solongsentimentt - Tumblr blog

[solongsentimentt]

“I loved you more than you deserved, fucker. ―You Didn’t Deserve a Thing.”

—

[solongsentimentt]

🌹 a flower for everyone not feeling their best today

[solongsentimentt]

TRIGGER WARNING: Below will mention dark themes such as: selfharm, eating disorders, depression and anxiety!!

This is not to glorify anything, I'm just in a dark place right now and writing helps me cope

I guess it's true what they say.. the higher you get the harder you fall...

I've been doing good, my depression had been under control, my self-harming under control.

But then I start to slip in one area of my life.. and suddenly it feels like the mountain I'm climbing turns to ice, and then I'm sliding, and no matter how hard I try to hold on, no matter how bloody my hands get from clawing desperately at the ground in front of me, and it works some, my hands are finally able to find purchase and slow my fall into the darkness I so desperately tried to outrun and I breathe a small breath of relief. My head pressed to the cold ground and then I feel it before I see it.. the dreadful sinking feeling in your gut, that feeling that something isn't right. When I lift my head eyes heavy from exhaustion I see it, sliding

down...

down.....

down.....

and all I can do is hang there and watch my mental health, my school work, my eating disorder all fly past me at once down into the darkness I worked so hard to get out of.

I watch with tears in my eyes knowing that as they fly past there is nothing I do could possibly stop this. No matter how hard I try to dig my bloodied fingers into the ice, fingers that have long gone numb from the cold and pain, that once they pass they will drag me down into the darkness below. All I can do now is wait for the inevitable.

With my heart in my throat and tears streaming down my face I take one last breath of air as I tip my head back to the sky and take a final look at the scene above knowing this will be the last time I see the beautiful painting of a sunset for a long time and as I hang there admiring the beautiful shades of purples, oranges, pinks, and blues all mixing together to forming a picture of peace giving me a fleeting moment comfort wrapping me in a blanket of false content, that maybe things will be ok. Then just as quickly as it comes I'm ripped out of the false comfort by the jarring yank of the ropes losing their slack ripping my fingers from where they found purchase and I fall staring up at the once peaceful picture above me watching it turn dark as storm clouds roll in adding to the darkness just below. Then nothing and everything happens at once and suddenly that horrible feeling of falling shifts with a harsh clash of body and water.

I hear it before I feel it, the deafening muffled sound of when you have plummeted into water everything is somehow louder and yet quiet, and then everything catches up to me, the sting of the fridged water, as I sink I get a false sense of peace watching the light above me glimmering through the water as I sink further below the surface and all I can do is watch the light fade and the bubbles float away from me, and then I feel nothing the ice of the water numbing my senses, my emotions, my mind. till I can do nothing but watch my surroundings fade leaving me in nothing but darkness as I slowly float down feeling just as my surroundings, nothing but emptiness.

The craziest part of it all is I'm sitting there watching the people around me walk around and breathe like nothing is wrong and as I open my mouth to speak water floods my lungs and I'm helpless to watch the words I desperately want to say bubble up from my throat out from my mouth as I scream for help but instead I'm silently drowning unable to call for help, so I sink slowly and quietly into my watery grave of darkness waiting, hoping that someone will notice I'm downing. but I know better. I know that the only person that will save me will be myself, but I'm unsure how many more times I can manage to claw my way out of the darkness and back up the mountain of recovery.... so I will lay here, for how long I'm unsure but I know that each time I take longer and longer to find the will to pull myself from the darkness surrounding me, for each of my limbs feel as if they are being pressed into the cold hard ground below me with an invisible force that refuses to let up, crushing me forcing all the air out of my lungs further silencing me and I know that the only way I will gain freedom from this place is relying on the choices I have yet to face. will I allow the darkness to fully consume me or fight the exhausting fight.. and right now the darkness feels like peace.... so i think i will just lay here... just for a moment longer...

Who knows maybe for once someone will notice that I'm drowning... maybe just maybe someone will reach out to pull me from the darkness....

[solongsentimentt]

“You said you didn’t want to lose me but you weren’t even trying to keep me.”

— Unknown

[solongsentimentt]

Cause I'm at an all time low.....

