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[sscarn]

I know that as time continues to pass I will get over what once was between us, but for some reason I cannot let it go. I think for me you were a version of true love that I’ll never know again. The way you touched me felt different from any other, but the way you looked at me was even more undeniable, at least that one fateful

Summer. I could feel you undress me with your eyes. It was almost eery in the most heartwarming way and I yearn for that again, but I know, I will Never have it. And it saddens me that with each passing day, our time together continues to grow farther apart, because I know that even if you were meant for me, you would never be mine. My thoughts race sometimes and you are all that is in my mind. I will fight myself to remember why we are not together and sometimes it hurts worse. I’m not sure if it’s because my feelings are so strong and I am sad that we will Never get the chance to let the real passion flow between us or that my heart yearns to feel the way it did when I was with you. You made me feel so special, you ignited a fire inside me that burns only the slightest bit anymore, but I want to feel it so badly again. I’ve tried to let you go completely but it never lasts, I always find a reason to stop pretending you don’t exist and that that one summer was in fact, non-fictional.

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Have you ever been touched where you felt like the person touching you was actually touching your soul? You get those goose bumps that go all the way down your back and can feel it in your toes? Well imagine getting that feeling when they look at you. I don’t know if it’s actually love or just the most intense feeling I’ve ever felt, but either way, it was worth every second. It happened again when I went to visit him.

I picked up and left my family and took a trip out to Colorado to find myself. I actually found myself at his job waiting for him to get out of work. I was 31, but felt like a 15 yr old waiting for their boyfriend to get out of work. I stood near his car at first as it got close to him getting off of work. I leaned on the tree and then thought maybe I didn’t look good leaning like that and readjusted. I was so nervous. It had been almost a year since the last time I had seen him and about 6 months since I professed my love for him over the phone like the biggest idiot ever, but we will get to that later. So, I’m adjusting myself when an Instagram message comes through “I’m in produce”. Phew, now I don’t have to worry about how stupid I look leaning against this tree, but that means I have to go in and see him NOW.

I had to talk myself up or maybe it was down, I don’t know, because my heart was racing. It felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. So, I took a deep breath and entered the store. Produce was literally just inside the door to the right. I turned and saw him. My heart stopped for just a second and he opened his arms and embraced me. We hugged for what felt like 10 minutes but probably was more like 1. It was a really good hug. You know, like the one where you feel safe, and nothing in the world could ever make you feel small again.

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Do you y’all know what it’s like to be with someone that won’t speak to you when you tell them how you feel???

[sscarn]

Saturday, it started just like any other Saturday that I worked to make some extra money. I didn’t have to get anyone else ready, just me, myself and I out the door. I put the address into maps and I was off. I stupidly didn’t listen when Siri (that’s what everyone calls the voice of maps, right?!?!) told me to get off the second exit I came to because stupid Siri didn’t mention the upcoming traffic. So, I sat in the traffic, worried about how late I would actually be, but so far the traffic was only adding an additional 13 minutes, so I would still be in the office before my first patient’s appointment time and very slightly relaxed. I turned up the music and tried to decide how I would take on the rest of the day.

I knew my husband was probably still asleep and hungover as shit. He and a friend had finished a whole bottle of Elijah Craig the night before. I had had one whiskey sour but stopped drinking after I proceeded to take my son and our dog on a walk and three GIANT loose huskies ran up to us. They didn’t attack, but my dog had just been attacked by a chihuahua a few weeks prior, like legit attacked, so we had some PTSD and I just screamed for my husband to come help me because we barely made it up the block And I didn’t know what else to do.

So, I worked the short Saturday shift and decided we really needed to work on the pool liner. I helped my husband with that and we let the kids “help” too as the water was filling the bottom and we were working out the wrinkles. After we had put our time in, we decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite spots that is super kid friendly. They literally have the best French onion soup and the chocolate Kiss drink is like drinking your dessert. Since I didn’t really have a great Friday, I decided to meet up with some friends after dinner with my family.

We literally were having the best time!! Our one friend was turning 39 on Sunday and they all had went to school together, so I was the baby at the party. We all were laughing and joking and having the absolute best time. I tried doing a boomerang of us doing pistachio shots, that were absolutely incredible, but it took multiple tries and quite a few bloopers to get the perfect boomerang to post on Insta.

