shapemydestiny

[shapemydestiny]

2022 - 2023

Holy crap has It been a long time since i've journaled.... Looking back it's weird to think how much things have yet haven't changed since my last post.

Last time I posted, the pandemic was still pretty much a thing If I recall correctly. Honestly the last few years have kind of blurred together. I didn't end up seeing a new therapist. I might've had one session with her, but went back to my other one.

My First Job

In Spring of 2022, I landed my first software engineering job. It was at a healthcare SaaS startup and I was the second engineer to be hired. The other engineer was working part time, and went working full time the same day I started. I learned a good amount from this job, but overtime didn't like the structure and leadership of my boss. Yelling at you for being slow to help him on your day off when you're not even on call, getting mad for not violating a government's TOS for their API, and having no problem with questionably obtained software, not taking cybersecurity concerns seriously, etc. I was fired in February of 2024. That's a story for later.

Social Life

I believe in fall of 2021, I joined a discord server that I found on reddit. We all are part of a group of degenerates who's special interest is too taboo to disclose publicly... even in an anonymous journal. I've really made some good friends that I talk to every single day.

Honestly 2022 was pretty uneventful if I can recall back that far other than me getting my first job. I spent a lot of time with an online friend "X" helping with his emotional issues and he was very emotionally abusive, which got worse over time.

Things seemed to have gotten better towards the end of the year. I wanted to go to Disney World and I wanted to go before Splash Mountain closed in January 😭. He said he was going to pay for his ticket, but never paid me back. He threatened to leave me at Disney because he was always drunk when he said he wouldn't drink. Honestly the entire trip was a hot mess. I had fun on the rides, but really wish I went with someone else... I finally cut ties with X towards the end of 2023 or at the beginning of 2024.

Long Term COVID

After coming back, I got long term COVID, causing me to have horrible brain fog, fatigue, etc. It made it really hard to work and I nearly went on disability after talking with my therapist. However, my work was being aggressive with me going on disability, despite them paying into it. They would only pay for one month of COBRA and that would be it, and it sounded like they'd only let me take a month of disability. Well considering that they had "unlimited" PTO I just took more PTO time - I was trying to save them having to pay my salary during this time, their loss. To be honest it really never got better. I continued to have brain fog through the rest of the year and still do to a certain extent.

Mental and Physical Health

Honestly, my mental health and processing never truly got better after long term covid, it only got better than the beginning. I felt guilty spending so much of my time gaming with my online friend Eli, but I honestly didn't have the mental capacity to work at a higher amount than I was doing. Honestly, keeping a stable 40 hour job is something that gives me a LOT of anxiety. It's not that i'm choosing to be lazy or not want to work, it's that I don't have the focus or cognitive energy to give that time commitment. It makes me feel really shitty saying that. After all I am physically not disabled, and people have it way worse than I do. I don't want to be a burden but I feel like such a piece of shit for having the privileged life I do but still struggle. First world problems am I right?

As far as I've been told my diagnosis are BED, ADHD, bipolar type II, OCD, social anxiety, general anxiety. Turns out I also have high cholesterol, am pre-diabetic and have sleep apena. That's been fun 😡.

[shapemydestiny]

Time goes by fast...

Soooo.... I thought the last entry I made here was in February 2021.... Turns out it was February 2021. Which means I have yet to make a single post since the pandemic began. To be honest a lot of 2020 and 2021 blended together. I began my MS in computer information systems in January 2020, and Finished in August of 2021. The pandemic started around the same time frame, but has sadly continued.

Since the start of the pandemic, I have become friends with "Em" who is besties with "Wa". Grandma was stranded here from February until the beginning of June - travel preventions and mandatory quarantine being a large part of it. I recently found a new friend group based on unique similar interests. "Ka" finally got married to "El", and Aunt B came to visit.

Thank god Trump lost in 2020, nonetheless the traitors tried to overthrow the government in January. You'd think Trump would FINALLY be held accountable? Nope. Senate tried to make us think we're crazy. So far, Biden has been extremely underwhelming - letting terrible senators like Manchin do whatever he wants. The US thankfully left Afghanistan, but sadly yet unsurprisingly, the "government" fell almost immediately.

