sleepylittlemoxie - Tumblr blog

[sleepylittlemoxie]

“I don’t want to be the person you think of at 3 am when you’re lonely. I want to be the person you think of at 3 pm in the middle of a stressed out day, when you need peace.”

—

[sleepylittlemoxie]

I get so incredibly annoyed about my ex and his new girl, about the way she talks about him and gushes about him. It makes me so angry, upset and irritated.

I no longer love him, so why on earth am I angry at her for the way she's loving him? I feel like she's not loving him in the way he needs to be loved, and I'm furious at HIM for not taking better care of himself but, but, but you see. It doesn't matter—or, atleast, it SHOULDN'T matter! I'm not dating him, I don't speak to him and I have no contact with him whatsoever nor do I want it!

I just saw recent videos and pictures of him and I was horrified, angry, and so very upset. Why was he so thin and boney? Why were his eyes so damned haggard and lifeless? Why does he look like that?

But maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who wants to see it in him? Whatever it is, I'm angry with myself. Why do I feel this way? I don't want to care about him like that and I most definitely do not want to be concerned on how he chose to live his life.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

I saw a video where he was talking and I was looking at him like he was the world. Can you believe it? I looked at him like he was the whole world, and he still chose to do that to me.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

Does she know?

That you kept my love language, drawings, and my clothes?

That while you pretended to be with her, you were with me all the time up until the moment I cut you off?

Does she know what a horrible human you are?

Or is she exactly like you, and doesn't care enough to question the morality of such things?

Perhaps that's why you two are perfect for each other.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

This little diary blog is such a relief, and a safe place for me. I can unload all my thoughts, pain, yearnings and musings, without worrying about getting seen or heard by people who actually know me. Unleashing everything here means I don't have to do it on Twitter and I think that's important.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

it's insane how much scenes in movies hurt me. The scenes where someone cheats, decieve their partner and lies. I physically can't bear to watch those kind of scenes and it's frustrating to me when I mirror the hurt.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

After you've seen me in pain from what we've done, after you'd seen how much I broke, how could you still have the heart to do that to me? Did you love me at all?

If you had even half of the love I had for you, you would never have been able to even entertain the thought of hurting me.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

I'm fine but why do I feel like dying?

[sleepylittlemoxie]

So you're telling me that my body became weak because my heart has been so badly shattered and that means all of me is now in a constant state of fragile?

[sleepylittlemoxie]

Days when Loneliness visits

There are days where my heart feels like someone is squeezing it, days where my mind flicks through memories like channels on an old tv only to pause on random moments and freeze. On those kind of days, loneliness feels more like a person, a person that's saying goodbye and for some strange reason, I don't want them to say goodbye. Loneliness is like a person who makes me feel sad, makes me feel like I'm being left behind.

On those days, I let Loneliness come see me. I cry a little at the memories, I let my heart ache, and I allow Loneliness to engulf me in a hug, even if I don't want it. And when I feel like I'm ready, I get up and say my goodbyes to Loneliness.

After all, Loneliness comes by for only a few fleeting moments, but their presence is heavy and carries with them the memories that make you feel things you try not to dwell on. Loneliness may come and visit me sometimes, but I know that I just have to accept their presence and when I'm ready, I can send them on their way again.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

I hope that when you think of me, your heart breaks.

I hope that everytime I cross your mind, even for a moment, you lose a little bit of your sanity.

And I hope that everytime you sleep, your arms ache with longing.

I hope you feel what I had felt, and I wish you would realize my pain comes not from a place of anger, but from somewhere broken.

[sleepylittlemoxie]

Nothing quite like unveiling pain you didn't know you had.

My brother went out today and came home late, as most 19-year-old dudes, and at some point he tried to call me but I'd missed the call. So I called him back.

But he didn't pick up.

Heating the phone ring and ring and ring made my heart hurt, tightened my chest and made me feel unable to breathe.

The call went to voicemail.

I called again, and again, and again. Worried for him, but also reminding myself he was a kid and didn't want to answer his big sister's calls. We knew where he was, who he was with and when he would be back.

But because I had missed his ONE call, I tried to reach out multiple times but received no response.

The phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing. It felt endless. Clicking to voicemail again, and again, and again.

I just needed him to pick up. Just pick up and drop atleast a single word, a single sentence so I know everything is fine.

As my sister gives me a strange look for going into a little panic, I realized I was overreacting. It wasn't normal the way I was feeling.

Why was I feeling sick at hearing the call go through, feeling sick at waiting for the person to pick up?

I hate that sound.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Endless Ringing. Click to voicemail.

My brother came home, fine and normal. His phone was on silent.

But I realized that him being home didn't ease the pain, the sickening feeling in my gut, the heaviness in my chest.

It's me.

There's something wrong with me.

I go to the bathroom and burst into tears; something of the past has stabbed open a wound I didn't know I had, a wound amongst so many that there was no way I would have noticed it.

Is this a new pain, a new trigger?

The sound of waiting for the other person to pick up. Praying that they pick up? The awful ringing, the awful voicemail?

It squeezes my chest and angry tears run down my face. How could I be so fucking traumatized over even the most mundane of things?

[sleepylittlemoxie]

Today, as I sat in the backseat of a car with music in my ears, you crossed my mind.

I wondered if you thought about me the way I had thought about you. I wondered if there were days when, perhaps, you wanted to be alone-- just so that you could sit and close your eyes, to remember the details of my face, of my smile, of when I looked at you with love. I wondered if you did that, because there were days when *I* did that.

I then wondered if you remembered me at all, me whom you'd spent 5 years of your life with, sharing our beds, crying and laughing together, going for long rides and watching the sunset and sunrise... Did you remember me at all? I remembered you, I remember you, and perhaps, I will continue to remember you. It hurt before, it not longer hurts, and now I know, it will not hurt me in the future. Perhaps this musing was simply to remember a love once mine, once beautiful, but now just a reminder of the sadness my heart has gone through, and survived.

As cars passed by me on the road back home, the music faded out as my thoughts grew louder and my heart ached just a little bit, all because you crossed my mind. A voice in my head whispered, soft, broken, hurt; did you sometimes not want to go back to her just so you could be alone for a little while simply... simply because you wanted to remember me?

Or was it just me, the sad little romantic in me, who wished you thought these things? Are you even capable of it?

With what you had done to ruin this little romantic heart of mine with all your selfish, greedy, shallow wants, are you even capable of missing a love that once was yours?