Fast forward to us moving outdoors for the smokers and to get some fresh air when I decided to tell one of my closest friends about a really weird experience I had had on Friday. There was this guy I went to school with that was asking me about OnlyFans and asked if he could send me some material to give him advice on. Needless to say it got way blown out of proportion when my friends drunk fiancée overheard the convo. He thought I was showing her nudeys of some guy and started to freak. That’s when he called me a “whore” which I’m not sure if anyone had actually ever called me before but I’m not saying I’m not, but I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as one. But what exactly counts as a whore?

The dictionary says whore- noun: DEROGATORY prostitute. Well, for one, I’ve never actually been paid for sex. When I was younger I definitely have used my promiscuity to get things from men, but I never was actually paid for sex as I feel a prostitute would be.

This friend’s fiancé has been known to go to far after one too many drinks, but never have I seen him do it with anyone but his fiancé. Also, I believe us to be friends so even though I was pretty damn drunk, his words cut like a knife “WHORE” and then he proceeded to bring up he who shouldn’t be spoken of. And I’m not sure what else he said because then all I remember is being really drunk and I screamed back at him and then was being ushered into the house by friend because she wanted to

Protect me and not let me get hurt.

The fiancé ended up getting driven home by the only sober friend and we all sat and talked for awhile til I ended up passing out on a chair in the living room. When I woke up it was almost 5:30. My watch was missing. The cat was purring at me. And all that really stuck with me was being called a “WHORE”. Just the thought of the words stung my whole being. I mean I know I slept with someone I shouldn’t have. I’m

Married with children. I’m not supposed to have this crazy side sexual life, so the fiancé was right, right?! I was feeling queasy and knew I wanted to go home. I looked up an Uber and my stingey (is that even a word) self refused to pay $10 plus a tip

To walk 2 miles that I’ve run actually even ran in the past. So, I decided to gather my things, I had to sneak into my sleeping friends room and snatch my watch off the charger, found my purse and slide my green old navy flip flops on to begin my journey home.

As I walked down the hill from my friends house I saw the most beautiful sunrise and couldn’t help but take a couple good pictures even though I couldn’t really stop replaying “WHORE” in my mind. I think I was as close to sober as I could be at 5:30

In the morning and the weather was honestly quite perfect for my walk home. I spent the beginning of the walk thinking about just how much of a “WHORE”

I am. I definitely have slept with quite a few people, but since I’ve been married I’ve only fell in love once. Wait, what was I thinking, I fell in love and I’m married. Holy fuck I am a fucking “WHORE”. Who falls in love while

Being married. How fucking taboo? I mean Will and Jada have a relationship like this but we a far from Will And Jada, but are we? We are humans with needs and wants. And I needed more and succumbed to my husbands wants. My husband wanted me to sleep around! I am a “WHORE” !!!!

I kept walking with my head spinning, not sure if it was from the excessive amount of alcohol or the fact that my mind was making me believe I was in fact a “WHORE”. Every time I replayed the word in my mind the knife just seemed to cut deeper.

I was about halfway home when I felt the knife cut so deep, I’m not sure if it was seeing my pathetic reflection walking home from a drunken stupor or just the word “WHORE” repeated for the the millionth time

But I started to cry. The tears were just flowing. I wasn’t sobbing, but I was hurt. I felt like a “WHORE” and all over falling in love with someone that didn’t even feel the same, and then I remembered the other stupid thing I did while drunk. I blocked him after he looked at my Instagram stories and I attempted to text him “I hate you” possibly multiple times, but drunk me deleted all

And any evidence so I don’t even know what I truly said. I started to cry even more. So now I felt like a really stupid “WHORE”.

As I finished my trek home, i continued to cry and feel bad for myself because I was hurt. Hurt that I was just another one of his “WHORES”. I think the knife cut so damn deep because it made the reality sink in that he was only having sex with me just like any of the other girls he’d hook And walk away from. He was never really into me, he made it pretty clear with his actions and even though we were in a weird and difficult situation, if he had loved me, even the tiniest bit, he would have shown me even the smallest ounce more of respect. And that’s when I knew maybe this night was exactly what I needed. Maybe life throws these hard truths at you just to get you to open your eyes and see the bigger picture. So, maybe I am a “WHORE” but maybe I’m not. Maybe I just fell in love with the wrong person and made a lot of stupid decisions.