Other then continued chaos, nothing really sticks out for me in 2021 or 2020. Hopefully things return to normal... soon. a

EDIT:

Almost forgot to mention: Sister told me my nephew is autistic, she wondered if I am as well. Dr D retired, but also felt that i might be autistic. I dont care for my new psychiatrist - its hard to organize my thoughts and she views my life as a clusterfuck of contradictions. It's true, but I still need your help... I have an appointment with a new therapist in a few days, but am nervous about starting over with someone new. Therapy has helped get me through some though times, but hasnt done much to recover from past truama and existential anxiety/phobia.

[shapemydestiny]

Monthly Update: Feb 2020

The notion that you can fit an entire class into a six weeks is ridiculous. The last month was... Different. 

Why I decided to try a new prescription is BEYOND me. I keep having afternoon “crashes” throughout the day so I figured that perhaps something might work better. Boy was I wrong. All it did was make me have an absurd amount anxiety throughout my first grad school class. Did I switch back stimulant meds after only a week? Ya betcha I did. Was this week hell and trickled over to future weeks? Absolutely. For 2 or 3 weeks, I spent everyday working on the weekly assignment, nearly all day. I get overwhelmed with information, worried that i’m not doing it right, and that I don’t understand the material. It got to the point that I spent 4 hours rearranging applications on my phone. I spent 5 hours editing photos that could be done in an hour. Why I have been obsessing over every tiny detail, while at the same time, being overwhelmed with information is beyond me. I can sit playing piano for over an hour without realizing it, and the next day, be so into what i’m playing that I lose track of where I am on a page. 

On a brighter note: I got my diagnosis about whatever skin condition I had since July this month (I think, IDK maybe it was in January). Being told to try a million different things that don’t work, only to be told “yeah you just have eczema” is beyond frustrating. Just another thing to add to the list right? 

At the very end of the month, things have been inconsistent. Do I worry that my stimulants, mood stabilizers or anti-depressants aren’t working? I don’t know. Hopefully i’ll be in a non-aggressive hypomania phase for a while.  

[shapemydestiny]

Monthly Update: Jan 2020

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted to this blog. I get that I am doing this for myself, but If someone can find it along the way and can relate that’s great too. I decided when writing my annual self reflection in December that I would start journaling monthly. Regarding bipolar,  October through Christmas my depression stayed a way. There definitely has been some times where I’ve been manic or hypomanic though. 

With my weight fluctuating it has been, I can “gain” or “lose” 5-8 pounds really quickly. This past month I hit my extended goal of losing 40 pounds by the end of the year. If you told me this a year or two ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. That’s not to see everything is great in that department. I didn’t exercise at all this month despite the nice weather. I think it has to do with the fact that it takes an hour or so for my stimulant medication to kick in, which also helps with chronic fatigue. By the time it kicks in, I want to get in gear and just start my day and be productive while I can. I’m worried that because i’m not exercising like I should be, which makes me worry about losing bone density and my metabolism plateauing.

I also worry that I’m losing weight too quickly at times and that i’m not eating enough when i’m occupied with other tasks.  I keep experiencing vertigo, and headaches, which I think has to do with my lack of food. If I’m busy doing stuff, why would I want to stop for food, the thing that I tend to eat too munch of anyways. Body dysmorphia amongst fat people is real. People associate it with anorexia, but I didn't realize how common how much it’s associated with weight loss, no matter how severe. 

 I’m losing weight which is great, but I’ve been worrying a lot about my health. Having a mood disorder, eating disorder, anxiety, and ADHD are a terrible combination. At the beginning of the month drugs didnt seem to be working. I got an increase in my dosage of Vyvanse only to start having a lot of anxiety, especially at night and in the morning. Having my psychatrist rub off my health concerns (acne breakouts, stomach craps, anxiety, trouble sleeping, etc.) was incredibly hurtful. I know I can be a handful, but having co-morbid conditions that feed off each other is infuriating. 

