souless robot trying to achieve perfection. I want you to see for who I am and not judge me based on how I look.

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Do you know the feeling...?

Do you know the feeling when you are too afraid to eat infront of others because you feel so fat and every bite you take you feel their judgment? Don't you ever ask yourself the question what others might think when they see you enjoy a meal even though you know that you haven't eaten for days? *Ew that fat cow, she's so fat but still keeps eating* *Does she really want a dessert now* *Disgusting. Look at her eating like a pig*

Don't you ever feel silly doing sports knowing that others are making fun of you?

*There is no point on running honey.* *Look at that pig running on the treadmill with her fat hanging around her*

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Open your eyes

If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you are send to the hospital. People worry about you because you look like a walking skeleton.

If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story. People are proud of you and keep asking how you managed to loose so much in such a short time. Girls who once ignored you, start talking to you because they want to get the secret ingredient. Your family are proud and think you are finally happy and living an healthy live.

This is not pro-ED. This is meant to show those who walk around with their eyes closed that you don't have to be paper thin in order to suffer from an eating disorder.

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Worst of all: Only after 3 years, I realized that I'm still suffering from my ED and wasn't at all recovered...

"fuck my eating disorder" i say, as i binge on everything in the kitchen as if that isn’t. a part of. my disorder

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They all knew

Imagine you have your own little secret. The kind of secret you don't want anyone to find out because you know you will face consequences when the truth comes out.

Now imagine finding out years later that they knew. They knew your dirty little secret but decided to just ignore it. They thought it was more clever to just let me be and figure it out by myself. Imagine that them knowing the secret and not acting actually made it worse.

My secret was : Bulimia. I was convinced that nobody knew about me throwing up. Little did I know that they were all talking about it behind my back. But as I said they were only talking about it but nobody thought it would be helpfull to actually do something about it. I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with the darkness inside of me without anyone reaching me their hand.

As I confronted them about why they haven't reacted they simply said: "you said that you were ill"; "We wanted to give you your space" ; and the best one so far (from my dad): absolutely silence, he just stopped talking with me everytime I brought it up, left the room hoping that I will just drop it.

You may say that this is clearly denial from my dad but he allowed her daughter to suffer knowing that what she did was not right and still choose to just ignore it.

Could you imagine hearing your little sister / your daughter throwing up every day? Would you ignore it? Or would you try finding out what's wrong? Would you try to help her?

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this hits hard... I can switch from 100% happy to like killing my self in just a second

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I don't know

Stranger: “Why are you sad?” Me: “I don’t know” “But you are crying, you must know why?” “I simply don’t know” “How?” “...” “...” “I feel empty” “Okay but why?” “I don’t know”

Why do we need to explain our sadness? Can’t we just be sad? Why does everyone needs an explanation for every tear that we cry?

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Goodbye Ana; Hello Mia *Trigger Warning*

Age 16: I was finally thin, the thin that would normally make people worry. But not for me. Yet again, my mother was not happy with my look. She kept saying me that I was too thin. That I was ugly. So, she forced me to eat. She puts a huge plate of food infront of me and forced me to eat it infront of her. I wasn't allowed to leave the room until the plate was empty. It was disgusting. Tears fell down my cheeks as she forced one bite after the other in my mouth. After finishing the plate I was finally allowed to go back to my room. And there she was. Mia. Mia was close friend with Ana. They both were obsessed with being thin. But Mia was a food lover. "Let me show you how you can get rid of it" she whispered in my ear.

For weeks my mother kept forcing me to eat until Mia took control over my action and forced me to binge eat. I couldn't stop anymore. One moment I was led by Ana and was strong enough not to eat anything, the next Mia convinced me to eat everything in the fridge. It was delicious. So delicious that Mia convinced me to taste the food for a second time just backwards. Eating - purging - Eating - purging.

It became normal. People were astonished how I could eat that much and still look that thin. But nobody really asked. Nobody really thought twice about it.

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Just a lie?

Me recovering from anorexia and start eating again like a normal human being: *That's good right? I'm healthy now?*

Silly me enjoying eating food again so much that I start binge-eating: *Well still i've got rid of Ana so i'm better now*

Feeling bad about binge-eating and followed adviced of Mia: *Okay that's not looking good but... I've got it under control. I can stop whenever. And i'm not skinny so everthing is fine*

Me realizing after years that even though I'm not skinny, I havn't got rid of my eating disorder: *Okay I'll stop now. I promise*

Me struggling to stop entirely but then googling side effects of Bulimia: *:O...*

Me thinking that I finally overcame my eating disorder just to find out 3 years later that I still binge-eat just to prevent from falling back into my ED:

*Shit. I was so proud just to realize that it was all a lie*

Pro tip: start listening to your stomach when it's hungry. Stop believing anything your brain says to you; it's all just a lie.