spotlightsontherunway - Tumblr blog

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I try to make my face look pretty to make up for the fact my body doesn't look like the IT girls and never will

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the barbie movie as a trans person who was born female is missing the part of you that you hate the most. relating to yet also being far from the feminine character and the struggles of women as someone who identifies outside of that label.

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I made my way out of the barbie movie sobbing.

a vulnerable moment that I normally have in private displayed for the other women who had watched the same movie.

I don't know if they felt the same thing I did. I couldn't see for the tears, but I think our individual reactions to the realisation of the impossibility of womanhood may only differ slightly. maybe they weren't openly sobbing like I was, but I hope they were feeling.

feeling because they understood the words of the movie. they laughed when it was funny, they gasped when allen jumped out from the back seat of the car. but I think any woman, any woman old enough to realise the real world isn't all that it seems, to relate to the experiences of Margot Robbie's barbie as she steps foot in the increasingly disappointing, patriarchal "real world", any woman who has lived, would have understood the point, the message, the meaning. what it is to be a woman.

I feel like as a society we try to move away from femininity as we grow older. our weaker, less heard, more sexualised side is pushed under. being a woman is associated with being weak, therefore femininity is a weakness. and I felt, personally, this movie encapsulated that. it encapsulated how difficult it is to be appreciated as a woman.

but I also think it made me miss girlhood. our individual experiences of girlhood are different, by far. but it made me miss the little girl who wore flowery Laura Ashley dresses with little Mary Jane's. the little girl who would look at the older girls in ballet with admiration. the little girl who thought the outside world was equal. "I have a girl headteacher, women also have important jobs!"

the little girl who could have related to Barbie facing the real world and realising nothing is good for her.

so I cried at the Barbie movie. I felt it, I felt it all.

I cried for women, seen, heard, never appreciated

I cried for that little girl, for all little girls who are yet to know the horrors of the real world

I cried because I missed the innocence of girlhood.

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I went to the doctor today,

he told me my happiness was a lie

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sometimes I feel guilty for just existing

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I hold myself

because I am new to this cruel world

I am cold, hungry

and nobody understands who I am

I hold myself

because my feelings are too big

and my protests at loud noise

are met with more loud noise 

I hold myself

because these people are scary

I can't do what I want

and this shirt is scratchy 

I hold myself

because none of my friends like me

they all ran away from the swings

a wall of hippo noises and laughter

I hold myself

because I am too big for ballet

pink tights don't do anything for my thighs

and nobody else looks like me

I hold myself

because teenagers are worse than I thought

and I am left alone once again

with my thoughts and deep red ink

I hold myself

because I've realised I am odd

they stare at boys walking past them

mouths agape. I'm staring at the girlfriends

I hold myself

because my girlfriend of 3 months

told me I had big breasts

even though she knows I despise them the most

I hold myself

because there is nothing for me to do

except listen and wait

and sit, and wait, and wait some more

I hold myself

because it seems I've finally found them

the friends I've always wanted. but 

they always forget to invite me out?

I hold myself

because the girl I like forgets me

and I don't know if I like her

or she's just the only kind person I know 

I hold myself

because grandma had a stroke

auntie and uncle have incurable cancer

and grandad had open heart surgery 

I hold myself

because I am a puffy eyed teenager

who thinks too much and doesn't understand implications

who writes in their bedroom at night the thoughts they can never say

I hold myself

because I am the only one who will.

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TS UK DATES I REPEAT TS UK DATES

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Our Love is Red

a poem by Ollie

Our love is red

But not the type that taylor wrote,

Ours isn't a burning passion,

a consuming desire like rage

Our love is red

Like a strawberry, the fruit

that makes your heart stronger

I am stronger when i am with you

Our love is red

The bricks between the cement

of our home. The foundation of

our being, our essence, our lives

Our love is red

Like the beauty of a post war poppy,

our love remembered after death, a field

of flowers, all for me and you

Our love is red

Like the wine you bring to my mum,

like your hair as it dances in the sunlight,

like the blanket we sleep under on those cold, winter nights

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reblog if you want more interaction w your lovely followers

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all of my friends went out without me and that cliche of the friend who walks behind the group feels way too real rn

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Old house

a poem by Ollie. [tw: mentions of death]

put the windows all the way down

as you drive past your old life

take in the faded perfume of innocence

and grass you used to hide in

stare into the freshly coated windows

showing off a vase of day old flowers

that have no idea how much time 

we lost in the brick cage of home

the light emits a strong yellow glow

that makes you smile, grateful 

for the new owners and their happy little

lives that trample your lonely childhood

your heart yearns to remember fully 

who you used to be, the carelessness,

the gifted, talented, happy young girl

who was not bound by your labels

cradle this feeling, my boy,

like the dead dog you wanted but never got

hold it steady in your arms

and wait for the results of your death.

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There's a monster in my bed!

- a poem by Ollie [tw: ED mentions]

there's a monster in my bed

she sneers at me, nothing said

feasting on my worthless dreams

ripping me open at the seams

my pretty monster lives under

the bed where I hid from thunder

no-mans-land is my bedroom floor

cause neither side will win the war

my model monster calls to me

she tells me who I'm supposed to be

she keeps me wrapped around her finger

so even all these feelings linger

my weightless monster is a theif

every night she causes grief

in the kitchen, in our jars

she even seems to take the stars

my gym girl monster makes me full

she stuffs my stomach full of wool

so much so that I feel sick

she always makes my body ick

there's a monster in my head

she doesn't want me to be fed

it's cling film thighs and soiled minds

it's my love that she unwinds

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A little bit about me...

I'm Ollie, I'm 18 and I write poetry in my spare time!!

my Instagram is @/olliesboxofthoughts

I am genderfluid, but mainly use they/them pronouns

I'm usually an infrequent poster, but I do try my best!

in September I'm going to be a law student at university (exciting!!!)

leave any requests for poems in my asks and I'll get back to as soon as!!