Grad school started which is great, but I’m still worried about completing the program. I found out that the online program includes lectures through conferencing software that can be watched later. My therapist recommended that I look into seeing the disabilities services office, which I finally agreed to do. The process is stupid complicated with the longest intake documentation that my psychiatrist has seen in his several decades of working with schools. The forms and initial interview made me feel shitty about contacting them, if their policy is to treat people like criminal suspects. Not to mention the mental health accommodations that were described were like nothing. Why the hostility over “gasp” and entire extra day to turn in an assignment? I can’t imagine the justification for it, especially given how stigmatized seeking help already is. 

I really like the professor and facilitators for my first course, and even got an A on my first assignment. The professor is really kind, funny, knowledgable, and brings lots of real world examples. He stripped most of the technical focus from the class which is nice for time constraints, but really turns the course into a supply chain management style course. I also had terrible anxiety while working franticly trying to get everything done for the first assignment. I only worry now that the amount of energy from anxiety I had isn’t sustainable and that I will enter a depression and my school work will suffer as a result. Starting grad school with interactive online lecturers, a nice teaching staff, and from a respectable school is great. I only worry now that I didn’t make the wrong decision regarding course durations, and required coursework. 

[shapemydestiny]

I’m Seeing a Psychiatrist?

comorbidityDo you ever feel like a year went by super quickly but also super slow at the same time? This is one of those years. It’s been 8 months since my last post... That’s a long time, especially considering that I told myself that I wanted to journal more often to get my feelings published somewhere. I remember writing the last blog post, but dont remember what was happening on that day. Usually I write when i’m sad and want to get my thoughts down when i’m sad. This is not one of those times. I said TBD at the end of the last post. I guess it was... until now.

I’ve continued to see my therapist on my insurance’s telehealth app. My therapist has a focus on life transitions. This was helpful at times, but also extremely frustrating. I mean at that point, you’re basically a life coach who doesn’t give opinions on anything, but is able to diagnose you. That’s not to say it’s not helpful, but just a mixed bag. When people talk about “therapy”, or “types of therapy”, I thought that most forms of therapy isn’t talk therapy, where you just rant about things. I have a great connection with her, but I just don’t know if she’s the right fit in the long term. More on this later.

Thankfully my grandmothers health has been OK and she’s back to her normal life in her “not retirement home” (a fancy place that I thought was a 4 star hotel at first glance). Can we get a Suite Life of Zach and Cody remake but with seniors? 

She was able to fly over for a visit during the end of the major parts of recovery. During this time period I continued to look at graduate programs. I’m not going to lie. I was very fatigued, lacked motivation to do much, and was incapable of making any rational decisions at this time. I should’ve gotten more serious help during this time. I applied two places and got into both. One of them was prestigious, and extremely affordable as it’s an online program designed to target large amounts of people. Looking into the details, I decided that 1) I couldn’t mentally handle that challenging of a school and 2) It didn’t have a lot of courses I wanted. I picked the other program which was affordable as well, and got ready to start taking courses this past May.

May came around and there were many red flags with my first online course. I’m talking vague assignments, the course didn’t match the course description etc. Turns out this person was the chair of the program, and teaches about a third of the courses in the program. I received emails from 10% of my classmates on the first day that they were considering dropping, and one person stated other professors were “marginally better”. I dropped out the next day. If this many people had the same thought process that I did, I know I made the right choice. It was a major setback because I had no backup schools and fall deadlines had passed for most schools. 

June my mother went out of town to visit my grandmother. I took this time to start seeing a psychiatrist. Right off the bat, he diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, depression, an eating disorder and ADHD. The last one threw me for a loop. How do I have ADHD? ME?? But “i’m one of the good kids” and “I didn’t do poorly in school”. 

For two months I said no to ADHD meds. Around this time my nephew (in elementary/primary school) was diagnosed with ADHD. One night I told my sister what my psychiatrist told me. She told me that she and other family members have ADHD as well??? How did nobody tell me this before? My nephew has ADHD, but I assumed that has to do with his father’s own ADHD.

