seeruthievonrun

[seeruthievonrun]

a zine I made recently

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I just think that now more than ever is the time to stop waiting for someone else to tell it how it is, and start telling it ourselves. 

It’s time to create art that doesn’t require institutional permission—art that isn’t shaped by the hands of those who profit from our ignorance and stagnation. Because these "daring" corporate narratives are anything but; they’re rehearsals of discomfort that ultimately challenge us to do nothing at all.

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I wish it was me

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I made a wish on an eyelash...

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Unconfined: digital collage (2024)

“My entire life I’ve been told that I would be more beautiful if  I was just a little bit better at being contained, we’re taught in this culture that captivity is love, that the only way that we can belong is by belonging to other people’s idea of who we should be, so we “should” all over ourselves. We spend everyday perfecting that ritual of disappearance as a way to make other people more comfortable but what happens when we focus our entire life on being digestible is that we forget to ask, what part of us is left for us when we’re finished being consumed?”

-Alok Vaid-Menon

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Consent is a Continuous Practice digital collage (2024)

Often we believe that consent is for situations with strangers, that the more trust we have with each other the less we need to ask for that consent. In close and caring relationships we can mistakenly believe that consent becomes less important or even unnecessary. But this belief leads to misunderstandings, discomfort, and breaches of trust, which erode the very connections we value. Consent is a continuous process, not a one-time agreement; it evolves as our relationships grow and as we change. As human beings, we are inherently dynamic, and so too are our boundaries and comfort levels regarding various forms of interaction. Our experiences, emotions, and contexts can shift over time, influencing how we engage with others and what we deem acceptable or comfortable. This fluidity underscores the importance of the practice of consent as a fundamental aspect of communication. By prioritizing consent, we create spaces where we feel empowered to express our needs and boundaries openly, growing a culture of respect and mutual understanding. Regularly checking in and seeking affirmation not only acknowledges the evolving nature of relationships but also enhances trust and emotional safety. It promotes healthier communication and collective well-being, allowing ourselves to navigate our interactions in ways that honor our unique experiences and identities.

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They're Always Trying to Tell Us What The Space Between Us Is Supposed to Look Like. We Don't Listen. analog & digital collage (2024)

For a long time I didn't realize that the way we did marriage was strange, odd, or "wrong". We didn't slide into the roles of "husband" or "wife". We stayed Kam and ruth.

For the first seven years of our marriage we didn't really have married friends, so we never saw the dynamic up close. The one married couple we had as friends also had a small child, we didn't at the time so I chalked up the differences in dynamic to that difference.

But then we had a child and we still don't look like other marriages.

My mother hated Kameron for a long time. Before we got married she made sure that she reminded me at any opportunity she had that Kameron would never be "the husband"-- he would never be the provider, the protector, the man, the one who made the decisions with confidence.

What she didn't know is that I didn't want a "husband", I just wanted Kam. I didn't want someone who was going to use their gender against me, someone who would use their positionally in society to keep a thumb atop my head for the rest of my life.

My mother told me to be prepared for a life of "wearing the pants" in the relationship, a life of dragging Kameron around behind me.

But our dynamic has always been fluid, we've always worked to keep a balance. We've always worked at making room for each other in the ways we needed and wanted.

I didn't realize this was strange until I made friends who were married and had children and we also had a child. From the division of parenting labor, to division of home maintenance and chores the difference was striking.

I had no idea what other people's marriages looked like. And when I learned, I thought "why does anyone get married?"

All this to say that I am grateful for my partner, because that's what Kameron is, a partner.

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Sainthood (I don’t believe in that kind of holiness anymore): digital collage (2024)

For the majority of my life I thought my pain, my anguish was my clearest, most genuine conduit to god. The sadder I felt the more I pulled away from everyone around me and clung to prayer. I believed that this pain was evidence that god loved me. I thought it was proof that I needed to change and that the path to god I was pursuing was the only thing that could help me. It’s really hard to read a lot of the thoughts I had before, often blaming and despising myself for the sake of holiness. I don’t believe in that kind of holiness anymore; the kind that requires me to abandon myself to become someone else. I’m in the midst of trying to abandon everything that wants to keep me tied tightly in a neat little box. And it’s here that I learn the most about liberation.

