sojuandtequila

[sojuandtequila]

be my redemption. be my undoing.

[sojuandtequila]

I suppose what it means, is --

I need not be caressed by it to be comforted by it's presence --

In the night, when I wake, the sight alone of the glow of the moon could put me at ease --

It needs to do nothing but exist --

And I am happy with that.

Intangible, beautiful, ethereal, and ephemeral --

I would take the soft and kind light of La Lune over the blinding light of Sol, any moment, from here to forever --

I just like when it's around, regardless of the form it's presence takes --

So I call you by it's name, because in a way, you make me feel the same --

"Moonlight." V. Rue, 2025.

[sojuandtequila]

I want it to be you, badly so that I rip myself apart and replaces it with shadows of her I could find from your words

I trace the image of her; the way you describe her, adore her, long for her.

I puzzle it all together, and it gnaws at me at the impossibility

My prayers slowly changed from how I wished you would love me, to how much I wish I could be her, how I wish I were her

If I were skinny like her, pretty like her, bright like her, would you have looked at me just a second longer?

Disney was wrong. Tale as old as time is not two beautiful strangers who grow to long and yearn for one another in love.

Tale as old as time is a girl who sacrifices her all to be with him, she pleads to be the protagonist in his story but remained as a background character who eventually dissipates into bubbles.

[sojuandtequila]

I love you. But there is no butterfly in my stomach or the thumping sound from my heart. My mind doesn’t race when I see you and I don’t feel rushed to have you.

But being with you feels like a firefly in my stomach. It lights up my day, you make me brave on my darkest day. You are there, and you are warm.. consistently, continuously and comfortably. My mind finds you in every corner of my thought and memories.

I am not sure if this is what love supposed to be like, because it is different than any other love I’ve felt before. Because I adore you too much to lose you, I’d rather keep you at arm length for a long time than to ruin what we have

[sojuandtequila]

You stopped by my door and came into my house uninvited.

You needed someone, so I let you sit there for a while

Time passes by and I grow to like your presence.

When it’s time for you to leave, I am left behind here with the shadow of you

And here I am sitting, not knowing what to do

I still wait for you by the door and wonder when will you come next?

Maybe tomorrow, in a year or never. But I wait nonetheless, for you to rest inside my house again.

[sojuandtequila]

We were together in our head,

Got married in an island with marsupial as our guest.

We faced the sunset as we uttered our vows,

You put a ring on my finger,

It was not diamond but sapphire as we discussed

You kissed my lips and I smiled

We closed our eyes and forever suddenly didn’t sound so bad

But you woke up one day, glanced at me and said

“This isn’t what i want anymore”

And I begged you to stay, in all the ways I could think of

I blamed myself for the longest times, posing endless questions of what could I have done differently— maybe I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough or good enough.

But I saw your hand wrapped around another girl downtown

I realised that, I am enough.

I have always been good enough. It was not me who made you leave. It was you and your greed

I would have given you everything had you stayed. And all I could is to give myself everything I would have given you

It is time to love myself, all over again

[sojuandtequila]

It is empty. It feels empty, and yet my chest is heavy.

I suck up the air as much as I could but it doesn’t fill my lungs

My mind wander into spaces and open up doors it shouldn’t even be : memories

Trying to fill up the emptiness with some memories we made— before it swallow me hollow and sink me deeper into despair

— We break promises, as our memories break us

[sojuandtequila]

You probably have found someone

Is she prettier than me? Slender? Sexier? Better?

Is she smarter? Funnier? Kinder?

Does she remember little things about you like I did? Did she tell you how much she is proud of you everyday like I did?

Did she hug you and caress your face like I did? did she make you laugh like I did?

Did she listen to your stories and took notes of your likes and dislikes like I did?

I am not saying I am better, but I am trying to understand why was I not good enough but she does

[sojuandtequila]

Had I done something different, would it be different? Would the storyline change?

Or have you decided the ending on your own and would still end things anyways?

Were you just waiting for me to slip up and use it against me?

Is there even anything I could do? Even then, was there anything I could have done to change the ending?

Hundreds of questions running through my mind. But as heavy as my chest gets, as much tears swell up, I won’t ask, I won’t pry.

I just hope you’d occasionally think of me and wonder why did we have to end this way.

[sojuandtequila]

You made everything about you, and how every little conversation an argument to be won

You did not see my effort trying, you only saw me as a kid begging

You did not see my effort communicating, you only saw it as me pestering

You did not see that it was us against the problem, you only saw it as you vs me.

You did not see what we had was worth fighting for, you walked out the door once you realised it was not all rainbows and sparkles.

You liked me because I was a mystery, a persona you wanted to win over

Like a game, I was played to be overcome and soon forgotten once grew bored of

I should have known better. I should have seen it coming. And I hate it now that we don’t talk

[sojuandtequila]

It was 2.30am on a random Friday night

We were out and running, living our best life together

You told me you liked me, kissed my cheeks and ran your fingers through my hair

We giggled and smiled as the world was silent and asleep

We had each other’s although the world might have disappointed us.

It is 4.30am on Sunday morning. The sun has yet to rise, and here I am lying awake missing you and the idea of what we could have been

You made me feel wanted but woke up one day deciding I am no longer what you want anymore

Love, don’t I deserve to know why?

Love, don’t I deserve a little more?

You have no idea how much I am trying not to run back to you and to beg you to take me back— but I won’t

— you let me go so easily, if only you knew I would have given you the world had you let me.

[sojuandtequila]

Is life better now without me?

Do you have more time for yourself now, without someone like me?

All I wanted was to love you but you see it as needy.

All I wanted was to care for you, but see me as liability

I hope you are happy, but not that happy

I hope you are sad every now and then,

I hope you are lonely, and you regret me

I hope you long for what we could have been

But most of all I hope that our memories haunt you every night

I hope you check your phone as often as I do, and you wish I would call— and get disappointed each time time that I didn’t

[sojuandtequila]

You liked me first, even when I didn’t like myself

And you persevere,

You kept pursuing me

You cherished me, you loved me

To the point I started to believe

Then you left

Just when I started to think

That we could happen

What a tragedy

[sojuandtequila]

I didn’t pickup your call last week,

I don’t even remember what was I doing,

Sweet nothing, probably.

But I did not know that would be the last time you ring me up

I did not know that kiss was our last

I did not know that hug was our last

Our sweet little story is coming to an end

And I am sorry I was not what you wanted

But I am more sorry to me,

I put myself last for someone like you

[sojuandtequila]

I blanket myself in our memories, peeking a glimpse of what could have been. I romanticise them. Maybe too much. I know I am gullible that way.

Twisting and turning in my own delusion, I am tangled in this nightmare. Always knew that you would never be mine, but I’d give you everything if you’d let me have just tiny bits of you.

I was a willing accomplice you were happy to toy with but have grown bored of. It is not me, but I can’t help to feel like I worth less than before you found me.

I am a used toy you have grown bored of. But I sit here collecting dust hoping one day you’d pick me and play with me again

[sojuandtequila]

I would easily drop everything for you

But you would drop me from your life just as easily.

[sojuandtequila]

I am a passenger in your car, sitting at the backseat to everything else in your life

I willingly stayed there through silence and laughters.

I thought my company would somewhat be of a little comfort

For when you look back you’ll always have me

When the car gets too full, you drop me off first in the sidewalk.

Because among all the loads you are bearing, I am the easiest to let go.

Funny, isn’t it. I am last on your list yet the first one you tick off when it gets inconvenient.