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sharksluvsoup · 4 months ago

Text

Worth more than a dime

Summary: An glance into what would have happen if Cheshire had paused when called out too(None canon) Wordcount: 2942 Not beta read/edited (sorry if any character seems mischaracterize)

The distant sounds of gunshots rang in my head as a haunting memory as I found myself hunched over as my hands grasped each other as I tried to tune out the chatter of my teammates, even though we were going back to base it still felt like I was trapped on the field, with an quiet frustrated groan I sat up before anyone could tell anything was wrong.

Less than an hour to base, I had to remind myself as I found myself starting to become impatient, god I could really use a cigarette right now.

But, before I could zone out once more, I was snapped back to reality as a voice called out to me.

“Oi, lass are you still alive? You’ve been quieter than a mouse, even for your standards” my eyes glanced over to Soap, as I self consciously checked to see if he had any wounds. “Yes…I am alive…” I finally answered back after, finding no wound on him, which brought a strange sense of peace to me, for some reason. “I…was just thinking of the mission…it was a strange mission..indeed ” I say to explain my quietness as my eyes went back to staring at my gloved hands.

The mission had been strange for many reasons,it had felt too easy…but it had also felt like the slightest wrong move and everyone would have been dead in a second, like something had been waiting to be triggered off. I glanced back over to Soap.

“Truly strange…” I found myself muttering as I mindlessly tapped my foot, no energy to respond to any form of a playful tune.

A part of me could tell he didn’t fully believe my words, as his eyebrows seemed to knit together for a second before relaxing but decided to play along for my own sake for some reason.

“Aye, it was” He answered back, his Scottish accent filling my brain once more, making a small tingling fill my head and I didn’t know why. Was it a feeling of longing that now filled my head? If it was, was it a romantic or platonic longing, either one felt like it could lead to similar results that I had faced in the past.

“You did a fantastic job out, there lass” He said snapping me out for once again falling back into my own head, a bad habit I seemed to never be able to escape.

“Um…thanks…you did good to…” I found myself mentally cursing myself with how bad that answer was, what kind of compliment was ‘you did good to?’ I cleared my throat as I quickly made up a better compliment even if it still sucked. “What I meant to say is that you did excellent…good explosives handling…best..i’ve properly seen” God, that sounds even worse, why is this so hard? I felt myself cringe up as I recalled the words I used ‘good explosives handling…best..i’ve properly seen’. Jesus, I couldn’t even form a proper sentence without pausing to think, I must sound like such an idiot right now.

“Aw-shucks lass, you truly do know how to make a man feel special” Soap answered back with a chuckle, I tried to tell if he was being sarcastic, joking or pitying me, but it was so hard to tell, maybe it was both, maybe it was neither. I wish I could tell.

“...But are you truly okay, lass? You seem tense…and more zoned out than normal”

I nodded my head back as I forced my voice out. “Yeah, yeah. Just exhausted from the mission.” I found myself saying as I glanced back to my hands to avoid any eye contact.

“Aye, I can relate to that, lass, make sure to rest once we’re back to base” “he answered back, seeming to believe my half lie. “And when I mean an break lass, I mean no paperwork as well, no matter how tempting it is”

Before I could protest in any forms, Captain Price cut in before I could even open my mouth. “He’s right, an break or two would do you good, don’t want your burning yourself out or accidentally harming yourself” I felt more protests at their words fill my throat fill my mouth, as the sudden wave of sadness overtook me for some reason, how could I prove I truly belonged on this task force if I took a break.

“An hour or two of relaxation will do you no harm, lass, don’t make me order you to take a break, Cheshire” I sighed in frustration knowing there was no point arguing to him, especially that would show disobedience to him and could led to me getting punished or being told of, neither things I could handle right now.

“...Yes…captain” I mumbled quietly, not happy with the outcome, I could tell Gaz and Ghost was listening in to the conversation, as gaz quickly glanced between me and Captain Price before bringing his attention back to the helicopter’s window; while Ghost made the less subtitle route and stared at me for a few seconds, his brown eyes nearly meeting my gaze, before he went back to fidgeting with one of his throwing knives. I felt my body tense up slightly when he patted me on the shoulder out of nowhere, but it wasn’t out of fear of being hurt or anger of being touched…I felt myself longing to be touched gently for a little bit longer, to be held close by someone as I sobbed into arms, but the longing felt so selfish, and the selfish feeling left an bitter everlasting taste to my tongue.

I felt a small ping of disappointment over take any feeling I felt at the moment as he removed his hand from my shoulder after giving it one last pat, yet like always I didn’t voice my disappointment and instead I quickly forced myself to forget about the small interaction all together so I wouldn’t be so confused; at the moment of time I wanted to scream out in frustration from how confused I felt, it truly was a terrible emotion to feel.

“A rest would do ya well, lass” Was all he said before sitting back at his seat and discussing with Gaz how the mission went and once more I found myself going back into my own thoughts as I stared at the seat Roach normally set on when he joined us, his absence leaving an strange bitter feeling I couldn’t describe why. I barely knew him, yet I felt disappointed not being able to see if he was well or okay.