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"We out here humanizing robots and dehumanizing trans people"

Seen in Edmonton, Alberta

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dont think about how agatha all along could be considered as a queer allegory. dont think about how agathas mom telling her shes born evil is the exact same thing so many parents have told their children after they came out. dont think about how lilia hating the witch stereotypes is the same way queer people who dont fit typical lgbtq stereotypes feel. dont think about how when lilia said i loved being a witch after so much time spent hating it is how queer people feel when they can finally appreciate and accept and love who they are.

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taking a stab in the dark

so for over a year and a half I've been working on this project that I'm (very creatively) calling Gender Thoughts. I've been uploading it for free to patreon for a year now and have had almost no engagement, and I don't mean that in the context of being internet viral or anything. I don't care about that. What I really wanted was for people to engage with me, like actually engage. Like tell me their gender thoughts, I wanted to start a conversation. But it hasn't happened yet. Tumblr is a cool place where I've had some interesting dialogue with people over the years so I've decided to upload it here too.

If this is something that feels like it might be something interesting to you, or if you, like me, simply have a lot of thoughts about gender then come talk to me. Please?

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what i love about jac schaeffer's shows is sometimes you put together the clues like agnes being agatha harkness, teen being billy, rio being death, lilia's "alice don't" + "try to save agatha" being the same message, and then the reveal/execution is still so damn satisfying. i guess because it feels earned instead of a cheap GOTCHA? idk. i am pleased (and deeply sad) (she loved being a witch! and what a witch she was!)

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I don't think we've spoken about how particularly fitting this moment is. A huge part of Tao's storyline from season 1 through season 3 is dealing with his intense fear of losing the people he loves.

As Tao and Elle go through their journey being apart more than they ever have been before, Tao is able to gain some trust and confidence in his relationship with Elle, but also his relationships generally. In season 3 we see Tao's fear of losing his loved ones become much less pronounced and balanced by the growth of his communication skills.

But as Nick is dealing with the loss of Charlie in his everyday life, not knowing how Charlie's doing and being endlessly worried about him, Tao is particularly primed to understand what Nick is going through. He experienced it with the death of his father, and it's the thing that he's been terrified of ever since.

I almost see Tao looking conflicted here, maybe guilty? Like all this time he was afraid of losing his friends, the people he loves the most, and now it's happened in some sense with Charlie going to hospital, but now Tao has strengthened his communication skills and he has Elle to lean on he's feeling more secure, so perhaps this loss doesn't feel quite the way he thought it would.

It's clear that at some point or another everyone in the friends group is aware of how Nick is different without Charlie, but each of them has their own shit to deal with and especially because Nick doesn't reach out to any of them, it sort of becomes something that's going on in the background for all of them. Maybe here Tao is contemplating the bit of distance that still exists between himself and Nick, and really the distance between everyone and Nick.

Nick has been adopted into Charlie's friends group and they all love Nick, but it's as Nick says, he's not really able to communicate to anyone the way that he does to Charlie. They all care about Nick, and notice that he's not ok, but I wonder if they all feel at a loss as to how to help Nick because they haven't had that measure of closeness, maybe they even feel worried about overstepping and making Nick uncomfortable.

But for Tao it's this moment where he sees Nicks and knows what he needs. Tao is not the person within the friend group who is the first to nurture, he rarely knows what to do in these kinds of situations, and he often does the opposite of what would come naturally because he second guesses and doubts himself. But in this moment Nick is a mirror for Tao, he knows what he needs to do and he does it.

HEARTSTOPPER 3.04 Journey

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also this shit

HEARTSTOPPER 1.05 | 2.08 | 3.04

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this will never not destroy me

We keep escaping parties to hang out with each other. Heartstopper, S01E03 - S02E06 - S03E04

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Doodle Dump