*The rest of this post was written about a month or two later. Some details might be foggy*

 I went back to the doctors the following month. I told him about my family history and gave them a try. Within days I noticed that more often than not I was able to focus on a tasks longer, was happier, and was eating less. The downside? The ADD med was helpful, but made me aggressive at times and I often felt tired and irritable at the end of the day.

My psychiatrist told be that he still thinks that I have ADD, but that a bipolar disorder is more than likely the main problem. Fast forward a bit to today. I am now on a mood stabilizer, and an anti-depressant. For the first month ore so, I saw mild changes. After being on the right dosage, everything was perfect! For the first time in years, I felt like I had a baseline mood and mental state. It wasn’t sad, or overly happy. I wasn’t avoiding food, I wasn’t getting the munchies. I was productive, but not hyper focused on one task at a time. Fast forward a couple weeks to modern day, and that cycle has broken. I’m still better off than before I was on a mood stabilizer, but have still been cycling between moods and have been impulsive. 

I’m using a mood tracking app, which is helpful because it’s specifically designed for those with bipolar in mind. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist have said I am a unique case, with little established pattern. To add to the mix, my psychiatrist thinks I’m potentially autistic (that’s a story for another time & I was never diagnosed). We talked last time about a full psyc eval being conducted towards the end of my appointment, but never got into details. Hopefully he will be able to refer me to someone tomorrow. 

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. Sadly, he might have to adjust my mood stabilizer or anti-depressant dosage. That’s great, but my impulsive behavior has been problematic. I lost 15 pounds since I started psychiatric medications. Overtime, I’ve slowly been gaining it back. When someone has ADD/ADHD, and bipolar (multiple conditions are referred to has happening comorbidity) , you need to have a stabilized mood, before adding a stimulant into the equation. I’m not mentally “stable” at the moment and will likely end up with a dose adjustment and not return to ADHD meds. If the weight gain and impulsive behavior continues, who knows what my future holds. 

[shapemydestiny]

Spiraling Thoughts

To say this week has been... interesting, would be an understatement. 

I switched to using a different online therapy platform that’s 100% covered by my insurance. It’s the same therapist I had before, but on a different platform. Makes me feel really dumb knowing that I had spent about a $1,000 for something that I didn’t need to purchase. That’s money not coming back. I thought that i’d be weird doing a video session, and an hour session as normally my previous sessions were 20-30 minutes. It felt nice to have that much time, that I didn’t feel rushed. I didn’t have much to talk about, but boy do I this week.

Almost immediately after my last session, my mom alerted me that my grandma is in the hospital. She had some internal bleeding in her skull around her brain. I just finished one therapy session, and I joked that “well I guess I need another one now”. I was convinced that she was going to die, and that my mom was just lying to make herself and I feel better. Her surgery went fine, but she’s currently recovering.... She’s in her late 80s - who knew older people could be stubborn. *gasp* You don’t say. 

My friend who’s in a nursing program out of state visited with me on Tuesday. It’s always nice but weird for us to hang out. He’s really sweet and always asks how I’m doing. I always feel like i’m a bothersome with him, so I tried to steer the conversation away from me for a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to talk to him about my life and struggles, but didn’t want the friendship to seem one-sided. 

We were having a non-judgemental debate/discussion on a lot of things. He mentioned how he doesn’t understand why some people are so stubborn or have trouble coping with certain situations. For example: Type II diabetes. I told him that people cope with this in different ways. If someone’s diet is extremely poor and that’s the cause of their diabetes, there’s likely a mental reason behind it. You can’t look at the surface of the issue, you have to look deeper. I told him that the most “stubborn” patients are the ones that are likely struggling the most. 

Honestly this conversation shocked me. I know my friend is a good person. I know that he is able to show compassion and empathy to others. It’s one of those situations where unless an issue is close to home, people a lot of times just don’t see it. If my friend thinks that fat people just have given up and just want to be fat, that makes me really upset. Just because they aren’t doing “xyz”, doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. It makes me wonder: If my own friend has trouble understanding what his friends are going through, how can society?