And I truly didn’t know why, maybe my tiredness was once again trying to catch up with me.

I soon found myself slouching down in relief once the helicopter landed at base, I could soon be alone to be free to deal with my emotions in the privacy of my own room, I forced myself up with an small grunt in pain which I ended up ignoring in favour of going to my room instead, though before I could even make it to the hanger’s exit into the base I was stopped by the loud familiar voice of Soap.

“Oi, lass where ya going?” He called out, and even though a part of my brain yelled at me to keep walking I found myself pausing to let him catch up to me. “I’m simply heading off to my room” I answered back as I ignored the war in my mind that had just started, though it didn’t take a genius to figure out Soap wasn’t happy with my answer.

“Not in that state, lass” He answered back, arms crossed, before I could say anything he interrupted me before I could form a sentence. “You need patchin up, and before you say you’re fine, you’re not lassie”

I felt my heart paused in my chest and my breath hitch for a second when he suddenly grabbed my wrist, his touch surprisingly soft…

“Come on lass, we’re getting you patched up, then afterwards I’m going to force you to take a break with me”

“And no but’s” I sighed knowing I could command him to let go of me, to leave me alone, yet for some strange reason I didn’t.

“..Fine…but can I put my gear away first” I quietly mumbled as I tried to ignore how close he was to me or how my heart seemed to react to him, I let him gently drag me away to the locker's and my eyes glanced away from him. We soon entered an awkward but comfortable silence as we put away our gear into our lockers. I could feel his eyes occasionally glance over at me, most likely making sure I hadn’t run away. I found myself packed away before him as I closed my locker door as its lock’s clicked into place.

My eyes glanced back over to Soap as he began to place the last of his gear into his locker, even at this angle I could see his bright blue eyes, my eyes paused as I looked at how bright his eyes were something I hadn’t really picked up on before. The more I found myself staring at his eyes the more they remained me on the open fresh sky on a sunny day, while also reminding me of an beautiful sunny day at the beach when the waves are calm in the ocean and yet the more I stared at his eyes the more they reminded me of things I had seen before in the past, even things I barely think about like how aquamarine and larimar both popped in my head when it came to describing his eyes.

Before I could fall more into the rabbit hole of what I could compare his eyes to, I pulled out my thoughts as he cleared his throat with a grin. “Come on, Lass. Let’s get ya patched up; as much as I appreciate ya admiring me from an distance”

Instead of getting offended by his remark I found myself letting out a small ghost of a chuckle. “...fine..fine you caught me, but it’s not my fault you have the..” I paused as I forced myself not to finish the sentence, I looked away as he got closer and once again gently grabbed my wrist.

“Come on, Lass you know you want to finish that sentence” He softly teased as he dragged me out of the locker room to the infirmary.

“It’s not my fault you have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve even seen…” I quietly mumbled, as it was true I had seen plenty of people with the most gorgeous blue eyes but none of them seem to hold a candle to soap’s blue eyes, for some strange reason I wouldn’t mind staring into his eyes for hours, no matter how boring it most likely would be.

“Aww, shucks lass” he answered back with a happy chuckle, somehow not finding my comment weird, once more I tried to ignore how my heart skipped a beat hearing his chuckle as it felt so ridiculous, why was the smallest most simplest thing from him setting my heart racing in my chest; though I doubt the feeling in my chest would stay for more than today, I let out an huff as we stood in front of the infirmary. “...is this really necessary?” I asked as I glanced over at him.

“Of course it is, Lassie” He answered back as he dragged me inside, my eyes squinted at the bright light’s of the infirmary, I could smell the small lingering smell of disinfection as we made our way to an free station.

I let out an sigh I didn’t know I had been holding in, as I was told to sit down by the nurse. “Just…please make this quick” I say trying not to sound rude, as the nurse began to patch up the injuries I had gotten from the mission, I could feel my foot tap against the floor, the longer I had to wait to be dismissed, I found only quick and simple words escape my mouth when it came to answering the never ending questions from the nurse.

I nodded my head as I stood up once the nurse has dismissed me, I quietly pulled my shirt back down.

“...well..thank you for the help?” I say as once more I got dragged away by Soap to ‘relax’.

“See, that wasn’t too bad, was it, Lass?” He teased as we made our way down the halls, I rolled my eyes under my mask.

“Can -I” I was quickly interrupted by him.

“No, relaxation time, Lass” he said, as we made an pit stop at the cafeteria, the chatter of soldiers and the smell of food filled my sense’s, as I felt my hunger finally hit me, I found myself mindlessly nodding my head to Soap’s chatter. I quietly followed after him, as we grabbed some food.

“...god…it’s loud in here today…” I grumbled as we found an empty table to sit down at, I heard Soap chuckle in response, time seem to speed up as we ate, the chatter quickly becoming quieter and quieter, after putting away our trash, Soap dragged me off to his room.

“Want to watch an movie, lass?” He asked with an grin, the same grin that seemed to be stuck to his face.

