silentheaven-sys

[silentheaven-sys]

i’ve been nonstop listening to a lighterwise playlist on spotify

[silentheaven-sys]

It feels so weird to… get a couple Masc alters and that’s all it took for us to cut our hair, which would’ve been previously a terrible Sin

[silentheaven-sys]

Sunturine Au

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

<< “The sacrifice committed by his sister was crucial to avoid many more martyrdoms.” Was what the senior officer had spewed out in a rehearsed manner during a private press call; yet Gallagher, looking down at the small looking 20 something year old, couldn’t avoid but think that the sacrifice had both saved and condemned the poor birdie. Switched a silvery cage for a golden one. Physically he was in the safest hands of the country! Mentally, tho, he might as well have been dead.>>

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Sunturine Au where Sunday’s family is part of a cult and Robin decides to come forward to the police for his well being. It doesn’t end well and now Sunday is left alone trying to navigate a society with a completely different belief system.

[silentheaven-sys]

i went to a convention recently and drew some cards to give to people…. 5 minutes in and i finished them already

[silentheaven-sys]

he hasn’t left the front room since that day.

My partner, working on my Dan Heng cosplay: “Hey! This is your first cosplay that you, yk, don’t have as an alter!”

Me, totally not hearing Dan Heng’s voice in my head: “Omg you’re so right!”

- 🪶

[silentheaven-sys]

i can’t believe i cried about the lack of a cis straight neurot man in my life and he ascends from the clouds screaming aventurine’s lines

[silentheaven-sys]

oh to be playing with strangers on a minecraft server and roleplay as being dark and mysterious and fail miserably - 🪶

[silentheaven-sys]

TBMC Rant / Vent

Tw: Sa mention / Religion mention

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

One day you wake up, your legs sore, your eyes burning red, and you think: Why is my purpose in life to be Violated?

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

I was programmed to be a Housewife, or something of the sort anyways. As the old host and core of the system has vanished since my arrival, and since i was one of the last to be programmed Externally, i don’t have much memory of life before.

I was born as this and I will die as this, all my memories will be this, no past, no future, just the never ending present.

I don’t believe I can be Deprogrammed.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

I think it makes sense to establish some context:

I grew up in a strict, christian Place (won’t talk extensively for safety), surrounding my house we had around 10 churches, in particular my family was very high in the ‘society’ created there, we lived in front of the priests. I preached to younger kids, I was in the chorus, even the school life was dictated by church. We did homework all together at the community center (with the church people), we would routinely be sent to the mountains to pray etc… you probably understand the gist.

Since i can remember, we’ve always wanted to be a housewife, have 3, 4 or more children. Don’t work, dress pretty, satisfy your husband. It contrasted strongly with our sexuality and gender, which was a matter of chatter for the church.

.

I think it’s something that always described us as a system, this duality, this core need to be away from the church, away from religion because we are inherently unholy, but this control they’ve instilled in us never letting us truly escape.

This duality that they even programmed in us, really.

Even now, I haven’t left fully.

I moved country, but i Haven’t left. I’m going back once every few months at least.

How can i leave?

I still want to be a housewife.

A mother.

Even if i’m a boy.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Lord, Lamb, Box and Clock were all programmed before me. Lord having re-emerged recently (As Lamb allowed us to find a tiny sub system, no idea why yet), Lamb being our first alter, from what we can recollect, and Clock being the second. Box I can’t genuinely remember.

When I, Passerine, was programmed, the body was already older, not of much sure, but older enough to cause a different need to come from our handlers.

Lord, Lamb, Box and Clock are all aggressive, loyal, guard dogs or creators of duality. Meant to act up to cause ‘delightful’ punishment. Meant to punish others. Meant to always come back.

I was made for one job and one job only.

Housewife.

Which didn’t mean just, clean the house and pop some kids as i’ve been led to believe.

It meant my body would freeze, absolute paralysis, with the use of a single Word. It meant my tongue would be caught in my mouth it meant i couldn’t speak or move but just take it over and over again even if i was bleeding.

We had another ‘trigger’ that would instead, give us a very opposite reaction, one where we were forced to beg: to be hit, to be used.

It’s still in me, it’s still something i do, i still freeze when my partner forgets he’s not supposed to say that word, i still try to get naked when his expression sours.

I still mother him, i still clean the house, i cook, i desire children, it’s my job.

Every time he holds me, caresses my hair, and he’s reassuring me it’s okay to not enjoy sex, that we can make it all better, i can only repeat

It’s my job.

It’s my job.

And i’m never getting better.

.

until 2021 i was not aware enough of who i was, what was happening.

Lamb to this day likes to lock my tongue up when he feels like his control is slipping.

When i want to say no.

.

Now, after years of therapy. I can’t say it has gotten much better really

It’s still my job.


and it hurts even worse.

