sapphistications

[sapphistications]

Currently getting my socks clean blown off by Rethinking Narcissism, by Dr. Craig Malkin. Which I found, in a roundabout way, from this video on Midsommar, grief, and narcissism.

Tonight I woke up from a nap and accidentally took my morning meds, so I'm going to be up for a few hours because of the meth. In place of sleep, I'll try to roughly sum up some basic ideas proposed by the research the book is based on:

That traits of "narcissism" like entitlement, grandiosity, and feeling special are not inherently toxic. There are times and places they are appropriate and beneficial. If you show up at a hospital with a gunshot wound to the chest, you should not sit and wait to be seen after people with earaches and coughs. (Actually, medical systems are designed to prioritize people with more urgent needs, and you qualify under that system. You are special and are deserving of different treatment than those others, which is why making your needs known, even insisting on it if you're not listened to appropriately the first time, is an extremely good idea. It keeps you from bleeding to death on the floor, and keeps the hospital from getting its pants sued off by your heirs.)

It is more useful to view "narcissism" not as an inherent immutable personality trait, but as a cluster of coping mechanisms. As previously stated, there are times they are exactly the right coping mechanism for the job. However, people we call "narcissists" tend to cling to these ones even when they become detrimental to themselves and others, often because they lack other ways of regulating their emotions and getting their needs met. And that is something they can change, if a person is willing to put in sincere and difficult work. It is not usually fast change; it's a matter of years, not weeks. But a skillbuilding approach turned Borderline Personality Disorder from an immutable curse to a fully treatable (though not quickly treatable) condition, and there's a lot of hope that it can do the same for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Meanwhile, there's an opposite end to the narcissism spectrum, and it is also pathological and destructive to hang out there all the time. It's an aversion, or even a resistance, to expecting yourself or other people to treat your own feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs, or preferences as important. For Greek mythology reasons, its proposed name is Echoism.

Unfortunately, because most of the damage echoism does is, by its very nature, localized to its sufferer and their own personal relationships, its downsides aren't often talked about. In fact, it's often seen as an ideal moral state, a kind of altruism or saintliness everyone should strive for. As a pathological coping mechanism a person is trapped in, though, it's often more a fear-based reflex than a conscious and deliberate attempt to achieve some real and specific good. It's not actually as beneficial as being able to recognize your needs, desires, positive aspects, and areas of competence or excellence, and bring them forward in your relationships with other people and yourself.

To me this has all been a cross between a gut-punch and a cool, sweet drink of water. There have been other ways to describe echoism over the years, but this feels like the most concise and useful one I've seen in ages.

It specifically puts its pin down in the middle of the moral debate a lot of people struggle with—"What right do I have to put myself forward? What hope do I have of being seen and accepted? Isn't it better not to burden anybody else?"—and says that the problem is not feeling in touch with either side of the equation, but specifically, the inability to move from one part of the spectrum to another when it's merited by circumstances.

When I was a child, I thought Echoism was the answer. It was my ideal. I thought it was what would get me the love and acceptance I wanted, and would keep me safe from the pain of rejection or not being understood. I had no idea it would actually, in fact, be the primary cause of alienation and loneliness for the rest of my life.

Now I'm so deeply thankful I couldn't fully achieve it, in practical terms. As hard as I tried to erase myself, there were always things I loved too much to suppress. I still found ways to express and discover myself in the books I read, the stories I wrote, the intellectual work of school and the experience of pursuing hobbies I loved, my ambitions to be helpful even when they demanded I stop being selfless, and the relationships where I felt safe enough to experience love and acceptance even if I didn't think I deserved them.

There's this question I found a while back that echoed in my bones: Who am I allowed to be around you? Because that's what I felt like, as a child. If I wanted to engage with other people and minimize my risk of harm, it was my job to bend into a pretzel and fit the shape they wanted. And thank god, thank god, thank god, I couldn't fully do it. Despite everything, there were parts of me too strong and bright to lop off completely to get my arms and legs inside the carriage. I was able to take care of myself and let them grow in secret until I found social places I could let them out again. Despite myself, I found ways to grow and thrive, well beyond the trauma that said I shouldn't have.