He’s one of those friends where I can never tell if he genuinely wants to hang out with me, or if he does so out of obligation or because he’s just a caring person. We’ve been friends for a long time. He told me that our daily after school walks when he was in seventh grade often are what got him through the day. Why can’t I take a compliment... He was trying to show that we have a mutual relationship, but all I heard was “you helped me, so now i’m in your debt”. He’s not the only one too. I wonder if most people are actually my friends, or if they just “tolerate me”. 

Then came a few days of being tired, and not really wanting to do much. On Thursday, I got a computer in the mail that I converted into a local media server. That project kept me preoccupied for about a day, and now i’m just tired again, not wanting to do much.  I spent the 2 days just tired, with not much motivation to do much... I realized that an hour ago was the first time I had showered in like 3 days. My diet hasn’t been that good either. Did I have fast food 3 times this week and a pack of Oreos? Yes. I hate that I can’t stay consistent with anything it seems in my life.  

Back to Monday for a second. The online therapist platform accidentally emailed me a copy of the medical report from my session. It said that the therapist thinks I have adjustment disorder now? This really annoys me. Granted I did spend a lot of time on this specific session on things that hare happening with my life that are transitional. A lot of things in my life are in a transitional phase. A lot of things that make me sad or “depressed” relate to that, but it’s not everything. I thought I made it clear though, that I’ve been struggling for at least 5 years at this point and it’s only gotten worse overtime. While I get that I’m not a licensed therapist, I honestly don’t think I meet the criteria. I understand that for a lot of people, this is a legitimate mental disorder that temporarily interferes with their life. However, putting me in the “it’s just a phase” category really upsets me. I feel as though maybe I haven’t been honest or clear enough with her. Maybe I haven’t gotten my basis covered as much as I thought I have. 

It’s Saturday night and my mind has had thoughts all over the place. Wonderful thoughts include the following: 

1. Nobody understands what i’m going through,

2. I’m destined to be fat and alone, nothing will ever make me feel better

3. I’m really tired, bu also have a million things on my mind

4. I wish I could sleep for a long time, and just magically wake up fully energized and never need sleep. 

5. I know there are things that I want/need to do, but lack the motivation/metal energy needed to complete something. How can I focus on anything if I can’t focus on a TV show? Good luck doing any school work, picking out a grad school, or even having enough focus to finish this point. 

6. I feel numb

7. I don’t feel like crying, except while writing this, I feel sad yet empty inside.

8. I feel sad where I normally would want to cry or feel “sad”, but don’t. I’m just done.

8. I don’t know what’s a scarier though: Me living forever, or me dying. 

9: I want to eat everything, and also want to eat nothing.

10: Why can’t everyone just get along? Why must greed get in the way. Why should I have to worry about getting sick after one day and dying or losing everything I have? Why am I scared of losing my parents insurance when I turn 26, as if by my luck that i’ll have something horrible happen to me.

11. What is my future?

12. *i’m going to bed because i’m really tired*.. post TBD

[shapemydestiny]

Don’t Minimize Your Problems

Even thought you don’t think you are doing so, listen to your heart and your feelings. Others people’s problems don’t minimize yours or make them any less valued. To loved ones, I know you have problems, but please take notice to obvious signs of someone who’s struggling mentally. 

If i’m being honest, i don’t recall a ton about what my parents were like when I was a child. I don’t recall thinking about anything deep, or thinking that my mom is a narcissist with clear mental health issues. I just remember going to school, playing sports on weekdays and the weekends, and going on family vacations during Spring and Summer breaks. 

 If I had to pick a part of my life where things started to become worse, it would be high school. By now, I was the only child still living at home. At this point my father’s alcohol usage had become a notably large family family problem. My sister became a mom at age 21, and my brother has been avoiding talking to my mom. My brother also dropped out of college, only to return back and drop out again. Turns out both my siblings suffer from mental illness(es).

