shadesofpandemonium

[shadesofpandemonium]

“Sometimes you just need an adventure to cleanse the bitter taste of your life from your soul.”

Life is such an epic adventure. I think the biggest soul lesson I can take away from the past couple years is that anything that takes away from my souls essence does not belong in my life. That in solitude I am able to meet myself and if others do not enhance the peace and joy my solitude gives me, I would just assume remain in the quiet.

Naturally, I have such a zest for life, for authentic experiences, for adventure in every day life. An energy that loves to create change and make things beautiful for the world around me. I love to learn the how and the why… to improve systems and processes… to connect others and weave intricate details of the world around me together.

I watched the light die inside of me. I watched my vision waiver. And ultimately it was by my own hand- trying to fit in spaces I don’t belong, to be and do what others wanted of me and to seek validation by drinking from poisoned cups disguised as love. Punishing myself for not being enough or being too much to the point of depravity.

It was more than a little earth shattering to realize that I, who finds joy in watching the leaves blow in the wind and the moon grow full, lost my love for life and became subconsciously intent on destroying it and perhaps burning the world down around me in the process.

Yet in retrospect, I am not without gratitude for the experience because the depth of the work I have had to do to rekindle that flame was worth it. This fire cannot be put out. Shedding layers of useless skins long dead and emerging as something new… I am still learning this new version of me but I can absolutely say without question, that I love her.

Every day is an adventure again. Every moment, every quiet acheivement, every experience and interaction. The knowledge of the endless experiences that are well on their way make every pain, challenge and agony worthwhile. The human experience is most certainly the most challenging adventure but also the most epic yet.

I will always go where the wind blows and let myself be led by something much bigger than me. Never again will I deviate from that deep internal guidance and I say that with confidence. I will keep writing, creating, dreaming and dancing through life with a song on my lips and a smile on my face. Nobody can ever take that away from me again.

#gypsysoul #wanderer #adventure #wanderlust #memories #zestforlife #experiences #solitude #recoverytok #soberlife #noescape #adventurealone #purging #nomoretoxicity #writer #visionary #dreamer #creative #sight #perspective #healingjourney #sheddingseason #rebirth #reflection #creativeseasons #divineenergy #spirituality #qualityoflife #qualitynotquantity #soulgrowth #soultalk #unconditionallove #thejourney

[shadesofpandemonium]

I am more than shell

Despite the inner hell

In which I fought free

To become what you see

My body is not a trinket, a trophy, a treasure

Not to be used merely for pleasure

I devalued myself and gave it away

Sold it for validation in hopes one would stay

My heart should be sought

As hard as I fought

To heal past the pain

That left such a bloody stain

For its the true prize

In the right souls eyes

Pure in intent

A solid investment

[shadesofpandemonium]

And in the middle of the chaos…

There was you.

[shadesofpandemonium]

Something erotically destructive,

Sitting still amidst a tempest storm.

An exoneration of desecration,

Witnessing the universe purge itself.

Electric air to set my soul on fire,

Will you not come kiss me there?

[shadesofpandemonium]

I would like to thank the art for the survival of 2023!!! Ok, ok. And some like SUPER dope souls in my life for helping me find my way back to it even when it just meant sitting with me while i cried over a blank canvas. 🫶🏼🤍🩶🖤🫶🏼

[shadesofpandemonium]

I have never had to be this intentional with myself. This gentle, this loving, this careful. I was always pushing myself to the limits and quite honestly, i still do. Just safely and in healthier outlets with a different mindset. I never realized how deeply I drown when I am unable to create. How thoroughly it suffocates me until I don’t even know who I am. Take away my ability to create and you might as well finish me off because I am no longer myself.

In some ways it seems like yesterday, I was walking through this life-altering experience. In other ways, I am not even sure that was in this lifetime even though I know it was. So much happened, so drastically, in such a short time frame that life did not appeal any longer. I had succumbed to drowning myself in the pain and burning the world down around me. At that point, I was hooked on the pain and the demise it could offer me.

I am forever grateful for the souls that kept the life lines solid as I pulled myself out of that despair, known and unknown. For the ones that supported me in refinding the source to my creativity and painfully push past the blockages. For that close inner circle that are committed to showing me what love really looks like even before I could truly adapt to loving myself and in the moments I forget that’s a priority.

Last year was earth shaking in so many ways, most of which nobody will ever know. What I know is when I pause and look back… I am just so grateful to have found a grasp on the will to fight back to the core of who I am in such a way that nobody can take it from me. To FIND MYSELF & KNOW MYSELF & ACCEPT MYSELF, all of me… even the darker aspects. I will never hand my value, my happiness, my passion, my very essence into the hands of anyone again. I will never feel shame for who I am and quite frankly, I do not care what anyone thinks.

I may never get what my soul craves in this lifetime and I have made peace with that too. Sometimes the downfall of being a hyper-creative, hyper-spiritual soul is seeing what nobody else sees and therefore, solitude ends up being the result of this journey called life. High standards and no need for external validation means i truly don’t have a desire to settle for anything less than authentic connections based on the soul.