[silentheaven-sys]

[silentheaven-sys]

My partner, working on my Dan Heng cosplay: “Hey! This is your first cosplay that you, yk, don’t have as an alter!”

Me, totally not hearing Dan Heng’s voice in my head: “Omg you’re so right!”

- 🪶

[silentheaven-sys]

Medical Vent

cw: mentions of sex, mentions of afab reproductive organs, blood, mentions of self harm

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Everyone feels impulses when our moral columns are threatened. I love debating personally, my psychologist has described me as someone that practices Perseverance in abundance when my columns are hit.

There is one match for me, something I seem to never be able to win over, something that blocks me Naked, sprawled open. Quiet. Compliant.

Doctors.

.

What is wrong with doctors and thinking if there’s something wrong with you, it Must be all in your head?

What is wrong with doctors and hating to do their job? I’ve seen fast food minimum wage workers more enthusiastic in giving me a ketchup packet than any doctor once i spill 300 bucks and my dignity for a visit.

.

Since i can remember sex has been incredibly painful, I started young, around 14 being my first consensual relation. Nothing ever fit, i bleed enough to ruin the mattress every single time, i’m incredibly nauseous throughout the entire act. At the start i chucked it to losing my virginity. After i’ve lost my virginity four times in the span of a month, I can’t feasibly delude myself any more.

Not only this, but since April i’ve experienced agonising pain in my lower torso, inability to use the bathroom and more painful periods.

Yet every time i go to the gyno or gastroenterologist and undress myself for the visit, i receive the same exact question:

“What are those scars on your legs?”

My diagnosis are put in the chart of the visit. Private visit, public visit, male, female, doesn’t matter.

We start discussing if i’m on meds, who is my therapist, what I used, why. Am I hiding something? Did I actually stop?

The second they see my self harm scars they lose any respect from me, serious medical questions turn to

“Have you been seeing a psychologist?”

The irony of it all, is that if it hadn’t been for my psychologist telling me my pain is very much Not in my head, I wouldn’t even had went to these visits.

The church wouldn’t have approved, my parents haven’t approved. My wallet doesn’t either and yet.

.

When i was younger I thought that if i cut myself in hidden places, like my ankles, my thighs, my stomach, than there would never be any consequence. No one thinks to look there.

.

Currently my ‘diagnosis’ from the doctors i’ve went to is:

- Your vaginal canal is short [Shallow vagina, makes sense, but the second gyno disproved it, so, make it make sense]

-Your intestines are so swollen and press against your uterus [Alright, makes sense]

-You are very constipated and your intestines has distended [no shit.]

And currently, my therapies for all these are:

- Here have some lube

- Here have a laxative

- Here have a laxative and a psychologist’s number

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Lovely.

Not even Perseverance can save me here, I can’t even debate them. Who am I to debate them?

I’m a mentally ill young adult in their eyes, nothing more, nothing less.

l’m a stranger entering their door for an half an hour long visit. In that sea of bodies they see every day.

I wonder if any of them sees me as more than a drop of water

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

New visit on the 25 of October.

Another doctor on the 16 of December.

Will update when I go. - 🪶

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

[silentheaven-sys]

making a huge ass vent rn why not - 🪶

[silentheaven-sys]

playing with papa :} @cadavers-empty-soul

[silentheaven-sys]

- 🐝 making dinner as a little in a nutshell:

screaming “miaomiaomiaomiaooo miaoo” all the time

“ouch my tongue”

“ouch my hand”

papa is Passed out in bed so i have to be quiet

i am not quiet

i want rAAAaaaAge

“ouch my foot”

trying to wage if i can put everything in front of me in the pot

waiting for papa to be proud and amazed >:}

[silentheaven-sys]

spent a solid 10 minutes biting my caretaker, yay -🐝

[silentheaven-sys]

My brain at six years old when something traumatic happened

[silentheaven-sys]

⋆₊ ♱ Intro Post ⋆₊ ♱

Hi, I’m Passerine, I’m the host of the Silent Heaven System. We’re a TBMC system currently in therapy, bodily 23.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

What I will post about:

Vents / Rants about my life, which will all have trigger warnings

Art, mostly stuff about Hsr

Aus, most of them are relatively based on my life and experience, so expect heavy topics

This blog is a big vent about our life, a cautionary tale too.

Remember, this is my space, you are a guest.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Frequent fronters:

Passerine [🪶] 21 - All pronouns - Trauma holder / Host

Father [🪽] 26 - He/Him - Trauma holder

Box [🐝] 16 - He/Bee/They - Persecutor

Clock [🩵] ?? - He/Him - Persecutor / Internal Handler

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

You can ask me questions related to Aspd, Bpd and Ocd, but it’s always better to ask professionals. Although i’ve been told i can ‘prophesy’… I am, Not a medical professional.

I’m in therapy myself. I’m no psychologist.

We will Not reply to overly personal things.

Take care - 🪶