I didn’t want to burden my family with what seemed like small issues at the time. After all, at this point they were adults with “real issues”. Get through high school hiding in my room, keeping my drunk father safe from others, and eating away my feelings. At age 17 I got my first debit card. I remember one of the first purchases I made - Hershey’s Easter chocolate covered marshmallows. Lots of sugar, 100 calories each. I think I ate 48 of them in a one or two week period. 

I’ve “waited my turn” for years, and have waited for things to “calm down”. My symptoms are now worse, and drama still exists in the household. My mom continues to be a narcissistic, hormonal, and inconsiderate person.  

I’ve never felt special or confident. To me, the things I do are simple, and your compliments are meaningless. I honestly wonder sometimes if i’m actually smart or if everyone is just stupid. I’m not narcissistic enough to believe the first, and don’t want to believe the second. That kind of mindset depresses me because I cannot mentally process a compliment. I’m very dismissive of any kind of praise. After all, i’m nobody special.  

How can someone who lacks confidence, is lonely, someone who’s always pessimistic improve their life? It’s hard. As life goes on, I realized that things have calmed down, but i’m not read to come out of the mental health closet with my parents quite yet. I’ve realized timing now has nothing to do with my situation, but the fear I have of how my mom will react, and how she will treat me afterwards. 

I’m done being someone’s side bitch or third wheel. It’s hard enough to do anything productive most days, let alone improve your life for the better. It’s something that has to be done... but how can I do it alone? 

[shapemydestiny]

A Few Life Updates

It’s been a while since i’ve posted on here. A few updates. Did I have that conversation with my dad? Yes, but it was short, awkward and I doubt he remembered it. I’ve since started using BetterHelp, but have yet to see a psychiatrist. It’s on the to-do list along with scheduling a plethora of doctor appointments. I still don’t have my license, but a friend in a similar situation has helped me feel better about that. Speaking of which I finally met an online friend in person... 8 years later! 

I’ve kept busy with things this past academic year. I got a job at the college, spend lots of time volunteering, and I moved... a lot. I’ve graduated college, and have been doing some freelance work while looking at grad school and dedicating more time to focus on my physical and mental health. 

Sounds like it would be a good thing right? Yes, however I still have many of the same struggles. My anxiety as gotten worse over time, and I had my first actual full blown anxiety attack this past April. Had no idea it meant you literally felt like you are dying!

The good news is that I found a therapist that I can connect with, who listens, and follows up on things. The first therapist felt that I am likely suffering from Bipolar II disorder. My new therapist thinks that It could be Bipolar II, but could also be Cyclothymia - a more rapid but more “mild” version of Bipolar. While I really want an official diagnosis from an in person therapist and/or psychiatrist, it’s a start in the right direction. I want to get on some mood stabilizer, but have to take the first steps. 

[shapemydestiny]

The Fear of Judgement of Others

How will they react? Will they treat me differently? Will they judge me forever? I have a feeling that everyone as a time in their life where they have doubt about telling someone something. They hold onto a secret - because of an expected negative outcome. It doesn’t matter if those thoughts are justified, or if they’re simply blown out of proportion. There are some things you don’t want to tell a certain person.

It could be that you’re coming out as gay for the first time, or telling your spouse that you have cancer. Everyone has something that you are afraid of their reaction. People often claim they don’t care about how others perceive themselves. From what I’ve observed, these are often the people who care about the judgements of those close to them. Putting off a secret can destroy you - both physically and mentally. Even if these secrets are kept rightfully, it still hurts regardless.

I have many secrets that I don’t tell my parents. Now I know that this is completely normal, but the amount of secrets I have kept is a lot. For one, I’m an atheist. Now for secular readers, they might not think that this is a big deal. I agree with you. After all there is no scientific basis behind Christianity, Islam of Judaism. For me, I keep that a secret - not because I’m ashamed but by the perceived reaction of my mother. I am fully financially dependent of my mother. In my mind, what would I rather do? Pretend to be religious and have all my finances paid for, or risk the worst of the worse from occurring.

