sooconfusedsomd

[sooconfusedsomd]

One of my med school friends committed suicide today. He was one of the smartest person I knew, in a good residency program, happily married with a family. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Idk what to think or say.

[sooconfusedsomd]

DOCTOR STRANGE Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022) dir. Sam Raimi

[sooconfusedsomd]

Wanda, your children aren’t real. You created them using magic. That’s what every mother does.

[sooconfusedsomd]

I’m officially a doctor 🎉

[sooconfusedsomd]

Again….Why can’t I find something simple and with a nice ending. I want to experience Friends again. Or HIMYM. Or B99. Yes, it’s unrealistic. But it’s simple. Is that too much to ask.

🎬 Normal People (2020) dir. Lenny Abrahamson & Hettie Macdonald

[sooconfusedsomd]

🎉 I’m going to be an ER doc!!! 🎉

[sooconfusedsomd]

No no no no no no

F*ck whoever made this post.

I saw this post and started binging the series. And then I got to episode 5.

Noooiooooooo. Just no.

in which Detective Colin Zabel finally took his shot. // Mare of Easttown Ep 5

[sooconfusedsomd]

Eating my feelings as as I sit at 0 interview invites.

This has nothing (and absolutely everything) to do with me starting to watch the Great British Baking show and not being able to sit through even one episode without wanting to eat stuff. I wish I was even half as talented.

[sooconfusedsomd]

Can I go back to kindergarten and start all over again?

[sooconfusedsomd]

67 and 240–I was not prepared for this y’all. RIP Ji-Yeong

And Ali. And 1. Ugh

[sooconfusedsomd]

Post ERAS, Message to Residency Programs:

[sooconfusedsomd]

In other news, did a Peds EM away at my home *big* city and loved it. The residents were awesome. The attendings were amazing and on a first name basis with the residents. I had like 15 shifts and they all went by too quickly. I wasn’t considering programs here tbh since I liked the smaller med school where I’m at. But now I’m honestly hoping to match this program!!!

[sooconfusedsomd]

Just finished binging All American in like the past 5 days…

I should be studying for step 2 which I take in a week…ugh…Why is it I can binge the most tv right before a major exam? Like I need to do well on step 2. EM cares about step 2. Ugh

[sooconfusedsomd]

Peds or EM???? EM or peds???? Peds or EM????

Loved my peds sub i. Also loving EM so far.

[sooconfusedsomd]

Got the moderna vaccine and god my arm is sore. A little headache but otherwise no side effects. I haven’t been able to sleep on my left (vaccine arm side) for two days though. And as a terrible all-over-the-place sleeper I don’t like it.

But so far I’m still alive. I haven’t grown any new appendages nor do I have a sudden fascination with Bill Gates.

Hopefully, more med students can get the vaccines and we can do aways or at least in person interviews. I mean I know it sucks for the current m4s but hopefully this means things are going in the right direction.

[sooconfusedsomd]

Peds or EM?

Peds or EM? I loved my Peds rotation (granted census was low b/c ya know). I even tolerated Peds outpatient clinic. But I like the EM lifestyle more. Do procedures, take as many or as little shifts, no need to be on call, and it gives me time to do things outside of medicine. Also I can’t see myself giving up a pt population and not being a generalist. And thank god for no rounding. But then I remember my first peds pts--wellness check for two 7 year old twins and how they were so cute and similar yet so different.

ugh

I can’t decide 

[sooconfusedsomd]

Let’s talk about loneliness.

I’m not a therapist or doctor, but as a hospital chaplain, I’ve seen the terrible and awful effects of loneliness on mental health. The problem is that it’s tough to admit, almost embarrassing to say, “I’m hurting from loneliness.”

Loneliness is a double-bind in that in order to find comfort, it requires reaching out to people or for people to be near. But some of us have been alone so long, it’s unthinkable that we can connect with another human without risking rejection—which fuels more loneliness.

The unhelpful reply I hear to “I’m lonely�� is “Why don’t you just make friends?” But that’s like saying, “Why don’t you just get rich?” or “Why can’t you just go to the gym?” We’re already in deficit, a lap behind, because we fear connection in proportion to how alone we feel.

It’s difficult to make friends and keep them. It’s hard to have real friendships that are not just functional transactions. Even when someone is surrounded by crowds or well connected, they may be the loneliest people on earth, because all their “friends” are transactional.

I don’t know the answer to loneliness. But I know what the answer is not: We can’t just snap out of it. We can’t just cure it with a party, a bar, a church, a dating app. It requires intentional investment and yes, the risk of rejection. The opposite of loneliness is courage.

Friends, this week may be lonely. This season can be brutal. They can remind you of all that’s missing. As trite as it sounds: You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. May you find the courage to reach out, to enter the possibilities of love in all its heaven and heartache.

— J.S.