“Um…sure…why not?” I said as we eventually made it to his room, the second we entered his room my eyes darted around.

With just an quick glance I could seem framed pictures of his family and the team; I could see sketches he had most likely drew hung up on the walls and on an pile on his dresser next to his sketchbook.

The rest of his room’s wall and shelves seemed to have either football merch or scotland themed items, he does seem to be really proud of his country.

“..yeah..um…can..um”’

“Can I borrow..some of your clothing, Soap…I don't..want to dirty up your bed with my uniform…” I quietly asked after realising how dirty and damp my clothes seemed to be from the last mission.

“Of course, of course lass.” He said with a grin, as he opened his wardrobe, “

Also no need to call me Soap if ya don’t want to, John or Johnny will do just fine” he said as he turned around to raid his wardrobe, quickly pulling out a shirt and some pants.

I removed my shoes as his rummage through his wardrobe. “O-oh..okay…” I answered back as I successfully removed my shoes, I blinked at how fast he had picked out some clothes for me to wear.

“...Thanks..” I quietly said as he handed them to me, I watched as he turned around to get changed into his own pj’s.

I quickly looked away once I saw him shirtless, as I found myself stripping out my uniform and slipping into the clothes he had given me, I could smell the faint smell of his aftershave as I slipped the top on which seemed to reach the midpoint of my thighs, the pants were surprisingly comfy, I wouldn’t mind wearing them more often…even though I hate pants.

I quickly removed my hair from it’s ponytail before shaking my head to help neaten it, and while soap was getting changed I quickly ran my fingers through my hair to get rid of any knot’s I might have.

“Clothes on, Lass?” he called out, his back still facing me.

“Y-yeah” I answered back as I folded up my uniform and placed it near my shoes so it would be out of the way.

“Aww, look at you Lass, looking so adorable, I could eat you up” he said as he looked at me, even though my mask hid my face away from him.

“...cannibalism…is illegal…” I blurted out as I stared at him, there was an brief awkward silence before he bursted out laughing.

“Come on, come on sit down Lass” he said now laid down on his bed as he pulled his laptop out, I slowly and hesitantly sat on the other side of his bed.

“Anything ya want to watch in particular, Lass? Or, anything ya opposed to watching” I shook my head to his questions.

“...no…not really…just nothing with horror in it…”

“Great, since I have the perfect movie in mind,” he said with an grin as he booted up an movie he had download on his computer, I kept quiet as the movie began to play, my eyes glued to the screen as the outside world seemed to fade away into an distant memory.

I could feel So-...Johnny idly run his fingers through my hair, yet I made effort or movement to stop him.

It felt nice, I found myself slowly moving closer to him and laying down to have an better view of the movie and so..I could be closer to him.

I soon found myself drifting off to sleep as the movie played in the background, as the sound of his heartbeat and breathing lulled me to a dreamless sleep as I soon passed out from exhaustion, with the last thing I remembering was him pulling me an bit closer so my head was fully rested on his chest and the feeling of his fingers running through my hair.

“Sweet dream’s Lass” was the last thing I heard as I fell into an dreamless slumber.

#cod x oc #cod mw2 #soap x oc #Cheshire(oc)

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sharksluvsoup · 4 months ago

Text

Not even worth an dime

Summary: An glance into Cheshire’s head and thoughts before she let the team in Wordcount: 5042 Not beta read/edited (sorry if any character seems mischaracterize)

Less than an hour to base, I had to remind myself as I found myself starting to become impatient, god I could really use a cigarette right now.

But, before I could zone out once more, I was snapped back to reality as a voice called out to me.

“Truly strange…” I found myself muttering.

A part of me could tell he didn’t fully believe my words, as his eyebrows seemed to knit together for a second before relaxing but decided to play along for my own sake for some reason.

“You did a fantastic job out, there lass” He said snapping me out for once again falling back into my own head, a bad habit I seemed to never be able to escape.

“...But are you truly okay, lass? You seem tense…and more zoned out than normal”

I nodded my head back as I forced my voice out. “Yeah, yeah. Just exhausted from the mission.” I found myself saying as I glanced back to my hands to avoid any eye contact.

And I truly didn’t know why, maybe my tiredness was once again trying to catch up with me.

I soon found myself slouching down in relief once the helicopter landed at base, I could soon be alone to be free to deal with my emotions in the privacy of my own room, I felt my body move before my mind could process what was happening as I quickly left the helicopter and made my way to my locker to put away my gear and weapon, I ignored someone calling out my name as I took a sharp turn and got out of view from the rest of the time.

I could feel my heart race in my chest as I finally made it my locker and removed the heavy armour I had spent hours and hours wearing, it felt like absolute heaven to be free from the weight, though the cool air hitting against the cuts I tried to hide away made me wince from shock, as I had nearly forgotten I had them in the first place. I sat down against my locker as I quickly cleaned my weapons I had used during the mission. I knew that I would hate myself even more if I ever skipped this part, as I didn’t want to risk any future accidents because of the gun breaking down from neglect.