Hiding the fact that I’m an atheist isn’t that common. But it’s not the only thing. I’m also a member of the LGBT community. Listening to your parents laugh and call someone gay based on their appearance, and announce that they don’t believe in marriage equality is hard. Imagine the cringe factor associated with that. If you saw someone making fun of a deaf person that’s right in front of them, what would you say? Would you allow them to treat the person that way or would you stick up for them? I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve swallowed my pride, and had to ignore my parents ignorant and homophobic remarks. I know that’s not healthy right? But I think “It could be worse. I could be in Saudi Arabia”. Except the fact life by comparison is no way to live. A victim of sexual assault shouldn’t be thinking “well at least I didn’t get prosecuted for being raped like they do in some countries”

What’s my last secret? I’m not mentally healthy. Now for most adults this wouldn’t be something they need to share with their families. I’ve been putting off getting a drivers license for nearly five years. I’ve hard to renew my permit more times that I can count. I rely heavily on my parents for transportation. If I were to see a psychiatrist, they would have to be the one to take me there. I have a family history of mental illness on the father’s side of my family. My mom really does try to care for those in my family with mental needs. She comes from the right place, but handles these situations extremely poorly. From observing my mothers interactions with my sister and brother, I know I don’t want her to know. I feel as if they have “real” problems therefore I’m worth lesser. What a terrible thing to think right? Well that’s simply the reality of the situation.

My life has been an emotional rollercoaster the past 4 years or so. I’ve gained large amounts of weight, lost large amount of weight, felt fatigued, and lost interest in many things. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t realize who I am anymore. Yes I know when I was 12, I started to fall madly in love with technology. In high school, I started to love following politics. But now do I really know what I like anymore? To tell you the truth, I don’t. There are days where I’ll be doing technology homework and I will find it the most interesting topic. Later? Not so much. Same goes with business and political science. You can give me one assignment to do, and sometimes I’ll finish it without a problem with plenty of time before the deadline. I’ll wake up, ready to get work done and just power through a ton of different actives. Other days, I just want to watch videos online - to the point where I’ve gotten bored and tired and “can’t find anything to watch”. Simply attempting to write anything is nearly impossible for me to do.

My life just feels like it’s on an endless loop with no real purpose other than to follow the motions. That’s no way to live. I’ve secretly gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. I’ve had their number for nearly a month but have yet to make an appointment. This is after over three years of waiting to talk to someone - hopefully get drugs, and magically be “better”. If I don’t go to my appointment, I know that I won’t ever get better, and will continue to be tired with little motivation. I keep telling myself that I’ll confront my dad about it. But will I? That’s the important thing. I’m writing this at nighttime in my bed. I told myself that I would tell him tomorrow morning. Will I? That’s the million dollar question.

I don’t like serious conversations. Emotions are a very personal things. Trying to know someone’s emotions can be viewed as being open to being vulnerable. I hate that mental health is treated so differently than physical health. Can’t I just tell you vague details? I don’t ask specific details about a friend with breast cancer. I would never ask for them to lift their shirt and show me. But why it it okay to be expected to know specific details about someone’s mental health. You should be lucky that the person trusts you enough to let them know about a part of your life. I just want to tell my dad tomorrow morning that I’m seeing a psychiatrist and please do not ask any questions. Let’s see how that works out.

[shapemydestiny]

Sexuality - Upbringing, and My Sexuality

I grew up knowing nothing about sexuality whatsoever. I never had a “talk” nor did anyone really mention that different sexualities existed. If I’m being completely honest, I’m glad that was the case. Because not only do I find that kind of conservations awkward to have, it can shape your perspective on others.

My sister had two friend’s friends that shared the same unisex name. For sake of keeping this anonymous, we’ll refer to them as “Taylor”. Interestingly enough, her male friend named Taylor is gay. Now you would think that any person would refer to them by their last name, or simply “boy Taylor”. I never thought about what it meant but my everyone in my family referred to him as “gay Taylor”. This was before I had high-speed internet access and quite frankly, I didn’t care. Looking back at it, I wish that my parents had a different nickname for “gay Taylor”.

