sparkrambles

[sparkrambles]

I need to cook me some FEEL GOOD food and vibe to a couple of sweet sweet genres. These past few weeks have so taken it out of me. I barely eat. I need a day to treat myself like a queen ffs :)

[sparkrambles]

Sometimes we get so frustrated that life isn't giving us what we want, what we are constantly looking for. It can sound like an empty thing, but I am coming to accept that the real way to happiness is not to seek but to give, continuously give.

Nothing is ever guaranteed for us, but we can create a consistent path to meaning and fulfilment when we give without expecting in return.

Don't put yourself or stay in dangerous and draining situations, but treat all with kindness, deserving or not. Trust that good things will come back to you because the universe, because God, because whatever you choose to believe in has got your back. That there is someone out there who cares or will care about you too.

Remember that you are your home, and that on the days where life seems to have abandoned you and you feel run dry, that you have all that you need and all you will ever need right where you are, at home.

Life isn't fair, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to fight against the compelling despair, stop seeking, start creating. No one has ever made a change by doing what everyone else was already doing. Be brave, step out, be different. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Life is scary, but you'll be okay. You're not alone in your journey.

Keep your mind open, your wants dear, but allow no one to be an excuse not to let your light shine. Brighten someone else's day even when you can't see your own path ahead. It will come back to you in time.

[sparkrambles]

Sometimes, I don't know what to say to others. I used to think it was because I was being too selfish to help them. But sometimes I don't know what to say to myself either. I just lose the energy to be positive and optimistic and all those great things. I guess today is going to be a quiet day.

[sparkrambles]

Thankful for the stranger who smiled at my dad yesterday after he apologised for accidentally inconveniencing him. Little things like that, they bring me joy and give me some hope.

[sparkrambles]

I used to think that people who don't have any or many friends must constantly be in a state of crippling loneliness and depression, barely hanging on by a thread. I am coming to learn that truly, not all of them are. Not all of them are in constant need of me to be some saviour, and those who are only need a saviour because they do not yet understand how to be the one to save themselves.

To be alone may not be the ideal state we were made to be in forever, but it is a state of being I have so deeply misunderstood for so long.

It's true what they say, that solitude isn't the same thing and loneliness. And I thought, yeah, okay, I know that. But I never really actually *truly* understood it and respected solitude as something that is so essential for our well-being. Not something that should happen every once in a while by accident.

It is that time we spend befriending ourselves before we go out and look for the lost pieces of our wholeness in others that makes connections healthy and meaningful and pleasant. Truly, we must learn to enjoy the company of ourselves before we can actually really ever fully appreciate that of others.

I never had a solid chance to be loved or learn to love myself. I'm only now learning that it isn't some cynical extreme, something to be ashamed of, a life sentence or something to fear wander alone. It is an opportunity.

Allow the aloneness to counsel you, don't let the loneliness get to you. You are your home, and you always have been. So treat yourself like you belong there. Get to know yourself, be there for yourself. Nothing is wrong with you. You will be okay.

28/03/22

[sparkrambles]

Why wasn't I able to take that time. Hmm. Needs more work.

[sparkrambles]

[x] realisation that many of the things I do in life are repeated cycles in which something gives me pleasure and makes me feel content or certain, but anxiety rises up just as quickly as it left and it is all short-lived and the cycle must begin again. i do not currently know why I do this. i have strained relationships with it.

28/03/22

[sparkrambles]

I think that before I tackle patience, I must master self-control

[sparkrambles]

sometimes, that which we cannot learn in the calm, we must learn through hardship

[sparkrambles]

i am the thing that's too hard to love

[sparkrambles]

mother's touch

[sparkrambles]

wandering in some direction

losing myself

or already lost

surviving

being dramatic

[sparkrambles]

bday was a little empty, ngl

no idea why i allowed myself to get worked up over it

guess it's done now

i always swear it isn't gonna be a big deal and it's the last thing i wanna talk about on the day and then it always ends up kind of the same

only now i have even more regrets

i don't know

i think i imagine possibilities that either aren't there, or like to pretend that those which are there aren't all too often

i really want that hug :(

wish more things went perfectly but hey, that's life i guess

I've just been anxious lately

anxious and angry and tired and apprehensive and everything

but ok enough to love life enough :)

[/obvious ramble]

[sparkrambles]

I think my former self has become lost. Or maybe I've just forgotten.

[sparkrambles]

How many times will I keep running back to what hurts me, thinking it has the power to heal me?

[sparkrambles]

watch her crave it.

watch her come back.

[sparkrambles]

I guess I kind of want to spread the positive vibes on my own terms? I don't know, I'm cautious. Curious but cautious.