After finishing the mundane task I did after every mission I went on, I found myself wandering the halls as I made my way back to my room, as I thought about Captain Price and Soap’s words about taking a break. I knew I should listen to their words, especially Captain Price’s words but what they don’t know won’t hurt them, I really didn’t want to fall behind on my tasks, after all I wouldn’t be worthy of being part of 141 if I did.

I could already feel a headache from the conflicting thoughts that began to form in my head and argue with each other.

“Боже, мне нужна сигарета прямо сейчас (God, I need a cigarette right now)” I mumbled to myself as I made it to a random vending machine as I soon found myself staring at the drinks that it had to offer. I knew there were cheaper options but I’m a busy woman with no time to truly waste. I found myself fishing out some lose change I had in my pant pockets, I quietly started at them as I counted how much I had, I had enough for an bottle of water and breakfast bar one of the more healthier choices, or the other two options were an coke and breakfast bar which I could barely afford, it may be less healthy than the first option but it did soothe my sweet tooth craving or the third option which I could barely afford was an monster energy and nothing else, unlike the other two it would help me stay awake longer to do more tasks.

Which made it the clear winner, after all I really wasn’t hungry. I started at the two flavours the vending machine had to offer, after a bit of thinking I ended up picking the Mango loco flavour. The second I had crouched down to grab the drink, was the second my brain finally processed a foul metallic taste in my mouth that made me want to gag. I was now aware of the blood in my mouth, I forced myself to swallow it down, so I didn’t make any mess.

I grabbed the energy can before standing up, as I forced myself not to gag at the fact I had consumed my own blood. All I knew is that I had to take time out of doing the tasks I needed to do, to go and patch myself up…

I guess I could count it as my break I was told to do. I soon made it to my room in the barracks and unlocked the door before heading inside, the dim light of the evening sky filled the room from an small gap in the curtains as I shut the door behind me, as I placed my energy drink down at my desk, as I swiftly removed my shoes and shoved them in an random empty corner of the small room. I let out a choked out gag that I had been holding the second I realised that blood had been dripping in my mouth, I stumbled into the small side bathroom my room had been luckily blessed, it was absolutely tiny, but still absolutely perfect for me. I lazily placed my mask on the bathroom sink’s counter as I turned the bathroom’s light on, I winced when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked absolutely horrid and felt it as well.

My eyes followed as blood dripped down from my nose into my mouth, it must have started when my face was slammed into the floor. Then it must have started bleeding again somewhere around the helicopter being close to base, I sighed as I felt around my nose and pinched it to check if it was broken or not.

After a long and annoying check I had decided it wasn’t broken, as I coughed up the blood that had dripped into my mouth. The iron taste of my own blood and mucus mixing together felt like it was coating the roof of my mouth in a thick coat as I applied pressure to my nose to stop the bleeding, the longer the wait the more blood that seemed to drip into my mouth no matter how hard I tried to stop it from, but eventually it stopped and I sighed in relief as I spat out any remaining blood and mucus from my mouth.

I quickly grabbed the nearly empty bottle mouthwash from the windowsill, I removed the lid as I watched as blood dripped onto the sink and the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, my eyes didn’t leave the bloody mess as I poured an small amount of the mouthwash into my mouth as the as the sharp and familiar taste of listerine overtook the bitter metallic taste of my blood, both tastes began to mix together into an vile taste nearly making me gag as with an choked up cough, as I found myself nearly hurling up some sick from how grossed out I felt.

“Jesus…that was fucking pathetic of me….” I groaned as I put the listerine bottle to the side, my eyes refused to look at the mirror reflection as it melted into an deformed bloody blob, I opened the medication cabinet before stripping out my dirty uniform I needed to clean soon. The cold bathroom air hit my bare skin as I stared at the medication I had in stock as I unclasped my bra and let it fall to the ground with a quiet thud, before slipping out the rest of my underwear.

Even without the mirror reflection I could tell I was covered in cuts, scrapes and formed bruises, I blankly stared at my stomach as I noticed an deeper cut, an bullet that nearly hit me must have deeply scraped across my skin, it had been an close call, but it was an call I was used to know.

I grabbed the few medical supplies I had as I checked how deep the cut was. “Please no stitches, please dont need any fucking stitches” I mumbled to myself over and over again.

I sighed in relief once I saw I could just use some butterfly tape instead, even if the cut screamed for the usage of stitches I simply didn’t have the time to stitch the wound up yet or the time to go to the medical ward to get it stitched up, as I might be forced to go of the next mission.

And if I miss the next mission my worth in this task force decreases, and I do not want that, as I barely deserve to be in the task force in the first place. But first I needed a shower, I needed to clean off the dirt and grime that now covered my pale skin from the mission; I had a few minutes I could spare to freshen up. It just meant less time to sleep, however I could go another sleepless night or two before my health was really at risk.