Fast forward to 6th grade and I attended a local Catholic school. Now this was at a time when using “gay” as a slur. This year I befriended someone who’s best friend didn’t like me. He was jealous that I was “stealing” his best friend. Looking back at it, I kind of was. Anyways we would fight all the time and one day I made a video and called this child gay. At the time I thought it was an insult, not a sexual orientation.

A few days later, I guess someone at the school had found out. Everyone was shocked that I would dare to call him gay and acted as if I had just committed mass genocide. When I got home, my parents explained to me what “being gay” meant. To me, it never even crossed my mind that people of the same gender can have feelings for each other. So to me, when learning what It meant to “be gay” was not a big deal.

My parents didn’t explain to me that Catholics view “being gay” as wrong.  Which honestly, that left me even more confused. See I didn’t grow up Catholic – I was raised protestant and the church never focused on sexuality. The church didn’t mention really any of the hateful or judgmental parts of the bible at all. I had no idea why people would care about someone’s sexuality.

So that was my experience with learning what it meant to be gay. There wasn’t some period afterward where I immediately thought “oh awesome I wonder if I’m gay” or “this confirms everything I know about me being gay”. My thought process was “some boys like boys and some boys like girls. Okay seems logical”.

Fast forward to around 11th or 12th grade of high school, and I started to think – maybe I’m not straight. There are times when I thought “may I’m bisexual” or “gay – you’re definitely gay but just enjoy having a lot of female friends”. Years later and I still don’t know what my sexual orientation “truly” is – and I’ve learned that’s okay. I might not know what my sexuality is. Guess what. Sexuality is fluid. I don’t connect with a lot of people and label myself as an introvert. It typically takes a while to get to know someone and I stick to a limited circle of friends and acquaintances. I like people for who they are on the inside.

Some people might say “great then you’re bisexual or pansexual”. If you put a gun to my head and told me to pick a sexuality, I honestly don’t know what I would say. It might depend on my mood, the person, or how my perspective has shifted over time. So as it stands, I identify as bisexual. I know that I’m not straight, but I’m not sure if I’m gay either. At least to my perspective bi-curious tends to focus on sexual exploration and not your sexual identity. So that’s why I identify as bisexual and not gay or bi-curious.

I do have a problem with labeling your sexual orientation though and it’s not for the reason you think. For some people, labeling their sexuality helps themselves self-identify and that’s fine. But for me, it causes conflict and often leads to generalizations.

On the one hand, some people might not believe me if I tell them that I don’t know what my sexuality is. They often make assumptions that I’m “gay in denial” or that “you’re bisexual”. While it’s true that could be the case, that’s really a fair assumption to make. I’ve also been told that I’m straight but “you’re just doing this to rebel against your conservative parents”. If I’m being honest, I don’t know where my parents stand on LGBT rights. I know they find the stereotypical ones to be rather annoying, but in terms of acceptance, I don’t know where they stand. I’m not even “out” to them so how on earth does this accusation make any sense. The things people come up with.

Now if I identify as bisexual, some might think of negative bisexual stereotypes (it’s a phase, you’re promiscuous, you’re a gay in denial).  That’s not to say that there are gay guy stereotypes as well, but those tend to lead towards anyone that’s on the Kinsey scale.

Simply identifying as a non-heterosexual and I certainly meet specific traits. Yes, I don’t like sports, and yes I like music and helping others. But guess what? I’m also a fat guy who doesn’t enjoy fashion, who doesn’t wear makeup and who doesn’t worship gay icons (except for you queen B). Oh, and singing? I’m not a countertenor (male soprano) or even a tenor for that matter. I sing bass notes that others often can’t even hit. Please go on about being queer radically defines who you are as a person.  

There are people that are 100% gay and people that are 100% straight. Society at some point is going to have to address the fact that sexuality is a spectrum, and that identifying as LGBT+ doesn’t define the entirety of who you are. Most of my female friends identify as at least bisexual. Some people might state that women are women are more likely to identify as part of the LGBT community. I don’t think that has to do with it at all. I attribute it to the fact my friend circle is primarily female. I also grew up in an accepting and more progressive generation and grew up in an area where people focus on community and bringing people together, not pushing people apart.