I may have days where I still need extra rest, extra stillness and extra support. That’s ok. As long as I never lose myself again, I will be perfectly content. Let the art flow as life flows, through the good and the bad. Cause at the end of the day it is in fact what it is. Doesnt mean thats what it will be. 🧘🏼‍♀️🫶🏼 🎨

#creative #authentic #deepconnections #soultalk #oldsoul #solitarylife #spirituality #energy #acceptance #flow #soulwork #thejourney

[shadesofpandemonium]

Standing on the precipice of what is and what was.

Stuck in the stasis of contemplation between illusory conceptions of what should be and what my minds eye sees.

Making the decision to never again be who I once was and next second free falling into everything that I am.

Chest tight, lungs burning with a scream that cannot release.

Then nothing but static.

As we are reborn with eye wide open, easily overwhelmed and sensitive as a newborn in a too bright world.

Www.shadesofpandemonium.com

[shadesofpandemonium]

If only you would stumble through my door the way you stumbled through my walls

Tumbling down my carefully guarded heart, without intention or expectation

Catalyzing me into an unknown awakening and then leaving my soul to wonder

What now?

[shadesofpandemonium]

A day in the life of an artist… 🫶🏼

#art #artist #acrylic #artlife #creator #painting #artwork #artistoftiktok #arttok #watercolor #fineart #artistsoftiktok #traditionalart #painter #surrealism #viralart #artfyp #paintingart #acrylicpainting #arttiktok #canvas #popart #streetart #candles #TrendTok #trendtokapp #spirituality #soulwork #artheals #arttherapy #thejourney

[shadesofpandemonium]

[shadesofpandemonium]

I find myself thankful for the days

When the skies are dark and gray

The rain falling steadily

The skies cry and I cry

And we sit in the sorrow

Wondering about tomorrow

For the grief is ever present

It never really fades

Just another piece of the puzzle

That expands across the years

Through every loss and every pain

Compiled into this patchwork stain

I find myself thankful for the way

The rest of my being shifts to accommodate

The imprints on my brain

And the heaviness in my soul

How many lifetimes have we loved and lost

How much higher goes the cost

To reach a place we can only dream

At what point do I just scream

My rage and pain and agony

Then soldier up and let it be

So yes, I find myself thankful for the days

When the skies are dark and gray

Where the rain can hide my tears

And the cold soothes the fire

That is my fears

A purging that makes the vision

Ever more so clear

[shadesofpandemonium]

Some days I still desire to light the fire and burn the world to ash.

Then I’m reminded why I’m here to witness all that’s passed.

So I sit and I settle in. I weave and I wait.

To watch the world shift into its irrevocable fate.

[shadesofpandemonium]

A true love story (a girl and the mirror):

I raged and I roared

Until the storm subsided

The outlet of creation

When my heart and mind are divided

I had to pour it out

In every possible way

Or I would have drowned entirely

Sinking day by day

Art is what heals me

Few will understand

The level of vulnerability

And exposure it demands

My process is complex

And it comes with a cost

Then I am left looking back

Wondering how much I really lost

Just to feel safe again

To separate the chaos in my mind

The journey back to myself

Not knowing what I’d find

When the world slows down

And the mind goes quiet

What I have found remaining

Whispers not to fight it

Years of battles

I embraced

Finally realizing

I was the one I faced

Setting down the sword

I picked up the brush, the paint and the pen

Began turning dreams into realities

And let the real story begin

[shadesofpandemonium]

Reflecting on 2023, I was filled with humility. That was the core essence of 2023. Humility and healing. I met my most broken version and out of that brokenness rose the most loved version of myself that I have met yet.

While I did achieve much more than I realized in the pain of the moments this year, I don’t want to focus on that. I want to focus on how I learned to sit in the emotions without trying to escape them even when my mind raged at me to do just that. How I learned to sit with my inner child and meet her where she was at. How I embraced nurturing her and equally feeling her pain and anger while also feeling my deep sorrow in not being able to save her from it. How I met my darkest shadows nose to nose and made peace with each part. How I embraced that internal light and let it shine anyways.

This is the year I dove in deeper than ever before, intentionally made myself vulnerable to others, made peace with myself and released the past. I created so much this last half of the year, some that will never be seen or heard. In 2023, I found my authentic voice. There was a couple months where it was ruthless and filled with pain. Then I found balance. I took self awareness to a new level, learned how to set and apply boundaries, how to walk away without ill feelings, the true definition of mutually beneficial and I learned how resilient and adaptable I truly am and turned so much chaos into beauty. This year by the grace of my Creator, I fought silent battles, achieved silent wins and leaned into the support of an amazing community that has truly taught me unconditional love.

There is still work to be done. This year, I have no doubt that I will reach some of those unrealistic dreams. I will continue to embrace my authentic self and remain humble in the process. I will water those deep connections and watch the seeds planted grow. I will remain attached to nothing other than my Creator and enjoy whatever and whomever is brought in and out of my life. I will stay dedicated to my recovery and healing. Make more memories with my children. Explore the world, adventure, face all challenges with a laugh and take in the beauty of creation.

I will create even more art this year as I express my story and my emotions the best way I know how. Most of all, I will embrace that deep inner peace EVEN on the days where emotion threatens to consume. This year I worked on my soul so that in 2024, I can get wild and focus on intentionality, trust and softening some of those diamond sharp edges I still have.

I am no longer purpose driven. I am soul driven.

#2024mindset #art #writerslife #creativeexpression #soulwork #gratitude #humility #thejourney

Www.shadesofpandemonium.com