And it could count as being part of my break/ relaxation time. I stepped inside the shower the second I turned it on, the icey cold water hit my skin harshly as I roughly scrubbed away and filth from my skin, some parts of my skin ended up being rubbed so raw that they started to bleed, but it meant there was no type of filth left on those parts, and anyway my uniform would hide the redden parts of skin, like it hid the rest of the scars and imperfections that littered my skin. After washing my hair and wincing in slight agony as shampoo and conditioner ended up brushing against cuts, I was finally done wasting time freshening up.

I turned the shower off and squeezed some water out my hair, before wrapping a towel around my body and hair as I stepped out the shower, the towel around my body quickly got abandoned as I finally patched up my wounds as I covered the deep wound I had found earlier on my stomach with an absurd amount of butterfly tape. I had done the bare minimum to make sure they were clean so they wouldn’t get infected. I grabbed some random painkiller bottles from the medication cabinet, I quickly read which pills I had grabbed as I grabbed a select handful of them to stop any pain or agony my body was feeling or would begin to feel.

I made a mental note to order some more the next time I got paid; I gagged at the feeling of the pills going down my throat, I petted my throat to get rid of the sensation. “Боже, это какая-то ерунда(God, this is some kind of nonsense)” I croaked out as I used my hands as a makeshift cup to collect some water from the bathroom sink tap, I sighed in relief as I gulped the handful of water down, though I found myself nearly gagging again as the powdery taste lingered in my mouth still even after I gulped down the water, it lingered in my mouth long enough for me to tempted to gulp down some listerine but at the moment of time I had a bit of self control and I could tell I was running low, so I put the lid back on the bottle and put it back where I had originally grabbed it from.

I quietly sat down on the toilet lid as I plugged in my old hairdryer I’ve had for years by now, as I began to quickly dry and brush my hair, this would take an great chunk of my break time, I doubt I would have much rest time after I was done freshening up, though I should be grateful, it’s not going overtime and making me behind in work, after my hair was completely dried and knot free, I stumbled back to my room after lazily throwing my dirty uniform and underwear into my washbasket.

I soon made it to my nearly completely empty closet, as I hadn’t unpacked most of my clothes yet, I hadn’t had the time nor needed them so far. I grabbed a tank top and a clean pair of underwear before putting them on and finally stretching as my muscles and back pretty much cried in relief from the stretch.

With an final wiggle of my shoulders my eyes made contact with my desk as I grabbed a random pair of stockings to keep my legs warm, I truly didn’t have much ‘relaxation’ time left, soon I would be back at my desk, which I seemed to spend most of my time if i’m not training or doing any missions.

With how long I spent at my desk typing and clicking away I might as well be fused to my desk chair at this point, I would still be nearly the same amount of usefulness as I am now, though my worth in the task force would go down greatly as I wouldn't be able to go onto the field anymore but perhaps I would be more useful when it came to doing computer tasks that needed to be done asp as there would be nothing distracting me or needing my attention instead; though my usefulness would probably quickly waste away as my body would grow weaker and began to rot away from neglect, and being fused to my desk chair would most likely be absolutely painful, constant pain 24/7, no way of stopping of it.

And what if no one noticed me not going on mission’s somehow, then I would be left alone to rot and starve to death all alone, without a way to stop my suffering, no one to hold me…as I die.

I could feel my body tense up at the thought of dying such a death as it truly wasn’t a pleasant thought to think about.

The thought of my body slowly decaying into a pile of my own blood in feces as my small amount of worth and usefulness faded away would definitely be haunting me the next time I fall asleep. I roughly slammed my palm into my head to force the thought out of my head, not caring how hard I hit my head, as I hit the same spot over and over until the thought was out of my head, most likely in the process leaving a bruise would form in that area in a few hours but I couldn't care about that right now, and most likely wouldn’t care about it in a few hours as my mask would hide the evidence away. I just wanted the thought out of my head and for good.

I had much more important things to think about, I soon found myself slouched down at my desk as I opened my energy drink and took a sip of it as I logged into my computer to do my task’s I needed to do asp to keep my value up for being in the team, though I did have a few minutes to spare and I really needed something to take my mind of today’s events.

I sat up as I decided to take a five minute break, I did not have alcohol to drink to numb nor did I want to rely on it to, but if I remember correctly I still had some cigarettes in my desk drawer. I opened the drawer as my hands delved in, pushing past the knives and other stuff I had shoved into the drawer without any thought. I could feel some cuts form on my hand as I finally was able to grab a cigarette and lighter, most likely just some nicks and cuts most likely nothing important that needed cleaning.

I soon pulled out a cigarette and an lighter as I stood up and made my way to my window, as the night sky greeted me, as I opened the window slightly so I wouldn’t trigger an fire alarm as I lit the end of the cigarette before taking a deep breath of it, the disgusting but overpowering taste of nicotine, tobacco and smoke filled my mouth and senses, most of me wanted to gag but the cigarette was doing its job and distracting me mentally.

I soon exhaled the smoke as I watched it escape through the window, the night sky and empty outside hiding my actions away, as I took another inhale of the cigarette. It might not be alcohol, but damn did it take my mind off things for the time being, I knew nothing I did to cope was healthy but does it truly really matter?