[sapphistications]

“Living may have learned can be both sloppy and precise And so you chose your careful witness to your silly little life You begin to trace each others journeys You begin to chart each others pace You start to notice all the sweetness in the details of their ways Because loving they are learning speaks a language of solace It speaks volumes about tomorrow when you’re fluent in forgiveness And sometimes, only sometimes, they begin to wonder what their 10 year old selves might have said to one another Maybe something like I’m sorry I won’t be with you through this sadness Like if I could be your axis, I would spin you past the madness Like i wish i had the wing span to just soar you to what’s after Like i wish i could just swoop you up and wrap you in my laughter Like i wish i could return you to this earth with just my palm Like my palm could be your satellite, your job to just hold on But your survival will be grace making Yes, your arrival will be breath taking And I will be here when you beat fear, When you reach here, When you find me. Because sometimes theres a you on a skateboard Sometimes there’s a me on a sloped curve Sometimes familiar becomes magic Sometimes magic needs distance Sometimes space is what shapes it, And the shape is not instant Sometimes the horizon’s surprising And the view is worth risking And the risk is a long wait but this girl is persistent Sometimes the future just means that each day is worth finding And this day is a presence And this moment is shining Sometimes her prayers are just soothing Sometimes her face is just lovely Years Years spent searching Sometimes people get lucky”

— Alix Olson, “Finally, Love Poem” (via lostcausess)

[sapphistications]

[sapphistications]

Coping Mechanisms Masterlist

Thoughts to break the cycle

this is temporary if I believe it is

I AM NOT my perception, or my thoughts

I am the observer of the thoughts

my mind is protecting me and is stressed from not knowing how to fix it. Thank you for protecting me but it will be okay

the negative thoughts are just a symptom of depression, dissociation/dpdr, c-ptsd, or anxiety or all of the above

thoughts are just like another one of the 5 senses. Like how you can perceive textures, smells, tastes, sounds. Your thoughts allow you to perceive an experience. But you are not your nose. You are not your mouth. You are not your ears. You are not your hand it’s just a hand that’s connected to your body. And so You are not your thoughts. You’re the one experiencing these sensations you are not the sensations.

Even if you genetically are predisposed or your genetics or brain chemistry has caused the issue. Especially in this case your thoughts do not define who you are they are just a reaction your brain is creating to protect you from something it thinks is a threat.

self hate and depression is a coping mechanism: your body wants you to be better, to be perfect to avoid something negative that hurts and self hate is the way it decided to go but it doesn’t have to be that way. Tell your mind “thank you” and “I love you but it’s okay.” “We are safe” and “I am enough.”

I try to remember my goals: how I want to be happy, the things I want to add to my life that will make me feel calmer and happier. (If you don’t have any goals or ideas think of anything you want in this world to achieve, or learn, or earn and write it down and imagine how it would feel if you had it right now. It helps push you to realize you can shape your life how you want)

that someone in this world loves you. If you can’t name anyone. Your own body loves you. It keeps you alive and gives you the ability to experience things like eating yummy food, being able to pet an animal and feel how soft their fur is, being able to look up at the sky and see stars or clouds. Simple every day things that we take for granted because we get so stressed out from life and drama. Sometimes we forget we could lose our eyesight and we wouldn’t be able to see things or people that we love. We could get injured and never be able to walk, run or jump again. We could lose our ability to breathe and be hooked up to a ventilator. I like to write down anything I can think of to be grateful for everyday in my journal and it makes me feel less depressed, less anxious,and excited to be able to just .. be alive especially when I want to not be alive anymore

I remind myself that when I was a baby I didn’t have any thoughts I didn’t know shit. The way I grew up and had to experience life made it so I perceive life the way I do. I like to imagine if I was a blank slate what are the different ways I could look at my life? What are the ways I can decide to look at situations or myself? People don’t just wake up and love themselves they were taught to feel loved. Just like how we don’t wake up with these negative self hateful thoughts. We got them from somewhere. We can choose if we want to still believe our perceptions or not. But learning to be happy and to love ourself is like a skill. Just like how learning to hate ourselves took time and repeated experiences.