[solongsentimentt]

I've been hiding my depression for the last few month cause I've made it to college, so yay me... but like it seems like now that I'm here evrytime I turn around something happens and now I'm failing a class and I feel like I'm downing... I don't know how I can keep going at this point. I'm so tired...I've started to self harm again and starve myself and idk how to stop... how to reach out and admit I need help..

[solongsentimentt]

I'm officially the world's worst person.... my best friend is having surgery to get her gallbladder removed and I didn't stay cause I wasn't sure if I could due to the pandemic and I guess she could have someone there with her and I was supposed to be that person... I just gonna go jump off a building or something...

[solongsentimentt]

Have you ever just put all of your trust into someone and fell for them so deeply, only to have them leave you? And your just sitting there like... I have no one else to blame but myself and so you just sit there tearing yourself down over everything you should have done differently? And when you get down to your core you realize how fucking stupid you were for fucking trusting someone? Like. i knew this would happen, I don't get love, that's just not in my cards I guess.

[solongsentimentt]

[solongsentimentt]

Alessia Cara // Out Of Love

[solongsentimentt]

"The first thing I do when I wake up is miss you,

The last thing I do before I sleep is miss you."

- I can't wait to sleep next to you

[solongsentimentt]

I miss being in love with you.

I miss the comfort that I found only within your gaze. I miss the warmth I felt, only within your smile. I miss the security I felt, only within your arms. I miss having my world revolve solely around you. I simply just miss being in love with you, and I would do anything to get it back.

[solongsentimentt]

You were my most painful “almost”...

[solongsentimentt]

I’m temporary.

I’ll always be temporary.

[solongsentimentt]

“people like me don’t get happy endings”

—

[solongsentimentt]

As it all crumbles

A letter to them

It's a new pain heartbreak, true heartbreak. I never understood it till it happened. Never truly understood the pain. I had watched and comforted friends and family when they went through a heartbreak and i still wasn't prepared for it..

Feeling the void suddenly appearing in my chest, and my lungs, my lungs felt as if someone is just crushing my chest, leaving me gasping for air as sobs tear themselves from my throat. My legs turned to jelly leaving my leaning against a wall. Feeling cold and empty and broken, shattered and worthless

Now I've lived with depression for as long as I can remember, so long that it's normal and I live with it, I know how it affects me and how I can try to cope with it.

But this, this is a whole new depression, It's wrapped itself around me, dragging me deeper into the dark, leaving me hallow, and a ghost of myself, I no longer feel like I am in the driver's seat, just on autopilot watching life go by. The lack of hunger and sleep is astonishing to me.

It seems as if when they left all the color and joy went with them. All hope and plans for the future crumbled away before me.

The tidal waves of emotions slamming into me all at once hurt, sadness, anger, abandonment, betrayal, regret, love, understanding.

I think the thing that kills me the most is catching myself forgetting that you broke up with me, ill find myself doing something and wanting to show you, or the fact that you encouraged me to go for my dreams and now I can't even tell you that I got into the college you encourage me to apply for, you where the first person that came to my mind and that knocked the air out of my lungs.

And I still love you and that's what hurts, I know you broke up with me because there is stuff going on in your life that you are trying to deal with it I tried to support you and shower you with love and affection, and I understand needing to get your life back on track, but you don't have to do that alone, but what I don't understand is, why couldn't you lean on me.. I would have been your shoulder to lean on, I would have helped you with everything going on, and been there the every step of the way.

You used to tell my i was fucked because the only way I was getting ride of you was I'd I broke up with you, I loved it when you said that, it made me laugh and filled me with love. And now I can't help but feel like that was a lie.

But even after all that hurt, all that heartbreak, I still wish the best for you, i hope everything gets back on track for you and that you have an amazing life and find someone who makes you happy. And don't get me wrong, I really wish I was that person for you because you where that person for me.

I hope maybe in time we can be friends like you hope, but right now I need time to put myself back together, because right now I feel so alone and broken.

[solongsentimentt]

It kills me...

It kills me to see my boyfriend get drunk everyday and not being able to say anything to him. Hes not a mean drunk, hes super loving, but everyday after work he gets drunk, im not sure there has been a single day this month that he has been sober for more than two days in a row and its getting harder to watch and not get annoyed when I hear him say he's going to go get a beer, because I know, I know that means hes about to get drunk, not the "im going to have a few beers" he doesn't get buzzed he gets drunk, and im not sure what to do. And that's what kills me because I live him but I don't want to see him drink his life away..