I’ll probably be killed on the field or by my own hands, it’s just a matter of time on who’s quicker with the trigger. After the taste became too much for me to cope with as I began to gag I soon put the cigarette out on my thigh before flushing it down the toilet. Before finally sitting back to my desk after closing my curtains and window once more.

Break time was now over, and for good, it was time for much more important things, such as the ocean of task’s I had to do before their deadline arrive and I find myself drowning in an ocean of tasks and self disappointment from letting everyone down; something I refused to let happen even if it meant missing dinner and some hours of sleep.

Time seemed to pass on quickly as my fingers typed and clicked away on my keyboard and mouse as the computer light filled my eyes, it was already 3am, yet I didn’t feel tired nor did I feel any ounce of hunger, perhaps it was the energy drink and lingering adrenaline from today’s mission that was making ignore those needs, either way I was very grateful as it meant I was able to finish my task I needed to do.

“Damn…I must either be time blind or time is just too fast for me to keep track of” I mumbled as I submitted the last task I needed to submit.

And since I didn’t feel an ounce of tiredness I could research more about the mission location to see what made the mission feel so strange to me, since the feeling could have been for an good reason or for an completely absurd and stupid reason that I should be used to now, I rubbed my eyes as I grabbed my reading glasses from their hiding spot and put them on.

I could hear the faint whispers of some rookies sneaking back into base when they weren’t supposed to be out in the first place, but instead of writing an report to send to an higher up, or scolding them myself or heck even scaring them I decided to ignore them, it wasn’t my problem if they got caught by someone like Captain Price or Ghost.

Though I would have to admit, their happy whispers of chatter to each other made me feel a strange feeling in my stomach. It wasn’t anger or the feeling of dread as I knew what those two feelings felt quite well. I paused as I tried to pinpoint the emotions I felt as my mood suddenly dropped.

I felt…so sad and lonely, I could also feel a seedling of jealousy form in my stomach, and I knew why..

I felt jealous from how happy and open they seem to be with each other, as if they knew each other since the start of time, a feeling I could have nearly related to in the past…but right now, I would never be close to relating to that feeling..and properly never will…for everyone’s sake.

I needed to stay away from everyone for my own sake and their own sake, after all I was the reason I permanently lost the two people who truly cared about me, my father and my second captain. If I hadn’t been born my dad would most likely still be alive, living a happy life that I could only dream about having. If I had kept the wall between me and my second captain, perhaps he would still be alive, running his task force as if the possibility of him dying because of my luck wasn’t even a possibility.

And anyone else who ‘seemed’ to care about me ends up betraying me or abandoning me or seemingly forgetting about me all together.

Maybe I was cursed, just like my uncle mentioned day after day since I started my military journey years ago, maybe I truly did belong to the punishment and torture hell had waiting for me once I die.

I should be used to this lonely feeling, after all distancing myself is the least I could do for my sinful existence, so why does it hurt so much?

Why does it hurt so much when I remember how unloveable I have become over the years?

“заткнись, заткнись, заткнись (shut up, shut up, shut up)” I soon myself sobbing as my hands clawed at my ears as I tried to get rid of the thoughts.

What had I done to deserve a life like this?

What terrible thing did I do for god to make my life an living fucking HELL?

“IT’SNOTFAIRIT’SNOTFAIR” my hands gripped my hair as I found myself breaking down once more, like I tended to do, like an pathetic broken record player forced to loop every sound it could possibly make as I abruptly stood up from my desk.

“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?”

“WHAT DID I DO WRONG?” I found myself nearly shouting as I found myself once more waiting for an answer from a god who didn’t even seem to hear me pleas and cries of help. I found myself often chanting over and over and over again as I laid on my bed.

“..w-why…” My voice went weak once more.

“..w..why…won’t you answer me..” I sobbed as I tried once more to get an answer, yet no answer came.

“...did…i…did something…wrong..”

“FOR FUCK SAKE ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME”

“ANSWER ME, YOU ANSWER OVER PEOPLE’S CRIES FOR HELP, WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER MINE?”

“WHAT DID I DO, THAT WAS SO WRONG?” I yelled out into my pillow in frustration as rage and sorrow thought inside of my head for control, both emotions seeming to overtake each other the second the other one grew.

“...why..won't…you answer me…” I sobbed quietly as my voice became hoarse from the yelling I found myself nearly doing.

“..what…did I do that was so wrong?” I could feel my hands grip my throat, the temptation to squeeze so hard that something broke and left me suffocating like a fish on land was too tempting at the moment of time.

“Is…my existence that sinful?” I sobbed as I looked up to the ceiling as if the answer would magically appear on it, but nothing appeared as the only sound that filled my room was my quiet pathetic sobs as my sobs soon became angry curse’s once more.

“WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER ME?” I yelled as my hands tighten around my neck as I let out a long string of curses to myself and the world, but I soon found myself collapsing back onto my bed as my cursing faded back into pitiful shaky sobs as my hands gripped my pillow and held it close.