Self care / Self love activities

imagining an older version of myself comforting present me. And imagining myself currently to comfort past me during traumatic moments

bubble baths

napping with soothing audios, or sleep meditations

walking outside

calling a friend

visiting a family member or friend

Write yourself a note when you’re happy to yourself and read it when you’re upset

Make a voice memo give future you a pep talk, positive affirmations, or even guided meditations and listen to it when you’re upset

lighting a candle and writing down an intention and meditating or you can pray if you believe in a god or have a religion. Or if you just believe in the universe and law of attraction

journaling

cleaning or tidying up a little

eating a yummy but healthy snack

cooking or baking

(if I’m severely not okay) holding an ice cube, running my hands in cold water and splashing the water in my face, taking a cold shower, taking a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it back

reading a book

watching my favorite tv show or movie

watching a comedy

playing music and forcing myself to dance (when I’m alone of course 😅)

yoga

exercising

watching cute animal videos on YouTube

Singing in the shower

Adult coloring books

some type of video about philosophy that reminds me that I’m not alone and we are all lost

some type of video that reminds me how beautiful life can be

some type of video that reminds me that I’m not in control of my circumstance, my genetics, or the world but I’m in control of how I react that I’m the one that gives power to my thoughts

Breaking thought patterns, bad habits and doing self care every day helps immensely. Over time it gets easier and easier to feel okay and to even feel happy. But never stop doing these things for the rest of your life. You either feed the negative thoughts or you feed the positive. You either feed the negative habits or you feed the bad. You get to choose. Seek help, and be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t linear.

[sapphistications]

obsessed with this

Medusa and her gargoyle gf

[sapphistications]

This is so hauntingly beautiful <3

what if gargoyle gf is immune to curses

[sapphistications]

“Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling, and Domine non sum dignus should be on the lips and in the hearts of those who receive it.” ― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

[sapphistications]

I don't understand the people who are jealous of /mad at their partner's exes. Is it weird to love your girlfriend's exes?

Like, even though you didn’t work out, thank you for loving her when I wasn’t around, thank you for holding her when I couldn’t, thank you for making her a little bit more of the person I’ve met, thank you for not working out so she could find me exactly when and where she found me. Thank you for getting it wrong, so we could finally get it right.

[sapphistications]

and though your eyes are the color of loneliness, and I know they hold a darkness that the stars can’t reach, I’ll hold your hands when they’re empty. when everything went wrong how were you so right for me? I can't change what others did to you, but I can love the scars they left on your heart. maybe just for tonight we could believe that our best days are yet to come.

I’ll hold you like it’s the end, and love you like it’s the beginning.

[sapphistications]

Writing the revolution -personal art project

[sapphistications]

[sapphistications]

When you find your feelings written out in verse 😭

There is something soft and sacred

About waking up next to someone,

Getting to see them

Before they piece themselves together

for the rest of the world.

For once I wish I could

wake up next to you.

For once I wish I could open my eyes

To your sleeping face,

Watch the sunlight from the window

cascade over your bare skin.

I would reach out and feel your heart

Beating under my fingertips -

You would be there, you would be real -

I would smile to myself

Thinking how my dream never ended,

only transcended into reality,

and kiss you awake.

You would mumble something sweet

and pull me back into your chest.

For once, for once,

Everything would be okay.

But I dance with you in my dreams

and wake up alone, every morning.

The space next to me in bed

Screams your absence

Even though you have never really been there.

[sapphistications]

[sapphistications]

You deserve someone who texts you boring little details of their day just so they have a reason to talk to you.

[sapphistications]

There are....other reasons people do it?

i’m about to start writing fanfics as a way of coping

[sapphistications]

you ever just sit and realise u can’t remember 80% of your childhood? like … what happened? who am i ..?

[sapphistications]

Three appliances and I don't need anything else: 1. Magic bullet, 2. Air fryer, 3. Instant pot.

We need to embrace the fact that the tumblr userbase is aging. What’s everybody’s favorite kitchen appliance?