I found myself frozen up as I sobbed the sorrow out of my cold sinful heart for the time being.

I felt so exhausted once my sobbing slowly faded away into small whimpers that soon disappeared as fast as they arrived, leaving me alone in my room as the bright light of the bulb irritated my eyes as I numbly glanced at my alarm clock. 5AM, I had wasted all my night pathetically sobbing and screaming at myself, I had missed any opportunity to get any sleep or to research yesterday’s mission location, I would have to do it later if I had any free time.

After all, it is the start of a new day, and I mustn't be late to start it, no matter what tries to hold me back.

#cod oc #cod mw2 #angst #hurt/no comfort

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sharksluvsoup · 4 months ago

Text

Night time visit

Summary: The distant cat masked Lieutenant of 141, makes an sudden pit stop at your office Wordcount: 2138 Not beta read/edited

The quiet sounds of the office fan rang through the air as an taunting whisper of how long I’ve been sat at my desk with my eyes lingered on the paperwork I had to do before the next day, yet no matter how hard I tried to focus on the task at hand, no words formed in my head.

I felt an yawn threatened to escape my mouth as my hands drummed against the desk out of pure boredom as I stared at the results of one of the mission that the task force had done today, I knew it was important to do and somewhat easy it is to do compared to other tasks I've had to do in the past, yet the words seemed to scramble into each other as if purposely trying to confuse and frustrated me, more than it normally did.

“God…I need a coffee right now” I groaned to myself, yet made no effort to stand up to fetch myself one, as my hands glided against the keyboard to write down some of the things noted down that seemed important to mention, yet once more I paused as I squinted my eyes as I tried to read what had been noted down in an rush.

“Why is the last task of the day always the most annoying one”

Before I could bash my head into my desk over and over again until the poorly written notes from the soldiers made sense; the oh so familiar footsteps of a certain cat masked Lieutenant overtook the constant buzzing of the fan, almost as if she was doing it on purpose, like she was trying to warn or alert people of her presence.

I could only wonder what she was doing here, it was quite known that Cheshire never really frequented this part of the base as much as she did with other parts.

Maybe it was out of pure boredom, maybe she needed something; I doubt I would ever find out myself; as she was quite the enigma, especially since herself as a person was truly a riddle itself…well riddle’s tend to make sense…yet, she did not.

It was honestly an enigma in itself that how she got into 141 with the lack of personal information the captain and medical staff had of her.

Yet Captain Price seemed to welcome her in with open arms, with what seemed to be little to none hesitation or doubt in his decision, even if sometimes it seemed she believed otherwise.

Maybe I was overthinking things, over complicating things that were none of my concern.

Yet, maybe I was just reading too much into it; trying to fit a notion that didn’t exist in the first place.

I shook my ridiculous thoughts, this was ridiculous. I have better things than wondering about something I would never find the answer’s to, but yet..it seemed that the questions that I had about her seemed to have made a place in my head.

My hands bounced against the keyboard once more, as I tried to distract myself from the wandering lieutenant that seemed so close by, yet I still found my thoughts wandering back to her, I sighed as I put my notes to the side as I rubbed my temples as I felt my bitterness to this task grow once more.

The sounds of her footsteps came to a sudden halt in front of the door of my office, and a brief silence filled the room that only the fan seemed to occupy. Maybe…maybe I was just hearing things…maybe my tiredness is truly getting to me now.

I sighed as I glanced at the clock and winced at how late it had gotten, where did the time go? Before I could dwell on how late it was my office door was kicked open to the side, the slamming of the door against the wall pulling me out my train of thoughts with a loud thud.

My breath got in my chest for a second, as my eyes darted to the door as I calmed down when I noticed it was just Cheshire, maybe I wasn’t going crazy. Yet, it left me wondering what was going through her head when she did that, what her intentions were. She quickly became more clear as she entered the room, her hands seemingly clutching something that ended up being blocked from my line of sight by my desk plant.

“There’s you are лепесток розы(rose petal)” she spoke out, her voice cutting me off from getting lost in my thoughts as she used one of her foots to nudge the door close, I felt my brow scrunch up slightly as I tried to wonder what ‘лепесток розы(rose petal)’ meant, for all I know it could be an insult.

“W-what…brin-” Before I could answer she placed a coffee cup down on my desk. “..I noticed you were still in your office…I figured you would need an little pick me up...to help you finish with your work for today” her voice rang out, cutting me off before I could say anything.

“It's a Dark Chocolate mocha, with cow’s milk…it’s not poisoned, I promise ” She quickly added, her voice seeming softer than usual.

I paused as I realised she had found out my regular coffee order I got everyday. “H-how..” I stammered out of confusion as my brain tried to figure out how she found that small detail about me.

Once again, she seemed to snap me out of my wandering mind as she placed down a brown paper bag next to the coffee. The smell of coffee and warm food hit my senses as I looked back up to her.

. “...didn’t want you going hungry мой лепесток розы (my rose petal)…” she admitted out of nowhere as her foot tapped against the floor, in an uneven pattern.

“It's quite late” She quickly added as her eyes under her mask seemed to linger on me.

“T-thank you…” I say feeling flabbergasted…yet honoured, it felt nice to be remembered.

“..What are you doing here so late?” I asked as I looked up at her, as she out of nowhere moved the notes I was given to the side and sat in their place on my desk instead, as I found myself blushing as I realised I was now at chest level of her, so to not be rude or crude I looked away quickly as I tried to act like my face hasn't warmed up or that my voice seemed to be stuck in my throat now.

“That's what I should be asking, what are you doing?” She butted in gently, once again leaving my questions unanswered, and not acknowledging or noticing how her action had affected me.

I found myself picking up the coffee as I looked at my computer monitor once more, as I tried to ignore how close she was or the view that seemed inches away from me, and how my heart seemed to flutter from the action she had done.

“I-i..” I paused before clearing my throat and sitting up so I didn’t make a fool out of myself as I forced a sentence out of my mouth. “I’m just finishing some support that needs to be done by tomorrow” I answered, before taking a generous sip from my coffee as the dark chocolate taste briefly calmed my thoughts, but not quite waking me up as I had hoped.

“I see…I see..” Cheshire spoke out as she crossed her legs together, in the corner of my eye I watched as she tilted my head as if planning her next action, I watched as she sat back up.

“However…there is something much more interesting you could be doing instead: мой лепесток розы (my rose petal)” I raised an eyebrow wondering what she meant, as I went to take another sip of my coffee.

“Such as?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

Before I could process what her next action or word would be she leaned in closer to me, so we would be face to face as her mask hid any expression that was on her face as she said that.

“Me, obviously, right here, right now” She answered bluntly, as if there was no other possible answer she could have said.

I found myself nearly choking on the coffee that was in my mouth, as my heart raced in my chest, as her words woke me up completely as she sat up as she bursted out laughing. “I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I promise”

“Just wanted to wake you up, before you passed out at your desk like a knock of sleeping beauty” She said between laughs, as I found myself relaxing, though feeling..disappointed slightly for some reason, I watched as she leaned back with a sigh.

I watched as she picked up the notes she had pushed aside as she winced as she looked at them. “Damn…this person who wrote this has bad handwriting.” she spoke as she placed the notes back down. “Let me guess…the person who wrote them was called sick.. Or had something they urgently had to do, and this was pushed onto you?” she asked as her eyes seemed to stare into me.

“Yeah…you’re right about that…” I admitted as I avoided her gaze.

“Well…I better not distract you for any longer. As it’s getting quite late and you need rest…”

“However, just one question I have for you and just for you” She said, as I found my curiosity of her growing once more, my breath hitched as she leaned in closer to my face, as her surprisingly soft hands gently grasped my chin as she moved her face closer to my ear, as she moved one of her hands away to move her mask slightly to the side, as if to tease me with the fact I couldn’t see her face, not even a little bit because of the angle she had put herself in.

“What is a сладкий лепесток розы (sweet rose petal) like you are doing in a job like this? After all you could be using your smarts for so many other things” She whispered into my ear, like she telling me an secret that no one else should know, I felt my grip tighten around my coffee cup as the feeling of her as the feeling of her soft breath made my body shiver slightly as the hand that she had kept on my face gently brushed near my bottom lip for an second before quickly pulling away as corrected her mask once more,

Before I could register her words to form an answer she had already left my office, I watched as the door quietly shut behind her as her footsteps quickly faded away as if she had never been here.

I found my brain overloaded with questions and curiosity about her, all seeming to entangle in each other making it hard to figure out what was what. I wonder what she meant when she asked me that question, what her implications were…

It felt strangely lonely with her now gone…even with her faint scent lingering in the room. I couldn't be catching feelings for her…right?

I barely knew anything about her…yet she seemed to care about…me and her presence seems to.. I shook the ridiculous thoughts away as I glanced at the paper bag that she left me. As I placed down the coffee before I could drop it by accident, I made sure to move the notes back onto the spot I had them originally before grabbing the paper bag. I opened it as I was greeted with a sandwich, plastic water bottle with a sticky note attached to it and a blueberry muffin that was normally out of stuck by now. I pulled the sticky note as I read it.

“Продолжай свою удивительную работу, мой сладкий лепесток розы. Не забудь позаботиться о себе, ведь база была бы не такой без твоего успокаивающего присутствия здесь. С любовью - C (Keep up the amazing work my sweet rose petal. Don't forget to take care of yourself, because the base wouldn't be the same without your calming presence here. With love - c)”

I tilted my head as I made a note to translate it later, when I had the time though it did seem to be positive. My eyes glanced at the small cat doodled she had drawn on the sticky note, as an quite reminder to future me, I stuck the note to my computer so when I saw it in the morning I would remember to translate it, I pulled the sandwich out and went back to mindlessly working on that report as the masked woman lingered in my head in the background…once more.

#cod oc #oc x reader #cod #fluff #google translate

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